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“No one can compete with your love for yourself, not even me. Maybe, that’s why you can’t love anyone.” Aubrey Liander recalled the last words of her ex-boyfriend during their break up before he decided to walk out of the restaurant, leaving her all alone again. The actual separation did not sting as much as the words that he said or the way he said it. The words came out of his mouth as if it was so wrong for Aubrey to love herself so much, as if prioritizing herself more than anything in their relationship was so wrong. She knew from the very beginning that he would leave someday so it was only natural that she would preserve her sanity by loving herself way more than she loved him. It had been three months since then but the words still lingered inside her head and she could not help but wonder if she really couldn’t love anyone.
“All done” The make-up artist announced as she stared at Aubrey’s face, admiring her work for three seconds with a smile before proceeding to arrange her make-up and leaving the room.
“Thanks,” Aubrey said, pursing her lips into a thin line as she stared at her reflection in the mirror.
She’s a fashion model and was about to have her second photoshoot for the day. The theme was winter clothes this time and she was told that she would be partnered with a male model. Working in her line of job was never satisfying but it paid the bills and it was not like she wanted to do anything else either. She did not have the passion for anything, after all.
She stayed still on her seat inside the make-up room as she waited for the photoshoot to start. It would probably take half an hour of waiting, given that she came a little early. As she was staring at her face, she noticed the reflection of a new arrival inside the room. The latter was wearing a long black leather jacket and a cowboy hat - a signature look that she would recognize anywhere. Benny Watts. He was known as a prodigy in the chess world and a decent model in the fashion world - both achievements that Aubrey envied so much.
“Hey there,” He greeted when their gazes met through the reflection in the mirror. He removed his hat and placed it on the table next to her. He offered his hand for a hand shake as he introduced himself. “I’m Benny Watts”
“Audrey Liander,” She turned to look at him and reached her hand out to shake his. “We’ve met before.” At this, he raised an eyebrow and studied her facial features, as if trying to recall where he’d seen her before. “It’s okay if you don’t remember. We worked together a couple of times. It’s been five, six years, I think.”
In the back of her mind, she recalled the first time she saw him in person and it was not one of those times that they worked together. Instead, it was at a university parking lot. There was a chess competition - the New York open. She was inside the car, windows down and eating an egg sandwich as she waited for her father who was competing. It was then that she saw him - someone around her young age of fifteen who entered the building. It was later on the way back home when she learned his name, Benny Watts and she would never forget that name nor the way his father talked fondly of the prodigy who beat everyone in that competition. Her father seemed so proud of him. She would never forget how that day, she wished she was Benny. Maybe, that way, her father would be proud of her too.
“No wonder you look familiar. Well, then, I’ll be sure to remember you this time.” Benny said with a smile before sitting down next to her. Right then, the make-up artist went back inside the room and Benny turned his attention to the new arrival while Aubrey silently tried to drift back to her thoughts. She was interrupted, however, since Benny seemed to prefer conversing while the make-up artist was putting a light make-up on him.
“Liander, huh? Any of your relatives play chess?” He inquired.
“Yeah, my father used to.” She hated talking about it but did not want to be rude. “You know, you’ve also asked me that during our first time working together.”
“I did? Sorry about that” He chuckled, a little sheepish.
“That’s all right.” She shrugged nonchalantly. “It’s just fascinating how you can recall the last name of a chess player that you probably haven’t played with in a decade but you can’t even recall me and our conversation.”
“My head is filled with too much chess and everything related to it. But I promise to make some space in order to recall you for next time.” He said with a smile and she chuckled.
“You’ll probably remember me now as the daughter of someone who played chess”
“Maybe, maybe not” He turned his head slightly to look at her, eyeing her from head to toe. She could not help but narrow her eyes at him at how blatant he was at checking her out. When their eyes met, he only shrugged with a smile.
After all the make-up was done and all the outfits were changed, they started their photoshoot. Things ran smoothly and Aubrey could not help but admire how professional Benny Watts was in front of the camera. Then, her mind would recall how much she envied him and all the admiration would be gone. But then again, she would think of how he was checking her out earlier and that kind of brought a little warmth to her face.
Once they were done with the photoshoot, she met him again inside the make-up room. She already changed her outfit, already prepared to leave right after getting her things. Benny also had changed back to his unconventional get-up but his hat was on his hands and he was fiddling with it.
“Good job, today. Goodbye.” Aubrey said, out of politeness and he looked up from his hands then towards her.
“Didn’t notice you come in,” He replied as he put on his hat while wearing a smile on his face. “Say, you drink?”
“Why?” She raised an eyebrow at him.
“I was just wondering if you would like to drink with me sometime. My treat.”
“Are you hitting on me?” This made him laugh and he shook his head in response.
“No, no, definitely, not” He was still chuckling as he spoke. “I just figured I should start befriending my model co-workers too.”
“Models aren’t even great friends” She brought out a piece of paper from her bag and wrote her number before giving it to Benny, who stared at the piece of paper curiously. “I’m free this weekend. Call me?”
“Definitely.”
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Before they met that weekend, Aubrey did not know what to expect. All her life, the idea of him in her head was a person she had to beat for her father’s attention. He was like chess himself and needless to say, she loathed that game. They’ve worked together before but she figured that he would be more different when they’re not in a professional setting. To get to know him was something she never dreamed about.
Once they were sitting next to each other in the bar, however, all of Aubrey’s worries disappeared. He was friendly- too friendly, in fact. She expected him to talk about chess but he talked about funny stories during his experience in modelling. She did the same, telling him how she started when she was 18 years old and all the travelling that went along with the job. He talked a little about how he travelled because of chess competitions but he mentioned it so briefly that she didn’t really mind.
“You’re an interesting person.” Aubrey commented before gulping down her third bottle of beer. The alcohol hit all the right spot in her throat that she could not help it.
“I know,” He said with a nonchalant shrug. “Slow down in drinking. I don’t want to drive a drunk person home tonight.”
“You’ll want to drive a drunk person next time then?”
He chuckled deeply and maybe, it was the alcohol fogging her head but his laugh sounded so nice to her ears. “You’re an interesting person too.”
“I know” She raised her hand to order another bottle when Benny stopped her, grabbing her hand and putting it down.
“It doesn’t mean you can drink too much though.”
“You just don’t want to spend too much money, cheap stake” She smiled playfully.
“Perhaps” He scoffed, letting go of her hand and finishing his only bottle of beer. She noticed that he seemed to be enjoying conversing more than drinking - a quality that she happened to admire too. “By the way, do you play chess?”
“No, I hate that game.” She answered honestly, shifting on her seat. Alcohol would always make her talkative, sharing unnecessary information.
“But your father plays?”
“I hate it because he plays.” She glanced at his eyes that were staring curiously at her before she rolled her eyes. “He loves chess more than he loves his family, more than he loves me” Her sober mind would definitely scold her later on for oversharing but at the moment, all she could think about was how she loathed that side of her father.
“Sadly, that’s the story of players who are too into it”
“Are you one of those players?”
He paused for a moment before replying, “Who can say? I don’t have a family.” It was her turn to stare curiously at him. He smiled upon noticing the expression on her face. She wondered what the chess prodigy went through - probably, a tough life, despite his strong confident exterior. “For next time, we should probably get something to eat instead of something to drink. You drink too much.” He changed the topic and she knew better than to inquire him more about it.
“You just don’t drink enough.”
“Excuse me, I have to drive both of us home so you should thank me for staying sober.” He then brought out a folded piece of paper from inside his pocket. “This is my number by the way. Call me? For next time.” She grabbed the piece of paper and put it inside her purse.
“Why don’t you call instead?”
“Hm, I guess, I should but keep my number just in case you feel like talking to someone. I’m mostly free.”
“Definitely.”
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Aubrey never called Benny first - not because she never felt like it but because she never had the opportunity to. Benny would always call her before she could. Every night, at 10 pm, her phone would ring and they would talk for about an hour until either of them feel sleepy. In the past few months that they talked together and a few meetings every now and then, she learned a lot about Benny and he learned a lot about her too.
“I’m going to Ohio tomorrow. I’ll be there for two whole weeks.” He said and Aubrey could not help but be disappointed that he’s only telling her about it. She could not find a reason to justify her disappointment though. “So, I won’t be calling you for a while.”
“That’s all right.” She tried to sound as indifferent as possible.
“If I manage to land a spot in the top three, I can treat you to some drinks.”
“Then, you’ll stop me from drinking after three bottles? No, thank you”
“We can drink at your place. That way, I wouldn’t have to drive you home.”
“Sure. But what if you don’t win anything?” She knew he would probably win the whole thing, given his talent but she did not want to boost his ego further.
“That never happened before. I’ll figure it out when the time comes.” At this, she chuckled. A part of her wondered what it was like to be too good at something the way Benny was too good at chess. “I have to go now. I got to leave early tomorrow morning. Good night, Aubrey”
“Good night, Benny” Once the call was dropped, she let out a soft sigh. Two weeks without Benny did not sound so bad. She got used to hearing his voice every night but that didn’t mean her day would be incomplete without him. She already experienced break-ups of long term relationships before. This was nothing compared to that. For some reason, it seemed worse. “Oh, god, I’m not falling for him, am I?” She leaned back on her chair, letting out a deep sigh.
It was the third night without Benny when she seemed to have gotten the answer to her question. She was staring at her telephone, idly, waiting for it to ring in case Benny changed his mind about not calling. She was missing him. It was difficult for her to sleep the past couple of days since she got too used to hearing him say good night. She didn’t know when it started - when his voice became the lullaby that made her sleep through the night, when his stories about chess went from something that she could barely tolerate to fascinating, and when he transitioned from being the person she envied the most to an object of her affection. She hated to admit it to herself but at this point, it was undeniable. She could not help but feel scared at the thought.
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Aubrey was relieved that she and Benny did not talk for two weeks after her realization of her feelings for him. This gave her more time to get over it or at least, she thought. How she thought wrong.
“Miss me?” Benny said over the phone and she could not help but hold her breath upon hearing his voice for the first time in weeks. It was eleven p.m. and she was not expecting a call from him until the next day. When he received no response, Benny continued, “I missed you.”
She wanted to say that she missed him too but she was afraid her voice would drip with too much affection. “Did you win?”
“I got second place. Are you free tomorrow night?” There was a hint of disappointment in his voice despite the good news.
“No,” She lied. She wanted to avoid him for as long as possible or maybe, forever.
“When are you free then? I promised you some drinks, remember?”
“I remember but I’ll be busy these days. Maybe next time?”
“That’s what I’m asking. When’s next time?” She wanted to say ‘until these stupid feelings are over’ but that might scare Benny off.
“I don’t know. I’m tired.” She faked a yawn. “Look, don’t call me for a while. I’ll call you when things are less busy on my side. I’ll hang up now.”
“Don’t” She was surprised at how quick he responded.
She chewed on her bottom lip, expecting him to continue but when he didn’t, she asked, “Why?”
“Are you avoiding me?” At this, she was surprised. Benny never seemed to read the air before. Why was he suddenly good at it now?
“Why would I?”
“I don’t know. You’re just acting like you’re avoiding me.” She heard him sigh on the other end of the line. “Look, if I did anything wrong, you can tell me. I’ll fix it… or something.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m just tired. That’s all.”
“You’re lying. Why?” He was answered with silence. Lots of thoughts were running inside her head, most of them telling her that she should stop lying to the honest person on the other end of the line. However, she wasn’t good at that - being honest. Running away, on the other hand, was what she’s good at. “If you’re going through something--” Before he could finish his sentence, she hung up the phone. She quickly headed into her room, ignoring the repeated ringing of her telephone that night.
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The sound of knocking on the door echoed through Aubrey’s apartment. She was awakened by the sound and she got up from her bed, sleepily. A yawn escaped her lips as she fixed her hair with her hands and she went towards the door. She looked at the clock - seven a.m. It was her day-off and she was not expecting anyone, especially so early in the morning.
“Who is it?” She asked, her voice still sleepy before she opened the door wide, revealing Benny Watts who was standing on the other side with a huge frown on his face. All the sleepiness suddenly disappeared and she felt her body shiver. It was probably the morning air or perhaps, it was the joy in seeing him after weeks. “Benny,” she breathed out.
“You told me you’re busy. Was that a lie too?” He said, the frown not leaving his face. She avoided his intense gaze, crossing her arms across her chest.
“I told you I’m busy so what are you doing here?”
“Am I right then? You’re avoiding me?” She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath before giving him a slight nod. This made him frown even further. “Can you at least tell me why?” She shook her head, looking down on the floor. She heard him sigh. “I missed you.” His voice was sincere and it was her turn to shakily sigh as she was not expecting him to sound so affectionate.
“I...” she trailed off, wanting to say she missed him too and wanting to apologize for her strange behavior. But if she did, she would be vulnerable again and she did not want that to happen.
“You don’t have to say it back. I just thought that you should know.” His tone was indifferent and she did not know what to make of it. “I obviously don’t know what’s the matter with you but I want to find a way to fix what I did wrong. You’re an important person to me and to suddenly lose you - I can’t accept it.”
“D-don’t say that.” She looked up at him and his eyebrows were furrowed.
“Say what?”
“Those things - that you want to fix it, that I’m an important person, that you can’t accept losing me” She furrowed her eyebrows as well, mirroring his expression. “You’re Benny Watts. You’re way too good for that.”
“And you’re Aubrey Liander. You deserve way more than that.” He said it so confidently as if he was stating the obvious. Her past self would have probably believed that she did deserve it but at the moment, in front of the person she had feelings for, it was just too much especially since she had been doing nothing but lie to him since the previous night. “For the last time, can’t you at least tell me what I did wrong?”
“Benny,” she let out a deep breath as she mentioned his name. She was too used to running away but she was not used to being caught when she’s chased. She did not know where she got the courage. Maybe, it was his eyes that were looking at her so sincerely or it was her loudly beating heart that was screaming to get out of her chest. Either way, she decided to say it. “It’s not you. It’s me. I think I...love you.” She said the last part very softly but she was sure that he heard, which was evident in the softening of his expression. There was a long pause before he spoke up.
“I’m sorry. I did not catch that.” He obviously lied with a smile on his face. Her heart was still beating fast but she ignored it. Despite the seconds worth of courage, she still could not help but be a little afraid.
“You don’t understand.” She frowned, making him mirror her expression. “I love myself too much that I’ve always been told I can’t love someone else so I don’t understand”
“Are you scared?” He raised both his eyebrows and she nodded. “Don’t be.” He stepped closer towards her and reached out to press his hands on her shoulders. She relaxed under his touch and she could feel the doubt slowly being washed away. “I’ve also been told before that I love myself a little too much to love someone else… yet here I am. I love you too is what I’m saying.” They held each other’s gazes for a while before she spoke up.
“I used to envy you a lot.” She said, smiling ever so slightly. The doubt was completely gone now but she felt like she should let everything out. “My father is more proud of you than he is of me but I guess, envy is just my way of admiring you.”
“That’s understandable. I envied you when you mentioned that you have a father who played chess.” He shrugged nonchalantly. “Anything else?”
“I tend to push people that I love away.” She said, pursing her lips together. Benny was smiling down at her, squeezing her shoulders gently.
“Ahh, that, I can’t relate with even though I do get it so maybe, don’t do that” He slid his hands down her arms towards her hands, holding them and intertwining their fingers together. She looked down at their hands before looking back up at him.
“I’ll try.”