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One would think the Empty would be an agonizing place to be, that it would be chillingly cold, or perhaps burning hot, that you would feel pressure or pain or some kind of terrible sensation. That however, was definitely not the case. The worst part about the empty was how… empty it really was. It wasn’t cold, or hot, there was no pain, there was no light, no sound, there was… nothing. That was the worst part. Just an eternity of nothingness that surrounded you.
Castiel didn’t remember how long he was in there for, it could have been days, weeks, months, years, hell, it could have only been a couple of hours. It didn’t matter, it was all the same… nothingness. Castiel was certain the Empty was his fate. Where he was going to spend the rest of his eternity trapped in.
While trapped there, all Castiel could think about was Dean. When it really came down to it, Dean was what sent him here. The empty was made to take him when he experienced a moment of true happiness. Dean was his moment of true happiness. And despite the tourture of the Empty, the gaping nothingness that swallowed him up and left him feeling hollow, it somehow felt worth it. Somehow, for some reason, the years he had with Dean, and the joy and love he felt for the man, felt like it made up for even the greatest misery.
After a period of time, Castiel simply expected to stay in the Empty forever. He had resigned himself to an eternity of abyss along with the tormenting thoughts of old memories that he could never relive.
That was until Jack brought him out.
And to say that Castiel was brought out a different person would have been an understatement. Somehow nothingness had more of an effect on him than existence ever did. When Cas was brought back he suddenly knew things about himself that he had never known before. He was able to tell his wants and desires, the things, the people… the person that made him feel real. Unfortunately for him, most of the things he wanted were back on Earth, Casteil would probably never see them... see him ever again.
Cas couldn’t waste his time sulking though, Jack had brought him back for a purpose. He needed help rebuilding heaven. It was a good decision on Jack’s part, they needed to make heaven a place that people wanted to be. A reward for being a good soul. Not a punishment for the end of a life. So Castiel was happy to help.
They decided to start by tearing down all the walls in Heaven, they made it a place where all the souls were together, rather than separating it into individual areas. They also made it so that it was no longer just a space where people could simply relive old happy memories. Instead people were able to just enjoy themselves in a new form of bliss. No longer being burdened by the experiences of their lives, but rather able to bask in the serenity of their current state of death.
He and Jack made Heaven a place where everyone could be together, where people could come and go, and spend the rest of eternity in bliss. Castiel made sure that Heaven was a place where souls and their loved ones could all be together. He knew what it was like to love someone but be kept from them, unable to see them or be with them. It was a lonely and painful and hollow feeling, it was the opposite of what he wanted to establish in Heaven. Castiel didn’t want anyone else to experience his fate.
When he and Jack were done rebuilding heaven Castiel took a minute to admire his work. It was peaceful, calm, amazing, and beautiful. It was perfect, yet so completely and utterly wrong . Sure, Heaven was nice, nice as a dwelling place for all of the angles, nice as a paradise for all of the worthy human souls, nice for Jack to monitor and look over. But not nice for Cas.
There was nothing wrong with the Heaven that had been created, in fact it was the perfect depiction of what Heaven should be. The only thing was... Castiel didn’t want heaven. He didn’t want a vast escape. He didn’t want a paradise with acres of forest or endless roads, or glowing sunrises where all of the souls spent time together in harmony. What Castiel wanted couldn't be made, or found or brought to Heaven. What Castiel wanted definitely wasn’t perfect by any means, in fact it was quite the opposite, it was crass, rude, self destructive and intense. What Castiel wanted was something back on Earth. What Castiel wanted was Dean.
Dean Winchester. The human, the hunter, the jerk… and the love of Cas’s life. Dean Winchester was everything to Castiel, and the only thing that he wanted more than Heaven.
***
Castiel had a melancholy expression on his face as he looked out into the vast expanse of the utopia that he had helped create. Jack had never been too great at reading emotions, but he knew something was wrong with the angel… he had a feeling he knew what was wrong as well.
“Hello Castiel, how are you doing?” he asked simply, as not to assume too much and ask too forward of a question right away.
Castiel didn’t turn to face Jack, he just kept looking off into the distance, he stayed silent for a few a while, Jack was worried that he hadn’t heard the question, but after a few moments he spoke, “I’m fine, I’m just… taking this all in I suppose.”
That statement had confirmed Jack’s theory that there was something unwell about the angle, the way he said those words, he said them with such a lack of emotion, almost as if he had to force them out of his mouth, “You seem upset. Is there a problem? Do you not like how Heaven was rebuilt, was there a change you wanted to make?”
This time Castiel did send a glance to Jack, just for a second, before he turned his head away again, “No, I have no problem with the Heaven that we created. It’s everything I’ve always thought Heaven should be. It’s a place where souls can spend the rest of eternity in peace. It’s just… not for me. I guess, I just don’t really want peace. Sorry, I guess I just can’t stop thinking about what it was like being on Earth”
Jack sighed, he knew what Castiel wanted. Though the angel had never expressed his feelings to Jack aloud, Jack had seen the way he acted when Dean was around. How he talked to him, how he was willing to sacrifice anything for the man. How Dean was the only thing that made Castiel feel true happiness. It was clear that Dean meant everything to Cas, it was understandable that the angel would be troubled. “It’s about Dean, right? You wish you could be with him on Earth, rather than here in Heaven?” Jack asked.
Castiel looked towards the ground, like he was trying to hide his expression from Jack, as though he didn’t want the nephilim to know how he was feeling, “I am proud of the heaven we created, I really am, and I know that I should be just fine spending my time up here, after all, I did help create it. It’s just that…” he trailed off into silence like he didn’t want to say what he was really thinking in the moment.
“It’s just that you would rather be back on Earth with Dean?” Jack supplied.
Castiel huffed, “Yeah, yeah, I would,” Cas turned to face Jack, “I’m sorry, it’s not that-”
Jack cut the angel off, “No, it’s okay, I understand. I know how you felt about…” he stopped for a second, not wanting to make too bold of assumptions about the feeling that Castiel had for the Winchester, “I know the two of you were close. It makes sense that you miss him.”
Castiel’s face drops slightly, “Yeah, I guess. It sounds strange, I’m an angel living in a Heaven that I personally crafted to be perfect, yet somehow I have this strange concept in my head that I would somehow be happier being back on Earth, even if it meant losing everything I currently have. I really would give up all of my powers, if I could just spend one human life with… Dean ,” he said the name under his breath.
Jack does a look-over of the angle standing in front of him. He looks broken, tortured, wrecked… empty . Almost as if a part of him was torn away and left on Earth. Well, he muses, maybe a part of him was left back on Earth. “Well then,” Jack starts, “how about I make a deal with you, a deal that would let you go back to Earth. We can call it a gift for helping me rebuild heaven.”
Castiel raises an eyebrow, “What are you talking about?” He asks.
“What if I remove your grace and let you live the rest of your life on Earth with Dean?” Jack knows it’s a big offer to make, and there’s a large chance that Castiel won’t even accept it. Why would he give up his status, his powers, his immortality, just to live a life on Earth as a mere human. But he asks anyway, and he can see the drastic change on Castiel’s expression when he does.
Cas looks at Jack with surprise, did he really just make him that offer? Why? And does Castiel really even want to take it. Why would he lose everything, just to live a life with Dean. Was the man really worth it? Did Dean really mean that much to Castiel? Losing grace was the equivalent of murder to an angel. It was a horrible act, did Castiel really want to do it voluntarily? Despite thinking the question over and over in his head, debating all of the negative aspects and disadvantages of it, Castiel had only one answer on the tip of his tongue, “Yes.”
Jack smiled, “Okay then.”
***
Jack holds the syringe-like object up to the throat of the angle that he had looked to as a father-figure for so long. Castiel had his hands clenched at his sides and his eyes were screwed shut. “Are you ready?” Jack asked.
Castiel took a deep breath and then opened his eyes for a second to look at Jack, “Yeah, I am. Thank you.”
Jack smiled and shook his head, “No, thank you, for all of your help, not just with rebuilding heaven, but with everything you have done for me, this is the least I could do.”
The nephilim then begins to extract grace from the angel (soon-to-be human) in front of him. Castiel’s jaw clutches shut and his eyes close in pain. It’s clear that this is an agonizing experience for him. Castiel tries his best to stay still, but his body moves a bit, thrashing side to side while the grace is taken out of his neck. His breathing is heavy, and he tries to block out the feeling. Castiel can tell this is wrong, that this is something that he shouldn’t be doing, Angels aren’t supposed to do this, there’s a reason why it’s considered a crime. But his desire to see Dean, to live with the love of his life, outweighs any pain that this could possibly cause him.
***
Cas was outside the bunker, glaring holes into the metal door in front of him. Somehow it was only know that he started to panic. What if Dean was hurt? What if Cas’s death had too much of an effect on him and he had gone into a self-destructive state? What if he had left and gone off the rails? Or worse, what if he had simply moved on? What if Castiel didn’t actually mean as much as he thought? But before Castiel could spiral too far he raised his hand to the door and gave it a strong knock.
Castiel heard quick and heavy footsteps leading up to the door. The door was slowly opened revealing Sam standing there, he had a blank expression on his face until he saw who was standing in front of him. He looked at his friend, the one he was still mourning the loss of, up and down and his face dropped, he didn’t say anything for a minute, still in shock at what he was seeing in front of him. “Cas? Is… is it really you?” he asked wearily.
“Hello Sam,” Castiel said with a small smile, “Yes it is, Jack was able to bring me out of the empty, and now I’m back on Earth.”
Sam looked at Castiel suspiciously, almost like he couldn’t quite believe that his friend was really back. It was reasonable to assume that it could be an imposter, someone disguising themselves as Cas inorder to get close to the brothers only to later attack. Sam took the risk however, and motioned for Castiel to come inside the bunker. “Is that so?” he huffed out a breath that sound almost close to a laugh, “Well, I must say I’m glad about that, wasn’t the same without you here,” he started walking into the bunker, in the direction of the library, indicating for Castiel to follow him, “you know, we really missed you, you… you had a bigger impact than I think you realized,” Sam didn’t want to get his hopes up too much though, especially in the case that this wasn’t actually Cas who he was talking to.
The two men reached the table in the library and Sam made a gesture with his hand that told Castiel to take a seat at the table. The former angle did and sat down.
Sam looked at Castiel in the eyes with a hint of a smile on his face, “I’m gonna go get Dean,” he said before exiting the room, leaving Castiel seated at the table, alone in the library.
While Sam is gone, Castiel looks down at the table he is at, examining the letters that were engraved into the wood. SW DW MW his eyes widen at the newest additions Jack and beside it, his own name: Castiel . Castiel similes and looks at the table in thought, the names, they gave the table meaning, they gave it symbolism. The original two engravings, the initials of the Winchester brothers, and then there was the addition of their mother, Mary Winchester’s initials, and lastly, Jack and Castiel’s names were carved alongside. Family was the word that Castiel decided on finally, the table represented family . And his name marked into this table was proof, proof that he had meant something to the Winchesters. Cas ran his finger along the engraving of his name in the table, he was immersed in his own thoughts, but was snapped out of it when he heard two sets of footsteps coming to the library.
The footsteps came to a stop and Castiel raised his head to look at the two men standing in the doorway Sam was giving Castiel an examining look and Dean was standing there in shock, eyes wide, almost as if he couldn’t believe the sight that lay before him. Castiel noticed that Dean looked a little worse for wear. He was pailer, his hair was a mess, he definitely hadn’t shaved in awhile, likely haven't showered either. He looked… broken, almost as if a part of him had been torn out by force. He was like Cas when he was back in Heaven.
“Hello Dean,” Castiel said calmly.
“Cas?” Dean questioned gruffly, he slowly walked towards the other man, acting with caution, like Sam, he was unsure whether this was the real Castiel, or a trick being played on them.
Castiel gave him a small smile, “Yes Dean, it’s me, Jack was able to bring me out of the Empty.”
The older Winchester brother squinted at the figure in front of him, “I can’t tell whether you’re the real Cas or not.”
Castiel sighed, “Well, I’m afraid that there’s no way that I can prove I’m really me, I guess you’d just have to trust me, but maybe that would be asking too much?”
Dean raises his eyebrows at the statement, “Well, that’s definitely a very Cas-like thing to say,” he gives a small smirk before walking over to the table and taking a seat directly across from his friend. Sam trails behind him and does the same, sitting right beside his older brother.
Cas looks back down at the table, “Jack and my names are here?” It was phrased as a question, though it was quite clear that the answer was yes.
Sam spoke up, “It was a way of… well, you were gone and… you see we…” he wasn’t quite able to find the correct words.
“We wanted a way to remember you,” Dean finished for him.
Castiel looked up and looked Dean in the eyes with one of his eyebrows raised, “You thought you would forget me?” He asked in a serious tone, but it was obviously a sarcastic statement.
Dean smiled at the question, if this is an imposter he’s sure doing a damn good job , he thought, “We wanted a way to acknowledge you,” he says to rephrase his previous statement.
“You said that Jack brought you back, that he was able to take you out of the Empty?” Sam interrupts the light bickering between the two men.
“Yes,” Catiel replies, “He needed my help, as the new God one of the things he wanted to do was rebuild Heaven, he needed my help with it.”
Both of the brothers look at Castiel with curiosity, “Oh really?” Sam asks, intrigued.
Castiel nods his head, “He wanted to make Heaven a place… worth being. It’s no longer a place of isolation, we made it a place where souls can spend the rest of eternity in a paradise that they can share with their loved ones. People can come and go, spend time how they please, and just relax in the bliss of it all.”
Sam’s face changes from curiosity to confusion, “Then… why are you here?” he asks, “Not that we didn’t want you back!” he quickly adds, “It’s just, if Jack brought you out of the empty to help him with Heaven and Heaven is now a better place to be, why are you here on Earth?” he clarifies.
Castiel looks down at the engravings on the table, “Well… there was something I wanted that I could only get back on Earth,” Castiel eyes raise to Dean sitting across from him, “So after I was finished helping Jack we made a deal, so that I could come back to Earth.”
“A deal?” Sam asks, Dean continues to stay silent beside him, still slightly in shock and taking everything in, “What do you mean a deal?”
“We made a deal,” Castiel states again, “I was allowed to come back to Earth and spend the rest of my life here at a price.”
It was now that Sam looked extremely confused, “The rest of your life…”
“The price was that I removed my grace and became human,” Castiel says finally.
Both of the Winchester brothers look at the former angel in front of them with shock.
“What?” Sam says, bewildered.
“Cas, are you crazy?” Dean finally speaks up.
“To me the deal seemed well worth it, I saw no purpose spending the rest of an unhappy eternity as an angel, I much preferred a few fulfilling years as a human,” Cas explains.
Dean gives a look that shows he was about to say something but before he can, Sam stands up from his chair, “I’m going to leave you two alone, I think you guys have more to discuss together, without me here,” Dean shoots his brother a glare, but Sam ignores it and turns to Castiel, “well, I can’t say I understand your decision, but I have to say, I’m very happy to have you here,” he smiles.
Castiel stands up to hug the younger Winchester brother, “I can’t say I expect you to understand, but I’m definitely happy to be back.”
The two hug for a moment, when it’s over Sam turns around and walks towards the door of the library, before he leaves he makes eye contact with his older brother, giving a look that says, don’t be mad, you know why I’m doing this , and then he exits the room.
This leaves Dean and Castiel alone, in the library, sitting at the table, facing each other. For a short while neither of them says a word.
Dean finally breaks the silence, “Cas are you insane? Why would you do that? What the hell would make you want to give up being an angel? If you made Heaven better, why did you want to leave?” He was confused, he had so many questions, he truly couldn’t understand the motive behind Castiel’s actions.
Castiel sighs, “You make good points Dean, and you are correct, I did help Jack rebuild Heaven into the perfect paradise to reside, the only thing was… I didn’t want paradise, as shocking as it may sound to you, there was something more important to me than paradise, something that I could only find here on Earth.”
Dean still didn’t seem to get it, “What Cas?” he nearly yells, “What could possibly be more important to you than paradise? What would make losing everything worth it to you?”
The two men make eye contact, blue eyes meet green and Castiel speaks, “You remember what I said before the Empty came and took me?”
Dean looks taken aback by the question of course I remember he thinks I haven’t stopped remembering it since it happened , he decides to indulge Cas in the question though, “You said that you had made a deal to save Jack, you said that it would take you when you experience true happiness, but you didn’t know what that meant for you. You said that you cared about Sam, about Jack, about me ,” Castiel gave Dean an unimpressed look, “...you said that you loved me.” Dean said finally.
“I meant it y’know,” Cas replies, “You’re what made it worth it. You were more important to me than any Heaven ever could be. That being an angel ever was. You Dean Winchester mean everything to me. Heaven is a place on Earth with you.”
“I-” Dean stops, unable to speak, not knowing what to say, he can’t respond, almost as if his mind had blanked out.
Castiel leaned over the table, getting closer to Dean and looking him in the eyes, “Heaven wasn’t my paradise Dean, you were.”
“I…. ve…. t…. as,” Dean mumbles something under his breath.
“Excuse me?” Cas asks with a smirk.
“I love you too, Cas.” He says out, louder.
Castiel grins, “I know, you never said anything about it, but I’ve known for a while now.
“Asshole,” Dean grumbles, but it was with no malice.
Dean then leans in, moving his face closer to that of his best friend so that the two of them are leaning over the table, face to face. Castiel is the one that closes the gap, pressing his lips to Dean in a long awaited kiss that lasts a few seconds. The two men pull away and look each other in the eyes. Dean has a look of shock and pure ecstasy on his face, as if all the hopes and desires that he wasn’t even aware he had were finally achieved. Castiel has a look of satisfaction, like he had finally gotten a taste of his one true paradise.
“So… do you think it was worth coming back to Earth?” Dean’s question breaks the silence.
Castiel chuckles, “Without question.”