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Aoba was drowning.
He could see nothing but water in all directions. He felt his body being pulled down, farther and farther from the surface. He kicked his legs furiously, trying to propel himself up, but his sense of direction was thrown too far off for him to determine whether he was even pushing himself the right way. He felt panic take over his body as his lungs struggled in his chest. He was running out of time. Aoba used the last of his strength to give one last futile kick just before everything went black.
A sudden warmth enveloped Aoba’s body, making him feel like he were floating somewhere calm; a slow river and not an unforgiving sea. Aoba was grateful that his last moments could be spent in some comfort. It took him a few moments to realize that he was not, in fact, dying, but rising slowly to the surface. His eyes fluttered open, and he saw soft light streaming through the water surrounding him. Once the initial shock of simply being alive wore off, he started to gasp for breath and found that he could breathe easily, as if he were enclosed in a bubble of air. Something stirred in his peripheral vision. He turned his head to see hundreds of glowing, translucent creatures moving gracefully around him. His mouth slightly agape, he watched them dance until his head broke the surface.
Aoba opened his eyes.
Light came in thin rays through the open doors of his bedroom. A breeze carrying a slight chill slipped in, and Aoba clutched at his covers, breathing deeply and trying to shake the remnants of his dream. In the distance, he heard a gentle, sweet voice singing about a calm ocean. Aoba propped himself up slowly, a smile cracking on his tired face. His heart’s hurried beats slowed in his chest as he listened to the song. He felt himself getting lost in the melody, in the way the simple beauty of the lyrics made him feel like he were coming home after a long time gone.
In reality, he had probably only been listening for five minutes, but to Aoba it felt like he had spent hours hypnotized by the song when suddenly a figure swung down from Aoba’s rooftop and landed cleanly in his room.
“Good morning, Aoba-san!” The figure’s face was bright and full of sincere emotion, and it warmed Aoba from his toes to his fingertips. “Did you have pleasant dreams last night?”
“Thanks to you, Clear.” Aoba’s smile grew wider at the slight blush that bloomed on his boyfriend’s face.
“Aoba-san, do you remember what today is?” Clear asked excitedly.
“Hm? Oh, yeah, today’s Christmas, isn’t it?” Clear nodded quickly in response. “Are you excited?” Aoba asked, grinning slightly.
“Yes! We’re going to see the lights, right?”
A few weeks earlier, Clear made Aoba promise that they would walk together around Midorijima on Christmas to see the lights put up downtown. Usually, Platinum Jail had the most impressive display, but after Oval Tower fell, the locals resolved to make the lights even more spectacular.
“Yeah, of course! Are you still sure that you don’t want to go out anywhere else tonight, though?”
Clear waved his hands. “Oh, no, it’s fine, Aoba-san. I only want to see the lights with you.”
Aoba nodded. He doubted that the two of them could reserve a place anywhere anyway, especially on such short notice. Christmas was a big holiday for couples, and the fancier of restaurants were probably already booked up. “Does Granny have any plans tonight?”
“Ah, yes, I think Tae-san mentioned that she was planning to go out with her friends tonight.”
Aoba snorted. “Granny’s getting a little too old to be going out partying.”
Clear cocked his head. “Really? I think Tae-san has plenty of energy!”
Aoba laughed. “I guess she does. Too bad she spends most of it chewing me out. But I’m glad that she’s getting out of the house, for once. I just hope she’ll be careful.” Aoba sat in contemplation for a moment before he spoke again. “Clear, are you going to be wearing your mask tonight?” Clear had been getting more and more confident without his mask recently, leaving it off when he visited Aoba at work or when the pair visited their friends, but he was still nervous about baring his face for extended periods of time in front of large groups.
Clear tapped his chin pensively. “Hm. I think…” His head jerked up and his eyes filled with resolve. “Yes, I think I can go without it today.”
Aoba’s eyebrows drew together slightly. “Are you sure? I can bring it with us just in case.”
Clear stretched to his full height. “No need, Aoba-san! I’ll be fine without it.”
“If you say so.” Aoba lifted himself out of bed and walked slowly toward Clear. He took Clear’s face in his hand and leaned in, kissing him gently on the nose. Aoba found Clear’s beautiful, rose colored eyes possibly more captivating with each day they spend together. Aoba’s hands fell to his sides, and Clear grasped them in his own and squeezed them gently.
“Aoba-san, if I’m with you, I know I’ll be fine.”
**********************************************************************************************************
After Tae-san had left to visit her friends – Aoba wouldn’t leave until he knew that she could make it there safely, much to Tae’s annoyance – the couple donned their coats and left for town. It was a little chilly outside, but not enough so that the two were uncomfortable. Aoba nuzzled his face in his pale blue woolen scarf that Clear had knit for him a few weeks back. When Clear gave the scarf to him, he was on the verge of tears and bubbling with frustration. He apologized to Aoba, saying that it wasn’t as neat as he wanted it to be, but Aoba reassured him that it was beautiful, and tonight, in the bite of the winter wind, it was certainly functional. Clear reached out and clasped Aoba’s hand as they walked together through the Old Resident District. The longer they walked, the closer the twinkle of the lights became, until Clear was almost hopping with excitement. The tiny shops were adorned with bulbs in every color, and Clear stopped to marvel at every one. As they drew closer to the heart of the shopping district the displays grew more and more elaborate. Small trees were dressed in shiny garlands, and the lights on the store widows flashed in time to a tinkling song that seem to come from everywhere. Clear sometimes reached out toward the decorations, and Aoba had to pull him back from a few of the store fronts when the shop owners gave the pair wary glances.
They had been walking for a little over an hour when Aoba noticed that Clear had been talking less and less, and had been silent now for about five minutes. Clear’s hand, which was initially relaxed against Aoba’s, now clenched tight. His fingertips pressed hard into Aoba’s knuckles, as if he were holding on for dear life.
Aoba glanced up at Clear’s face, alarmed. “Clear, are you okay? You haven’t said anything in a while.”
Clear stared straight ahead of them, his dim eyes a shadow of the glimmer they held that morning. “Aoba-san, I have to leave.” His voice was low and quiet and almost drowned out by the drone of the crowds around them.
“Clear?” Aoba whipped his head back and forth, looking for the source of Clear’s apparent discomfort. “Clear, what’s wrong?”
“Aoba-san, please. We should go home, now.” Clears voice hitched and his tone grew more urgent. “I want to go home.”
Aoba’s heart began to pound. They were at least half an hour away from the Old Resident District. Maybe if they ran…Aoba glanced up at Clear’s frozen expression. Why wouldn’t he tell him what was wrong? Was he malfunctioning? Should he get a hold of Granny? Aoba opened his mouth to ask what was wrong one more time, but before the words could leave his mouth he was tugged toward a windowless building nearby at a sprint. Aoba nearly stumbled trying to keep up, but he was determined to hold on to Clear. They both pushed through the building’s doors and into a dark, narrow hall that was almost empty except for themselves. Clear quickly sank into a bench a few feet away from the building’s entrance and buried his face in his hands, breathing heavily.
“Clear!” Aoba was scared. He took a seat next to his boyfriend and put a tentative hand on his shoulder. “Please, tell me what’s wrong!”
Clear’s voice was muffled behind his hands. “All of the people there…I thought I was going to be fine, but…” It sounded like Clear tried to laugh, but it came out more like a dry sob. “I guess I wasn’t ready to leave without my mask after all.”
Aoba leaned into Clear and put his other hand on Clear’s leg. “Clear, your face is beautiful! You look just like everyone else. You’re perfect the way you are.”
“I know you like how I am, Aoba-san, and I know my face is normal, but it’s still hard for me, sometimes...” Clear’s voice trailed off.
The two sat in silence. Aoba couldn’t think of anything to say to console him. Clear had lived his entire life afraid to show his face, afraid to be discovered, afraid of being different. Clear had been doing such an incredible and determined job of adjusting without his mask, but it was only natural that the remnants of the years he spent in fear were still buried inside of him. Aoba could only imagine the frustration he felt.
As they sat, Aoba’s eyes began to wander around their surroundings. In their haste, they didn’t even check to see what kind of place they were running into. The building was warm, and the hallway they were in opened up into a room that seemed illuminated by soft turquoise light. From the angle that they were sitting, it was hard for Aoba to tell what the lights were, but they looked almost like…Tanks?
“…I think we’re in an aquarium.” Aoba said, breaking the silence. Clear’s eyes peeked out from behind his hands. Aoba gently tugged on Clear’s arm. “Let’s go see what kind of fish they have.”
Clear slowly dropped his hands from his face and looked Aoba in the eyes. “Do you think it’ll help?”
“I know it will,” Aoba said reassuringly, although his chest twitched with guilt. It would make Clear feel better for a while, but it couldn’t be a permeant fix to his boyfriend’s insecurity.
Clear reached out for Aoba’s hand as they stood up together. Aoba paid the worker who stood near the door and the two entered the main hall of the aquarium, Aoba looked up at Clear anxiously. The aquarium was mostly empty, aside from a few scattered couples standing quietly in front of the tanks. The glow of the tanks illuminated Clear’s expressionless face. Clear noticed Aoba’s gaze and cracked a tiny, cautious smile. He seemed calmer now, but he was probably more than a little shaken.
Aoba tried to smile, too. He squeezed Clear’s hand as they stepped in front of the nearest tank. Its inhabitants were a couple of large, slow catfish. Their long whiskers brushed the glass as they swam by.
The pair wandered from tank to tank, watching fish of all colors and sizes move gracefully in their own small, peaceful worlds. Clear’s glazed and vacant eyes slowly started to come into focus. Aoba could see his body start to relax.
Clear and Aoba followed a branch off of the main hall of the aquarium into a smaller hallway, with smaller tanks filling up the walls around them. Clear, who had said nothing since the pair had started walking around, squeaked as he saw the creatures around them. “Aoba-san! Aoba-san, look!” Clear bounced a little on his feet and pointed with a gloved finger to one of the smallest tanks in the hall. Aoba walked up close to him and was immediately breathless. The tank was home to several small, oval-shaped jellyfish, adorned with what seemed like tiny lights that pulsed through their bodies. Aoba stood with his mouth agape. He shook himself long enough to read the sign on the tank’s side. “Rainbow Jelly,” Aoba murmured. The intricate beauty of the jellyfish could give the Christmas lights a run for their money. Aoba was yanked out of his reverie when Clear whipped around to face the tank behind them. The jellyfish inside was much larger, and looked a little like a cauliflower. Aoba only gazed at it for a minute before Clear dashed to the next tank. They hopped back and forth across the hall, watching one type after another in its habitat. Aoba had gotten so swept up in the rhythm of their pace that he almost walked past a tank that Clear had come to a full stop in front of. His eyes were glued to a jellyfish that had short tentacles and a wide umbrella, with four small circles on the bell. The sign beside its tank read “Aurelia aurita”.
“Aoba-san,” Clear breathed, “This one is so beautiful…”
Aoba gave the jellyfish another look. He was right, it was beautiful. It was less flashy than the Rainbow Jelly, and smaller than the cauliflower-shaped fish, but it was captivating in its simplicity. It looked familiar, somehow…
Before Aoba could remember what it reminded him of, a young girl, maybe five or six, ran up to the tank and stood beside them. She gasped very audibly. She looked up at Aoba, her eyes wide. “Blue hair-san! This jellyfish is so pretty!” A wide grin broke on her face as Aoba laughed. She glanced to Clear, and then back at the tank, but her body jumped after a moment of silence. She slowly turned towards Clear again, her eyes even wider. She whipped her head back and forth between the tank and Clear, who cocked his head curiously.
“Is this jellyfish your friend?” She asked Clear, putting a hand on the glass.
Clear blinked. “My friend?”
“You’re both the same.” She glanced down at her feet and then back up at Clear shyly. “You’re both lovely.”
Clear’s eyebrows raised and his cheeks flushed. “Ah, thank you! It’s very flattering to be compared to jellyfish-san.”
The little girl clapped her hands. “Can you dance like a jellyfish, too?”
Clear looked taken aback. “A-ah, I’m not sure if…” He turned to Aoba with a pleading look.
“Please, please! Blue hair-san will dance with you!” The girl rocked back and forth on her heels.
Aoba looked at Clear and shrugged slightly, his face starting to feel a little warm. If Clear were comfortable enough, he would be willing to try.
Clear looked at the girl and nodded. “Alright, I’ll dance.”
Clear gulped and took Aoba’s hands, lifting them up in the air the slightest bit. He started to hum quietly and nervously shuffled his feet back and forth, shifting his weight from one side to another. Aoba followed his lead, and the two started to move up and down the hallway, watching themselves carefully so they wouldn’t accidently run into one of the walls. It felt a little awkward to Aoba at first, but when he looked up from his feet and into Clear’s eyes, they both became more confident in their steps. Back and forth, swaying, swaying. Clear’s hum eventually broke into a song, a little louder with every step they took, until his voice filled the hallway. Aoba looked around him. It was probably his imagination, but it seemed like the jellyfish were swaying in time with them.
It was then when Aoba remembered. The jellyfish Clear was captivated by was the same kind of jellyfish that rescued him in his dream. Rescued by jellyfish, the way that Clear rescued him from Oval Tower…Clear was always doing his best to be there for Aoba, to help Aoba when he needed it, to comfort him when he was at his worst. Aoba never realized that Clear wasn’t there for himself the way that he was there for Aoba. The thought made Aoba’s throat catch.
They spun faster and faster, drawing closer to one another. Aoba’s heart was racing. He felt so comfortable, so at ease in Clear’s arms. It wasn’t until the two had come to a stop, leaning on one another to keep their balance, when Aoba realized that he was on the verge of tears. He took a few deep breaths and straightened himself up. The little girl was clapping furiously.
“You really are a jellyfish! I knew so!” Her smile was a mile long. “I’m glad I met a jellyfish person today.” A woman’s voice called out from behind them. The little girl started. It was probably someone in the girl’s family. She turned to start walking toward the voice, but turned quick and waved at the two of them first. She sprinted down the hallway, and then she was gone.
Aoba panted. “Clear, that was…” He looked up. Clear was back to standing in front of the Aurelia aurita tank.
“That girl thought I was beautiful.” Clear sounded like he was in awe.
“Of course she did! You are beautiful.” Aoba stood by Clear’s side. Clear looked down at him, his eyebrows drawn together. Aoba smiled. “That girl sees it, and I see it…” Aoba looked at the jellyfish tank one more time. “But what really matters in the end is if you see it yourself, Clear.”
Clear looked back into the slow moving water. The jellyfish’s movements were reminiscent of their dance, in a way. Aoba could only hope that he could see the elegance of the jellyfish in himself.
Clear made a sound in the back of his throat. “I think…I think I understand.” He looked truly happy for the first time since they left that day. “I love you so much, Aoba-san, and if I can give some of that love to myself, I think that everything I do will feel a little like dancing.” Clear sniffed a little and then smiled so bright that it put everything they had seen that day, lights, jellyfish, and all, to shame. “I’m ready to go back outside now.”
Aoba nodded. Together, they walked to the end of the hallway and out the door.
The shopping district was just as busy as it had been before, and Aoba glanced nervously at Clear. Would he be able to make it back home alright?
Clear, however, was standing in place and turning around in a slow circle. The sky had grown even darker while they were inside, making the lights look even brighter. Clear laughed warmly. “Aoba-san, today has been so wonderful.” Aoba’s heart jumped.
“Clear, if you ever need to talk to me about anything, I promise to do my best to help you in any way that I can.” Aoba drew close to his lover.
“Thank you, Aoba-san.” Clear looked like he was about to say something else, but something above them caught his gaze. “Aoba-san, what’s that?”
Aoba looked up. “Oh, um…” He wracked his brain. He had seen that kind of plant before, but he couldn’t remember its name. “I don’t remember what it’s called, but I think that when you see it you’re supposed to-“
Aoba’s voice was silence by a warmth on his lips. He could almost see his face grow as cherry-red as the berries on the plant above. He closed his eyes and let himself melt into the kiss. Mistletoe. That was its name.
Clear drew back. His cheeks were pink, from the cold or from something else, Aoba couldn’t tell. It took Aoba a second to regain his voice. He sounded a little hoarse, but he managed to say what he had been thinking all day. “I love you, Clear.”
The walk home felt like a dream. No, maybe it felt a little more like a dance.