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“Who the fuck is it at this hour?” Xukun groaned with his eyes closed.
His forehead was crumpled, expression contorted in a frown. The guy grunted as he reached for his phone on the night table that’s been going off for a couple of minutes now, bothering his slumber.
Xukun grabbed the device and squinted his eyes in an attempt to read the caller ID.
“Jun?” he mumbled, eyebrows still knitted together.
The blonde remained in silence, eyes shut once again, while he tried to get his brain cells to work.
“Holy shit!”
Xukun jolted up, eyes growing wider as he realized who was calling. It was as if someone poured a cold bucket of water on him. But unfortunately for him, the phone stopped ringing in that instant.
“Oh, fuck! Oh fuck!”
Xukun shoot up, before hurriedly tapping on the “call” button and put the phone on his ear.
“Hello?” starts the blonde as soon as the other person picked up.
“Kun.”
“Yes? Where are you?”
“In front of your door.”
“What do you mean in front—?”
Instead of completing his sentence, the guy rushed out of his room to open the front door and let the male in.
“Are you crazy?” Xukun screeched when he found his stupid friend, Lin Yanjun, sitting on the rug in front of his porch dripping wet, both hands gripping the phone tightly.
“You’re soaking idiot! Why didn’t you bring an umbrella?” he scolded him.
Right in that moment a lightning appeared on the sky, lighting up their faces. And Xukun noticed the sorrow in the older’s face despite the fact that the latter had a grin curving his lips.
“A gust of wind broke mine,” replied Yanjun without moving from his position.
Xukun sighed.
“Hold on, I’ll bring you a towel.”
The blonde turned on his heels but Yanjun grabbed his wrist, stopping him in his place.
“Don’t leave me.” The black-haired guy tilted his head down. “I’m begging you, please don’t leave me.” Those words came out of his lips like an inaudible, sharp whisper of the wind. Broken, he sounded broken.
Xukun frowned for a second as he felt his heart tightening in his chest. He was well aware of the true meaning of those words. He exactly knew who they were related to. He always knew, somehow.
“If you don’t want me to leave you, come with me. Change your shirt at least or you’ll get sick,” Xukun said, trying to keep his voice stable, as he ignored the lump in his throat.
Yanjun lifted his head as he turned towards the younger. He stared at him for a second before extending his hand. Then Xukun grabbed his hand and helped him get up, making sure to hold on the door to not get pulled down by the older’s weight.
“Oh god. You weigh a ton,” the blonde uttered with a grimace.
“Don’t worry, they’re all muscles.” Yanjun sported a smirk as he showed off one of his biceps.
“Yeah sure, as if you’re not as thin as a toothpick.” Xukun chuckled.
“Check it yourself then.” Yanjun took a step forward, a smug expression painted on his features but Xukun instantly shook his head and waved his hands awkwardly.
“I’d rather not, thanks.”
“Okay. Your loss.” Yanjun shrugged, while the blonde rolled his eyes with a slight grin.
“Let’s go, I wouldn’t want to put up with your annoying ass if you got sick.” The latter then headed inside, followed by Yanjun who made sure to close the door first.
***
“Aren’t you gonna ask me what happened?”
Xukun placed his cup of hot chocolate on the table as he stared at his reflection on the sweet beverage.
“I don’t wanna force you to tell me. But you know that if you need to let it out I’m here.”
One of the corner of Yanjun’s lips curled up, showing off his adorable dimples.
This was what Yanjun adored of Xukun. The fact that he could always count on him despite everything. The fact that he never pestered him to open up. The blonde always respected his privacy and decisions. He was always ready to give advice when they were necessary but he never said stuff only to second him. Xukun was the type of person who would tell you what you needed to hear rather than what you wanted. That’s why Yanjun cared so much about him.
“Right. Don’t worry. I only hung out with some friends. We went to the club but we stayed until late and it started raining. You know that my house is quite far so I thought I’d pass by your place.” Yanjun widened his smile.
It was evident in Xukun’s expression that he didn’t believe it at all, but he didn’t push it any further. After all it wasn’t the first time that Yanjun crashed in his place in the middle of the night.
“I see.”
Xukun brought the cup to his lips to drink the last sip of hot chocolate and then placed it in the sink.
“When you’re done put it in the sink.” The younger pointed at Yanjun’s mug.
“I’m heading back to sleep since I need to wake up early tomorrow. If you want to stay the night I already left a pillow and a blanket on the couch.”
Yanjun nodded with a grin as he watched the younger leave the kitchen.
***
Yanjun’s gaze softened as he observed Xukun’s sleeping face. He lovingly patted his head as he whispered, “Thanks for everything”, before exiting the boy’s room and heading towards the main door.
Only the light sound of his steps could be heard as the storm finally calmed down. Which was a relief for Yanjun who didn’t wanna steal one of Xukun’s umbrellas once again; he would’ve ended up collecting them otherwise.
Passing by the living room, Yanjun’s gaze fell on the folded sweater laying on the couch beside a large pillow and a wool blanket; it’s the grey sweater he once lent to the guy.
As soon as the black-haired guy wore it, he was engulfed by the delicate fragrance of magnolia, the familiar and addicting scent of Xukun, making him smile for the umpteenth time.
The blonde was like a safe place for him. He was and will always be, his sanctuary.
Yanjun took a pillow from the sofa and placed it under the window near the entrance. He slightly rolled up the blinds and pushed open the glass. This was a tactic he often used to lock Xukun’s flat without taking the keys that the latter always left on the nearest bracket. After locking the door from the outside he would throw the keys inside from the window making them land on the pillow he previously prepared.
And so he did that night as well.
Despite the fact that he always arrived in an inconvenient hour, aware that Xukun was sleeping, Yanjun would never stay and would always leave earlier. He didn’t want to disturb the younger any further, even though the boy never made him feel like he was a bother.
Once he got home, Yanjun soon realized that Xukun accidentally left his iPod in his sweater’s pocket.
Normally Yanjun would leave it alone and simply return it but for some strange reason curiosity got the best in him. Xukun has always been a reserved guy. He always listened to other people but he rarely opened up himself, at least not with Yanjun.
The younger had always reasoned that there was nothing interesting in his life, so no one really knew him.
Therefore for Yanjun even knowing the guy’s music taste, was a step forward. And without further ado, he looked through the recorded songs in the device.
However Yanjun’s eyes widened as he found a single folder with his own name. What appeared before him caused a turmoil of emotions inside him.
Hey, Listen. You belong with me, because I know I will treat you better.That was the message that the songs in Xukun’s playlist formed out.
“What an idiot. What an idiot I have been.”
Yanjun covered his face with a hand as he let himself fall backwards on his bed. He couldn’t believe that he’d been so blind all this time.
That he never noticed Xukun’s feelings and that he was unconsciously hurting the one person he treasured the most.
“Shit.”
Yanjun lets out an airy laugh, humorless, while grabbing his face with his hands.
“What a fucking shit of garbage I am,” the smile faded and his laugh got replaced by soft painful sobs.
An unbearable clamp closed on his chest, squeezing his heart, but never as tight as he clenched his own hands in fists. Tears flowed down Yanjun’s cheeks like endless streams but he didn't dare wipe them away.
Xukun is special to Yanjun. After all he was the one who was always there for him everytime he needed it. Xukun has always been ready to drop everything to give him a shoulder to cry on. He was the one who always made the older happy… The one who always made him feel better even if it meant hurting his own self.
And now Yanjun was frustrated. He was frustrated because in return for all the comfort and happiness Xukun gave him, Yanjun only gave him pain.
Yanjun loved him. Yanjun wanted to give him the world. He would’ve protected him from everything. He wanted to protect Xukun from everything, but unfortunately he knew that he couldn’t even protect him from himself, let alone Xukun. He knew he'd end up breaking the guy beyond repair.
Yanjun would’ve lied if he said he didn’t feel anything for Xukun. However as much as he wanted, he was aware that he wouldn’t be able to give his whole heart to the male.
***
“Forgive me, but I can’t return your feelings Kun.” Those were the words that Yanjun was supposed to tell Xukun, but he never had the courage to pronounce them in front of the latter.
However, the blonde felt it anyway. It wasn’t a coincidence that he was able to understand and comfort the older in the best way possible. After all Xukun knew the guy like the palm of his hand.
Their closeness wasn’t given by the amount of time that they’ve known each other because even if they have been friends only for a couple of years, Xukun knew Yanjun better than anyone else.
The reason behind it then? Perhaps it was the fact that the blonde observed every detail of Yanjun’s behaviour. That way he noticed Yanjun’s habit of torturing his collarbones whenever he was nervous or flustered, or the way he slightly pouted every time he was concentrated or even how he swelled his cheeks when he wanted to refrain a smile. Xukun often caught sight of those simple gestures that everyone took for granted and that he always kept in mind.
For that reason he didn’t struggle to understand what Yanjun's mood was when the latter came back to his house a few days after that rainy night of March.
No matter how wide Yanjun’s smile was, it wasn’t able to cover up the sadness in his eyes. Also the sudden change in the black-haired guy didn’t go unnoticed to Xukun. He felt him so distant, even when they had their bodies glued to each other.
***
Despite the fact that Xukun was listening to music through his headphones, the mechanical voice of the female that was coming from the speakers reached his ears.
He let his gaze fall on the screen of his phone; even the smile of the two individuals on his wallpaper no longer seemed so genuine.
The mechanical voice announced his flight once again, forcing him to turn off his device and slide it in the pocket of his jeans.
Before heading towards the boarding gate, Xukun let out a sigh in an attempt to relieve the weight on his chest.
However after taking two steps he paused and fished out his phone from his pocket. He couldn’t leave without even hearing a bye from Yanjun.
Okay, he was hurt. Okay, he was bothered by the fact that Yanjun didn’t even try to contact him despite being aware that he would’ve left that day. But in the end, Yanjun has always been Xukun’s weakness. He’s never been able to resist him and in some way he has always been willing to do everything for him. And even now, once again he decided to put aside his own feelings and emotions for the said boy.
One ring, two rings, three rings… Minutes ticked by and Xukun was risking to lose his flight but Yanjun wasn’t answering.
A multitude of questions and answers appeared in the younger’s mind who tried to justify the older's actions until the end.
Xukun waited and waited… Even when he was already sitting inside the plane and there were only a few minutes left for takeoff.
But eventually, he couldn’t do anything else other than leaning back with a sigh, closing his eyes defeated, as the last glimmer of hope in his heart slowly faded away.