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The feeling. It is fire. It is fire, brimstone, burning hydrogen, and acidic sulphur. It is the harrowing beginnings of the chaotic universe. It is cruel nuclear fission, trembling and vibrating with violent voltage within the fragile confines of her ribcage. It is unendurable, Ochako thinks, as the blood roars in her veins and paints her cheeks red, and she fears that she would soon break. She fears that she would unravel at her seams and finally get a glimpse inside the hollow of herself and understand.
Understand why he made her feel this way.
Understand this feeling that sent her heart tap-dancing to an unfamiliar rhythm.
Understand the fire that danced in her bones and the lava that swam in her veins.
“You’re in love,” Mina comments matter-of-factly and it takes everything she has to not fall apart. Words are too finite – too miniscule – to contain this big bang of emotions blooming inside of her. How could she explain that it wasn’t anything like that? That it was something like…something like…
She doesn’t have time to finish her thoughts before she rises into the air, stammering and stuttering indiscernible excuses.
“It’s not good to pry so much,” she hears Tsuyu’s calm voice below her as she floats and flails pathetically in the air, growing increasingly embarrassed and flustered at the conversation.
‘It’s not like that!” She wants to scream, shout, and wail with enough force to cancel out the foreign poison swirling in her veins. But one glimpse out of the window is enough to send the blood roaring back to her head and silence all of her thoughts. Her hands grip at the material of her tank top, feeling the unsteady hum of her heartbeat, and as she watches Midoriya jump and leap in his training she knows that, while it’s not like that, it’s definitely something.
“Is Uraraka all right?” Midoriya worriedly asks Tsuyu as they board the bus to head to the provisional hero license-testing center. He had noticed that Ochako had been unusually quiet all day, even seeming to purposefully avoid him as she hurriedly boarded the bus and rushed to sit in the farthest back seat. Tsuyu’s wide eyes reflect her worry but she looks to Midoriya with her usual calm demeanor and nods.
“She’ll be all right,” she offers, “she’s just feeling a little under the weather.”
Midoriya casts another worried glance at Ochako, curled up in the shadows of the back seat, but reluctantly accepts Tsuyu’s explanation as he seats himself next to Iida. The bus gradually gets nosier and nosier as more students pile on and rush to grab their preferred seats but Tsuyu quietly makes her way through the ruckus and towards the back before she plops down next to Ochako.
The two of them exchange no words as the bus roars to life and the palpable excitement in the air grows as Class 1-A begin their journey to battle for their provisional hero licenses. Ochako seems only to curl tighter into herself as the bus races down the main road and the outside scenery passes by in a surreptitious blend of earthy hues.
“I don’t think it’s anything to be afraid of.”
Ochako slowly lifts her head up at Tsuyu’s soft voice. Tsuyu lets out a soft ‘ribbit’ as their eyes meet and she contemplates her next words before speaking.
“I don’t know much about…love,” she offers softly, slightly embarrassed, “but I don’t think it’s anything to be afraid of.”
“N-no, I told you guys! I-it’s not anything like that!” Ochako springs back to life, quickly clasping her cheeks as they burn bright red and Tsuyu nods in understanding.
“I don’t know how you’re feeling but whether it is or isn’t something like that, I don’t think it matters. Whatever the feeling is in here,” she pauses to place her webbed hand over her chest, “it’s yours. It’s pure and beautiful and it’s yours.”
Tsuyu gets up from her seat and her eyes crinkle shut as she smiles in Ochako’s direction.
“I remember the time you gave me the courage to say what I felt,” she grins, referring to the time she had apologized to the group that had gone to rescue Bakugou, “so I at least wanted to do the same for you.”
Tsuyu walks off and Ochako watches in silent wonder as she strides down the aisle of the bus and plops down next to Momo. Ochako places a hand over her chest, measuring out the erratic timpani of her heartbeat and casts another anxious glance in Midoriya’s direction.
Admiration, jealousy, denial, passion, love; she can’t discern what the fire burning inside of her was but Tsuyu’s words rung clear in her mind. The chaos churning and the heated entropy swelling inside of her; it was all there to claim as her own. It was wild and passionate, nonsensical and volatile, but it was pure and beautiful, and it was hers.
She thinks that the feeling is fire as she rises to her shaky feet and makes her way down the aisle to the front. With each heavy step she thinks It is fire, brimstone, burning hydrogen and acidic sulphur. She passes Tsuyu – who casts her a supportive smile – and she thinks that the feeling is cruel nuclear fission, the harrowing beginnings of her chaotic universe; of something wonderful yet terrifying.
“Deku-kun!” She calls out as she approaches her two best friends and grips the metal bar to steady herself. Midoriya looks up at her and the greens of his eyes shine in relief as he smiles in her direction and sends her fragile lungs shuddering with each desperate breath. The feeling is unendurable; she thinks again as she returns his smile and squeezes into the seat between them. It is unendurable but she realizes that the feeling is indeed something like that.
She realizes that it is something like love.