Work Text:
- September 2029 –
(I am like a wave… I know it hurts…)
Isn’t it amazing how one song can bring so many memories? How one single note from that song can make you remember that exact feeling you got from your first listen? Tipong ramdam na ramdam mo lahat ng nararamdam mo no’ng pagkakataon na iyon. ‘Yung saya at pati na rin ‘yung pait at sakit.
(But I slam against the sand… And then again I nev –)
The singer couldn’t even finish her line when Karl suddenly turned the radio off. He took his keys and heaved out a loud sigh – his fingers tapping his car’s steering wheel. It’s funny how he almost condemned everything that reminds him of that man. The songs he used to love. His favorite movies. Pancakes. Heck, he almost even hated Christmas because of him!
He needed to avoid those things. It’s for his own good anyway. As what they say, out of sight, out of mind. Pero pa’no niya naman iiwasan ang pasko diba?
Karl looked at the building in front of where he parked his car. Binago nila ‘yung front, he thought eyeing the entrance. They painted the walls differently, they even put new plants, but for him, it was still the same. After ten years, the building still looked the same. It felt the same for him.
He startled when his phone suddenly rang. “Russel,” the screen said.
He rested his forehead on the steering wheel – torn between answering him or not. Russel has been the only person in Karl’s life after everything happened. He met him at university since they were both taking Architecture. He never knew how he would get back up after what happened to him the last sem-break of 2018. It was ten years ago but it felt like yesterday for him. It was still so vivid – the affection and the heartbreak. He was so lost and so broken, but not until he met Russel.
Meeting him was like finding light in the darkness. He made everything so bearable for Karl because he was his only friend. It was so hard for him to make friends again, fortunately, he was there for him. But he swore to himself that it will only stay that way and Karl also knew that he wasn’t really his type. He always looked at him as his brother. Kaya laking gulat niya nalang nang bigla itong umamin sakanya no’ng isang araw. Hindi pa rin malimutan ni Karl kung pa’no ito umiiyak sa harap niya habang sinasabi ang lahat ng nararamdaman nito.
He knew what he felt. He could hear the fear in Russel’s voice because that fear was too familiar for him, that fear of not being accepted. It will never be that easy to surpass that because he was so afraid of what other people will say; the judgment from his family, his peers, and society even. He was a successful architect already; imagine how problematic the world can be once people found it.
But fortunately, Karl’s already passed that. After being outside for so long, he knew he was too precious to hide his love – he learned it from the best. He finally knew that he deserves better. Time helped him to heal that certain part of his identity and when Russel told him about his feelings he already knew the right words to say.
He promised himself to never like friends anymore because friendship isn’t worth losing for love. Proven and tested niya na ‘yon. Kaya medyo mahirap din sakanya na i-reject si Russel without ruining what they have. Alam niyang nasaktan niya ito kaya ‘di niya talaga alam kung tatanggapin niya ba ang tawag nito.
Eventually, the ringing stopped and then followed by one beep. It was a text message from his Tito Santi.
“pangkin, sa’n ka na? kakarating lang nila mama mo dito. kanina ka pang hinahanap. nakalabas ka na ba ng office niyo?”
He slid his phone into his pocket and got out of his car. Seeing the place around him brought so many memories. It was those memories that he badly treasured and wanted to forget at the same time. It pains him to see that same building again. Do’n nagsimula niyang kilalanin ng mabuti ang sarili niya. Do’n nagsimula siyang magmahal. Do’n nagsimula ang lahat e, at do’n din nagtapos.
Dire-diretso na si Karl papasok ng building. Bigla nalang siya napa-ngiti na hanggang ngayon ay saulado niya pa rin kung sa’n dadaan papunta sa condo unit ng tito niya. Ngayon nalang din kase siya naka-bisita dito dahil naging busy na siya sa trabaho niya bilang architect. Bihira na rin niya makausap ang kanyang tito, kaya sobra naman ‘yung excitement niya nang malaman na ngayon niya ipapakilala sakanilang lahat ang bago niyang partner.
Nasa harap niya na ang condo ni Tito Santi nang makita niya ang katabing unit nito. It was then he realized that there was a huge smile plastered on his face – a little wider than before. He was so tempted to knock on that door, illusively expecting that his face will show up. Karl chuckled at his own delusions. He finally knocked on Tito Santi’s door and once it opened the same familiar song welcomed him as if fate was mocking him.
(The boy I love gave me a bird…)
“Anak!” He felt his father’s embrace after he opened the door. “Parang pumayat ka yata?”
“Di naman, Pa.”
The song was still playing in the background as his father pulled him inside. Once he saw the whole place again, Karl didn’t know how to react. It was this perfect mix of longing and nostalgia. Everything was too overwhelming for him. Everything that he was seeing right now felt like home to him, but the fact that this wasn't his home anymore hurts Karl more than words can describe.
(He said be patient please… I set it free… He left without another word…)
“Hala… dami tao…” Karl whispered to himself as he looked at the small crowd in front of him. Tantya niya ay nasa sampu silang lahat. Buong akala niya kase ay silang magkakapamilya lang ang pupunta. Mukhang may mga in-invite ‘ding kaibigan ang kanyang tito.
(My heart it broke that night…)
He spotted his mother talking to Tito Santi, a man beside him – probably it’s his new partner. He was slightly paler than his Tito. Americano? Karl asked himself.
He looked around, savoring that same place again. It has some slight changes but the furniture was still in their exact places. Karl was roaming his eyes around but when his eyes darted over the kitchen, a familiar woman was standing there giving him a shy smile.
(I asked him where to go… Said I don't know… So I fell down and cried)
She looked almost the same as how he last saw her. Well, she looked older of course, but that wasn’t enough to hide the jolliness she always had. She still radiated that same energy.
“Ate Judit…” Karl said as he waved at her but Judit was now looking somewhere else. And as he traced the direction she was looking at, there he saw a friend that he really missed. His friend was walking down the stairs and as soon as their eyes meet, Karl couldn’t contain his emotions.
(Maybe some part of me… Hoped that it might always be…)
“Anna!” he called but as soon as Karl saw the man behind his friend, all of his senses completely died down. He went frozen from where he was standing. He couldn’t believe that he’s here. It was really him. Vlad.
And as soon as they started to close the distance between them, Karl could only hear the music playing in the background. He forgot that his father was behind him, he forgot that Judit and Anna were looking at them. He forgot everything except him. They were walking towards one another – their gazes slowly drowning the whole place.
(You and me each other… Easy, true young lovers…)
Vlad looked different, Karl thought. His hair was longer and was tied into a man-bun. Stubbles were also evident on his chin. He looked a little scruffy yet Karl still couldn’t help his own system from panicking. He still looked as dreamy as ever. It was as if everything he felt ten years ago rekindled inside him and the music in the background was a big help. By seeing Vlad in front of him, he forgot the resentment he had with this same song. It was like everything was back to square one after seeing him all over again.
“Hi… Vlad…” Karl greeted, doing his best to repress a smile as he called his name. But who was he kidding? The whole room could almost see how happy he was.
Vlad nodded at him, still rocking that signature boy-next-door smile, “Hey, Arki.”
---
Everyone was now sitting at the dining table, soft jazz music now playing in the background. Karl looked at every person that was at the table. He spotted his parents, who are still busy talking to Tito Santi and his partner. It warms his heart so much seeing them happy together. Alalang-alala niya ang panahon na tila’y nagtatampo pa si Tito Santi sa trato ng mga magulang nito. Maybe time did its job after all. He was so proud that they managed to fix the issues in the past.
“Kumusta ka na?” He looked to his right when Anna suddenly tapped his hand.
Karl was kind of surprised seeing her getting shy in front of him. Kung tutuusin nga dapat siya ang mahiya dito. Pagkatapos ng gabing iyon, hindi siya muling nagpakita dito. Ni hindi niya man lang siya sumagot sa mga text at tawag ng mga ito. Parang gan’on nalang siya nawala. Because at that time, everything that concerns Vlad gives him this indescribable pain inside. Seeing Anna, Judit, or even the simple things made Karl remember him and it was hurting him over and over again.
“Okay naman ako, Anna…” he answered shyly, a ‘sorry’ already at the tip of his tongue. But it seemed he couldn’t get it out. He was struggling on how to say it. It was stupid for him to do that pero halos sampung taon na ang nakalipas. Maiintindihan naman nila ‘yon diba?
Magsasalita pa sana si Karl nang biglang tumayo ang kanyang Papa – a wine glass on his right hand.
“Bago kami umalis, gusto ko sana mag-toast muna para sa’king kapatid…”
“Aalis na kayo?” Karl interjected and asked his mother, Adelaida.
She then nodded. “May kailangan lang kami asikasuhin sa bahay. Alam mo naman ‘tong Papa mo. Alagang-alaga sa naipundar na bahay ng kaisa-isahang anak.”
“Santi…” they both looked at the standing Mario, already sipping at the glass.
“Gusto ko lang sana sabihin sa’yo na napaka-swerte ko na naging kapatid kita. Napakaswerte ko’ng kuya na magkaroon ng isang mapang-unawa na kapatid…” they all saw how he wiped a single tear that ran down on his right cheek. “Aamin ko man na hindi ako proud sa mga pagkakamali at pagkukulang ko dati. Pero ginagawa ko ang lahat na ayusin iyon at maging mapagmahal na kuya sa’yo. Gusto ko lamang sabihin na proud na proud ako sa mga naachieve mo at sobrang saya ko na makita kang masaya.”
Karl looked at the man sitting beside Tito Santi. Tears were now both streaming down their faces – in awe of what Mario said.
“Basta, David. Alagaan mo ‘tong kapatid ko ha,” he continued while he gestured his glass – asking for a toast. “’Wag na ‘wag mo s’yang sasaktan.”
They all laughed seeing him being so protective. Karl could even hear Judit’s voice softly echoed in the room. Ally!, she said making him turn his gaze at her. But it's funny that his eyes didn’t focus on her, instead, it darted to the man sitting beside her, Vlad.
He was smiling at Santi – the same smile Karl missed seeing. He couldn’t get his eyes off of him. It was as Vlad's eyes were drowning him and he couldn’t manage to swim back up at the surface and instead he was so willing to dive deeper down his ocean.
Karl was so dazed at looking at him that he didn’t realize he was already standing at the table. Everybody looked at him – waiting for him to speak. He awkwardly picked up his wine glass and started doing a toast.
“So, hello…” he greeted as he looked at everyone – even the two strangers who he assumed were Santi’s friends. “Hindi sapat ang mga salita para malaman ng lahat kung ga’no ako ka-thankful na magkar’on ng isang Tito Santi.”
He looked at him and saw that his uncle was already red from crying. “Pinaalala niyo sa’kin na ako ang may hawak sa oras at katotohanan ko. Pinaalala niyo sa’kin na may mga taong tatanggapin at willing na mag-hintay sa’kin.”
Karl looked at Anna and Judit – tears now forming at the corners of their eyes. Moments of being with them flashed through his mind one by one; moments when they were so young – naive yet thriving and happy. He then looked at Vlad who is now intently listening to the words that he was saying. They were looking at each other, getting lost in each other’s eyes again.
“At higit sa lahat, pinaalala sa’kin ni Tito Santi ang mga taong nagmamahal sa’kin. Ang mga taong ginawa kong tahanan. Na kahit anong mangyari, doon pa rin ako uuwi. Tatanggapin akong muli na bukas ang mga kamay,” he said those words as if it was directly for him and not to his Tito Santi.
Vlad finally broke away his gaze from him and he couldn’t figure out what registered in his eyes. Karl was skeptical that it looked like pain and bitterness but it felt too real for him when he saw him stand up from his seat and leave the whole unit.
After the soft click of the door, the sound of saxophones was the only noise they could now hear. Everyone was awkwardly looking at Karl as if they already knew their history. An awkward silence started to envelop the whole table before Judit raised her glass.
“To Santi!” she proclaimed as she gulped the red liquid – doing her best to lighten up the mood.
Karl downed his glass, bitterness filling his mouth yet it wasn’t as bitter and awful as the pain already bubbling inside of him.
---
“Ten years… can you believe it?” He looked at the lights around the whole gazebo – the exact gazebo he decorated years ago. The things he does for love. “Ten years seeing him in person again, pero I could still feel the same thing.”
“Jose Vladimir, you know I really love you. You’re my best friend pero kahit kailan ang arte-arte mo talaga.” He made a face after what the woman he was video-calling said. “What’s holding you back? Ilang years na nakalipas and I know that you still have feelings for him. Like hello? I witnessed how stupid you can get. I couldn’t believe you got back with Aldous after what happened between you and Karl. I’m just so glad ‘di kayo tumagal nung bwisit na ‘yon.”
“Hoy teka lang, Susan. You know I wasn’t proud of it, diba? I was just too broken at that time.”
“And too reckless, too,” Sue added. “Anyway, diba yan naman talaga real reason why you decided to go there – fix everything with Karl – at ngayon you’re telling me you’re having second thoughts? Hello, Vlad? If I remembered correctly, ate mo lang naman invited sa dinner party na yan pero you suddenly tagged along because you know Karl will be there, too. You even left me here alone in New York.”
“As if hindi ka naman masaya d’yan sa bago mo’ng kasama. ‘Wag nga ako, Sue. It’s your time to be close to Joan. You’re one of the best directors in rom-com tapos duwag ka din pala sa pag-ibig? Funny mo. How’s the convention, by the way?”
“The convention’s great. Nakakaumay nga lang because whenever someone recognizes me, the first thing they’ll always say is ‘Where’s Mr. Austria?’. Iba ka talaga, friend!” they both laughed at what Sue said. “Pero ‘wag mo nga ibahin ‘yung topic! Sinama mo pa si Joan sa usapan. So, ano plano mo?”
But by the time Vlad was about to answer her, he spotted Karl already walking towards where he was sitting. He ended the call without even saying goodbye to Sue. He watched him slowly getting near him – his panic intensifying in each step. Hindi naman siya ganito e. Kapag sakanya lang talaga.
For him, Karl still looked like the first time he laid eyes upon him. Soft and gentle, especially his familiar eyes that he missed seeing every minute of the day. Up until now, his eyes still make him feel fragile. As if no matter how many times Vlad tells himself that those eyes couldn’t hurt him, at the end of the day they still do. They will always hurt him.
Karl was never his ex. How could he even call him that if in the first place he wasn’t officially his? They both loved each other, nobody would have doubts about that. Pero nasa’n ang label? Nasa’n ang reassurance ng relasyon nilang dalawa?
Vlad could hear his heart tearing for the nth time after asking those questions again. But after how many years, he knew that they both needed this. A decade was already too much to grow this distant from each other. Lalo lang silang masasaktan.
“Pwede ba tayo mag-usap?” Karl started after he sat beside him – a fair distance between them. “Kumusta ka?”
Despite his pain, Vlad managed to mirror the smile on his face. He doesn’t really know what to say. It was getting too awkward for him that fear was embracing him little by little. They both jumped in surprise when music started playing from the distance. They both got surprised, not because of the sudden sound of the instruments, but it was because the song was too familiar to them. Iisipin na sana ni Karl na pinaglalaruan na sila ng tadhana dahil pangatlong beses na ito nangyari sa gabing ito.
“Naalala mo pa ‘tong kanta?” he asked when he heard Vlad softly singing the lyrics.
“Yup… how could I ever forget?”
They both looked at the whole gazebo. They were the only ones there yet they could feel their memory started to materialize in front of them – the music getting louder for their nostalgia.
“Knock-out si Anna no’n e. At tinuruan pa kitang sumayaw nung gabing ‘yon.”
“And that was the night when we almost kissed…”
Everything faded out when he heard what he said, the silence between them drowned the song playing. Tiningnan niya si Vlad pero nasa sahig lamang ang mga mata nito. Medyo namumula na rin ang mga mata at parang iiyak na.
He rarely cries and Karl knew that. He was always the strong one between them that’s why whenever he cries proves that he couldn’t bear the pain inside anymore.
And he was, indeed, hurting.
“I’m sorry…” Karl apologized. “I’m sorry sa lahat na nangyari.”
“Don’t be sorry, Karl. It was my fault. I was being too much to the point that I didn’t think of what you’ll feel. I understand why you reacted that way.”
“Pero I’m still sorry sa lahat ng sinabi ko no’ng gabing ‘yon. Kung kaya ko lang ayusin ang lahat, aayusin ko.” He reached for Vlad’s hand with no fear and hesitations. Ito na ang oras nila para bawiin ang kanilang storya at hinding-hindi siya papayag na pakawalan ang pagkakataong ito. “Vlad, ayaw ko nang paligoy-ligoy pa dahil ang daming oras na ang nasayang natin. Sampung taon na ang nasayang natin, ang nasayang ko. Takot na takot ako noon pero ngayon, pwede hayaan mo na ako ang maging matapang para sa’ting dalawa?”
Vlad saw determination and sincerity from his eyes. It was so intense that it somehow melts every worry and doubt that he has. He was so lost in his own thoughts that a nod was the only answer he could give. He felt Karl’s hand on his face – his thumb wiping away the tears falling. That small nod was enough for Karl to start and rewrite their story. Paunti-unti nilang isusulat muli ang kanilang storya katulad kung pa’no man sila nagsimula dati.
Karl felt an arm snaked around his shoulder – suddenly getting giddy on the fact that it was something the Old Vlad would do. They remained like that for God knows how long. His head resting on Vlad’s shoulder just like old times.
They were still sitting in silence when he speak once again.
“Karl, can I ask you a question?” he nodded. “Why didn’t you pursue film or writing? Why did you still choose Architecture?”
He sat right up and heaved out a sigh before answering. “Sa totoo lang, dahil sa’yo. Alam ko na kung ipapagpatuloy ko pa ang pagpe-pelikula, magkikita at magkikita pa rin tayo no matter what. At alam kong pareho tayong masasaktan. Alam kong pareho tayong mahihirapan.”
A sudden streak of guilt flashed through Vlad’s system. They both knew how Karl loved film. They both loved it. Do’n nga nagsimula ang lahat-lahat e.
“But don’t get me wrong, Vlad. I’m happy that it happened. Dahil do’n nagkaayos kami ng mga magulang ko. At s’yempre dahil din do’n, ang layo na ng narating mo. Ang saya-saya ko na makita kang nakuha mo na ‘yung mga pangarap mo.”
“But I wasn’t happy that you weren’t in it.”
Karl smiled and said, “But I’m here now.”
Vlad couldn’t stop himself from smiling at what he said. He felt his fingers tracing the veins bulging on his arm. “But promise me this, Karl...”
“Ano ‘yon?”
“Promise me you'll write again. Promise me you'll write me a movie, Arki.” their eyes met – both twinkling with the same adoration when they were young. “And this time, can you include our ending, too?”
“Anong ending?”
And with no hesitations, Vlad pulled Karl’s chin closing the distance between their faces. The taste of his lips was so reminiscent of their young love story, but the only difference was this time they were finally in-charge of its ending.