Archive of Our Own ^beta

A hot summer afternoon: age five and fifteen

In the middle of summer vacations, when the air is heavy and just thinking about the temperature is enough to make you feel hot, Levi’s house becomes a fucking oven.

He’s tried them all: the couch, the chairs around the table, his bed, even the goddamned floor -face down and arms spread wide. The next step is filling the bathtub with ice and making it his own house.

He just isn’t that fond of summer weather. You know, the sweaty and sticky hair and annoying clothes. Yeah. Gross.

Then, in late July, the miracle happens. Levi finds it: the perfect spot. It’s a hammock his mom bought about a week ago, but which Levi has never tried before because he wouldn’t have dared step outside. But then, the trees supporting the hammock shield just the right amount of sunlight to allow both enough light to read a book and enough shadow not to die drowning in your own sweat. And Levi must admit, there is a light breeze, too, which makes it pretty enjoyable. Sweet.

So, the plan is the following: spending the whole summer in blissful laziness on the said hammock. After all, life swings like a pendulum backward and forward between sleeping and boringly reading. Alright, maybe the quote doesn’t go exactly like this, but who cares.

And that’s how things go. At least, that’s how things go until a particular afternoon, when a car, supposedly, parks in the driveway of the house next to his and a bunch of people start unloading all the sort of stuff in the noisiest way possible. And, obviously, Levi’s precious, well-gained sleep goes fuck itself.

Even worse, there’s a woman who keeps calling a child’s name at the top of her lungs. “Eren, don’t run like that!”, “Eren, keep away from the street!”, “Eren, Eren, Eren!”

And really, fucking Eren is better to stop running and all, because otherwise Levi will require committing homicide.

Eventually, Eren does not stop running. And he doesn’t the next day, nor the following weeks. Levi doesn’t know much about the new family living next door, but he for sure knows they are noisy as hell.

What else he does know is that his mum tried to bring Levi with her to welcome them -which Levi strongly refused to do- and returned an hour and a half later with a bright smile and saying that the kid, Eren, “is a darling and you’ve never been such a sweety,” and “I bet your fake ice heart would like him too.”

But Levi doesn’t care. They ruined his magnificent afternoons in his superb spot on the hammock and sweet words about a oh so sweet child aren’t going to change that. Thank you a lot mom, but no.

Anyway, if Levi won’t go to Eren, Eren must come to Levi. And that happens on a Friday evening, when Levi’s reading is disturbed by a tiny voice attempting to hush -and failing- from the slit in the fence between their gardens. Levi waits for a bit, but the annoyance doesn’t stop and he soon gives up.

“What the hell are you doing, brat?”

Levi hears a “Gasp!” and the hushing stops. Then, “My kitten went in there. He don’t wanna come back.”

Levi sighs. What a hassle. He puts down his book and sits up. There is, indeed, a kitten next to the tree closest to the fence, playfully trying to catch a thread coming down from the hammock. Levi catches it with no problem and, just for a moment, he’s amazed by the softness of the little black ball of fur.

“You catch it?”

“Yeah. Come pick him up now.”

In a matter of seconds, the brat is running into his garden from the other end of the fence. But when he’s in front of Levi, he doesn’t reach for the cat how Levi had imagined he’d done, he hugs Levi instead (Levi’s thighs, to be fair), and looks up saying cheerfully: “Thaaank you!”

The brat’s eyes are green. But not like, green. They’re green. And big and round. And with long lashes. And his actions are so genuine that Levi’s heart warms.

“D’you like Sunny? Sunny’s my kitten. He’s mine. My mom and dad gived it to me because I was sad. D’you know why I was sad?”

Levi decides not to say anything about the name, which maybe isn’t that suitable for a black cat, and he also decides not to mention the questionable grammar. Instead, he says: “Obviously, I do not.”

“Why?”

Levi blinks. “Because I don’t know you?”

“Oh. I tell you then. I was sad because we move but my friends don’t. So my mom and dad buyed me Sunny. You know my mom and dad?”

Levi sighs. No shit, he does not?? Levi’s never dealt with kindergarteners before, but this one seems to be pretty loquacious. Still, he doesn’t find it in himself anymore to be annoyed.

“Once again, I do not.”

“Oh. What’s your name?”

“Levi.”

The kid laughs. “It’s a funny name!”

“Not that Eren is any better.”

His green eyes widen. “You know my name!”

“Difficult not to.”

Eren’s expression is quite confused, but he doesn’t ask anything anymore. Luckily.

It’s just now that Eren stops hugging him and finally reaches for the cat, but then he stops midway. “You wanna cuddle him a bit more?”

Levi doesn’t smile often. He just doesn’t find many reasons to do it. But now, the way this little kid froze with his tiny hands just before grabbing his black kitten, eyes wide and fingers twitching at the thought of drowning them in the soft fur, certainly is a pretty good one.

The corner of his lips is curving upwards before he notices.

“Don’t worry. I’ve already held him quite enough. You can take it back now.”

Eren gets on his tiptoes and takes Sunny from Levi, a bright smile that shows all the teeth he’s lost.

“Then I’m going home, or mom will yell ‘Eren! Eren!’ again. Bye, Levi!”

Levi doesn’t miss the way the child chuckles when saying his name. Eren is a weird kid, but his mom was right: he is a darling. And Levi doesn’t even love kids that much.

*

It seems like Sunny has taken a liking to Levi’s garden. Every day, approximately at the same time every freaking afternoon, the tiny creature paws towards his hammock -which his mother tried to take back from him, before being definitively defeated by a determined Levi laying there all day long, no breaks allowed- and tries catching the thread coming down the red hammock. And every single time, when Levi gets up -an eye always pointed towards the house door to make sure no wild specimen of the creature called ‘mom’ is coming out willing to steal his throne- and looks at the farther end of the fence, Eren’s head is sticking out from his side into Levi’s garden, an expecting gaze he’s probably certain to be hiding perfectly.

Now, Levi’s no fool and he knows there isn’t a wide range of options: or the cat is pretty damn stubborn, not to mention his being always on time, or the little brat has something going on there.

Levi can’t restrain a grin.

Because after this usual routine, Eren will stop to chat a bit, no exceptions made, until his mother starts calling him back home. And even though Levi can’t be sure whether Sunny has taken a liking to him, he can be sure Eren has.

He guesses he’s the first relatively young person Eren has met in the new town, and with schools being closed during summer he probably won’t be making any friends until September comes. The child’s bored, and actually, Eren is ‘too much of a sweety’, as his mother told him just the evening before, not to enjoy his company.

“Levi?” he asks one day.

“Yeah?”

“Did you write that book?” He’s pointing to the copy of If this is a man he’s left lying on the ground.

“What? No, why are you even-” then he stops. Oh. “Wait. Eren, you’re only five, right? You can read?”

“A tiny tiny bit. Mom teached me some words. I asked her to teach me how to write ‘Levi’, too.”

Levi picks up the book, still taken aback. He didn’t expect the little kid to be able to read. Maybe he isn’t a total brat.

“Come here.”

Eren obeys and stands close to the point where Levi is squatting, the book in his hands and the index finger pointing at the author’s name. “See this? You want to try reading this word?”

Eren scrunches his eyebrows, an expression of pure concentration carved in his face. “P-R-I-M-O,” he spells. “Levi, how do you pronounce this word?”

“It’s ‘Primo’. It means ‘First’ in Italian. But there, in Italy, it was also used as a name. So, the author’s name is Primo Levi. See? It’s not me who wrote the book. And actually, in my case Levi is the first name, while in the author’s case it is his surname.”

Eren is still visibly confused. “I said Levi is a weird name, but P-r-i-m-o is even weirder.”

Levi chuckles. “My mom called me Levi because of him. She has at heart the struggle he went through and read his books a dozen times. He was a Jewish man, but I doubt you know what that implied.”

Eren shakes his head.

“Well, you’ll get it when you’re older. I’ll lend you the book then, if you’d like.”

Eren’s eyes -no, his whole face- light up. “Yes! I like!”

Levi stands up from his squatting position and sits more comfortably on his hammock. “Anyway, brat, you did a good job reading it. Well done.”

If possible, he brightens up even more. He looks surprisingly happy.

Then, Eren’s name is yelled loudly and the kid runs back home waving his hands at Levi to greet him goodbye.

*

The next day, Levi is leaning on the fence, not-so-casually waiting for something , and making sure Eren doesn’t see him while kneeling behind the fence, Sunny in his hands, trying to convince him with hushed words to enter Levi’s garden.

Levi rests his forearms on the fence, his head poking out from above, when he says “Hi” all the more casually. Eren’s head jerks up instantly, eyes wide with something looking like terror and lips agape. “Levi! What- why- I-”

Levi bursts out laughing. “Hey,” he manages between a laughter and the other, “Hey, brat. Don’t worry. It’s not like I caught you with your hands deep in the cookie jar. I mean, sort of, but still.”

“Levi, I… I…”

It’s now that Levi notices Eren’s on the verge of tears. He’s pretty sure it is more because of the shock than actual fear. “Eren, hey, calm down. I’m not angry, you know? Come here.”

Eren hesitates a little, his eyes still watery.

“Come on, I’m serious.”

The cat still held tight in his hands and pressed against his chest, Eren goes around the fence and is quickly in front of Levi. He’s not looking up, though.

Levi squats down to be at Eren’s eye level. “Were you sending Sunny to my garden because you wanted to have an excuse to come here?”

Eren nods slightly. Now Levi can see it: he’s visibly embarrassed.

“Look at me, Eren. You don’t need to be embarrassed. I mean it, it’s okay.”

The kid looks up, a calmer expression now.

“But most importantly, you don’t need an excuse, either. You get me? You can come here whenever you like. But warn your mother, otherwise she’ll get worried and will start yelling again.”

Eren laughs wholeheartedly. “Eren, Eren!” he mimics her in a mocking way. Levi smiles, too.

They sit there, on the grass, and Eren shows him how he’s painted Sunny’s nails with his mom’s pink nail polish. He’s done an awful job, what with the barbie-pink drops of product stuck on the black fur nearby the nails, but Eren is totally satisfied and giggles every time he eyes the kitten. Levi must say the contrast between the fur color and the nails one is quite striking.

When Eren goes back, only after Levi has promised him he will let Eren put nail polish on his nails too (they compromised for black), Levi returns to his hanging throne, which peasants will call a hammock. But when he finds Kuchel on it, arms folded, a foot swinging in the air, and a satisfied grin totally dedicated to her son, Levi pretends he doesn’t see her and aims for the house door with his chin high and the fakest royal-indifferent-expression anyone could ever master.

He hears his mother laugh nonetheless

“I won,” she says.

“No you don’t, because I didn’t have any intention of going back on the hammock anyway.”

“Oh, I wasn’t talking about it. I mean, I won this one too, obviously. But also, I was right and you cannot deny it, my dear.”

Levi raises his brow. Honestly, he’s faking it. He perfectly knows what she’s talking about.

“I knew you would have liked him too.” She grins even more. “Now, repeat after me: ‘mom is always right’. There, there: you can do it.”

Levi walks away. No surprise, damn it. He’s taken after her after all.

*

When the same night, right after dinner, the doorbell rings, it’s Carla Jaeger the one waiting behind the closed door, a cake in her hands. Levi stares at her with a blank expression which is undoubtedly hiding a certain confusion.

Miss Jaeger smiles. “You must be Levi. Nice to meet you.”

Levi nods, then he remembers it is usually a good use to answer. “Nice to meet you.”

“Levi? Who’s that?” Kuchel calls from the living room.

“I’m Carla! I’m sorry to disturb you two this late, but I really wished I could talk with Levi.”

Levi raises his left brow. The miss sure has a habit of yelling, but even talking about him to his mother, who’s in the living room, when he himself is right there? Well, okay.

Kuchel makes her appearance from the living room, smiling tenderly. “Hi, Carla! Come, come inside, don’t worry about this grumpy son of mine.”

“Thanks, mom, I love you too,” says Levi. He moves to the side anyway, and lets her enter the house before closing the door. The two women have already entered the kitchen and Levi finds Carla sitting at the table, the cake in the middle, while Kuchel looks for a knife.

“Sit down, Levi; Carla said she wants to talk to you.”

Well no shit, he already knew it somehow.

Levi obeys and takes a seat. His mother cuts slices of cake for everyone. He takes a bite while waiting for the woman to talk. Has he done something wrong? Maybe she noticed Eren was almost crying today before he could reassure him and now she’s mad at him?

Well, it’s not like he cares what she thinks. Really, he doesn't. But he might worry, maybe , if Eren told her something bad and she decided to confront him. Just maybe.

“Well Levi, I just wanted to thank you.”

Levi’s head jerks up in a way that must be awfully similar to the one Eren had this same afternoon, when Levi had found him out. No teary eyes and no stuttering though, thank you a lot.

“Eren had to leave all his friends behind, and he doesn’t know anyone yet. However, he seems to like you a lot and he’s really enjoying spending time with you. But I’ve been your age too, and I recognize that it’s possible you’d rather do something else instead. So, whenever you can’t bear babysitting the kid anymore, feel free to send him home without feeling guilty. Okay?”

Levi cleans his lips from the crumbles with a hand, a deep frown drawing his eyebrows together. “He doesn’t bother me.”

He doesn’t add anything. Eren doesn’t bother him and he finds the moments spent together to be enjoyable too. It’s a good distraction when Erwin and Zoe are both out of town. Other than fighting for a hammock with his mother, no need to say it.

Carla smiles.

“He seems to be a bit icy, but deep down he’s actually kind-hearted,” her mom whispers to Carla, paying absolute attention to be clearly heard by Levi. He cuts himself another slice of cake. “You see,” she adds, “He even has a sweet tooth.”

From then on, Eren comes every morning, and then every afternoon, and when his parents are busy with work and the sorts he babysits him.

And Eren’s never, not a single time, a bother.

Day after day: age six and sixteen

“Eren, focus.”

“But Levi-”

“Don't but Levi me. Just focus, so you can finish your homework sooner and we can go eat ice cream.”

Eren sighs, his eyes low on the open pages of his holiday homework. He’s pouting. “It’s not fair if you buy me with ice cream. You know I can’t resist it.”

Levi grins. “That’s why I do it, brat.”

Eren grabs the pencil and begins scribbling. Levi can say he’s not paying any attention to what he’s doing in a matter of seconds.

He’s been looking after the boy since the holidays began, about a month ago, and every afternoon, when the most hated moment of homework comes, the same routine happens. Eren is smart. Levi could already tell so a year ago, and will confirm it now. So, the problem isn’t the capability of doing the exercises, but rather the will of doing them. Levi can’t blame him though: it is fucking hot, and he is six years old. 

“Come on,” he says with a sigh, “Let’s go eat ice cream.”

He knows Carla won’t be happy when Levi will tell her Eren hasn’t finished his daily dose of homework, but you know what? Who cares. The boy is smiling happily and that’s enough.

“Why did you change your mind?” Eren asks. It’s not like he minds, honestly, but he’s curious. Levi suspects he’s trying to collect information to be able to make use of it in the future, when trying to get some ice cream instead of some homework. The kid’s smart, after all. But Levi likes that. He smiles.

“Ice cream will make you happier than homework, am I right?”

“Yup. But you and mama always say homework is important for my future.”

“Yeah, but in the end you also need a good time and pleasant memories. Now, you want your ice cream or not?”

Eren is up and wearing his shoes at the speed of light.

There is an ice cream shop down the road, but it’s not that good. Eren and Levi agreed the one a little farther, next to Eren’s now-closed school, is much better (to die for, says the brat every time he tastes his cone, regularly ending up with melted ice cream painting his whole face artistically) and walking ten minutes more is actually worth it. Usually, during the year, when Levi picks Eren up from school, he takes him there and they eat their usual flavors together before coming back home -Levi’s home.

For Levi, it is pistachio and fiordilatte, while Eren prefers chocolate-mint and stracciatella. his stained t-shirts know it all too well.

They’re about to cross the road to get to the shop, Levi’s hand stretched towards Eren.

“I don’t need you to hold my hand, I’m all grown up now.”

“No, you are not. And then, what does it mean? You don’t love me enough anymore to hold my hand when crossing the road? I’m hurt, really.”

Eren giggles and holds his hand.

The cashier, a girl called Amanda, bends over the counter and looks at Eren with fun written all over her face. “You ready, Eren?”

Eren nods.

“One cone worth 1.70 dollars and one worth 2.40 dollars, plus two waffles which are 30 cents each. And a coke, another 1.90 dollars. I’ll give you another five seconds. Four… Three… Two…”

“It’s 6.60 dollars.”

Amanda laughs gleefully. “I love it! Great, the waffles are on the house.”

Levi is handing the cashier the money when tiny fingers grab his wrist and pull his arm down. “No, don't do it!” screams Eren. “Mom made me promise I’d pay for me and you today, ‘cause you always help us so we need to thank you somehow. That’s what she said, but I forgot up till now.”

“Nah, no need brat, really.”

“Please? Or my mom will never stop bugging me about it!”

Levi raises his hands. “I give up. Okay, please do.”

Eren rummages in his jeans pockets and finds a handful of coins, then he hands them to the girl behind the counter. “Thank you Eren,” she says. “He’s lively as always, I see.” This one is directed to Levi, a bit of sympathy in her words. Amanda has witnessed the boy's excess of energy all year long, after all.

Levi smiles back. “Had no doubt about it. Have a good afternoon.”

“You too, boys.”

They sit on the bench outside. Eren’s ice cream is already melting and making his fingers sticky. Oh, Carla will be so, so happy when washing his t-shirt tonight…

“Hey brat.”

“Mh?”

“You know you don’t need to thank me, right?”

Eren smiles. “I know. Mom insisted though.”

“Good.”

God, Eren is right. This ice cream really is to die for.

“Levi, would you like having a younger brother?”

Levi turns his head to watch him, but Eren’s averting his gaze. “I don’t know, why are you asking?”

“I don’t know.” He cleans his mouth with the back of his free hand. “You’d be a good older brother, I think.”

Oh, so that’s what this is about, then.

“I suppose. But you know, I already have a little kid bugging me all day, so I wouldn’t need another one.”

Eren turns towards him, literal sparkles in his eyes. Still, “I’m no little kid,” he replies.

“Yeah, yeah. Now try eating your ice cream without doing a greater mess, will you?”

Eren lowers his eyes and seems to notice just now that he’s done a mess worth a good twenty minutes of yelling from his mother. “Oh no! Why does it always happen?”

Levi hides a smug grin. “Because you are a little kid.”

A December night: age thirteen and twenty-three

Eren is attending his last year of middle school -he’s already halfway through it, actually. It’s December now, only four days are left for the Christmas holidays to begin, and the brat is freaking out: this being his last year, his class is going to perform a play in front of the other classes and their families. It’s not like Eren has a big role or something, he’s just anxious about having to show up in front of such a number of people. Which, actually, isn’t much: the school spaces are small and the public will only consist of close family members. Hence, Levi won’t be able to witness it.

He doesn’t mind though.

Okay, if he has to be honest maybe he does mind a bit. Still, he isn’t upset.

It’s just that Eren has been talking a lot about it, venting about his anxieties and his fears and the effort of learning his few lines. And Levi has helped him. Obviously he has, it’s Eren we are talking about after all, and Levi is always there for him. He always has been. He was there when the kid made a fuss about not wanting to study for his tests, or when he cried because his classmate Jean Kirschtein had called him names in front of everyone, and he was there when he was grounded by Carla for not tidying his room and she refused to feed him pizza -as they used to do every Saturday night, for dinner- and Levi bought the ingredients to try and make some together (spoiler: it came out pretty terrible, since the dough hadn’t risen as well as it should have had).

But he’s been there during the hard times, too, like when his father disappeared without any notice, all his things suddenly gone and a house left slightly more empty. Or when his mother had to start working many more hours per day and Eren would have been home alone; even when he knocked at his window at 2 a.m. crying because he was feeling alone and needed a hug his mother couldn’t give him because he didn’t want to burden her with his pain, too.

So, this play is sort of a big thing, because it is one of the many signs Eren is growing up. And Levi is so undeniably happy about who he’s growing up to be.

“Levi, are you listening?”

Levi startles. “What?”

“Ugh, nothing. We can stop now.” Eren closes his folder with the copy of the script and sits down on the couch next to Levi, his head bumping dramatically on the backrest.

“I think you’re doing good. You know you’re doing good.”

“Let’s just, not talk about it. It’s making it worse.”

Levi sighs and leans his head next to Eren’s one, slightly turned so he is facing the other one. Eren turns his head too, and stares at Levi with a grimace born from frustration, annoyance and worries. Lots of worries. Levi grins and sticks his tongue out. Eren’s lips twitch in a poor attempt of maintaining his grumpy face intact and not laughing. But then, Levi also crosses his eyes and Eren gives up, his face lighting up and his lips finally morphing in a toothy smile. Levi chuckles a little too, relieved.

“Do you have any intention of telling me the reason why you’re so worried?”

Eren stands up. “I need to go pee.”

“Eren.”

“What?”

“Are you telling me or…?”

Eren sighs and sits back down. “You know it already. Lots of people. Yeah.”

“I don’t think that’s it. I think there is something you’re not telling me.”

“That’s not-”

“If you tell me I’m buying you ice cream. Three flavors and whipped cream on top.”

Eren looks at him with a look of betrayal so dramatically sculpted in his face that Levi thinks he shouldn't be worried about his upcoming performance at all: he’s a great actor when he needs to be.

“That’s not fair and you know it!”

“I do know it, and that's exactly the reason why I’m doing it.”

“Three flavors, whipped cream, and chocolate chips.”

“What?” Levi fakes indignation. “No chocolate chips brat, don’t be greedy.”

Eren grins, acting smug. “I guess I’ll just say nothing then…”

“Chocolate chips it is. Sneaky brat, you’re the worst nightmare of my wallet. Hope you know it.”

“I won’t be able to sleep now that I know and carry such a burden.”

The thing is, Levi’s happy to pay for chocolate chips, too. Seeing Eren this relaxed is worth it.

“So? Do you want that ice cream or not?”

“Sure I do! Come on Levi, move your old self and-”

“Nope. You need to pay beforehand.”

Eren slouches down and turns the other way. Levi raises an eyebrow but awaits silently.

“It’s just that,” he says eventually, “I don’t want to embarrass myself.”

He doesn’t add anything, so Levi decides to speak. “You know what? Who cares, you won’t see most of those people anymore after school ends. And, I’m sure you will be amazing. You’re already doing amazing and the play is in four days. You’ll be super amazing by then.”

Eren whines and covers his face with both his hands, his elbows resting on his knees. He looks desperate and Levi is honestly taken aback. How is it he seems to be feeling worse rather than better?

“This is one of the extremely rare times you’re complimenting me this openly and that just makes it all worse!”

Levi says nothing. He doesn’t know what to say anymore. He just watches as Eren puts his hands down and looks at him, his cheeks red and his eyes a green mess of emotions.

“It makes it all worse, because you have such big expectations from me and I’m afraid I’ll let you down, but at the same time I’d like you to come and watch me but ugh- I don’t know! I really want you to be there but it also makes me so, so anxious!”

Levi is frozen. He had imagined many possibilities, but not this. Never this. “You want me to be there?”

“Yeah…” he says, and it’s just a whisper.

“You know only family is going to attend the play, Eren.”

“But you are. Family, I mean.”

He says it with such simplicity and such honesty depicted in every inch of his face that it can’t be anything but the truth.

“Also, for obvious reasons my father won’t be there, but that doesn’t mean I have to give away one of my reserved seats, does it?”

Levi stands up and fetches his wallet, puts it in his back pocket and aims for the door. “Hey brat, do you want your ice cream or am I eating it instead?”

Eren is up in a fraction of a second. “What? No, it’s mine, you promised!”

“Mh. Sadly, I did.”

They walk in silence, Levi on the side of the sidewalk closest to the street, and Eren safe and sound in the inner part -as always. With the corner of his eye, Levi can see Eren’s head is elsewhere, but doesn’t say anything. Sometimes it’s just better to wait for him to speak up when he’s comfortable enough to do so. And, eventually, he is when they reach the ice cream shop, because Eren tugs his sleeve and mutters: “So, are you coming?”

And Levi nods.

Obviously, he’s coming. And he’s so very happy right now. Because they’re family, and Eren was anxious about asking him to come and about performing in front of him, and then again, they’re family . And his heart is feeling as warm as when Eren implied Levi was some kind of brother-figure, years ago.

“I’m coming. I want to see how you’ll embarrass yourself, and I’ll film it all.”

Eren snorts, but Levi can clearly see the corner of his mouth twitch in an attempt to hide an amused smile.

They chat with Amanda while Eren eats his monster of an ice cream, and obviously he ends up staining his t-shirt. Levi just sighs.

*

The play sucks, Eren only plays a minor role for a matter of minutes, and Levi Already knows every single line, given the times he’s helped Eren repeating. But he has fun. Unfortunately, Eren doesn’t embarrass himself but Levi has every second recorded nonetheless. Carla sits right next to him, a fond smile carved on her round face for the whole length of the play.

“Thank you for coming today, Levi. Eren cared about it.”

“It’s nothing. I was also happy I could come.”

Carla smiles at him and nods. “Yeah,” she says. “How is Kuchel?”

Levi inhales sharply.

“I’m sorry. It’s not the right moment to ask. Forget about it, dear.”

“No, it’s okay. I know you’re all worried. I visited her earlier today, they said she’s not getting any better. She said she knows her time is coming and is not scared.”

Carla is watching her own hands. When she looks up, her eyes are wet. “I’d like to visit her one of these days. It’s already been two weeks since I last went. Do you think she’d prefer me not to? If she’s not feeling well, that’s it.”

He knows what she’s thinking. His mother is dying, she has been for four years, some periods better than others, some worst. Tumors are monsters, they eat you from the inside. She didn’t like to be seen during her lowest moments, and that’s why Carla is asking. But, right now there are no moments other than low ones, and there won’t be anymore apparently.

“She’d love it.”

Carla nods and blinks her tears away. She caresses Levi’s cheek lovingly but says nothing, then she turns back towards the stage to watch the rest of the play.

When it ends, the parents and teachers all crowd under the stage for the last greetings while waiting for their children to change clothes and be ready to go home. Carla goes, too, but not before grabbing Levi from his shoulder (he’s even shorter than her, dammit, and it’s only a matter of time for Eren to grow taller than both of them, too) and dragging him with her.

They walk through the people and Levi recognizes quite a lot of Eren’s school mates.

Carla is talking to a teacher when Eren comes back. He is with Armin and Mikasa, and they stop in front of him. Eren eyes his mother, who is still chatting, and once again dedicates his attention to Levi. “Was it good?”

Levi raises the arm that’s still holding the camera. “See it yourself.”

“You know, Levi, you really are a bastar-”

“What a nice thing to do!” Armin interrupts him midway, a warning stare in his eyes.

He knows the two kids quite well. Mikasa lived at Eren’s home for some months, when they were both eight and Mikasa had been given in custody to many different families. They grew fond of the quiet girl, but they couldn’t keep her due to Carla being always busy and the house being small. She didn’t move far, though. She was adopted by Armin’s grandfather, who also brought up Armin, and the three of them have been inseparable since then. Levi happens to bring them to eat ice cream too, sometimes.

Levi grins. “See, Eren? Armin is nice and grateful. How comes you aren’t?”

“Because I know you better, and your politeness is fake!”

He’s laughing. Levi grins lightly too. Just a bit, the right corner of his mouth lifting imperceptibly; Eren can see his grin because it is true: he knows him.

“Hi, Armin. Mikasa.”

“Hi, Levi. Thank you for, well, enduring the show,” answers Armin. Mikasa nods towards him. She played a tree, but Levi is pretty sure she was the one who asked for it.

They go home soon after, Carla driving and Levi and Eren in the backseats. The radio is playing ‘Last Friday night’ by Katy Perry and Eren is singing along wholeheartedly. The lights of the town reflect on the glass of the windows and Carla is giggling. He feels happy.

They arrive at home and Carla goes inside because “It’s too cold and I’m not young enough” and “you should come in too, Eren because it’s already late”, but Eren stays a little bit more because he wants to finish telling Levi how much he loves the fact that Katy Perry wears unpaired shoes in the video of the song.

“Anyway, well, thank you,” he says eventually.

“Nah.” Levi raises a hand to stop him before he can speak any word. “I was very happy I could come, Eren.”

Eren smiles, all teeth and dimples. “You were?”

“Mh. Seeing you so happy and satisfied makes me regret telling you, though.” It’s the contrary, actually, but Levi will never admit it out loud if not under severe torture.

“It’ll snow tomorrow.”

“Will it?”

“Yeah. The forecast said so. My mom’s back pain too, apparently.”

Eren brings his own hands to his mouth and blows warm air into them. It actually is cold, and it also is quite late. “So, Levi?”

Levi knows what he’s referring to: it’s being a tradition for almost ten years now. He would be a fool, didn’t he know. “We’ll build the most fucking awesome snowman on the street, dammit. Mark my words.”

The first years, maybe until Eren was eight or nine, their snowman had been the normal ones. You know, the classic ball on ball with a scarf and a carrot nose. Then, once, the neighbor living in front of them had put on a lot of decorations with Christmas lights spelling kind words of happiness and friendship… and they had , they just had to build a snowman who actively stabbed another snowman in the chest with a stick (the dismembered arm of the now-dead snowman to the focused observant). They still can’t decide who had the best reaction: the neighbors who came complaining about it in a state of panic and distress; Carla, mortified and with the words ‘please bury me now’ engraved in her face; or Kuchel, who was putting an enormous lot of effort in keeping herself from laughing uncontrollably.

Then the anatomically correct snowman followed, and the army of zombie ones the year it had snowed a lot . Not to mention the gangster snowman smoking a cig and wearing Eren’s father’s jackets he had left behind. His favorite jacket was given to the dead man though, sprawled facedown on the ground with his back splattered with ketchup, the boss observing from a distance the actions of his lackey (a neon water pistol as a gun).

There had been more, but these were the most remarkable ones -which means, the ones which had provoked the best reaction out of the neighborhood.

Eren laughs. “Hell yes. It’ll be amazing.”

A moment of hard study: age seventeen and twenty-seven

Levi pushes Petra away when she once again tries to kiss him. “Petra, stop it. I told you you have to go home now. I’m busy.”

She frowns, not a cute face but more of a pained one.

It’s always like this. It’s not like he does it on purpose but, every single time, every single relationship, he ends up failing everyone’s expectations. He’s doing it now, too. He can clearly see it in Petra’s eyes. He doesn’t know what he’s doing wrong, he gets what they do think is wrong though. And it makes him so fucking frustrated, because it isn’t something he’ll ever acknowledge as wrong and he won’t in any way change his behavior. It’s not his fault, after all, if these people get angry and hurt because Levi places his dear ones first.

He quite likes Petra, and he fancied the ones before, too, but they’ve been dating for something like two months, while his loved ones have been there in good and bad days, for years. For all or most of his life.

“Is he really more important?”

“Who?”

“That boy. Is he really more important than me?” She’s not looking at him, her eyes low and studying her own shoes instead.

“It’s not like you’re not important. I wouldn’t keep going out with you if I didn’t think you were somehow important. It’s just-”

“But you’re sending me away now. Not for the first time.”

Levi ignores her remark. “-it’s just that I made a commitment to help him. I promised both him and Carla I would have helped.”

Petra finally returns his look. She is smiling, but it doesn’t radiate happiness at all. “It’s okay.”

“I’m glad you und-”

“No. Please, just give me one more minute.” She takes his hands in her owns and smiles again the way she did before. Levi knows what’s coming. It’s not the first time it happens, not the last probably. Still, for a second he’s allowed himself to believe she would get him. She doesn’t.

“You don’t need to say it.” He brushes her hands away and steps back. “Okay.”

“I don’t want you to-”

“It’s okay I said.”

She shuts up, and that stupid smile leaves her lips eventually. Petra picks up her bag and heads towards the door. She turns back and opens her mouth to say something but she is interrupted by the door springing open and jumps a little, a hand on her chest. Levi’s relieved, honestly.

“Levi, can we- oh. Hi, Petra.”

Petra looks at Levi one last time, her lips reduced to a thin line and her eyebrows meeting in the middle. Her whole expression seems to tell him ‘See?’

Then she nudges Eren away from the doorway and steps away. Eren looks at her for brief seconds, then shrugs and closes the door. “A bad day?”

Levi drops on the sofa. “Let’s say so. The last one, anyway.”

Eren approaches him and sits next to him on the sofa. The cushion flattens under his weight. He’s grown a lot in the last year, and now he’s fucking tall. Like, really tall, while Levi is shorter than average and, well, it’s frustrating sometimes. “Did you dump her?”

“Heh. She dumped me.”

“Again?!”

Levi sighs and raises the chin to the ceiling, his face in his hands. “Well thank you, Mr. Tactless.”

Eren shifts a little. “‘m sorry. It’s just- wasn’t it like that with the guy before, too?”

“Which one? The one who lasted two weeks or the guy who lasted two days ? Or maybe the girl before Petra, who lasted the amazing amount of three weeks?”

Eren chuckles. “Mh,” he says. Nothing more.

Makes sense.

After some minutes of silence, it’s Levi who speaks again. “It’s nothing. I wasn’t really attached to any of them. I mean, I didn’t even have the time to. Still, I don’t get why that keeps happening.”

“Me neither,” he mumbles.

“What?”

“Nothing.” Eren stands up and grabs Levi’s hand to help and lift him up. “Let’s go. There is homework to do, sadly.”

“Fucking giant,” he mumbles while getting on his feet.

“I heard that,” Eren says. He’s laughing.

“Trust me, it was intentional.”

Levi sits at the table while Eren retrieves his backpack and then sits next to him. “Shall we start with math or physics?”

“What do you have to do for both of them?”

Eren takes out his diary and checks the homework. “I need help with a demonstration of derivatives and then there are some exercises. Physics: exercises with RL circuits.”

“Mhph. Let’s start with physics.”

It’s been four months since Levi’s started tutoring Eren. The boy had knocked at his door and asked for help. Levi was quite astonished. Eren has always been smart, and things like math and physics had never been a problem. Carla had never said anything about Eren having some problems at school, either. But then Eren had added, looking troubled: “Pease, don’t tell my mom. I didn’t tell her. I don’t want her to worry.”

Eren was chewing his bottom lip, the way he always does when he’s upset. Levi has never been able, not once, to resist him. Also, they’ve been spending less and less time together lately, what with school and work and acquaintances. He’d welcome an occasion to spend some simple time together, the way they did when Eren was seven and didn’t want to do his homework.

Tutoring Eren is easy. Levi just needs to guide him through the first steps, then he goes on by himself with no problem.

They’re lucky Levi has always loved these subjects, too. He would have loved to study physics, but then Kuchel had fallen ill when he was twenty, and died three years prior. Levi hadn’t had the time to attend university. He needed to work, and spent his free time at the hospital. When she wasn’t recovered, he needed to be there for her, to keep an eye on her and be sure she didn’t have a sudden decline.

He had been lucky Erwin had helped him find a job in a technology shop, and Hange had been there to cheer him up as possible. He had been lucky to have Eren and Carla next to him, setting their table for three instead of two.

And, he likes tutoring Eren. He likes spending more time with him, and the loud vivacity he brings in his now too empty, too quiet house.

When they’re done they play videogames together and eat chips on the couch. It’s easy. Levi’s used to live alone, now, but he knows he’ll never be alone. He doesn’t need to talk about anything when he’s with Eren, doesn’t need to do anything. He finds comfort in his presence, in the warmth of family.

Eren asks Levi if he’d like to have dinner with him and Carla, but Levi says he’s tired and prefers to stay home tonight. Eren nods and walks home.

The doorbell rings half an hour after. Levi opens the door but there is no one outside. There’s a bag, though, and Levi picks it up to look what’s inside. There’s ice cream, Nutella, cookies, and a note.

“Cheer up. Mom says not to eat everything tonight, though, or you’ll get a stomachache. I say eating everything is legit after being dumped. Come eat with us tomorrow evening. We’ll have pizza.”

Levi smiles lovingly. He’s grateful. Also, he had totally forgotten about being dumped, but he might eat all the ice cream still. Well, he does. It tastes like love.

*

The call arrives a Thursday morning at 11 am. Levi immediately knows something’s not right: Eren never calls in the morning, since he’s at school. He doesn’t ever call, precisely -what’s the need when they live next door and one can simply ring the bell whenever it’s too much of an emergency for a text?

He stares at the screen for a few confused seconds before answering. His colleague walks by and mutters: “Grumpy Cat”.

“Eren?”

The boy on the other side of the call doesn’t say anything. He’s breathing heavily, and Levi can hear him panting.

“Eren,” he says again, this time firm and trying to contain his growing worry.

Eren answers, this time. “Levi,” he says, his voice small and scared. “Levi, could you come here?”

“Where are you?”

“School.”

“I’m coming. Just wait a minute, I’m coming.” He hangs up and goes to the personnel’s room to grab his keys and wallet. “I’m going out. It’s an emergency, I can’t wait a minute more.” He doesn’t wait for a response from the colleagues in the room and runs out.

He doesn’t care if they’re going to scold him afterward, or even fire him, he doesn’t care at all. As for now, the only thing that matters is finding Eren. Just finding him, he doesn’t even care about what made him upset in the first place, because whatever it is Levi can only think about how he’s last heard Eren being this down when his father left.

The school is quite close and Levi drives fast: it takes merely ten minutes for him to be at the entrance of the building. Eren is sitting on a chair there. His eyes flick sideward when the door opens but he doesn’t turn his head, which is still facing the floor. Levi ignores the lady at the entrance and walks to Eren, kneels in front of him and places his hands on Eren’s knees. Eren bends his head some more, and although Levi can’t see his face he can hear the sniffling sounds: he’s crying, some occasional hiccups suggesting that he’s trying to hold the tears in. Eren places his own hands on Levi’s, but they’re closed in fists with such strength they’re surely leaving nail-marks on his palms.

Levi slips his hands away from under Eren’s and covers them instead, his thumbs caressing him in a soothing motion. He can feel his muscles relax a little and after a minute or so Eren straightens his fingers, his breath now more regular too.

Another three minutes pass, and that’s when Eren finally lifts his head and meets Levi’s eyes. And Levi can finally see his bruised face, his black eye and broken lip. He’s got blood smeared on his chin and some crusted under his swollen nose. Levi holds his hands forcefully and takes a deep breath. He’s feral, but now is not the time to lash out.

Instead, he stands up and heads to the lady he had ignored before. “Let me sign the documents, I’m bringing him home.”

The lady, an old woman with grey hair and square glasses, seems almost bored, but when she intercepts the angry tone in his voice she says nothing and quickly gets the papers. Levi signs the permit, but then she adds: “The principal wants to meet the parents.”

Levi leans on the booth she’s sitting in and frowns. “Why?”

“Violence isn’t accepted in this school.”

He lets out an annoyed huff. “Have you seen him? I don’t fucking think he initiated it. I’m talking to him and then I’ll decide if I need to talk to the principal or not. Goodbye.” He turns toward Eren, who’s now cracking a bit of a smile. “Let’s go, Eren.”

They keep silent the whole drive home, but when Levi comes out of the car and doesn’t head toward his own door, Eren speaks up in a rush. “Not my home! Please… Please not my home. Not yet.”

Levi nods and they settle for his home. They head for the bathroom, Eren sits on the closed loo and Levi tends to his bruises. He takes a clean cloth and wipes the blood away with methodical gestures, gentle but efficient. He disinfects the cuts and applies a pomade on the bruises. Then he disappears into the kitchen and comes back soon after with a bag of frozen peas. “I don’t have any icepacks.”

He wraps the bag into a towel and holds it lightly onto his eye and nose. He still hasn’t mentioned what might have happened.

“Aren’t you curious to know?” Eren asks. Levi is still standing between his legs, the peas bag in his hands.

“I am. But before that, we’re going to make some tea. Hold the peas.”

Eren does, and Levi walks away. This time, Eren follows him into the living room and sits on the couch while Levi prepares the tea. He comes back with two cups and sits next to him.

He looks at Eren, clearly expecting him to say something, but doesn’t push him to talk. Eventually, Eren takes a sip of tea, leaves the cup on the coffee table, and leans back. His hands are cupping his face for a few seconds, but then he lowers them and fixes his eyes toward the ceiling. “I think I should begin with this. So.” He takes another breath and lets it out with a sigh. “I didn’t want to do it like this. It’s not that I didn’t want to tell you. It’s just that, I’m just now figuring it out and I wanted to be sure and- okay. The thing is. I’m gay.” He finally turns toward Levi, his face crooked, his teeth chewing on his bottom lip. “Please say something,” he adds, and Levi realizes he’s kept quiet a bit too long. The thing is, he’s thinking. Not about Eren being gay -he couldn’t give two shits about it, he himself isn’t straight and they both know it- but about the implications of this revelation. Because apparently, it has something to do with Eren being in the state he is.

“Did someone hit you because you’re gay?”

The boy giggles, but it doesn’t hold any joy. “It turns out other guys knew I’m gay before even I figured it out. They’ve been tormenting me about it for quite some time. But, when they called me a fag today I told them, ‘What if I am? You’re just jealous I have the courage to admit it.’” Levi snorts, and Eren goes on. “I’m glad you like it. They did not.”

Levi ruffles Eren’s hair. “Tomorrow I’ll take you to school and I’ll tell the principal he can go fuck himself. Did these shitheads get a suspension at least?”

“...no. The principal said it is my responsibility too, because I didn’t -and I quote- react diplomatically.”

“Well then, I’m gonna throw hands too.”

Eren laughs, this time less bitterness than before. “You know, I wasn’t crying because I’m sad. I was crying because I’m frustrated. And angry. I’m so fucking angry, Levi.”

“I know.”

“I don’t get why- why can’t I just live ? Why do I need to keep up to someone else’s expectations? Why do I have to hate a part of me and be afraid of it?”

“I know.” Levi stares at him until eventually Eren turns toward him and meets his eyes. “I know, but there’s much more than this, Eren. There is fear, and rejection, self-hate and hate for others, but that’s not all. There is love. Self-love. And self-confidence, and the amazing feeling you can only feel when you’re finally wearing your skin, finally showing the others what you see and what you’d like the world to see you as.”

“Was it easy for you?”

“Tsk. It’s never easy. I thought I was wrong because I liked people regardless of gender. And I was confused as hell. And thought that I needed to sort me out and possibly settle on being straight, but even being gay would have been easier than not understanding what I was, how I worked.”

“And what changed?”

“Mh?”

“What made you change those thoughts? I mean, there’s a pride flag hanging on the wall of your bedroom and you have no problem talking about your partners so, what changed?”

Levi has to think about it. He’s never really analyzed himself before, but he has no problem finding an answer. “I changed. I grew up and matured, learned to love myself and therefore accepted my love for others. Also, knowing many people from the LGBTQ+ community helped as hell.”

Eren nods. “Can I ask you something? You don’t have to answer.”

“Whatever.”

“How did you tell Kuchel?”

Oh, that’s why you didn’t want to go home , he thinks. Well, obviously he hasn’t told her yet, judging from his words, and he’s afraid of what she might tell. His schoolmates’ violent reaction mustn’t have helped. Like, at all.

“We were drinking tea.”

Eren laughs. “Of course. I’m sure tea runs in your family’s veins instead of blood.”

Levi grins too. “It went well though. You might try with tea, too.”

“Sure, sure. So?”

“We were drinking tea, and I simply told her. ‘Mom, I like guys too.’ And she said she was glad I told her, because that meant I trusted her.”

 Eren leans onto Levi. “I miss her,” he says. Levi places his hand back in Eren’s hair. “Me too,” he says. “You know, Eren, I can’t promise you it’ll be fine with your mom. But I’ve known Carla for long enough to trust her.”

They stay like this for some time, sipping on their teas. It’s nice, simple and familiar.

Then Eren’s phone rings a couple of times. He takes it out of his jeans pocket and stares at the screen with wide eyes.

“Do I have to kick some asses?” Levi asks. But Eren cracks a laugh and Levi thinks tears are forming at the corners of his eyes. “There’s no need: Mikasa did it. It’s Armin,” he explains. “He says Mikasa waited for today’s lessons to end and cornered the fuckers in an alley close to school. She destroyed them and Armin says they’ll shit their pants before even thinking about telling the principal about it.” He looks at Levi and smiles. “I really do have the best friends in the world. You included. I love you all.”

Levi smiles, too. He’s always liked Mikasa.

Eren puts his phone away and returns being serious. “When I go back home, I’ll have to tell mom. I can’t hide,” he gestures to his face, “ this .”

“Do you want me to come with you?”

Eren shakes his head, his soft hair strands going left and right, all messed up. “No. No, I need to be alone with her. But, can I come here if she doesn’t take it well?”

“Of course you can.”

Eren stands up, ready to go back, but Levi grabs his hand and pulls him down, back on the sofa. “There is one last thing you need to tell me. Does all this shit have to do with you needing tutoring, too?”

Eren sighs. Levi’s heard him sigh a lot, today. “Kinda. I had some minor problems following in class. But, it wasn’t anything big, and it was okay after like, two weeks of you helping me.”

Levi frowns. Again, he’s been frowning a lot today, too. “But it’s already been something like, four months?”

Eren suddenly looks embarrassed, his expression resembling the one he had when he was five and Levi had caught him sneaking Sunny into his garden. “I… I just- I just really liked spending more time together. Because we couldn’t spend as much time together the last year. I missed it. But I really love being with you. I always have.”

It clicks. How hadn’t he caught the clues? It was obvious, but he’s a fucking idiot, for fuck’s sake. Eren has always been some kind of a genius in these subjects, since he was six and Amanda challenged him to calculate the count in a matter of seconds. He was able to solve the exercises in a heartbeat, and… And he’d purposely asked him to help him with math and physics because he wanted Levi to notice. Of course. What’s more, Levi enjoys their weekly afternoons together and he did miss them too, and wouldn’t give them up again, now.

“It’s okay. I missed it too. Now, come again and you can study while I clean up, or we can just do nothing together. As always.”

Eren makes a serious face, and Levi is almost scared he’s said something wrong. “Levi.”

“Mh?”

“This house is already totally clean. There isn’t a speck of dust. What the hell would you want to clean up? Do I have to worry about your sanity?”

Levi huffs. He’d fallen for his serious face, now beaming while he chuckles. “Go home, little fucker. And cuddle Sunny for me.”

“Will do.”

Eren gathers his things and quickly heads home. Levi’s anxious too, but all his worries fade away when he gets Eren’s text. ‘It went super amazing. She said everything that makes me happy is what she wishes for me. I am so lucky. Sleep well.’

Yeah, he’s lucky. They both are. And Levi will always be grateful for that.

A special birthday: age nineteen and twenty-nine

He’s started noticing it some months prior, the way Eren’s hair is a constant mess but always seems so soft. And the way his tanned skin makes his green eyes shine like gems, or how his legs are long and muscled. He doesn’t like noticing those things, but he can’t unsee them. And right now, while Eren’s drinking a beer -the third one, maybe- directly from the bottle, Levi can’t not-notice his plump, wet lips and hates himself for it.

It’s Eren’s birthday, and Carla’s staying at her cousin’s tonight because the birthday-boy asked her to host a party, and she loves him so much she agreed. Levi thinks she’s been very stupid, not to say naive. Because, this house is never going back to the way it was before. He gets shivers running down his spine at the mere thought of something like, fifty stinky teenagers splattering beer and- body fluids on the floor and too likely on any other surface they can lean on. Eren isn’t helping. Which means, he’s very much helping, but not keeping things in order: quite the contrary indeed. Beer spills from the bottle every time he moves around and brings then brings it back to his lips, and some drops run down his chin and his neck and end up staining his white shirt. Yes. Another white shirt gone to shit. But, that’s Eren for you.

The boy -young man, to be correct, because Levi must admit he’s grown up and is now a mature guy, when he’s not purposely letting go the way he’s doing now- is currently dancing in the middle of the living room, the almost empty bottle still in his right hand. The couch is occupied by Armin and some other boy he doesn’t recall the name of, but the blond boy seems to have quite an interest in him and the other looks pretty happy about it. Who would have thought? The always collected Armin is having quite the fun tonight.

Mikasa is standing in front of the fireplace, a fond smile slightly curving her lips and eyes fixed on her friends. A girl is standing next to her, she’s blonde and short, and even though they’re not talking they seem comfortable, enjoying each other’s presence.

The house is full of people, some dancing the way Eren is, numb from the beer and hips moving sloppily at the rhythm of the music. Others seem to be lucid still, but their moves don’t look any better. A boy with shaved hair is doing a weird choreography with a girl who’s holding a sandwich in a hand and chips in the other, which keep falling right and left.

Poor, poor Carla.

They all seem to be having fun, though. He’s glad. Levi sips from his beer too and leans back on the wall. It feels strange, being with all these people. He’s never had this many friends, he’s never really enjoyed parties like this. Still, he’s attended many: Hange doesn’t accept a no as an answer. This time he’s not thinking about going home as soon as possible, though. He’s happy everyone’s having fun, that Eren is having fun, and that’s enough.

As if summoned by his thoughts, Eren opens his eyes for the first time in a while, but he’s still swaying when he looks for Levi’s ones in the crowd and finds them, and oh he smirks and drinks once again while still staring. Levi hates himself, but maybe he’s had a bit too much to drink too. Eren slowly walks toward him, not breaking the eye-contact, and Levi doesn’t move at all. He doesn’t even dare to breathe when he arrives in front of him.

He’s changed so much, since that day a couple of years before. He’s become confident, open, as a storm determined to go forward, again and again, unstoppable and unbreakable. He’s the wind shattering the windows of quiet houses. Levi has long since realized he’s shattered his windows too, long ago. He’s been alone, and then he’s understood he’d never actually been. Eren has become family, and has filled the hole in his chest when his mother died. And that, too, is the reason why he loathes himself when he finds himself staring at the approaching guy in something close to adoration.

Eren leans on the wall the same way Levi is doing, their shoulders touching, and his head turned to look at Levi. “Thank you,” he says.

“For what?”

“For coming, I guess.”

Levi doesn’t add anything, but he can’t turn his head toward the room, incapable of tearing his eyes away from Eren’s face. He’s glowing, literally: one of his chaotic friends must have spread glitter on his face, his neck, his collarbones. His eyes are glassy and his lips are curved in a soft smile, his front teeth showing a little bit. “I’m happy,” he tells Levi. And Levi is too, but he also is very much drunk and the thing is getting on his nerves. He’d like to be in the right state of mind, not to think about those lips on his and those shining eyes fixed on him for the whole night. Because, it’s true that he’s started noticing Eren more recently, but he’s always controlled himself not to think about stupid things, not to do anything stupid. Not to be an enormous idiot and ruin everything, because he’s hating himself enough now, just thinking about it, and doesn’t need to add to it.

The fact that Eren is almost every day at his house doesn’t help, really. The fact that Eren has gotten used to leaving small teats in front of his door when they can’t meet doesn’t, either. And surely, it doesn’t help that the brat has gotten more and more touchy as he’s grown more confident. And he hates himself more and more.

“Hey, why don’t we play Truth or Dare?”

Levi finally breaks the eye contact to look at the fucker who’s suggested the stupid-middle-schoolers-game and possibly kill them, because he knows Eren well enough to know he’s gonna be ecstatic and he’ll force Levi to join the idiotic game too. And, sure enough, Eren immediately lights up, takes a step toward the center of the room where some of the others are already sitting in a circle, then stops and turns towards Levi with an expecting look.

“No,” he cuts him off.

“Come on Levi, pretty please?”

“I’m not playing this shitty game, Eren.”

“But… it’s my birthday…” He is whining, and even though it’s fake as fuck, Levi knows he can’t deny the statement and refuse. He sighs and cups his face. “Fine. Just this once though. Mark my words.”

Eren smiles. “Hooray! Guys, wait for me and Levi too!”

He grabs his wrist and drags him towards the group, where Armin pulls Eren down and makes him sit in the tiny space between him and Mikasa. Levi finds himself a spot in front of him, in the opposite part of the circle, and on his sides there are the bald dancing guy and a huge blond guy who reminds him a bit of a polar bear. It takes all of Levi’s will not to grunt.

The first rounds are fast and Teen-audience rated, but Levi knows they’re just a warm-up. They’re all pretty much drunk and of age, it’s only a matter of minutes before they start getting explicit. And eventually, they get to this point. Exactly when the bottle points towards Levi, because the universe hates him that much. It’s the guy with the horse face, the one Armin seems interested in, who has to ask him, and Levi has picked truth because he can’t bore with stupid dares. The guy -Jean it seems- grins, and Levi already regrets this whole thing.

“So,” the guy says, “you look like you have a stick up your ass, or is your face simply unable to express emotions, I dunno. If my guess is right, though… When is the last time you’ve had sex, oldie?” There are some chuckles, some gasps, and Armin grabs his sleeve and whispers something about being totally disrespectful, but the guy just doesn’t care and looks pretty smug. He doesn’t know what Armin sees in him, but decides that the alcohol might be having some influence. When Levi looks away from the little shit, he notices Eren is staring at the floor, his eyebrows furrowed.

He clears his throat and everyone shuts up. Good. “I might be older than you, but that is a compliment when said by a little immature kid like you. Also, I’d be careful. I’m older but I’m still stronger than you, brat.” A series of “oooh-s” fills the room and the guy looks taken aback. He must have mistaken him for the calm type of guy, since his controlled blank face, but oh does he like to put little shits in their place. With the corner of his eye, he notices Eren is restraining a laugh. “And I’m going on thirty, sex isn’t such a trivial matter to me as it is for you. I last had sex four months ago. That’s the way my face looks when I’m forced to play Truth or Dare, for fuck’s sake.”

Jean is pouting, the rest of the guys are laughing their asses off though. Armin leans his head on his shoulder and says something Levi can’t hear -he doesn’t even care, to be true- and when everyone is once again composed the guy mutters: “I bet I am stronger.” Everyone ignores him and they go on.

As predicted, from now the questions get more heated. He’d forgot how enthusiastic teenagers are about the wonders of sex.

Someone asks Mikasa if she’s a virgin, and she answers that she will forever be, thank you very much, since she’s asexual. The blonde girl sitting next to her, the one she was with before too, puts a hand on her own and squeezes it lightly. It doesn’t go unnoticed and when sometime after the bottle lands on her -Annie, they call her- she’s asked if Mikasa and she are in a relationship. She looks utterly bored while she answers. “We’ve been dating for a year and a half and haven’t tried to hide it once. Great observers.”

Once again, Eren is laughing. He really seems happy.

The bottle lands on Jean next, and he chooses dare. The baldie next to him grins and Levi smells trouble. “You said you think you’re stronger than him,” he nudges Levi. “So, I dare you to arm-wrestle him.”

Levi’s corners of the mouth twitch. Armin hides his smile under a hand and looks at Eren, who is laughing with no restraint. They know Levi, and they know he’s been hitting the gym since he was eighteen. He’s also frequented cross fitting courses and tried martial arts before. In another life, he might open his own gym.

They move to the coffee table, everyone around them cheering for them. Eren and Armin are still exchanging the same look as before, and even Mikasa looks amused.

The baldie screams the countdown with excitement. Ten, nine. Levi is sitting still, his body completely relaxed. he takes off his black sweatshirt and offers his right hand to Jean. The guy eyes his muscled arms and pales. Everyone around them is howling. Five, four. “Ready?” Jean nods but doesn’t seem persuaded in the least. Call him a sadist, but Levi’s feeding on his regret.

Conny is literally screaming. “Two, one… GO!”

Levi presses down and the boy’s hand is constricted on the table in a fraction of a second. “I win.”

The others are still screaming and laughing hysterically when he gets up, brushes his hands on his jeans to clean them up, puts his sweatshirt back on and returns to his old spot on the carpet. “So? Aren’t we going on?”

Jean is still frozen. Armin is trying to cheer him up but fails miserably as he can’t stop laughing. “I’m sorry,” he says, “but you had zero chances from the start.” He takes his hand then, and Jean lights up in an instant and lets Armin bring him back to the circle.

Soon after it’s Armin’s turn, and Levi isn’t surprised in the least when the bear next to him -Reiner, was it? Fucking giant- dares him to kiss Jean. And also he isn’t surprised when Armin doesn’t freak out, but Jean does. He pales and then blushes furiously and starts stuttering and mumbling things. Armin raises a brow and says nothing, until Jean says: “you can just kiss me on the cheek, so there’s no problem is there?” and Armin rolls his eyes, grabs him from the shirt and smashes their lips together. Jean looks like he might die at any given moment. Armin pulls him back after a bit and raises his chin. “I’ve waited too long for you to get my signals, I’m done. I’m not settling for a cheek kiss.”

“Wait- You like me?!”

“Duh. No shit Sherlock. And I know you like me too, so can we go on or…?”

“But-”

“Tomorrow for lunch, 12 am at the new place close to our school. It’s a date.”

Jean gulps. “Yeah. A date. Yes.”

When both of them say nothing more, the whole circle bursts laughing and cheering like crazy, Armin finally blushes a little, but doesn’t low his raised chin. Levi looks at Eren with a raised brow. Did he know about it? Eren winks and laughs. Heh, thank you, god. He really did need a wink now, too.

When later the bottle lands on Jean, he’s asked since when he’s liked Armin. He mumbles it’s been some months. But then, the bottle spins once again and it stops in front of Eren. Jean grins. “I remember how much you laughed before, little shit. Truth or dare?”

“Tch. I’m not stupid. Truth.”

Jean’s grin grows wider. “Who would you like to fuck more in this whole room?”

Eren suddenly darkens. “I choose dare.”

Some voices raise up, saying he can’t change his mind now. Jean stops them. “Let him,” he says. “Eren. So, dare it is. Kiss the midget.”

Connie makes a face. “Ew, I don’t want to be kissed!”

Jean sighs and looks annoyed. “Not you, Connie, Jesus Christ… Kiss Levi, Eren, Levi!”

Levi speaks before he can think about it twice. “No.” He doesn’t say anything else, but his tone is firm and everyone shut up. The circle is filled with dense silence. Jean looks even more annoyed. “You don’t have a say in this, he chose dare.”

“Maybe I don’t, but he does. I’m not kissing anyone without their consent, especially not for the sake of a silly game. I won’t kiss him unless he wants to.” And it’s okay, because he’s sure Eren doesn’t want to kiss him. Everyone’s eyes are on him now. Levi’s are, too.

Eren looks in the middle of a crisis, thinking about things very quickly. Eventually, he grabs his beer bottle and drains it. There wasn’t much of it left, luckily. When he puts it down he finally looks at Levi. He’s kept still, waiting for the rejection. He knows it’s coming, he’s sure about it, and even though he hates the part of him that feels bad for it, he can’t avoid hoping, even just a little. But, his heart skips a beat when Eren licks his bottom lip and starts slowly moving towards him on his hand and knees.

No one makes a sound. Neither does Levi.

Eren is moving slowly, the neck of his shirt hanging low and his hair falling on his piercing eyes. He’s shining, purple and pink and silver glitters on his tanned skin, lips agape, and something in his eyes Levi isn’t ready to acknowledge.

Eren is close now, so close he can feel his breath on his skin, on his lips. So close it only takes a little shift to lay those lips on his. Eren kisses him and Levi’s head spins. Eren bites his lower lip and Levi opens his mouth. The kiss deepens, and he’s dizzy. Because somehow, this kiss is all he’s been trying not to desire, and his irrational part is cheering and singing and screaming, but the rational part is chanting that no, that’s not okay and no, that’s not how this is supposed to happen, if it ever had to happen. Eren steps back and looks at him for a second before cupping his own face in his hands and sighing. That’s the last drop.

Levi gets up, stumbles on his feet because shit, he’s drunk too much and has stood up too fast, but he soon regains his stability and quickly walks away, out of the living room and past the front door.

He doesn’t know what’s going to happen now. He doesn’t know what he’s going to do. For now, he just needs to get out of here.

Someone grabs his arm when he arrives at the fence and Levi turns around to find green wide eyes facing him. Eren looks terrified. This, and his reaction before after the kiss, tell him everything he needs to know. “I told you you didn’t have to do it, unless you wanted it. I told you didn’t have.”

Eren shakes his head. “Please shut up Levi. I fucked up. Please shut up.”

But Levi is frustrated, rejected, and he’s so fucking angry at himself because he isn’t allowed to be hurt. He isn’t, but he still is. “You are not the kind of person who is incapable of saying no.”

“Shut up! Fuck, please, just shut up.” Eren is crying now, but Levi can say they are tears of anger too. “I am perfectly capable of saying no, but I didn’t say no. Okay? I didn’t say no. And before you say some other shit, I didn’t say no because I fucking wanted to do it. I have for quite some time!”

Levi can’t answer right now, because his head is still spinning and he’s going to go crazy. He can’t bear all this right now. “You’re drunk. Go back home, Eren.”

Eren’s eyes water up and his lips twitch. Levi hates himself more and more. But honestly, what is he supposed to do? Give in, and say he wanted the kiss too? Because he can’t. Sure, a part of him lusted for it. But it’s just a fraction. He is a fucking thirty years old (almost), while Eren is just nineteen, and even though he’s very mature for his age, he’s still a teen. Would it even be right for Levi to stay with him? Even if the boy were to swear he wanted to? ‘Cause he has so many things he has to do and try before, things Levi has done at his age too. And if they really were to get together, Levi wouldn’t want to be part of his experimenting, he’d want to be more than that, but he couldn’t deny him those experiences either. And they’re family, aren’t they? How would this work? What would Carla think of this and what would Kuchel have said? And if things went down the drain, Levi wouldn’t bear to be alone, this time completely and irreparably.

He brings a thumb to Eren’s cheek and brushes a teardrop away. He can’t stand to see him cry. “Please go back, Eren.” This time, his voice is tender.

Eren leans on Levi and buries his face in the man’s dark hair. “Okay,” he mumbles.

Levi pets his hair, just once, in a soothing motion. “Happy birthday, Eren.”

The boy straightens up and nods. Levi tries to smile at him, but he knows the result is just a sad excuse of a smile, and nothing more. He turns around and walks home. He crashes on the couch and closes his eyes. He knows he’s going to fall asleep here, with his clothes on and the promise of back pains, but this once he doesn’t care.

*

It’s been five days and they haven’t met once. Levi has been very careful not to go out for work at the time Eren always goes out to school, and he’s avoided the garden to spend his free time. He doesn’t plan to keep this up forever -he’s in this situation exactly because he wants to be next to Eren for as long as possible, forever perhaps- but he needs time. And, honestly, he's ashamed of what happened that night five days ago.

He needs time to think things through. If he met Eren now, and Eren tried to talk about it, he wouldn't know what to say. Yes, he does know he needs to hear what Eren's got to say when both their minds are lucid and not numb because of the alcohol, but is he ready? Can he face possible truths and consequences?

He'd waken up with his clothes on, reeking of alcohol and smoke, curled up on the couch with a headache and his back killing him. The first thing he'd thought had been: 'I'm fucking disgusting and make myself puke a little in my mouth', the second had been: 'I need a shower,' and the third had been: 'I fucked everything up'.

He had, because the thing wouldn't have been such a big problem if he hadn't started seeing Eren under a different light, because he had been fucking stupid and should have refused the kiss from the start, because he doesn't know how to express himself and clear everything up.

Eren must have had the worst birthday night ever. And he certainly isn't of any help, going out of his way to avoid him.

Now, he's decided he'll force himself and face him soon, maybe after another two days have passed, and he's debating the thing in his mind when he comes across Carla at the grocery store. He feels guilty, but he instinctively checks the aisles around them to make sure Eren isn't with her. He'll talk to him, okay? Just, not yet.

Carla approaches him with a smile and greets him warmly. “Hi Levi, long time no see.”

What is he supposed to say? Yeah, sorry, I know you gave me a place to call home when mine felt like a pain hole, and you have been family even when I've lost anyone else, but I'm currently being petty and thus couldn't come to visit you. Nah. I have a thing for your son so, you know. Or, I am very much ashamed of facing you right now so I cannot possibly come to visit you, thank you though, why not.

Instead, he says: “Yeah. Work's been hectic. Sorry, Carla.”

She smiles and nods in understanding. They keep silent while Levi checks which brand of pasta is cheaper and Carla selects a package of spaghetti, one of fusilli and another of trofie. Eren loves those ones.

Levi picks up a pack of penne and decides it's enough for now. He just wants to get away as soon as possible. “So, I'm going ahead,” he says.

“Wait.”

Fuck.

“Yes?”

“I couldn't help but notice Eren has been quite down these days, and I asked myself if it could have something to do with you not visiting us.”

It's like being stabbed. Of course. It's logical she's able to read through him like an open book, but sometimes Levi forgets he may be able to fool strangers, but he can't fool those he's grown up with.

He had imagined Eren would have been hurt, but hearing it from Carla makes it far more real.

Carla is looking at him with that fond smile of her, and every time she looks at him like that he feels so grateful for being loved, for being cared for. He feels secure with her, the way he did with his mother. He can count on the fingers of one hand how many people in the whole world make him feel like this.

Levi squeezes his eyes shut and takes a deep breath. “I don't know what I should do.”

With his eyes still closed, a hand covering his face, he feels Carla's hand placed on his shoulder in a tender gesture. “I don't, either. But growing up you'll find out the times you don't know what to do are more than the ones you are totally confident. Trust what your heart is telling you.”

*

The hammock has been lying in the cupboard up until now, rolled and covered in dust. His mother used to put it away every fall, to put it back in the garden when summer came again. Since she's dead, Levi hasn't touched it once. It seems so long, yet it could be just yesterday.

The sun is coming back high in the sky, not so warm but still pleasant on the skin. He hangs it between the two trees and lays on the hammock for the first time in many years. The tissue is damaged and holey, a constant threat of falling ass first on the ground, but right now he doesn't care. He crosses his arms under his head and looks at the sky through the leaves of the trees. He misses Kuchel, but he's now able to replace the pain with fond memories. He thinks of the constant struggle to conquer the hammock, at their bickering, the smell of her homemade food. He thinks about her books, her dark hair, her gentle eyes. In the first period, he used to avoid looking at his reflection in the mirror, because catching a glimpse of the features he shares with her brought back the image of a pale body on a hospital bed, all skin and bones. Now, when he looks at his black hair and gray eyes, the thin line of his lips and the marked angle of his jaw, what he thinks of is his mother playfully tickling the tip of his nose when he was a kid, telling him how cute he was. He loved his mother deeply, and he still does.

What unsettles him, is realizing love is much more complicated than he'd thought.

He used to think people felt two kinds of love, perfectly distinct one from the other. Love for family, and love for friends. Sometimes, love for a romantic interest. It hadn't taken much time for him to love Eren and Carla as friends, and then growing up to realize he loved them as family instead. Today, he's discovering love isn't that easy.

He's thinking about Eren and his certainties are crumbling down. He loves Eren as family. He has since forever. But he knows he doesn't love him the way he loves his mother, nor the way he loves Carla. He doesn't love Eren the way he loves Erwin and Hange either. He feels for him something he's never felt before and that is what makes it so difficult to accept. He finds himself wondering whether he's started seeing Eren differently and then his feelings have changed, or if he's started seeing him differently because he's had a change of heart.

Levi has always had troubles figuring himself out. 'Trust your heart' is what he'd like to do -he's unable to, though. His mind is always swirling and pushing, and he can't shut it down, even if he'd like to sometimes. And it's because he loves him, both as family and something more than that, that he knows he can't just follow what his heart is telling him.

*

He's re-reading If this is a man , for the sake of the old times. And, as if summoned by that, a black ball of fur meows at his feet. At first, Levi is taken aback. For a second he's fifteen again, reading his book while distracted by the screaming of a woman calling for her mischievous child, a kitten reaching for the hanging thread and a green-eyed kid looking from afar whether he's managed to catch Levi's attention.

Then he realizes, and he's back in the present, a twenty-nine years old reading a book with a ruined cover on a damaged hammock which surprisingly enough hasn't broken yet. His heart skips a beat, then two. He sits up and bends to his feet to catch the cat. Sunny is old too, now. His fur is thin and in some spots you can see the skin underneath, and he's almost always sleeping. It wasn't rare for him to come to Levi's garden, but lately he's been mainly sleeping on the armchair in his living room. Despite being scared, he tells himself he's ready now, and he can't contain a smile when he turns around, towards the point where the fence and the sidewalk meet, and spots Eren leaning on the fence with a faint smile. “This time I'm confessing: I pushed the cat in your garden because I wanted to catch your attention.”

Levi laughs, and Eren giggles too. The young man walks closer and Levi pats the hammock next to him. “Sit down,” he says, “and consider this an honor. Not everyone is allowed on the throne.”

Eren does as said. “Does it mean I am special?”

“Straight to the point, I see,” Levi grunts.

Eren nods. He's not smiling anymore, but he looks completely at peace. “Yeah. There's no point in hiding it anymore, is there? That I kind of fell in love with you.”

Levi envies him, because he’s never once been able to be as true to himself as Eren is. Most of all, looking at the sky with his golden skin painted by the spots of sunlight, he looks at ease, and Levi once again thinks Eren can be much more mature than him.

“It does.”

“Mh?”

“It does mean you are special. You are special.”

The confused look on Eren's face fades away and he smiles again. “Oh, I know. That's also why I tried kissing you. I thought I had a chance. But I was also drunk, that's true. Now I'm lucid, and I realize well enough that you are much more complicated than this.”

Once again, his mutuals can figure him out better than he is able to do. Now, though, it is time for him to give some explanations. Eren deserves to hear them from his own mouth.

“I'm scared of what I feel. I'm scared of what it implies. I'm scared of the future.”

Eren takes a deep breath, but he says nothing. He's listening, letting every word sink in. Levi goes on. “I can't deny you all the experiences you have to do. You deserve to live your teenage years. I'm ten years older than you, Eren.”

The boy turns around with a frown. “Ten years isn't that much.”

“It is. It is when you're nineteen and I am twenty-nine. I know you understand what I mean.”

Eren huffs, but doesn't add anything.

“What I'm doing, is not because I don't care about you, or because I don't feel about you the same way you feel about me. On the contrary, it's because I love you.”

“What you are not considering,” Eren says and when he turns around Levi sees there is fire in his green eyes, “is that I wouldn't want to do the experiences you're talking about if it's not with you.”

“I can't give you what you want, Eren. I can't do that to you.”

Eren lets out a frustrated sound and stands up from the hammock. Levi follows him: he wants to be able to look at him in the eyes.

“You said you love me.”

“I do.” There is no doubt in Levi's words. Not anymore.

“Then give me a chance. And for once in your life, Levi, think about your own sake too.”

Give him a chance? And be both broken when things won't be able to last anymore? But maybe, just maybe, Eren is right. And maybe Carla is too. He can't just do as they say, though. What he can do, is a compromise. “You start university this September.”

“I do.” Eren looks confused but still ready to fight. Levi is sure what he's going to do is the right thing.

“Three years and you'll be done with your studies. Five years if you'll want to. But if then, if three years from now you'll still be sure about it, I'll be here. I'll wait for you and I'll accept anything you will decide then.”

“Levi-”

“Take it or leave it, Eren.”

He seems to be thinking about it, the minutes passing slow and feeling like an eternity. “Okay,” he says at the end. “Okay.”

Levi nods. Then, he gets closer and hugs Eren tightly. Eren melts between his arms. Levi will wait for him. He'd wait forever. And if then Eren will still want him, after his studies and all kinds of experiences, after everything, Levi will give him his all, and they'll build a relationship. For now, he'll give him his love anyway, supporting him the way he's always done.

Epilogue: age twenty-nine and thirty-nine

“Come on, Eren, we'll be late for fucks sake!”

“Well it's not my fault your senile self forgot to set the alarm!” Eren screams from the bathroom and Levi grunts. It's true, he had forgotten to set the alarm, but they had gotten up with only a twenty minutes delay, and they were already twenty-five minutes late.

He crosses the living room and reaches Eren in the bathroom, stopping in the door frame with his arms crossed. Eren is brushing his hair forcefully. He sighs when he sees Levi: “I'm done, I'm done, you don't need to pose menacingly, dammit.”

Levi arches a brow. “You're doing a mess.”

“That's because someone is in a hurry!”

“Come here.”

Eren rolls his eyes but does as ordered anyway. Eren bends down and Levi runs his hands through Eren's hair to make them the tiniest bit tidy. “You'll have to explain to Mikasa the reason why you were late for her wedding.”

Eren pouts and Levi pulls him from his tie to kiss his lips chastely before turning around and using the item as a leash to drag him out of the bathroom. “Come, brat, we really need to go now.”

“I know, I know...”

They exit their flat soon after, Eren still whining about having had too little time to get ready and Levi barely listening to his complaints. They walk toward their parked car, both on the sidewalk, Eren on the inside and Levi on the outside, closer to the dangers of the street. It's the same as it's always been, one next to the other, hand in hand. With his thumb, Levi caresses Eren's hand and lingers on the gold band on his ring finger.

He loves Eren more than anyone else in the whole world, and he knows he'll do for the rest of his days. The rings and the promises they exchanged two years before are just a formality.

“Get in Eren, come on. You're always late, dammit.”

Eren sticks his tongue out. “Grumpy Cat.”

Levi grunts and Eren laughs. “I love you,” he says, and Levi snorts.

“I love you too, but if you don't get in right this instant I'm going to kill you.”

“Yeah, yeah...”

Eren chuckles and his whole face lights up. He's always been like this, always bright and fierce and always a fucking brat.

But this laugh, this laugh is the song Levi wants to die listening to.