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Hoseok feels warm, a heat under his flesh and it just spreads and feels ever more consuming. He sighs and thinks to reach for his phone, considers calling just to feel soothed by his voice. That deep, soothing voice that makes him feel whatever comes of it is the undeniable truth. Hoseok knows Namjoon is right because Namjoon is always right. But it doesn't stop the want in his system. It doesn't stop him from wondering how Namjoon is tonight or wondering what Namjoon is doing. Is Namjoon eating well? Is he overworking himself? Sleeping alright?
He sighs.
"Shit," He groans.
Namjoon walked into his life and shook him from the inside out. Makes him feel full of every emotion. Makes him feel chaos and peace. He misses him. It's only been one week. And Hoseok feels sick.
Beads of sweat cling to his skin as he shivers under the blanket, his body confused on whether it's supposed to be unbearably chilled or hot.
Hoseok doesn’t remember when he got this fucked up on another person. Just that it all started with a few kisses in the backseat of a car.
☽☼☽☼☽☼
Namjoon tastes like artificial candies and bitter beer and the two things shouldn’t go together, but right now, it's the single most delicious thing Hoseok has ever had the pleasure to taste. He’s buzzing under his skin, veins thrumming with rushing blood and little sounds bubbling up from his throat. Hoseok doesn’t know how to place this feeling, it’s indescribable. He just knows he feels so much he’s dizzy and he feels so light, almost like he could just float away. But not with Namjoon’s hands, his big and strong hands that make him weak just thinking about them, gripping his hips and keeping him grounded.
Hoseok pulls away. He’s breathless and flush-faced, hair damp from sweat. “You know, I always thought you were kinda hot, ” Hoseok laughs, loud enough to drown over the vibey song on the radio. Namjoon smiles wide with his deep dimples on display, his sharp eyes are twinkling, and skin soft in the moonlight. Namjoon is soft and adorable, but also muscular and sharp and so hot. He’s so many parallels and contrasts in one human form. Hoseok realizes how terribly mad this drives him.
“You’re pretty, Hob-ah.” Namjoon breathes. And Hoseok swears for one moment, maybe he’s just hallucinating because that seems more logical than Namjoon underneath him, saying ‘you’re pretty.’ Hoseok feels warm. Warmth over his skin. A flame in his gut. And he grinds down and joins their mouths. Open, wet, desperate. Hoseok feels like he could spontaneously combust into flames. Erupt into flames in the back of this car.
☽☼☽☼☽☼
Hoseok spent days trying to eliminate the memory from his brain. He even went to the club one night with the maknaes, hoping to get some dick because obviously he was just really horny. That’s why he couldn’t stop replaying the sound of deep moans, the image of Namjoon’s plush lips and flush face. But all Hoseok could think was how this guy didn’t hold his hips quite the same and he didn’t have soft, full lips. He didn’t have Namjoon’s deep voice that made his brain short circuit and he didn’t talk about how ‘sweet, or pretty, or delicate,’ Hoseok was like Namjoon did that night. It was dizzying how Namjoon gets sappy when he’s buzzing from alcohol and makeout adrenaline. Hoseok ended up cutting things short and just finished when he got back home. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t think about his best friend a little bit.
The first week after was almost torture. Hoseok wasn’t sure how to approach Namjoon and spun the thought around in his head until he couldn’t think anymore. It wasn’t until Seokjin invited him out to noraebang that he saw Namjoon again. His insides were twisting and playing it cool wasn’t easy when he was this nervous. But Namjoon instantly perked up seeing Hoseok, waving with glowy skin and sparkly eyes. They fell right back into things as if nothing ever happened. As if he never kissed Hoseok so hard it had him seeing stars for days. The night mainly blurred together with Yoongi and Seokjin doing a silly duet together, Namjoon scream-singing a ballad, and Jungkook treating karaoke like it's his world tour stage. The night had died down, everyone leaving one by one. Yoongi and Seokjin had to go watch their domestic, old people programming. While Jimin and Taehyung took Jungkook home since he drank a bit too much. Hoseok and Namjoon played a few more songs before stumbling out into the night air. He’s not sure when or how, but they kissed heavy and feverish in the empty streets.
This became a little habit of theirs. The two of them getting a nice buzz and making out by the end of the night. Sometimes tender and soft, other times hot and rough.Namjoon treats him like a delicate petal and whenever Hoseok tells him more, he switches like its nothing and Hoseok fucking adores it. Sometimes Hoseok falls asleep in Namjoon’s bed or sometimes Namjoon falls asleep in Hoseok’s bed.
It was Hoseok that screwed up first. He still remembers the panic that shook his body. How blood crashing in his ears were the only sounds.
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Hoseok had finally given up on sleep after tossing and turning for what felt like hours, sending a quick text to Namjoon instead of just showing unannounced.
hope: 11:50 pm ‘I’m coming over if that’s cool :p’
joonie: 11:52:pm ‘course, i’ll pick another movie then jungkook told me this one’s a little creepy’
hope: 11:52pm ‘don’t treat me like that :( i can totally handle it’
joonie: 11:53: ‘lol if you say so… see you, man’
Hoseok chooses to walk since the air feels refreshing and Namjoon lives fairly close by. The slight chill stings his nose. He’s sure he’s going to show up with a pinkened face.
Namjoon answers the door with a wide grin, glasses dangling off his nose, and striped pjs. Cute. “My guy, you’re all pink,” He laughs. Hoseok makes a dismissive gesture.
“You have a car. How come you didn’t drive?”
Hoseok shrugs . “Fossil fuel, air pollution, climate change”
Namjoon grins even wider than before, hands held up. “Say no more.”
Hoseok bounces through the door. His eyes meet Namjoon’s.
“It’s sexy when you’re all green and caring about the planet.” Namjoon laughs, not realizing the way he’s affected Hoseok. His face feels hot. Fuck you and your dimples. The thought crosses his mind for the 10000 time that month.
“I’m not dirty talking to you about saving the earth.” Hoseok playfully pokes the other in the shoulder before rushing off to the kitchen.
“We need snacks or food. That’s a rule, Joonie. You always need snacks with movies.”
They search throughout the kitchen, Hoseok brewing some tea and Namjoon grabbing a bag of potato chips and some gummy candies. Hoseok insisted the tea paired well with scary stuff since it was calming and Namjoon just nodded along.
Hoseok was by no means a scary movie person. They made him too jumpy, too paranoid for his liking. The movie started slow and Hoseok almost felt sleep lull him away until dramatic music would stir him awake or until Namjoon would randomly pause the movie to make some elaborate theory. Hoseok thinks maybe enduring the scary movie would definitely be worth it to see Namjoon excitedly ramble. During high tension scenes, Hoseok would find himself buried in Namjoon’s side.
After the credits rolled, Namjoon refilled the snacks and turned on the first Toy Story. The mood changed entirely and they both turned silly and chaotic, quoting and making impersonations of the characters, and laughing loud enough to fill the whole apartment space.
“Hobi,”
“Hobi-ah,”
Hoseok can hear his name very faintly in the walls of his mind.
“Ay, come on, wake up.”
Hoseok feels a gentle shake of his shoulder and flutters his eyes open, coming back to reality. He sees the credits rolling, notices the popcorn littering the floor, then his eyes trail to Namjoon who is smiling down at him bashfully.
Down.
Hoseok looks up at Namjoon. And quickly looks down, met only with striped pants. His face goes hot. Namjoon’s lap is under his head and somehow his arms found their way tangled around Namjoon’s body.
He retreats to the other side of the couch with a mumbled apology. Namjoon gives him a dismissive gesture in reply.
He looks at the clock ticking on a bookshelf. It’s well over 3 am, and Hoseok debates bracing the chill and making the trek back home. His fists are in his lap, eyes downcast, face still hot. Hoseok should go now. Probably.
“You can go ahead. I’ll meet you in bed in a few.” Says Namjoon as he stretches his limbs. “I have to move baby bonsai to his favorite window and pick up this mess.”
Wait… Meet. In bed. Hoseok gulps. Nods. And he feels himself moving on autopilot, his body moving all on its own accord. He wasn’t sure when these things became so difficult for him. Usually, he was much braver than this. But sometimes, things feel different. Something has shifted here. And it makes Hoseok feel warm and fluttery. He isn’t sure where to place these feelings. Just wants to get these thoughts and box them up, send them away. So he closes his eyes and feels himself slipping away from reality.
“Goodnight, Hob-ah,” Namjoon says softly, the smile on his face can be heard through his tone alone. Hoseok stirs awake again under the shifting of the mattress and the warm body next to his own.
“G’night, Joonie.” He mumbles softly. He feels Namjoon reach over, adjusting the blanket to cover Hoseok’s exposed shoulder.
Hoseok leans forward, one quick motion. He captures Namjoon’s lips. They’re soft even in the harsh bite of autumn chill, they’re smooth. They’re always like this though. No matter how much Hoseok nips and bites, kisses with Namjoon always feel tender and soft. He tastes like mint toothpaste.
It wasn’t for one second. Two seconds. Three seconds. That panic fills Hoseok’s hazy, sleep deprived mind. Realization settling in. He pulls away so fast it almost knocks him off the bed. “I-” He couldn’t form rational thoughts. Not with the waves of panic taking over him like this. He and Namjoon kissed lots. The two have made out in this very bed. But that was when they had a silly excuse. This was a tender, good night kiss between sober best bros. That’s another story entirely.
Hoseok fucked everything up. By one tiny mis-
Namjoon leans forward languidly, and kisses Hoseok on the lips. It’s brief, barely a second long, then Namjoon turns with a bashful laugh and one last goodnight.
Hoseok couldn’t sleep. Not for what felt like hours. Not with the way his heart beat so fast it ached. Not with the way his body was in flames.
What the fuck is Namjoon doing to him?
☽☼☽☼☽☼
‘We’re just having fun?’ Namjoon had questioned with a tilt of his head. ‘Yeah, I mean we could be like best bros with benefits or something.’ Even more time went by, days blurring to weeks and weeks blurring to months, them falling into new rhythms until it became their new normal. Greetings consisted of chaste kisses that followed their ‘hey.’ The two practically lived in Hoseok’s apartment together, with Namjoon even leaving his bonsai there on some days. There were traces of Namjoon everywhere, his sleep shirts and socks were always mixed with his laundry and the kitchen was filled with his favorite foods. Namjoon and Hoseok had become domestic, almost boyfriends, but still not boyfriends.
.
Yoongi tried warning him countless times with a quirked brow and small sigh, that Hoseok was approaching dangerous territory. This was teetering near the edge of a cliff and still with all the warnings and all the internal lecturing, Hoseok had taken one too many steps and now he was free falling.
Everything Hoseok feared, tried avoiding his entire life, had been confirmed on New year’s eve.
☽☼☽☼☽☼
Hoseok is sick, so terribly sick. He’s curled in on himself, body aflame. Nothing helps much, no matter what he tries. He aches all throughout his body, and it feels a lot like he got run over by a speeding car. His limbs are heavy and they don’t want to cooperate with him. His immune system is shit, so Hoseok is no stranger to colds, but this is something else entirely. He has never felt this shitty and he has been to some pretty crazy parties in his time.
He’s scrunched in his bed in the fetal position, eyes squeezed shut, trying to will away the tears. He attempts to think about anything else then the way he feels right now. He wonders if his friends are having fun right now. He wonders if Namjoon is enjoying his time away spent with his family. He’s been gone for a little over a week now and Hoseok realizes he misses Namjoon so much. His heart sinks just thinking about him.
Is anyone else this unbearably alone and miserable on New Year’s Eve? He looks over to the alarm clock on the nightstand. It reads 10:33 PM in a bold red. For some reason, that he cannot explain, the tears start streaming. They’re hot and they burn flowing down his already warm skin.
It’s 11:38 PM when he pulls himself out of bed, body heavy and dragging him down. The force of gravity feels heavier than ever, but Hoseok manages to make it out of his bedroom and drag himself to the front door. The thuds from the other side come in a heavy, almost impatient rhythm. He doesn’t think much from exhaustion and just opens the door.
Everything’s a blur. In one sudden motion, Hoseok is enveloped by one person. A bigger, taller person. His face is buried in a dark shirt, strong arms hold him tight. And Hoseok melts instantly in the hold. He found a comfort that he hadn’t realized, until now, that he lost for a week.
“Happy New Year’s, baby.” Namjoon whispered, voice deep yet so tender.
“W–What are you–”
“I wanted to be with you when the New Year struck. I just wanted to be here.”
And suddenly, Hoseok could feel the ache leave his bones, could feel the heat evaporate, left behind only in the form of a flush on his face. With Namjoon, Hoseok was better.
The realization hit him then. Hoseok is in love with his best friend Kim Namjoon.
☽☼☽☼☽☼
Hoseok never meant to fall so irrevocably in love with his best friend. He would have never kissed Namjoon in that damn car if he knew things would be where they are now. But really did he have a choice in the matter when Namjoon brings packets of flower seeds so they can grow flowers together or buys him small trinkets on a whim because ‘this is pretty, right, it reminded me of you.’ He has fallen head first for Namjoon and his little gay heart hasn’t settled down since.
It’s insufferable to be so sickly in love with someone who obviously does not feel the same. He feels so pathetic when his body breaks down, when a fever takes over his body and seeps to his bones. All because he’s gone a day too long without his friend. His friend that he loves in a very unplatonic way.
He should have seen this coming. He should have known he couldn’t play pretend for much longer. But thinking about it still hurts. It still makes regret heavy in Hoseok’s heart.
☽☼☽☼☽☼
Hoseok softly looks over to Namjoon who seems uncharacteristically distant today. He can tell his friend's head is in outer-space and he just has to wait for him to come back down to earth.
"Joonie-ah, I think maybe I'll make us some tea, alright?"
Namjoon is silent.
Hoseok is away preparing the tea longer than necessary because Namjoon's kitchen is in disarray, nothing has a proper place of its own, besides the plants that are always nestled on the window sill and hanging from above, but after digging through the clutter and waiting for the kettle, Hoseok returns with two mugs and gingerly places them both down on the table beside the couch.
"Careful, let it cool some." He warns. Namjoon nods.
One minute. Silence. Two minutes. Silence. 5 minutes. Hoseok and Namjoon are nursing the honey tea, Hoseok blowing on the tea before each sip.
Then Namjoon clears his throat. And Hoseok snaps up and holds his stare.
"I've been thinking a lot, and we both know this," Namjoon gestures between them. "It, uh, needs to stop. I can't keep fooling around with you it's not right, Hoseok. You're my best friend." His words are shaky, trembling and he sighs again. "I think we need some time apart."
Hoseok is sinking. Hears waves crashing in his ears, even though he knows it's rushing blood. But he nods. With glossy eyes and a heavy heart - he nods in understanding.
☽☼☽☼☽☼
There is absolutely nothing he hates more than being a burden, yet here he is barely through the day, crying in Yoongi’s scratchy sweater. Being this broken, he hates it. Worrying his friends, he loathes it and it just makes him feel that much worse right now.
“Shh shh, Seokie. It’s alright. You can cry.” Yoongi soothes, speaking slow and soft as if Hoseok is a timid deer that will run off in one misplaced move. “Let it all out. I know you’re not fine right now.”
And Yoongi saying that makes Hoseok cry harder, choking on his tears and gasping for air. “I fucked up,” He barely gets out through strangled breaths.
Hoseok and Namjoon were best friends, ones that just clicked. They met in high school and ended up as dormmates in college. They were a pair, a packaged deal. Namjoon knew Hoseok like no one else, knew when he was forcing a smile and how to make him feel better, but now it was just him.
“I kept wanting more and more from him.” Hoseok sobs, his words coming out broken.
“You can’t blame yourself for something you both agreed on. You didn’t choose any of this, Seokie. You’re hurting yourself more like this.” Yoongi says even softer now, looking at Hoseok with outright concern.
“What if he never speaks to me again?” Hoseok questions in the tiniest, most vulnerable voice. His round eyes wet from crying.
Yoongi furrows his brows in concentration before letting out a dry sigh and hugging Hoseok to his sweater again.
“He will. I know he will.” Yoongi confirms without any doubt in his tone.
“B-But how can you be sure.” He sniffs.
“Namjoon cares about you way too much to ever let go of you.”
Seokjin arrives at his and Yoongi’s shared apartment at some point and works with his boyfriend on reassuring Hoseok that things will be fine to just give it time. They offer for him to stay there for the time being so they can tend to him in his state of patheticness. Of course, that’s not how they phrased it, but Hoseok cannot help but to see it in that way. He had to decline one too many times before being on his way to his own home.
It feels too empty when he opens the door to not see Namjoon sprawled lazily over his couch. There isn’t a “Hoba! You’re back!” Or a kiss waiting for him on the other side and his heart twists.
There are small hints of Namjoon throughout his apartment from when they were speaking, before Namjoon pulled away and got too distant. It just leaves a ghost of him behind. His extra house slippers are positioned by the door still, his striped sweater is haphazardly laying out on the floor. The small traces of Namjoon are overwhelming and confusing because all signs point to Namjoon being here, except he’s not.
Hoseok breathes a heavy breath, trying to calm himself, but it proves unsuccessful. Especially when he feels like his entire body is on fire too.
He shakily navigates through his apartment with boneless legs. He tosses the slippers in a small closet and stuffs the sweater behind a pillow out of eyesight and falls back onto the couch, eyelids falling shut.
Still, all he can think of are all the times he and Namjoon laid out on this couch making out for what felt like hours or him turning on stupid reality shows and them cuddling while annoying people talk on the screen. He can feel the sting in his eyes again, one that’s become all too familiar.
“I’m such a fucking dumbass.” He groans, squeezing his eyes shut even harder.
All along had Namjoon known? Could Namjoon feel the way Hoseok seemed lighter, more vibrant every time they got around each other again? Could he feel the warmth under Hoseok’s skin and how it eased each time they embraced? The thoughts plaguing his mind just make him feel that much more foolish than he had before.
Time seems to pass by agonizingly slow and still it’s been too long since he has heard from his friend. He never imagined it meant they would have to arrange separate times to hang out with their mutual friends. Everything is so exhausting and complicated, half of the time Hoseok either wants to scream or cry.
Stores are an explosion of reds and valentine's hearts due to the upcoming holiday. Couples could be spotted from every direction, holding hands and rubbing their very not single status in everyone’s face. Hoseok is usually not a bitter person, but lately bile is burning in his throat.
“Oh, someone’s a lucky girl.” The cashier says with a bright smile as a manicured hand grabs the white teddy bear.
“I’m incredibly gay.” Hoseok breathes, a trace of a laugh following. “And I’m just treating myself ‘cause someone’s got to.”
The brunette behind the register giggles. “I heard that.”
He pays with his card and they exchange pleasantries before he’s out the door with a paper bag in hand. The cold air of winter brushes against his skin that isn’t concealed by a coat or scarf and at this rate its welcomed.
Valentine's day is rapidly approaching. The fact of it makes him sadder than it should because no him and Namjoon were not a couple, nor have they ever been a couple, but they spent every Valentine’s day together. Back in their first year of college, they made an agreement while exchanging sparkly eyes and too big smiles.
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“Hoseokie,” Namjoon calls from his side of the room after a long beat of silence to which Hoseok makes a small ‘hmm’ sound in response. “What are you doing tomorrow?”
“For Valentine’s?” He muses, brows furrowed in consideration. “Not too sure. Maybe I’ll catch up on studying, or not and watch a drama.”
“No dates?” Namjoon peeps in a small voice.
“Nope, no dates.”
“Same.” The other speaks up, something in his voice sounding disappointed. “My girlfriend broke up with me. “
Hoseok tosses his phone carelessly somewhere on his mattress and flings himself onto Namjoon’s bed instead, head on Namjoon’s stomach and feet dangling off the bed.
“No shit, really?”
“Really.” He laughs humorlessly.
“Sorry, Joonie. You need to talk about it? Hm?”
“No, I mean like, I saw it coming. I guess I always knew it wasn’t going to work. It just sucks, you know, I already went out and bought her gifts and now I’m alone. It’s funny how things work like that sometimes.” Namjoon sighs and hugs a pillow to his chest.
“Spend it with me then.” Hoseok says with a twinkle in his voice. “I’ll be your Valentine, you can be mine. We’ll just hang out.”
At that, Namjoon sits upright and Hoseok’s head slides into Namjoon’s lap. He isn’t sure if he said something weird, but it isn’t as if he can take back anything at this point. Guys could be weird about these things and Hoseok thought Namjoon was different than that. Maybe he overstepped and this was a landmine.
“You’ll have to spoil me, though. Give me chocolates, um, or maybe a plush. ‘Cause there’s a first for everything.” Hoseok jokes with a loud laugh bouncing off the walls of their small room and a light slap to the leg under him.
Hoseok swears he hears a gasp from the boy above him. “Wait, hold up, you have never gotten anything for Valentine’s day? You?” Namjoon says it like it’s the most incredulous thing he’s ever heard and it makes Hoseok’s face feel warmer than it had a few moments ago.
“No, nope, never. People usually only like me for one night if you catch my drift.” Hoseok inches away from the lap under his head, nuzzling his face in the blanket instead.
“Dude, you’re so oblivious, it’s fucking crazy.” He breathes out from above him and he lets out a laugh when Hoseok slaps his leg again.
“It’s easier that way anyways ‘cause who wants to be that caught up on a person or that dependent on a person?” He mumbles.
That had to be one of the scariest ideas to a young Jung Hoseok, falling so madly in love with one person and not having the same feelings returned. Just considering it made his stomach twist nervously.
“Sometimes it’s nice–”, Hoseok looks up at Namjoon as Namjoon speaks, holding his stare. “To have someone to depend on, Hoseokie. “ He continues and tilts his head back.
“Alright then," Namjoon exhales and looks down with a grin, "Will you be my valentine?"
A small smile spreads on Hoseok's face before it breaks into a wide heart-shape and before he knows it, he's on top of Namjoon, arms tangled around his tall friend.
"Of course! A million times yes, dude!" He laughs. From this angle, he can see too deep in Namjoon's eyes. He can see the way a sliver of light from outside reflects in his eyes, making them almost look like they're twinkling, but the way his wide, dimpled grin met his eyes like that definitely didn't help.
"Okay so, I'll ask you this every year we're both single." "And I'll always say yes."
Namjoon and Hoseok pinky promised while giggling at the situation. It was cute and definitely cheesy.
They did spend all of Valentine’s day together and Hoseok could not control the flush on his face when Namjoon showed up with chocolates, flowers, and a teddy bear all while wearing the largest grin. Namjoon has always been that precious.
And each year, the two kept their promises.
☽☼☽☼☽☼
“Hobi hyung, please say you’ll come see us today.” Jimin pouts on the phone and Hoseok can nearly picture the puppy eyes the younger boy would be giving him if he could see him right now.
Jimin knows he is cute and knows how to use his charms to his advantage and more than anything Jimin knows he could never say no to his pouting. Damn Jimin.
“Taetae is worried about you and Kookie misses you.” The sweet voice adds on from the other side of the phone and Hoseok knows he's trapped in a corner. He cannot deny his maknaes.
“I’m out anyways.” Hoseok sighs. “So of course I’ll visit you all~” He puts on a cheerful voice and smiles genuinely upon hearing the soft giggle from his friend.
“Good, good! We can’t wait, hyung. Okay, hold on, I should go. I need to clean before you show up and scold us like last time. See you!” Jimin near sing songs his ‘goodbye’ and the line goes silent.
Just great. As much as Hoseok loved his friends, he couldn’t have them seeing him in this state. He places the gift bag in the passenger seat and lets out a long breath before starting the car and heading off to see his friends.
The trek up the stairs has him light headed. Every few steps, he has to press himself against a nearby wall for a short break. He wants this sickness to fade away already, yet it seems to only get worse by the day. It has its clutches on him and sometimes he isn’t sure how to get through with this constant broken down, sick feeling.
After what feels like far too long, Hoseok makes it to the door and a trio meets him at the other side of it. Jungkook looks a bit nervous, eyes rounder than usual, something he didn’t think was possible, but he is still wearing a smile. Taehyung and Jimin are both bouncing on their feet.
“Hobi hyung!” They all say in unison.
“Hyung, you look so handsome. I almost forgot how handsome you always are.” Taehyung gushes with his face in his hands.
“Taetae, now is not the time for flirting.” Jimin waggles a finger in his boyfriend’s face to which he responds with a pout of his mouth.
Hoseok smiles big at their antics because they’re just too cute and they make him want to squeeze them and pinch their cheeks. Just as he’s preparing to coo over them like the proud self-proclaimed parent he is, Jungkook speaks up.
“Hyung, please don’t be upset with us.”
Jungkook reaches for Hoseok’s wrist and Taehyung grabs the other, with Jimin leading the way they tow
him inside and to the lounge area.
Hoseok’s world falls at his feet. Heart in his throat, the rushing of blood in his ears. His heart hurts and his stomach twists.
On the couch, sitting with his eyes on his phone is none other than Kim Namjoon. The same Kim Namjoon that has been avoiding him for nearly one month. That has made his body go through hell.
Hoseok hears crashing metal and broken glass, the screech of tire wheels, but it’s all in his head. That’s just his world crashing down. Namjoon looks gorgeous as always, except something feels different. His leg is bouncing, jaw clenched, head in one hand.
Jimin speaks up first.
“I don’t know what, but something is definitely weird here.”
Namjoon flicks his attention up from his phone and the look that he gives him makes him want to get sick. It’s one that flickers from mortified to an intensely cold expression. Hoseok feels a chill crawl up his spine and now he wants to single handedly strangle each one of his maknaes for this set up.
“Please, talk.” Jungkook peeps up.
“Yeah, you two are soulmates.” Taehyung adds on.
“We’re sick of you both hurting yourself. Namjoon, Hoseok, you two are miserable.” Jimin speaks the firmest between his boyfriends. “We’re going to step out and we would really like it if you guys talk whatever this is out.”
Jungkook and Taehyung release Hoseok and follow their boyfriend out the front door, closing it behind them on their way out. It closes with a loud click that reverberates in his skull. He cannot stomach the idea of being alone with his best friend right now.
Namjoon clears his throat, but he doesn’t talk. He just clenches his jaw again and stares forward with dark eyes. He’s fidgeting and very apparently on edge.
This bothers Hoseok to his core as Namjoon had such a visceral reaction to seeing him. As if they were strangers at this point or enemies.
“What the hell, Namjoon? You don’t have to treat me like this.” The words spill out before he has time to mull them over in his head. “I didn’t know either. I really didn’t.”
The room is silent for a bit too long. The only sounds coming from the ticking of a Totoro clock on a table directly next to a vase and the tapping of Namjoon’s foot hitting hard wood floor. Every tap unnerves Hoseok that much more.
It feels like ten minutes, but it is actually more like one minute, when Namjoon finally stands and crosses the room until they are face to face.
His heart is thumping erratically from being this close again after what feels like far too long, mixed with anxiousness. This close he can see the things he hadn’t noticed before. Namjoon’s natural glowy gold skin is pale and if the circles under his eyes are anything to go by, he hasn’t slept well in days, maybe weeks.
He instinctively reaches out to touch his friend, only for
him to pull away before Hoseok’s fingers could even brush his soft skin.
“You’re really either that oblivious or you just pretend, Hoseok. I really can’t tell anymore.” He says low in a broken voice and now he doesn’t look intimidating, just upset.
“W–Wait? What?” Hoseok sputters, his heart stuttering the same as his words.
“I never wanted any of this, well I did, but not like that.”
“I–I don’t understand.” Hoseok croaks out with tears in his eyes.
“Damn it, Hoseok.” Namjoon almost growls, then he steadies himself. “You kissed me in my bed, you weren’t fucked up at all. You just kissed me like it was a natural thing and I have never been the same since. I’ve wanted that for as long as I can remember.”
Hoseok freezes and everything inside of him is screaming to say something, to speak his mind, his heart, but he’s processing and barely functioning.
“I know.” Namjoon sighs, crossing Hoseok. “It’s alright. You don’t feel the same, I get it, but I can’t keep doing this to myself. I’ve been running myself in the ground for you and full of false hope.”
He exhales again and this one is shaky, he’s ready to break, to cry and it makes Hoseok want to break too.
“This has never just been for fun for me. Sorry for that, Hoba.”
With that, there’s another click from the door and a small commotion from the maknaes talking to him. The edge of his vision is blurry, his eyes sting and before he knows it the tears stream like open faucets.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Hoseok ends up darting out the door and down the hall, not looking back until he’s in the warmth of his car. Lungs filling and collapsing, they ache with air too heavy.
Jung Hoseok is a dumbass. A truly oblivious dumbass.
☽☼☽☼☽☼
“Hoseokie!” Namjoon beams, hopping excitedly. Sometimes he gets this sudden childlike energy that Hoseok finds extremely cute.
“I was thinking,” He starts, dimples showing. “We could go to dinner with the hyungs, Yoongi and Seokjin tonight. Yeah?”
Hoseok looks up from folding their laundry, examining the details in the other’s face, if there is any sign of bluffing. “You’re kidding, right.” Hoseok snorts. “If you wanna be third wheels, then sure.”
Namjoon deflates for one moment, then fixes himself into a smile again. “Aw true, true. I just wanted good food.” He scratches behind his neck, adding, “Will you cook us something good. I’ll be your loyal assistant.”
“Deal, but just hand me the things I ask for.”
“Wait, are we still on THIS agenda? I cut my finger once and you’ll hold it over my head forever.” Namjoon defensively rambles. “I am not a walking accident waiting to happen, you know.”
“Totally, I do, but you take twenty years to chop one vegetable. We’ll starve before we get to eat.” Hoseok lets out a short laugh at his own joke, then grabs Namjoon’s hand in his own. “Let’s go, big guy.”
“Uh-huh, I’m your big guy.”
They laugh for a while, Namjoon and Hoseok flushing in unison.
☽☼☽☼☽☼
Hoseok has had strings of text messages and phone calls from his friends. He’s tried replying to them, mainly, though it’s rough to put on a smile and brave his friends when he feels like this.
Since that day at the maknae’s apartment, it’s been two days and Valentine’s day has finally approached. He’s alone. He hasn’t been asked: ‘Would you like to be my Valentine,’ by the person that matters most.
To be honest, he isn’t quite sure why he’s moping anymore. His fever has evaporated into nothing, the body aches have subsided. He feels better, except he still feels like shit. He still feels sick as shit, but in an entirely different way now.
When he closes his eyes, he is taken back, he can see the paleness in Namjoon’s skin and hear the raw vulnerability of his broken words. The slight tinge of desperation. He knows that Namjoon was probably secretly hoping for a reaction from him, one more than what he gave.
Hoseok has a migraine pounding in his temples from over analyzing all the words they have exchanged and all the interactions they have shared. Now the smallest, seemingly insignificant things make sense or mean so much more than they originally did. The revelation makes him feel as if he’s been thrown in ice cold water, more awake and in shock than ever.
He feels awful. Stupid, even. All along Namjoon had been there, with his heart open for Hoseok, ready for the taking and Hoseok rejected him without even knowing.
And he’s been home moping because he’s a dumbass that can’t take a hint. While Namjoon is alone. Alone and hurting.
Hoseok lays for one tick of a moment, then another. The moments pass by until Hoseok clambers out of the blankets he was wrapped in, tumbling the slightest bit when it wraps around his legs. He toes on the shoes by the front door and throws on the nearest coat. He’s dressed in mix-matched pajamas and his hair could easily be mistaken for a bird’s nest atop his head, but he doesn’t have the time to care for appearances.
The drive there is short, something about it feels longer than it ever has before though. Maybe it's because it was never under these circumstances. It never felt so urgent until now. Red lights keep stopping him at each traffic light, making him feel that the universe is at odds with him.
He arrives at Namjoon’s apartment complex, grabs the bag in the passenger seat that he completely forgot about until this moment, and sprints the fastest his legs will carry him through the building until he’s reached the door. He’s gasping for air, lungs void of air, because one thing Hoseok is not is some sort of athlete.
Hoseok knocks once with his free hand, twice, three times. There’s a thud and footsteps and the door swings open.
Namjoon’s mouth falls open, Hoseok’s mirrors him, seeing his friend donning a scarf and beanie as well, a gift bag in his hand as well.
Hoseok’s heart is thumping loud in his head, thumping over his thoughts. He can’t think. But he knows he has to act, so he does.
“N–Namjoon, will you be my valentine?” Hoseok questions with a gulp, extending the bag towards him.
A look of confusion flashes on Namjoon’s face, a look that replaces with a shy smile.
“I was just about to ask you the same. You know, I’m not in the habit of breaking promises.” Namjoon also hands Hoseok a bag.
His legs feel like they could give out on him because no way is Namjoon real. No way was he on his way to see him after everything.
“Hold on. No.” Hoseok says and it makes Namjoon wince. “I mean, sorry, this time I’m asking you to be my Valentine as my boyfriend. N–Not as my friend. “ Hoseok sighs and looks at Namjoon resolutely, eyes glossy, but he doesn’t want to cry.
“It was never just for fun for me either, Namjoonie. I promise you that.”
Namjoon lunges forward, their lips connecting in one motion. It’s tender and desperate and says all the words that haven't been shared between them yet, like: ‘I missed you. I fucking missed you so much.’ They fall into the doorway, bags falling to their feet, hands roaming each other’s body. And Hoseok, can feel the way all of the old tension leaves Namjoon’s body. He can feel the scorch on Namjoon’s skin fading. He feels the lightness overtaking Namjoon, the same he was so scared of Namjoon sensing from himself.
“What’d you get me?” Namjoon asks between kisses.
“Please, god, let’s make out for like twenty minutes, then you can have your teddy bear.” Hoseok pouts, pulling away reluctantly.
“Hey,” Namjoon exclaims, “You spoiled it.”
“No, no. I didn’t tell you what he looked like, though. It’s really cute.”
Hoseok gives a heart-shaped smile and Namjoon gives a dimpled one before they kiss once, twice, and stumble inside kissing enough to lose count.
Jung Hoseok has always been afraid of falling in love. Until, Kim Namjoon held his hand and made it hurt a little less.