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"Did you ever see us?" Junhui asks one night.
They're lying in bed, Wonwoo's back pressed to Junhui's chest while Junhui draws little patterns onto his arm with his fingertip. It's the middle of the night, slowly bleeding into early morning, but they haven't slept yet. Wonwoo had been awake working on his laptop and Junhui, the kind being that he is, stayed awake so Wonwoo wasn't sat alone.
"What do you mean by that?" Wonwoo asks. He shifts in Junhui's arms, turns so he can face him and admire the faint outline of his features in the darkness.
He sees Junhui smile, feels as he begins tracing the same patterns he had been on his arm, now on his back. He feels Junhui's hand run down his spine, carefully feeling each bump that sits beneath the skin. Wonwoo reaches up and combs his fingers through Junhui's hair, the sound of a contented hum making him smile.
"In your dreams," Junhui elaborates. "Did you ever see us?"
"Oh," Wonwoo's hand pauses its movements, fingers still gently grazing the top of Junhui's head. "Yeah, I did." He's never told Junhui that he'd seen them before, that he knew of things that were yet to come but was too afraid to let himself admit his own feelings in order to see them become reality.
Junhui nods, closing his eyes and exhaling deeply. Wonwoo feels his breath on his arm, warm against his skin. He feels a slight nudge against his hand, assuming it as a silent plea for him to resume brushing his fingers through Junhui's hair. The older boy smiles softly and Wonwoo feels a warmth spreading through his chest.
"I didn't want to tell you," he admits, surprising himself for even saying it at all. He'd rather keep the information to himself, but he feels like Junhui deserves to know. "I saw it when we weren't talking. It scared me, knowing that was a scene that we'd be living someday, but at that time I felt so far away from you."
"I felt it too," Junhui says quietly. "It affected me in different ways, but I felt like I was distant from myself in general."
"How so?"
"Like," Junhui pauses, seemingly reliving those moments in his head. "I felt like I was completely out of routine, doing things I hadn't done before and wasn't meant to be doing. But I was just going about my day as normal. Everything just felt wrong." His hold around Wonwoo tightens, pulling him that little bit closer. "Guess you're just such a big part of my life that it couldn't have been normal without you."
"Don't make me all soft right now," Wonwoo squirms in his hold, that warmth inside his chest heating up even more. He hears Junhui laugh, such a comforting sound, but far too loud for the current atmosphere inside their bedroom. He assumes Junhui realises too, because he proceeds to hum softly before burying his face in Wonwoo's hair.
"I missed you then." He speaks against the top of his head and Wonwoo feels his lips brushing against his hair.
He sighs softly, "I missed you too. Was completely lost without you there."
Junhui chuckles quietly, "Forgot how to live?"
"I'm a mess of a human being, Wen Junhui."
He feels Junhui squeeze his waist, place a kiss against his head. Everything feels so still, so peaceful and Wonwoo is almost taken aback when he thinks about just how calm he really feels. Moments like these always make him think of the past, when he didn't have Junhui by his side through the night. The nightmares were much worse, though he still gets them occasionally.
He'd spoken to Minghao again, actually opened himself up a little more and allowed himself to accept Minghao's advice. It took time, of course, but he feels like he can finally see a bit more clearly.
He's accepted that he can't save everyone. No matter what he sees in his dreams, he's only human. He isn't capable of being everyone's saviour, and he can't let himself take the blame when things go sour. He isn't responsible for the things he sees, so he shouldn't beat himself up over not being able to stop them. Minghao had taken his hand and told him that acceptance is freedom, and the words have stayed with him since.
When Junhui had sat with him in the graveyard, a bouquet of roses laid on the grass by the stone in front of them, he'd looked him in the eye and told him it wasn't his fault. Wonwoo hadn't been able to answer, had stared at the ground, until Junhui lifted his chin and locked eyes with him, refusing to look away until Wonwoo said those words. With Junhui holding his gaze, the weight of life always seemed to feel a lot less heavy.
He'd glanced over at the stone, reading the name engraved and remembering the person that name belonged to. Images of his mother's smile and laugh had flooded his mind, as tears began to flood his eyes. Junhui had kissed his temple and told him it was okay, to take as much time as he needed, but he still wanted to hear Wonwoo say those words.
The tears soaked his cheeks and they made the cold air feel even cooler. Junhui's hand in his was warm, acting as an anchor that kept Wonwoo from drifting out to the sea of his own thoughts. His mind was still a dangerous place to dwell sometimes, but he was learning to accept that, too. He'd turned to Junhui, eyes red and face stained with tears. Junhui had smiled softly, wiped away the last few tears that still clung to Wonwoo's eyelashes and waited.
It was hard, took Wonwoo minutes to muster up the courage and to swallow down the lump that he felt blocking his throat. He'd met Junhui's eyes again, hands shaking as Junhui held them tightly, his gaze warm and encouraging as he remained silent. Wonwoo had to force the words out, and they burned in his throat, another stream of tears welling up in his eyes as he said: "It wasn't my fault."
Junhui's arms had wrapped around him and Wonwoo broke down again. He peered over at the grave as he cried, heart heavy in his chest. Though, for the first time in his life, he felt like he really was beginning to accept that it wasn't his fault.
"Don't get lost, mister." Junhui's voice pulls him out of his thoughts, drags him away from memory lane and back into their bed, where Junhui is still holding him just as tightly. "You were wandering through your brain again."
Wonwoo smiles. The way Junhui words things never fails to entertain him. "Sorry. Was just remembering how good you've been to me."
Junhui hums, "I think I've been more than good."
Wonwoo laughs softly, pushing his face into the crook of Junhui's neck. The skin is warm and Wonwoo sighs contentedly, placing a light kiss against the skin. Junhui begins running his hands up and down Wonwoo's back again.
"You should sleep," he says gently, reaching a hand up and combing his fingers through Wonwoo's hair.
Wonwoo mumbles incoherently into his neck, pushing his face against Junhui's skin as though he can go any further. Junhui slips a hand beneath his chin, carefully prying him out of his hiding place so he can look at him again.
"Go to sleep, Wonwoo." His voice is so soft, the sound alone could have Wonwoo out like a light. He's really fighting himself to stay awake at this point, but he doesn't want this moment to end.
"Wanna stay like this forever," he mumbles, fumbling around the sheets until he finds one of Junhui's hands. He holds it gently, tracing a finger over the lines of Junhui's palm. Junhui reaches his other hand out to his, holding Wonwoo's hand between both of his. He leans over and kisses the tip of Wonwoo's nose.
"We can stay like this for as long as you want. Every night for the rest of time." Wonwoo feels him squeeze his hand, relaxes against him and breathes deeply.
"Love you," he mumbles against the pillow, feeling himself steadily slip away from consciousness. The promise of this same feeling, every night for the rest of their lives, is the reassurance he needs to allow himself to drift off to sleep.
When he falls asleep feeling calm, it's almost guaranteed that he won't have any of those bad dreams. Rather, he'll see Junhui, himself, sometimes their friends. He'll feel safe, at peace, free.
He's too close to sleep to hear Junhui reply to his words, but he knows what he says, can feel it in the way he rubs his thumb gently across the back of Wonwoo's hand. I love you, too, it says.
When Wonwoo dreams, he sees a field of flowers and the hand of his anchor held in his.