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Billy Goldstein was a year older than Dave so they weren’t in any of the same classes, but their parents were good friends and whenever they would visit and talk about whatever boring things grown ups talked about, Dave and Billy would take their bikes and ride down to the park and climb the tallest tree. When they were younger they’d make believe they were pirates or cowboys or astronauts, but now Dave was 15 and Billy 16, so instead they talked about school and their families and God and the future and outer space and really, anything that was on their minds to talk about.
“Do you ever think about… being bad?” Billy asked one day.
Dave furrowed his brow. “You mean like Danny?” Danny was the school bully in Dave’s grade, but he was big and tough enough to pick on some of the kids in Billy’s grade as well. Dave hadn’t had too many run-ins with him, but he didn’t like the way Danny treated the weaker kids - it wasn’t right, they didn’t deserve to be treated that way. Dave often wished he could put Danny in his place, but he was afraid he’d make himself a target. He certainly didn’t want to be anything like Danny, and he wouldn’t have thought that Billy would either.
Billy shook his head. “Nah, that’s not what I mean, Danny’s an asshole. Wouldn’t mind sockin’ him though, you think that’d be bad?”
“Nah, I don’t think so. I think some of the kids would think you were a hero. Just like our Dads in the war, fighting the Nazis.”
“Mmm” Billy said. He still seemed a little unsure so Dave gave his foot a couple of gentle kicks. Billy looked at him and smiled. Then he looked down at their feet. He moved himself closer to Dave without making eye contact. They sat so close now on the tree branch that their legs were almost touching, but not quite. It wasn’t uncomfortable, they’d sat this close or even closer plenty of other times, but Billy looked nervous this time. He opened his mouth to speak, but hesitated. Dave just waited, enjoying the silence and the closeness and the warm sun and the cool breeze and the sound of children’s laughter below them. He didn’t imagine anything that Billy could say would bother him much. Finally, Billy spoke. “Sometimes I think about kissing a boy.”
Dave looked at Billy. It didn’t feel as shocking or scandalous as perhaps it should have. They were up in their tree where they talked about everything, where they’d told things to each other they hadn’t told anyone else. This just felt like another one of those things.
But Billy was still nervous, and he didn’t register Dave’s openness. “I know you do too,” he added quickly, “don’t deny it.” It was said like an accusation, like a scared animal backed into a corner and lashing out. “I’ve seen it when we look at each other sometimes. You want to just as much as I do. You’re the same as me. If God hates me then he hates you too.”
Dave broke eye contact then with a scoff and looked out at the view. He couldn’t deny it, what Billy was saying. He didn’t want to either. But he didn’t like what Billy was saying about it. He didn’t want to be bad and he certainly didn’t want God to hate him, or Billy.
Dave could still feel Billy’s eyes on him. “Dave, please…” Billy said with a tremble in his voice. “Please tell me I’m not alone. You and me are in this together, right?”
Dave looked back at Billy, and as soon as he did, Billy’s lips were on his. Dave didn’t know what to do. He’d never kissed anyone before. He didn’t know if he should open his mouth, or what he should do with his hands. It felt strange, but nice, so Dave didn’t do anything.
Billy smiled when he pulled away. “I knew it! I knew you were like me. Whatever happens, we’re in this together.”
Dave smiled and looked back down at his feet. He could feel his face flushing. Billy gave his shoulder a reassuring nudge. They were in this together, just like always.
———
That night after dinner Dave snuck out went to Billy’s house. They’d sneaked out after dinner before, to go for evening bike rides, see the stars, sit on the swings late at night when the kids who would normally use them were asleep in their beds, so it didn’t feel much different to Dave when he did it tonight. Dave wasn’t sure what to expect after that kiss in the park. They hadn’t talked about it much. Billy had changed the subject and everything had gone back to the way it always was. Dave began to wonder if he’d imagined the whole thing. He climbed the tree outside Billy’s window and sat on one of the branches, then he tapped his fingers on the glass. Billy gave a half smile when he opened his window and he kissed Dave again. Dave was surprised, but pleasantly so. He leaned into Billy this time and puckered his lips. He felt Billy put his arms around him and pull him even further forward. Dave followed until he couldn’t lean any further forward without falling. Billy broke the kiss. “Well, aren’t you gonna come in?”
Dave hadn’t been planning on it. Usually when he visited Billy late like this Billy wanted to get out of the house. But Dave didn’t mind staying in Billy’s room, especially if he was going to keep kissing him. So Dave climbed through the window, and before he could get his balance Billy’s lips were on his again, so Dave used Billy to steady himself. Billy pulled him closer and it was so, so nice. Then Billy took a step back, still holding Dave close, so Dave followed. They took a few more steps together like this until suddenly they stumbled into Billy’s bed. Dave broke the kiss to look at Billy. His smile told Dave that he’d done this on purpose. Dave was lying on top of Billy, with Billy’s legs wrapped around his hips. Dave wasted no time kissing him again. This time he tried opening his mouth a bit. He brushed his tongue along Billy’s lower lip and then went back to kissing like before. Billy opened his mouth then and it wasn’t long before their tongues were exploring each other’s mouths. It felt so good, really good, and soon Dave felt a stirring between his legs. He was pressed up against Billy and he could feel that Billy was having the same reaction. Dave felt like his body was starting to take over and started to grind himself against Billy without really meaning to. He pulled back slightly to look at Billy, and Billy’s smile was all the encouragement he needed to keep going. It was so good, oh god. Dave had done this before by himself, rubbing against his bed, but this was different - better! Billy’s kisses moved to Dave’s cheek and along his jaw and towards his ear as Dave continued to grind himself against Billy.
“My Dad would be so pissed if he knew what we were doing,” Billy whispered, and that made Dave stop. He climbed off Billy and sat opposite him on his bed, looking at him with a frown. Billy seemed surprised that Dave had stopped so abruptly. Dave had the same feeling he’d had in the park that day when Billy had talked about God hating them. Dave felt good when he was kissing Billy, and he didn’t like that Billy thought they were doing something wrong. He didn’t feel like kissing Billy any more right now. Dave got up and went back to the window to leave. “Dave, wait!” Billy got up and met Dave at the window. There was a slight panic in his voice. “I’m sorry.” he said, and Dave wasn’t sure if he was apologising for what he’d said or what they were doing.
Dave softened his expression. He could see that Billy was scared. Dave didn’t know if what they were doing was bad or if God hated them or what their parents would think. But it wasn’t as though they were hurting anybody, and they both enjoyed what they were doing. And Dave decided he could live with that, the rest was for the rabbis to debate about. He put his hand on Billy’s cheek in a gesture he hoped was reassuring, and gave Billy another kiss, less intense than before.
Dave felt Billy relax into him, and when the kiss broke, he didn’t pull away, letting his face linger close to Billy’s. “So then we’re still in this together?” Billy whispered.
Dave pulled back just enough to look into Billy’s eyes. “Always,” he said with a warm smile.
———
Billy’s parents were hosting a barbecue for his younger sister’s birthday and all the neighbours were there, including Dave and his family. Mr Goldstein asked Billy to get some more meat from the fridge in the garage, and Dave went with him. When they saw that the garage was empty, Billy shot Dave a sly smile. Dave returned the smile and took Billy’s hand, running his thumb along the back, threading his fingers through Billy’s. He brought Billy’s hand up to his lips and pressed a kiss into the back. Billy’s eyes lit up with desire and he closed the distance between them and kissed Dave passionately, pushing his tongue through Dave’s lips. Dave parted them eagerly and let Billy push him back until they were leaning against the fridge, the meat quickly forgotten.
The boys didn’t realise how long they’d been when Mr Goldstein burst angrily through the garage door. He’d been ready to yell at Billy for taking so long with the meat, but what he saw inspired a very different sort of rage.
Dave felt Billy being pulled away from him. Mr Goldstein shoved Billy to the floor. He was yelling something, first at Billy, then at Dave, then at Billy again. Dave couldn’t make out the words over the blood rushing in his ears. He was frozen in place with fear and so was Billy. Mr Goldstein was standing over Billy, his arms flailing as he yelled, and Billy’s expression wavered between anger and fear. Dave wanted to say something, do something, but the words wouldn’t form in his mouth and his body refused to move. It was just like with Danny, Dave wanted to stand up to the bully but he was too afraid.
Mr Goldstein left with a final look of disgust directed at Dave, and Dave thought he heard something about telling his parents. He was too shocked to think about what that might mean. He shook himself out of it and held out a hand to help Billy up.
“Shit!” Billy said. “Oh shit, he’s gonna kill me. What are we gonna do?”
Dave just shook his head.
“He’s gonna tell your parents, y’know. You’re dead too. We’re both dead.” Billy sank back down to the ground and ran his fingers through his hair. “Shit, this was so stupid!” Dave sat down next to Billy and Billy grabbed his arms. “Dave, what are we gonna do?”
Dave shook his head again. He had no answers for Billy.
———
Dave couldn’t help the way his hands shook when his parents called him into the kitchen. They looked a lot calmer than Mr Goldstein had earlier that day. Mom looked like she’d been crying, she was still holding a handkerchief in her hands. Dad looked stern and disappointed.
“Son…” Dad began, and then he faltered and looked to Mom.
“Dave…” She said. Then she began crying, and brought the handkerchief to her eyes.
Dave swallowed and waited. He held his hands in front of him to try to stop them from trembling.
“Son, you’re going to go live with your Uncle Brian in Dallas for a while. This business with Billy…”
“You just put it out of your mind, okay, Dave?” Mom said. “You’re a good boy. You’re not gonna do anything like this ever again, are you Honey?”
Dave opened his mouth to speak but Dad interrupted him. “That’s right, Sport. You’ll just get a fresh start in Dallas, you focus on your studies and when the time is right you’ll find yourself a lovely young lady to marry, and then you can come back home.”
Dave wanted to ask if he could still come home even if he didn’t find a young lady, but he was afraid of the answer. His parents weren’t yelling and they weren’t shoving him to the ground like Mr Goldstein, but Dave thought he’d prefer it if they were. Sending him away? For how long? Would he ever see his parents again? Would he ever see Billy again?
“You go to your room now and get some sleep.” Mom said. “We’ll talk to the school tomorrow and you can stay home and start packing.”
Dave felt a lump forming in his throat. He didn’t dare speak for fear of crying. He did as he was told and went up to his room. Then he opened his window and climbed out, as he had dozens of times before. He had to see Billy.
———
Dave sat on the branch and tapped on Billy’s window again. When Billy opened it, Dave saw the cut on his lip and the shiner beginning to form on his cheek. Billy didn’t kiss him this time.
“You can’t be here, Dave” Billy said quietly.
“My parents are sending me away to Dallas.” Dave told him.
“You should go.” Billy said, and Dave wasn’t sure if he meant go back home or go to Dallas.
“Did you hear what I said?”
“Yeah, I heard you. You’re going to Dallas. Maybe that’s for the best.”
“Billy…” Billy wasn’t looking at Dave, so Dave reached his hands out to touch Billy’s face, and he flinched away.
“You’re too much of a temptation for me. If you weren’t around, then I wouldn’t…” Billy swallowed. “I wouldn’t be like this anymore.”
Dave felt the lump forming in his throat again. Everything was changing for the worst and there was nothing he could do. He barely knew his uncle and he didn’t know anyone else in Dallas. His parents wanted to send him away, and now so did Billy. Wasn’t there anyone who wanted him, just one person in the whole wide world who cared about him? It wouldn’t be so bad if he had just one person, just one. “What about us being in this together?” He whispered hoarsely.
“If we’re in this together then where the hell’s your split lip, huh? Where’s your black eye?”
“Then let’s get out of here, together. You and me. Away from your Dad, away from my parents. We’ll take care of each other. We’ll be in it together, just like you said.”
“And do what? What are we gonna do for money? Neither of us have jobs.”
“I don’t know… we’ll figure something out.”
“Grow up, Dave. And go home.” Billy put his hands on the window and began to close it. “Go to Dallas. Or run away by yourself if you want. I can’t see you anymore.” And with that Billy slammed the door in Dave’s face and closed the curtains.
Dave didn’t try to stop the tears when they came. He lingered for a while, resting his head against the window. There was nothing for him at home. There was nothing for him here either. And there was nothing for him in Dallas.
Somehow, eventually, Dave made his way back home. He couldn’t bring himself to think about where he was going, he just let his body carry him. He managed to sleepwalk through many more years like this, not allowing himself to think about the rejection he’d faced from Billy, from his own family. Not allowing himself to think about how desperately he missed a person who didn’t yet exist. A person who might care about him unconditionally, for exactly who he was. A person he could love just as fiercely.
Until one day, there was a flash of blue light…