Archive of Our Own

The devastation that follows in wake of the war against Shigaraki shatters Mina in ways she can't even begin to comprehend.

Trying to process the chaos of her emotions and thoughts feels like rummaging through piles of broken glass with her bare hands without any idea of how to piece it all back together. There's one shard of guilt in particular that became secondary amidst all of the agony, terror, and regret, unnoticed until it was burrowed in so deep the weight and the pain of it feels unbearable. It's the need to ease even a fraction of the suffering she feels that brings her to the one person she can think to tell in the middle of the night, her blanket clutched around her shoulders as she stands out in the hallway and knocks on the door.

There's shuffling on the other side, followed by bare footsteps, and then Kirishima is standing in the doorway. 

He blinks at her, mouth parting in surprise. "Ashido…"

The gel is washed out of his hair and it hangs around his face in soft, red locks. It rounds out the angles of his sharp jaw and frames his eyes in a way that draws her attention to how tired he looks, to the dark shadows that are starting to bruise the skin underneath the waterline. He hasn’t been sleeping, she realizes -- none of them have, she thinks -- and the knife of guilt in her gut twists a little more.

“Kirishima,” she starts, trying to keep her voice steady, “there’s something-”

A lump of emotion lodges itself in her throat and despite her best efforts, she chokes on it. 

All the things she’s tried to keep locked up are seeping through the crack. Her failure against Gigantomachia. Midoriya, Bakugou, Todoroki, Neijire, and Aizawa-sensei in the hospital. Midnight ...

She’s always been able to get back up when she falls, to brush things off and move on, to bounce back with more energy and determination. In many ways, living in the moment is one of her strengths, but now that she’s started to doubt herself and her own resolve, all of the things she never bothered to deal with or look at too closely are coming back with teeth and a vengeance. She feels the tears before they hit, face hot and aching as they swarm up and pearl in her eyelashes. 

Somehow, she still manages to hiccup the rest of what she wants to say. "Th-there's something I need to tell you."

Kirishima looks a little helpless as he nods, eyebrows tilted up in concern, hands hovering at his sides awkwardly.

"Okay," he says, and opens the door fully to let her inside. 

Mina stands in the center of his room and tries to calm down, scrubbing at her eyes with the corner of her blanket as Kirishima quietly closes the door behind her. He brushes past her to sit on his bed, then pats the camouflage-patterned sheets next to him in invitation. Taking a seat on the edge of the mattress, she gathers her nerve.

“What happened with that villain back in middle school...everyone who heard about it told me how ‘cool’ or ‘brave’ I was for doing what I did. They all said it was the mark of a true hero, moving on instinct and using quick thinking to get out of danger.”

She curls her hands into fists in her lap, biting her lip against the sting of more tears. “But they were wrong about me,” she confesses thickly. 

“Where is this coming from?” Kirishima asks gently, genuine confusion written all over his expression when she glances up, and even though she suspected, her heart sinks. 

He hasn’t figured it out. He doesn’t know, and it only makes what she has to say next even harder.

“The reason I dropped the anesthetic was because that giant guy, Gigantomachia...it was him. He was the villain in the dark cloak.”

Kirishima visibly pales, and his eyes widen as it dawns on him. “What?”

“I’m sure of it, I’m positive it was him,” Mina insists, voice trembling. “And when I recognized him, I froze. Everyone was counting on me, and I messed up because I got scared. You were so hard on yourself after what happened that day, but you’re the one who got stronger because you faced your fears. I thought, after everything, I’d gotten stronger, too, but...”

She curls in on herself with a sob, feeling small and pathetic. And, maybe, that’s all she’s ever been, she thinks. Back then, she'd barely scraped together enough guts to blurt something out to make the villain go away, and it was through sheer luck that it worked. For days after, she’d suffered nightmares of what might have happened if it hadn’t. Then, the USJ and the League of Villains attack at the training camp happened, and she hadn’t been able to do anything. Even on Nabu Island, taking on Nine and the other villains, she’d only gone up against Slice and managed one good hit before she was out of commission. 

When it came to real peril, real stakes, what did she have to show for herself? She could ace all the mock exams and training exercises at school and it wouldn’t mean a damned thing if she crumbled the second the danger became more than she thought she could handle. 

“I’m sorry,” she sniffles, because it’s all she can think to say. Sorry for not being the person you thought I was. She can’t even look at him, afraid to know what face he’s making as she falls to pieces and exposes all her weaknesses. 

It’s as she’s thinking of getting up and leaving him to try to get what precious little sleep he can that she finds herself carefully being pulled into the warm wall of Kirishima’s chest, his arms curling firmly around her to hold her close. She’s enveloped in subtle notes of bergamot soap and his hair tickles her where it brushes against her cheek as his chin hooks over her shoulder.

“Ashido,” he whispers, voice thick with emotion. “You...I didn’t even think-....”

He stops, and Mina can practically hear him trying to parse the words he wants to say as his arms tighten around her.

“This whole time,” he finally says, “you were carrying the burden of what happened that day, too. I’m so sorry .”

He says I’m sorry , but what he’s trying to tell her, she realizes, is I understand . 

The sentiment lances right through the heart of the raw, trembling thing that’s all her balled up insecurities. Whatever bits of her armor that were still stubbornly intact finally fall away completely, and she sinks into Kirishima’s embrace until it feels like he’s the only thing holding her together as she begins to cry in earnest, tears and snot streaming down her face and into Kirishima’s shirt as she heaves ugly sobs. 

She’s not sure how long they stay like that, her folded up in his arms, and him gently petting comforting strokes down her shuddering back, but she must exhaust herself and eventually fall asleep, because she opens her eyes to find herself alone and tucked into Kirishima’s bed. Kirishima is nowhere to be found and for a moment she wonders if he left, only to peek over the edge of the mattress to find him camped out on the floor, sprawled over the body-length beanbag chair he’d gotten as a birthday present. 

His eyes slowly blink open when he hears her stirring and he gives a soft smile when their eyes meet. In all honesty, it’s kind of awkward. She feels more than a little embarrassed that she just spent the last couple of hours giving him a front row seat to the most vulnerable and pathetic side of her and crying all over him, only to pass out in his bed. 

True to form though, in the way he has, Kirishima eases some of the tension with a simple, “You okay?”

“...Yeah,” she tells him, letting herself tentatively smile back, and it’s mostly true -- there are still some things she needs to work through, grief she needs to process, but there’s a weight that’s been lifted off of her.

“You probably want your bed back, huh,” she says, and he just shrugs.

“S’alright," he replies, watching her like he's waiting for an answer.

It's permission to stay, if she wants to, in case her own room is more solitude than she needs right now while she's still fragile, and Mina is touched, but she’s intruded on his kindness enough for one night. She actually feels sleepy when she drags herself upright, yawning as she detangles herself from Kirishima’s blankets, properly tired out. Kirishima gets up, too, stretching with a groan before following her to the door.

“Thank you. For everything,” she tells him with all the sincerity she feels, and he looks stunned for a second before he scratches shyly at the back of his head.

“Sure! I mean, y’know,” he flounders, flashing a bashful grin, “that’s what friends are for, yeah?”

Pausing, his expression sobers into something more serious.

“And, if it means anything...I think you’re brave. I thought about you when I was climbing up to throw the anesthetic, that I wouldn’t let your courage go to waste.” He smiles, and it’s impossibly kind, tilting softly at the corners of his mouth. “You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself.”

Despite the fact that she feels like she can’t possibly have any tears left to cry, Mina feels her eyes water, but this time, all she feels is gratitude.

“That’s what I’m supposed to tell you, isn’t it?” she teases, ducking her head to dab at her eyes before she ends up bawling all over him again. 

He huffs a laugh. “Guess we can both have each other’s backs.”

His words ignite something warm and comforting in her chest, and it stays with her after she bids him goodnight and shuffles back to her own room. She holds onto the feeling as she curls up under the covers, knowing that in the morning she’ll once again be thrust into the wreckage Shigaraki and the League left behind. 

But now, she doesn’t feel so alone. Now, she feels like she can face it bravely.