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"Techno, techno, look!" a voice called from behind the young man. the voice was of course my brother, Tommy, now 6 years old.
"What is it Tommy?" I ask - struggling to hide my own uninterest. I feel no need to turn around and absentmindedly continue cutting down wood from the nearby forest.
"I'm behind you. Just look see I’m strong like you!"
I turn, my complacent face slowly turning to fear as I watched Tommy lift my orphan obliterator and start walking towards me. There was a sense of pride that prickled at the back of my mind that of course my younger brother was taking after me (who wouldn't want to) but he's inexperienced and I'm not looking for another scar.
"Hey buddy," I start, "c'mon Tommy, put down the sword."
Tommy definitely understands what his brother is saying, but why should he listen? he wants to be just like techno and make Philza proud. With all his might he runs towards techno, mimicking his phrases like "kill the orphans”.
Usually I’m calm, but today I was struggling. Wilbur had gone to school and Philza was meant to stay and look after Tommy whilst I gathered more materials. Of course, at the last minute he got called for "urgent business" and left me looking after the raccoon again.
When Tommy started running towards me, I think I might have been scared. no. I wasn't. In all honesty I was angry. Why did Philza never stay more than one night with his sons? Why did Wilbur get to go to school and not have to babysit an unruly child all day? that's how accidents happen.
"Make him stop"
"Hurt him"
"He's another opponent"
the voice? it showed no direction. yet it was so loud. I'd had them since I was younger and never known the cause. They were so loud.
When Tommy started running at me, I didn't know what to do. I started yelling getting louder and louder and more aggressive. I couldn’t control myself. The voices telling me to fight with all my power kept nagging.
Tommy stopped. He started crying. Not in anger that he'd been told off. But fear. In the haze of bottled emotions, I'd raised my axe high above him in some attempt to quieten the child. He was screaming "Please techno. Don’t hurt me. I'm sorry."
How did I lose control again? I'd promised myself and Phil that after the first time I wouldn't attempt to harm my siblings. I'd push down the voices and pretend they arnt there.
The axe dropped to my side as I fell onto my knees.
Why did I do this?
How can I let myself be around my family if I can't control my urges?
What have I done?
Tommy was still sniffing and he flinched when I moved towards him.
"Hey buddy, I'm sorry," my hands were shaking and a skull crushing pounding filled my ears.
Tommy ran into my arms and cupped his hands round my face. "You were joking Techno it's OK. I mean I was scared...wait no I wasn't I don't get scared I'm a big man. "
"Yeah...joking." I softly laughed and gave him a forced smile. I wouldn’t disappoint another sibling.
I picked him up and took him back into the house; Wilbur and Phil will be back soon and then I would leave.
After today, I wasn't sure if I could face my family. it felt like I was betraying them.
Wilbur came home half an hour later and eventually, so did Phil. Will made something to eat for us all then we went our separate ways. Wilbur took Tommy to bed and then played guitar. Philza and I could hear him as we sat by the fire.
"So, how was Tommy"
"Fine"
I'm lying. And Phil knows. he's always known. Ever since he picked me up from the box in the street he's known.
"What happened."
I began to explain what happened, the voices, and how I felt so out of control that I couldn't help myself.
there was no look of disappointment as expected. Or even anger. He moved closer to me and I could hear Will start to play Since I saw Vienna. he's been playing that on repeat. it's like a message. Phil wrapped his arm around my shoulder and I tensed at the touch. What if I lash out again and hurt him?
"It's Ok mate..."
"It's really not"
he doesn't understand what it's like. to have a voice so loud pounding in your eardrums telling you to hurt those around you. he doesn't understand me. not enough. not now. and maybe not ever.
"you... must be... alone." Wilbur’s song finishes and its final words echo around my head into my bloodstream, surrounding me.
I need to get away
I need to be alone
I deserve it don't I.
I excuse myself from Phil and tell him I'm going to sleep early. He seems sceptical but shrugs and lets me go.
I move upstairs and sit at my desk by the window, take a piece of paper and pen, and start writing a letter.
Dear dad
I'm sorry I've left. don't come for me. I did what I had to do to keep this family safe. I'm a danger to you. I almost hurt Tommy today and next time it could be Wilbur... or you again. You won't find me. It doesn't hurt to do what I must. It hurts more to accept I'm a mess. A monster. I love you and Wilbur and Tommy more than anything in this world and I would set it on fire if it meant you guys were safe. I love you. Thank you for Everything.
From Tech
That's, the first time I ever called him dad. Quite possibly my last.
I pack a satchel and sling it over my back. The house was dark and I moved quickly through it. I left the note on the table, by Phil’s sword. He'd see it before the others wake up. They wouldn't have to cry over a lost brother.
I leave into the night, closing the door behind as I go.
I see my axe, still, on the ground where I dropped it. And beside, my crown. I must've dropped it when I fell. I don't need it now.
I don't deserve it.
And as trudge through the snow I cry, softly, at the family I left behind. but I did what I must. For I can still hear Tommy crying.
don't hurt me