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dazai is quiet.
at first it was confusing, difficult for kunikida to wrap his head around, difficult to adjust to the fact that dazai wasn’t spinning around in his office chair, nor was he singing about a double suicide. he was quiet, sitting in his chair with a book in hand, looking more peaceful and more solemn than kunikida had ever seen him.
he knows dazai isn’t happy. he’s known that for years, since the day they became partners. not a day goes by where dazai doesn’t mention suicide, whether it’s a new method in which he could use to kill himself, or a woman he had seen who he just had to brag to kunikida (who had no interest in women whatsoever) about. he doesn’t understand to this date, because they’re in a relationship, and have been for almost two years.
he’s quiet, but only at home. kunikida had long since invited himself into dazai’s apartment, in fear that he might try anything without kunikida even knowing, let alone being able to stop him. he knows dazai’s attempts have never succeeded, but he doesn’t want to risk it.
after spending almost every waking moment with dazai for the part year, kunikida has realised that the eccentric overly energetic persona is all an act, and in the comfort of his own home, dazai might just be the quietest person he’s ever met. at first, the break from his antics was a blessing, but after a weekend at home because the agency was shut, the building under heavy maintenance, he loves dazai’s voice. as loud and obnoxious and unfiltered he is, his voice is arguably one of his best features. soft even when he shouts, and unnaturally soothing, similar to a warm jacket on a cold night. it envelopes kunikida and warms him from the inside out, holds him gentle yet secure and keeps all of his concerns at bay.
none of these things are thoughts he’s willing to share with anything or anyone, because though he’s a man of few words in private, he does enjoy teasing kunikida. that’s something that seems unlikely to change at any point. it might just be the only honest part of himself that he shows anybody else.
it’s a difficult adjustment to make when that begins to change.
it starts with dazai getting a little more talkative while they’re at home, the regular silence filled with conversations about the newest member of the agency – the boy dazai insisted on treating to an ungodly amount of chazuke on kunikida’s dime, but the unplanned investment had been worth it. kunikida has grown rather fond of atsushi, especially after seeing the change he’s made to dazai’s overall mood.
then he starts to smile more. kunikida can’t tell if it’s forced, because he isn’t sure he’s ever seen dazai smile genuinely. but he starts to worry at this point – dazai only smiles at home when he’s faking it, when he wants to put on a front to stop kunikida from finding out how he really feels – and so naturally, kunikida begins to think dazai is spiralling again.
he brings it up one night after a particularly stressful day at the office, while dazai’s humming echoes from the kitchen to their small, shared living room, where kunikida is sat.
he stands up and makes his way to the kitchen, but stops at the door. whether it’s to gather his thoughts and calm his nerves, or simply to appreciate the sight of his partner and the sound of his voice, he doesn’t know, but he takes a deep breath regardless before he speaks.
“dazai.”
the man in question turns then, an unusual smile resting unusually naturally on his pale face. he turns away from the oven and leans takes a step closer to kunikida, before resting his hip against the counter. “yes?”
kunikida hesitates. does he want to bring this up now? it may well create a tense atmosphere, may well turn the normally comfortable and peaceful silence as they eat dinner together into something less pleasant, something thick and uncomfortable, an atmosphere they struggled to breathe in. but he knows this is important. “i think you already know this, but… you don’t need to pretend while you’re at home.”
before kunikida can continue, dazai interrupts him and renders him speechless, simply by smiling. only, it isn’t forced. it’s soft, the corners of his eyes crinkling just slightly as a soft sigh of laughter leaves his lips. it’s the most genuine and most beautiful thing kunikida has ever seen. it envelopes kunikida and warms him from the inside out, holds him gentle yet secure and keeps all of his concerns at bay. “i know that, kunikida-kun. i’m not pretending.”
kunikida doesn’t know what to say. they’re never usually quite this tender or gentle with each other. their dynamic is wordless affection, gentle touches and physical displays of their love. this isn’t what kunikida is used to, and he’s assuming dazai feels slightly out of his comfort zone as well. he doesn’t know how to respond, but when he feels a hand holding onto his own, both smaller and warmer than his own hand, he realises that he doesn’t need to know what to say. dazai knows he’s at a loss for words, that he’s out of his domain entirely, and kunikida thinks that maybe he doesn’t need to respond. “oh… well, that’s… nice to hear,” he says.
dazai’s smile broadens, before he takes another step closer to kunikida and lets his head drop onto the other’s shoulder. “really, you need to stop worrying over everything. you’ll get wrinkles before you turn 23.”
kunikida chuckles and rolls his eyes fondly as he lifts his arms to hold dazai, and he momentarily forgets to speak when he feels dazai’s hands on his chest, fists tightening around the fabric of his shirt. “i’ll stop worrying when you stop being such a source of constant concern,” he says. he’s said it many times before when dazai has told him to stop being such a worry wart, but the nickname “source of constant concern” seems to apply to dazai less and less with each passing day, and kunikida isn’t sure if it’s because he’s found a reason to keep on living, or if atsushi has given him that reason, but either way, he’s grateful. in his eyes, dazai deserves happiness. even if his past is tainted and his hands forever bloodied, his effort has paid off. kunikida thinks he’s earned the right to be labelled as a good person.