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There was still a good part of the school year left, but Penelope could already tell that it would go pretty much like the last one. She had thought perhaps things would get better after freshman year, but it was now her junior year and it was all pretty much the same.
Penelope didn’t want to be ungrateful by any means. She was grateful for the financial stability her family had, which allowed her to have very good education. She was grateful for Eloise and Colin, two of her favorite people in the world, and the ones who were always there for her, no matter what.
But she just wished she could have a better experience with the whole high school thing. So many people did. They seemed to just glide through from one party to another, one basketball game to another, untouched, unharmed. Always surrounded by their groups of friends.
And nobody would say anything. Nobody would look at them during gym class and snicker or hold back a laugh. Nobody would watch them crossing the hallways and turn to whisper something mean to their group. Nobody would say those things to their faces.
The truth was that not many people had the guts to say it to her face, choosing to just gossip around while she was the butt of the joke. Maybe they thought it was too cruel to just say it out loud. Or then it was just too much trouble, better avoid the confrontation.
Not many people had the guts to say it to her face, but the ones who did always hurt the most. The ones like Cressida Cowper.
She knew she wasn’t pretty or even graceful. She wasn’t in the standards of beauty and fitness that people like Cressida deemed acceptable. But it still hurt when she found new ways to provoke or offend Penelope.
She had been very lucky to have Eloise and Colin through this. She first met Eloise still on the first day of their freshman year, when they were placed at the same classroom. They had been almost instant friends, bonding through their love of literature and their dislike for the snobs of high school hierarchy. They were inseparable since then.
Eloise didn’t have the same trouble Penelope did to socialize. While she was shy, introspective and many times awkward in a group of people, Eloise didn’t stutter. She was a funny, extroverted girl, even though she possessed very little patience for most people’s bullshit.
Then through Eloise, Penelope met Colin, one of older brothers. And Colin was… it was hard to explain, but the first time Penelope met him, still during the first week of school, it was like her heart was beating in her ears and she couldn’t hear or see anything else. Like she couldn’t stop looking at him once he had her attention.
She didn’t think it was possible to fall for someone that fast, especially when you’re that young, but she had been in love with Colin Bridgerton since the first moment she saw him.
Initially, she had been just his sister’s nice best friend, who hang around their house way too often. But then they would just sit and talk while she was there. Or they would laugh their heads off watching a crappy movie with Eloise.
And it was the easiest thing in the world. For someone as shy and introverted as she was, who many times stammered through a conversation, talking with Colin felt effortless. About anything and everything. Well, everything except her feelings for him, of course. That not even Eloise knew about.
But he made her feel comfortable. He made her feel like she could open up to him. Like she could trust him with the deeper parts of herself.
Soon the three of them were always hanging out around school. Colin was already a senior and like the gorgeous, funny guy he naturally is, he was usually surrounded by many friends. But he always made time for them.
Eloise liked to pretend she only tolerated Colin, but he was actually her favorite out of the seven siblings. They couldn’t go a day by without teasing one another. Penelope always admired the dynamic between the Bridgerton siblings. She wished she was that close to her sisters.
It was the end of her school day and she was sitting by herself under a tree, in the school’s backyard. It was a pretty quiet spot, not many people usually hang around here. That’s why it had become a favorite for the three of them. Eloise had called in sick today and Colin was still having classes.
But Penelope just needed a few moments to herself before heading home. Cressida had been particularly annoying today. It wasn’t even outright cruel stuff, because she knew how to hide that well under the mask of her fake smiles.
She had figured out a couple months ago that Penelope still haven’t had her first kiss. It wasn’t supposed to happen. She was just standing close by when their group of friends were gossiping about kisses and boyfriends and silly stuff teenagers love to gossip about.
She wasn’t even paying attention to the conversation, but suddenly Cressida turned to her with a mean smile and asked “What about you, Penelope? How was your first kiss? Was it someone from school?”
In those awful three seconds where she was caught unguarded, Penelope had stammered, not knowing what to answer. But it was enough for Cressida to know. To see it in her eyes.
“What? You have never kissed anyone? Oh Penelope, but you’re already in junior year”. Then she looked at her as if she pitied her. But ever since that day Cressida made sure Penelope wouldn’t forget the fact that she has never been kissed, like most people her age have.
She would just drop these subtle hints at any possibility and then give her a sweet smile. Or then she’d deliberately whisper something to her friends when she passed in the hallway.
The thing is, it shouldn’t annoy Penelope. It shouldn’t hurt her. It was silly and meaningless and in a few months it probably wouldn’t even be important anymore. People would just forget about it. She knew that. But it still bothered her.
It bothered her because she had those ridiculous feelings for an utterly unattainable person and they wouldn’t go away. She had tried to, but they wouldn’t. She wanted to kiss Colin so hard. She wanted her first kiss to be with him.
That was a stupid notion though, because he would never see her as anything more than one of his best friends. He loved her, she knew that. In many ways, it was enough. But he would never love her like that. Like she loved him. Like she wanted him to love her. And it hurt a bit, she couldn’t deny it.
There wasn’t anyone out there who was interested in her, and the one person she was interested in didn’t return her feelings. So it seemed she’d go through the high school experience without the kissing part of it.
Colin suddenly jumped out of nowhere and sat beside her by the tree. She had been so distracted in her thoughts that she didn’t even see him approach.
“If you stare at the grass any harder it’ll probably burst into flames a few seconds from now” He said, bumping his shoulder on hers and making her laugh.
“It would probably do the school a favor, since they can’t mow the lawn to save their lives” She says jokingly. “What are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be in class?”
“Yeah, but Mr. Rodriguez let us go fifteen minutes early today.” He looked at her and seemed to remember she wasn’t supposed to be in school anymore. “But what are you still doing here?”
“Oh I just felt like having a moment of peace before going back to my sisters’ yellings at home” Colin grimaced a bit at that.
“Do you wanna go to my house? I can drive you. Eloise will probably whine if you don’t visit her during her convalescence” He rolled his eyes dramaticallly.
“Convalescence? She just has a cold.” She answered laughing.
“Yeah, you tell her that”. Those two would never not tease one another. “Did something happen?”
She snapped her head at him and saw he was looking at her through narrowed eyes. “What do you mean?”
“Any mention of an afternoon of movies and popcorn with Eloise would leave you excited. What happened?” He asked, looking concerned.
“Oh it’s nothing. I’m fine.” She tried to deflect, but he wasn’t having it.
“You’re a terrible liar. Just tell me.”
“I’m not a terrible liar. You just think you know me too well” She said, poking her elbow at his belly.
“I do know you too well. Come on, out with it.” He was looking intently at her, but she just kept her head down. “Will I have to resort to the tickling technique? Because I will.”
“No, no, no! Don’t do that!” She was already squirming away, but it was too late. He caught her arms and started tickling her in the belly. All she could do was double in laughter and try to get out of his grasp.
“Fine, fine, I surrender!” She said, almost breathless already. She sighed when he stopped and her laughter died down. He would probably figure it out soon anyway. No use trying to hide it any further.
“It was Cressida”. He flinched when he said her name.
“What did she do this time?”
She sighed again. “She found out a while ago that I… well, that I have never kissed anyone” She could already feel her face in flames. She tried to hide it, but could see Colin widening his eyes.
“Oh…” He mumbled, not knowing what to say. This was so embarrassing.
“Pen, don’t be upset about it. It will happen when it’s supposed to happen” He said, staring deep into her eyes. They were so blue and soft she couldn’t look away. “Besides, soon that won’t even matter anymore. You’ll have others and then that’s all it’ll be. A kiss.”
She widened her eyes a bit. Yes, he was right. It was only a kiss. What harm could it do? She just had the craziest idea, but now that it was running through her head, she couldn’t stop it.
She didn’t want the ghost of a nonexistent kiss to be hanging above her head. She just wanted to be done with it. Once she had her first kiss, she would no longer be “Penelope, that junior girl who has never been kissed”. Even if it was just for herself.
And wouldn’t it be wonderful if she had her first kiss with Colin Bridgerton? That was the most terrifying thought she ever had. Her mind couldn’t stop racing. She knew it probably wouldn’t even be fair to ask him something like that, knowing he didn’t reciprocate her feelings.
But the truth was that while Colin was the person she was most afraid to ask, he was also the only one in the world she could imagine asking something like this to. She knew he would be kind. Even if he said no, he would never make fun of her or be cruel about it.
Right now, in this very situation, she could ask it like it was only a favor. Like he would be relieving her of that label hanging above her head. He didn’t need to know about her feelings for him. Things didn’t need to get weird afterwards. Or even if he denied it. It could be just that. A favor. A kiss. Her very first kiss.
Penelope was almost dismissing the idea completely, but something about that day ticked her off. She didn’t want to be cowering in the corner every time. Not being able to say the things she wanted. She wanted to be brave. Just like Eloise was.
She looked at Colin and saw that he was waiting for her to say something. So before she could change her mind, she said “Colin, would you do me a favor?”
“Sure, what is it?” He said. Her heart was almost coming out through her mouth.
“Would you kiss me?”
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Colin’s mind couldn’t stop turning. It was like the minute Penelope said those words, he suddenly saw himself in the verge of a precipice he didn’t even saw he was approaching.
“What?” He gasped, eyes wild. His mouth hadn’t been able to catch up with his head yet.
“It wouldn’t mean anything, I promise… I- I wouldn’t expect anything from you. It’s just…” She stammered. “It’s just a favor. So that Cressida can’t tease me about this anymore.”
“Pen… I- I…” She cut him off.
“I wouldn’t tell anyone it was you, don’t worry.” She lowered her head and avoided his eyes, like it was very difficult to get the words out. “I just don’t want her to have this over me anymore.”
His stomach twisted. Seeing Penelope like this was a punch in the gut. He would kill Cressida for doing this to her. Colin didn’t want to act like Penelope needed to be protected or that she couldn’t defend herself, because he knew she could. But he was just so angry when these idiots at school hurt her.
“Pen, you’re only 16. I’m sure it’ll happen soon enough…” He said.
“It won’t! It won’t, Colin. It didn’t happen during freshman year, it didn’t happen during sophomore year and it won’t happen during senior year as well.” The words raced out of mouth, it was like she couldn’t stop them now.
“I know it’s silly. I know it shoudn’t bother me this much. But it does… The truth is… I don’t want to finish high school without knowing what it feels like. And then go to college without knowing what it feels like. Like I have missed out on something.” She finally finished and her face was all red. She looked like she was about to sprint out of there at any second.
His heart couldn’t stop racing. It felt like it was beating on his throat and it wouldn’t ever go back to normal.
Penelope was one of the most important people in the world for him, alongside with his family. He would do anything for her. To see her smile.
In the beginning, she had only been the best friend his sister dragged up and down, but before he could even notice she had become his best friend as well. It was just so easy to talk to her. Colin felt like they could talk about anything. About movies, and silly gossip from school, and their mutual love for literature. But also about more serious stuff. He felt like they understood each other.
She was one of his favorite companies, as well. She had this witty humour that not many people got to see, but that always made him laugh. And he loved making her laugh too. Her entire face brightened up and it was like a little ray of sunshine.
But somewhere in the back of his mind, he had some vague understanding that she probably had other sorts of feelings for him. He always tried not to dwell on it, because if he truly acknowledged it, it would make things a lot more complicated.
Because she was just his best friend. Right?
Then why was his mind stuck since the moment she asked him to kiss her? Why did it feel like he couldn’t possibly think about anything else? Like once she had pressed the shift button, all of this suddenly made sense.
He didn’t understand what was happening, but he knew he wanted to kiss her.
He looked at her and she was staring back at him with those big, beautiful eyes of hers. He felt his feet moving him towards her, like he had no control over them.
“Please” She whispered. And that was it. He was gone. He couldn’t stop himself anymore.
He would do anything for her. Specially this one thing that he so much wanted to.
So in a Friday like any other, under this tree in the back of school, Colin Bridgerton kissed Penelope Featherington. And his world was never the same again.
His lips touched hers slowly at first. Almost as soft as a whisper. He had one of his hands on her chin, tilting her head a little, and the other in her back. But her arms were limp beside her, she didn’t react for a few seconds.
Then his tongue touched her lips, asking permission. And it was like she had suddenly startled. She threw both her arms on his shoulders and he deepened his tongue, exploring her mouth further.
He could feel her breath quicken in his cheek and he knew his did too, but it honestly felt like he had forgotten how to breathe once his lips touched hers. Like all his breath had been sucked out of his lungs.
He had never felt anything like this. It was like he didn’t truly know what it was like to kiss someone until he kissed Penelope. All the kisses he had before with other girls felt like meaningless nonsense now. That was what kissing someone was supposed to feel like.
Colin pushed her closer because it felt like any closeness between them right now was still not enough. Then he nibbled at her lower lip lightly and Penelope moaned a little. He was going to lose his fucking mind.
He kept kissing until they both needed air and it must have been only for a minute or two, but it felt like hours. It felt like he could go on for ages.
He pulled apart a bit only to touch their foreheads. Then he caressed her cheek with his thumb and she slowly opened her eyes. They were so soft. She looked at him with such wonder in her eyes that his heart stuttered, skipping a beat.
“Pen…” But once he spoke it was like the magic had broken. She blinked many times and her face got all confused while she stepped away from him. Then something settled on her eyes when she said “Thank you”.
“What?” He had lost track of what was happening. His mind couldn’t keep up, he was suddenly adrift.
“Thank you for the favor” She repeated, and her eyes were all indifference now. “I promise I won’t tell anyone it was you who kissed me”.
“Pen, I didn’t…” But he didn’t even had the time to figure out what he was going to say, she was already racing towards the school’s gate.
“Penelope, wait!” It was too late.
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Colin didn’t know what to do with himself. He couldn’t stop thinking about that kiss all weekend. All he could think about were those soft lips and her beautiful eyes and that smile. That damn smile that always warmed his heart.
When did he start thinking about her like this? He just wanted to kiss Penelope again.
He always thought of her as his best friend, but when he kissed her it was like a light had been flipped on. He could not unsee it now. He didn’t know when he had started feelings the things he was feeling, but once he could see them, it all made a lot more sense. He felt like the blindest fool on earth.
Colin had never been in love before, so he didn’t have anything to compare it to. But he knew he had never felt anything like this in his life. He was in love with Penelope. And he needed to tell her that.
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Penelope didn’t know how she could have thought of such a stupid idea. Of course once she kissed Colin she’d never be able to recover from it. Of course once she kissed him she’d never want to let go of him.
Walking away from him in that backyard was one of the hardest things for her to do. But if she hadn’t, she’d have started crying right there in front of him. So much for trying to be brave.
It was like walking into an alternate reality as soon as his lips touched hers. A reality where she could have the things she dreamed about. A reality where Colin Bridgerton could fall in love with her.
It felt like so much more than she could ever imagine. So much better than the limits her mind was able to create. The real thing felt like a piece of very precious jewel had just been freely given to her. Penelope didn’t know how she could ever forget it.
It didn’t even seem like he felt forced to do it. Like he did it only out of pity. Either Colin was very good at pretending or she was letting herself get too carried away.
But she knew him well enough to know that the first option wasn’t really true, at least not with her. And God, the way he had looked at her…
She had almost decided to skip school on Monday. But then she’d have to face him on Tuesday anyway and what would be the difference? She certainly wouldn’t feel any differently.
Besides, Eloise would only get suspicious if she started shrinking away. So she went to school. She had been able to dodge him before both of them went to their classes, but it was now class break and she didn’t think she’d have the same luck.
Except it wasn’t Colin who she saw first. She was standing on the patio having mindless conversation with Eloise when Cressida approached them, arms linked with one of her friends.
“Penelope, I just had the most wonderful idea! Why don’t you come to Alina’s house party this weekend? I think I know someone that would be perfect for your first kiss, I could play cupid for you” She said with the sweetest of smiles.
How old was she anyway? Penelope knows sixteen isn’t really much, but even a child of twelve could be more mature than Cressida. She didn’t know what kind of humiliation she had in mind this time, but she was fucking tired of it.
Eloise scoffed beside her and said “Why don’t you just stop being a bitch, Cressida?”
“I’m just trying to help her” She was so fake it made Penelope want to crawl her eyes out. She was not going to shrug away this time.
“I don’t need your help, Cressida. I’ve already had my first kiss, thank you.” She could feel both her and Eloise widening their eyes.
Eloise was gaping at her, like she didn’t understand what the hell she was doing. She just nodded her head a little and looked firmly in her eyes, which in best friend language meant “just go with it”. And she did. Remind her to hug Eloise later.
“With who?” Cressida screeched.
“With one of my neighbors. It’s none of your business. But your help isn’t needed anymore.” She emphasized that part, just so she knew Penelope understood exactly what kind of help she had been offering.
At that moment, Colin joined the group, throwing an angry glare at Cressida’s direction. She hadn’t even seen him approach. Her heart started beating like crazy and suddenly Cressida was the last thing in her mind.
“Pen, can I talk with you for a second?” He asked. There was no delaying it now.
“Yeah, sure” She said. Eloise linked their arms and started walking away with her. Once they were far from Cressida, Colin turned at her and said “I meant only Penelope, El”.
Eloise just stood in silence for five full seconds before narrowing her eyes and asking “What is going on here?”, with a voice that clearly indicated she knew there was some information they weren’t sharing. How long would she be able to hide this from Eloise?
“Nothing, I just want to talk to her.” Colin said.
She stared at them a while longer before saying “Fine” and walking away. But she knew this conversation was very far from over.
Colin guided her to that same spot under the tree. She felt like her heart could come out of her mouth any second now. She didn’t want to look him in the eyes, but his gaze was so intense that it was impossible to look away.
He drew in a big breath and then before she could understand what was happening, he was kissing her again. Like this, out of nowhere.
She had spent the entire weekend replaying that moment in her head. Wishing for it to happen again, but knowing it probably never would. And then here he was, giving it to her before she could say a word.
She couldn’t understand what was happening, but she reacted faster this time. She opened her mouth for him and wrapped her arms around his neck, slipping her fingers through his hair.
It didn’t last very long. Soon he pulled away and stared deep into her eyes. “You don’t need to hide who your first kiss was with. Because I plan on giving you many others kisses.”
Her brain was fizzling out, it was the only explanation. She jumped away from him before her legs gave out.
“W-What? What’s going on here, Colin? Don’t joke about this.” She stammered.
“I could never joke about this. I’ve never been more serious in my life” He came closer to her and held her hand again.
“Then what did you mean by that? It was a favor, you’ve already given me my first kiss…” But he never let her finish before he completely blew her mind.
“It wasn’t just a favor for me. I had been a fool before, but it could never be just a favor” His eyes looked like he was begging her to understand, to not pull away. “I’m sorry it took me so long to realize it Pen, but I’m in love with you.”
She didn’t know how to breathe again. It wasn’t possible. Colin only ever saw her as a best friend, nothing else. That was the one certainty Penelope had in life. How could it be true?
And yet, she knew he wouldn’t lie about this. Not to her, not about something like this.
“How is it possible?” She whispered, never looking away from his eyes. It felt too good to be real.
“Because you’re the most beautiful person I know, Penelope. Inside and out. You’re the one I go to when I want to share something. And every time you smile it feels like I’ve won something precious.” He said, and he looked nervous but his smile was still breathtaking. “Things just feel right with you. I was just too blind to see it before.”
Penelope felt her eyes water a bit. She didn’t know she could’ve had a moment as perfect as this. But she wasn’t going to let it go to waste. This time it was her who kissed him.
In the end, Colin had been right. Her first kiss would just be one more kiss. Because they would still have many others in their future.