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Sunny stood in front of a white door.
It was not unlike White Space’s door, especially with the sheer amount of white that surrounded him. The only outlying colors were the green of the occasional potted plant, and the silver of metal benches, wheelchairs, and IV poles.
And just like White Space’s door, his friends would be on the other side.
Except here, Sunny couldn’t see out of his right eye. Aubrey would have that vibrant pink hair and would have overtaken him in height. Kel would be wearing a jersey and shorts, and be tall enough to reach a basketball hoop without jumping. Hero would be towering above them all, wearing a neat polo shirt and an easy smile.
Sunny’s hand hovered over the doorknob. Emotions cluttered around his fingers, whirled in his mind, and pulled at his shoulders. The only thing beating back that weight was the memories of their youth - of their friendship. Memories tinted by watermelons and cookies, of rain and snow, of picnics and treehouses.
The memories of sneaking out late at night with Kel to go to Hobbez. The memory of asking Hero for help baking cookies for Mari’s birthday. The memory of “sleeping” on Audrey’s shoulder on the car ride home after the beach. The memory of dirt covered hands as he helped Basil plant the first sunflowers in his garden.
The memory of sleeping on Mari’s lap in a moment of calm during a picnic. The memory of huddling under the same blanket as they watched movies together while their parents were out late. The memory of embracing one another after a long night of practice - and even though he gave awkward hugs she always made them special. The memory of her smile as she and Hero did simple, quiet things together. The memory of her genuine laughter over a bad joke he had made. The memory of the way her hands glided across the keys of a piano with ease, no matter the occasion.
As these once again washed over him, he felt the weight in his mind abate for a single moment.
He opened the door.
For a second, they didn’t notice him enter.
He saw Basil had a black eye, and bandages for the small cuts around his face. Yet despite all the injuries and the bags under his eyes, he seemed to be sleeping soundly.
Sunny tried not to think about how he caused those injuries, or how he was the reason those eyebags were so deep.
He tried not to think about the pain in his eye. It helped that he knew he deserved it.
Aubrey, Hero, and Kel surrounded Basil’s bed, wearing various shades of worry and concern. Though not quite as deep or ingrained as Basil’s, they also held bags under their eyes.
That observation made him wonder how long they’d been out. Just how long have they been worrying about them?
Sunny closed the door to the room.
They looked towards the noise. To him.
He swallowed.
The courage and bravado that willed him awake were growing weaker. He hesitated but urged his lungs to give - to make any word, any noise. He just needed to start.
“I have something to tell you.” Sunny spoke. He could feel the discomfort in his throat from years of disuse.
He came here to tell them the truth. But where should he start? There were so many things to say.
He thought back to the memories and he remembered - “The photo album.” It wasn’t his first or greatest crime, but it would be a good start. “I-I was the one who scribbled out everyone’s faces.”
They looked at each other, confusion being the easiest emotion to recognize.
Shockingly, Kel was the first to speak up. “What? Why? Wait-- then why did Basil keep it like that? Why--
“Why didn’t he say anything?!” Aubrey finished, voice rife with confusion and regret and anger.
Hearing them - hearing their voices. It was shattering his courage.
His voice took a little more effort to use. The answer wasn’t one he liked either. “He-- Basil did it to protect me. Basil’s like that. Too kind for his own good.” Sunny looked down, “Even when he probably shouldn’t, he protects me.”
Sunny tried not to look at how Aubrey looked so distraught. So guilty. She bullied Basil for something he didn’t do. Bullied him relentlessly for it. Nearly killed him over it.
And he was the reason.
Hero, ever the mediator, spoke up. “Now, now. I’m sure we can all get past this. It’s all in the past--
“I’m not done.” The words left his lips quietly, but forcefully.
They all stopped. They looked at him. The weight of their gaze was immense. His throat was closing up, choking him. He looked down again.
“I…” Sunny was having trouble finding the words.
He knew what came next. He could feel the sting of tears in his eye. The fear of their hatred and disgust gripped his heart like a web. His chest tightened, his heart clenched.
“I’m the reason Mari died.”
They looked at each other again, before Hero spoke up again, a gentleness in his face and voice. “Sunny, you can’t blame yourself for something Mari--
“She didn’t commit suicide.”
Confusion once again washed over them all, but now it was laced with a small tinge of fear. Hero muttered a quiet, What? to himself. Kel and Audrey held similar responses.
“I…” His mouth was dry. “That day, I was panicking about the recital. I told Mari I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t good enough-didn’t care to be good enough. Playing the violin frustrated me, at times. I didn’t want to go. I…”
The Christmas gift. The present that took months of work and pay from each of them to buy. The biggest shoo-in he had with Mari’s quickly filling schedule… back then. The single greatest object he cherished the most - a symbol of love and friendship.
He closed his eye in a meager attempt to focus and avoid looking at their faces. To prevent the tears that are coming, the tears that already blurred the edges of his vision.
God, his heart was beating so fast.
“I--I broke my violin. Threw it down the stairs.”
He heard a gasp, but he couldn’t tell from who.
“We got into an argument. A stupid, dumb argument. And I--I got so mad! ” he sobbed, at that. His voice was so weak now. It cracked and broke every word. “I loved her. I loved her so much! And I--”
Sunny remembered how big Mari smiled when he finished his first song. He remembered how she tousled his hair as he slept on her lap. He remembered playfully throwing flour at one another as they made cookies. He remembered her crying, relieved face as he coughed up water as she pulled him out and onto the shore of the lake.
He remembered her hugs. How she always made an effort to show her love for others.
He fell to his knees, tears were streaming down his face. “I pushed her!”
He didn’t know if the others responded or made any noise - he couldn’t hear past the blood rushing in his ears, the deafening staccato in his chest. Besides, the words wouldn’t stop pouring now.
“I-I didn’t mean to push her so hard! I didn’t think she would fall down the stairs. I-I…” he took a warbled, shaky breath, that did not help him breathe, “Basil saw. He helped me carry her to her bed - we hoped she would wake up!”
He was no longer closing his eye, but he still couldn’t see past all the tears.
What came next was harder. It was worse. But it was perhaps the most important - for Basil.
It took what felt like an eternity to gather his breath for the next part. “I sat next to her for… it felt like hours. I--we were despondent. But Basil,” he sobbed an affectionate laugh, “Basil wanted to protect me, even when he shouldn’t have. We--we took her body…”
Every ounce of bravado and courage that fueled him had long since burnt out. Nothing remained. But despite that, he needed to finish.
“We hung her.”
He sobbed. And he shook and he cried while tears poured down his face as he thought about his friends and Mari and it just didn’t stop!
“I-it haunts m-me. Every single day! Every time I walk down those stairs, every time I’m alone and the dark swallows me, every time I’m in the dark I see her--” he tries to grip the ground, but it’s tile and his fingers find no purchase. “I--It haunts Basil so much. He doesn’t deserve that guilt and blame he carries every day! None of you deserve to live a lie that I…”
Sunny looked up at them - he couldn’t make out anything on their faces through all the tears. “ I--I’m so sorry! ” he felt like he was screaming, but heard only a hoarse cry leave his mouth. “I let you believe in a lie! I--I betrayed your trust and love in the most horrible way possible! You’ve done nothing but love and care for me and I gave nothing in return! Worse, I stomped over it, crushed it! I… I mutilated Mari’s memory! I-I’m so sorr--! ”
His voice broke. Completely. Again, he tried to speak, but all that came was a wheezed hhh of his breath. He wanted to apologize again and again, each of them deserving their own dedicated apology. But his voice couldn’t give him anything more. The only thing that left his lips were strangled cries and hoarse coughs.
Even still, he couldn’t stop thinking about Mari, he couldn’t stop thinking about Hero, He couldn’t stop thinking about Aubrey, he couldn’t stop thinking about Kel. The memories they all made together! He couldn’t--
He bawled and shook and struggled to breathe with every shaky intake his lungs took. Tears and snot streaked down his face despite how tight his eye squeezed shut. He could feel the weight of their gaze, knowing that they probably despised him with every fiber of their being. He deserves it. He deserves every ounce of fury, every shred of disgust--
Someone hugged him.
He felt tears that (somehow) weren’t his own fall onto his shoulder. He felt hands that were so soft despite the calluses on their palms. He felt the worn softness that a jacket can only get through the wear of time. He felt brave for that one, precious moment - just enough to open his eye again.
Pink filled Sunny’s vision.
~ ~ ~
Aubrey was shaking. Shock was the only emotion she could pinpoint - everything else just blurred together into a stormy static that stuffed her ears. Yet despite this static, she listened to every word that came out of Sunny’s mouth. Intently. Every stumble in his words, every time he needed to breathe just to continue.
When Sunny told them the truth, the whole truth? That same static filled her vision, but it was red.
Of course this psycho killed Mari! He was nuts. He stabbed me! She put a hand over the bandaged cut on her arm. Of course he scribbled out their faces! Of course he forced Basil to take all the blame! Her free hand balled into a fist. She felt a fury in her lungs as she prepared to shout--
Sunny looked up at them. She saw the tears streaming down only half of his face. The bandage across his eye. There was misery and fear within every detail of his expression. She’d never seen him this scared. This alone.
“ I--I’m so sorry! ” He spoke, his voice a hoarse whisper. She could practically hear his vocal cords straining.
The static left her ears and eyes, and the fog in her mind faded to the background. Sadness and guilt took its place.
Aubrey, for the first time in a while, truly looked at Sunny. His skin was so pale he was close to blending into the white walls and tiles of the hospital. He was so very thin and sallow - she remembered seeing the unfinished meals in his kitchen. She remembered that the cut on her arm was actually incredibly shallow - there was hardly any strength behind him in any of their fights.
Dread overcame her as she thought about the reason why he would have a knife on him. How he’d been so alone in that dark house. How he’d had it on him when Kel knocked on the door that first day.
A memory returned to her. Breaking down Basil’s door in the middle of the night - seeing them both covered in blood, but Basil was the only one with a weapon. Scissors. She remembered the fresh cuts across Sunny’s palms and arms - like he had been gripping something sharp. She remembered how comparatively few wounds Basil sported.
What was Basil planning to do that night?
It wasn’t much longer until Sunny’s voice failed him. Years of disuse and today a fountain of words and sobs and cries? It’s a wonder he lasted this long. A pain settled into her chest when she thought about how raw and dry his throat must be.
Aubrey looked at Sunny, before looking down and remembered pushing Basil. How, in the heat of the moment, she pushed harder than she intended - forgot that they were on a dock. An accident. A mistake.
It dawned on her - just how lucky she was. Basil fell under so quickly. Sunny leaped in the water so fast. Hero had arrived just in time to save them both. But if he hadn’t…? She remembered--no, she felt the guilt of that day weigh heavy on her shoulders, and she had felt that weight nearly every hour since.
She was lucky.
When she looked at Sunny, who looked so small? So earnest? So scared?
He hadn’t been lucky.
And that was four years ago.
Before she knew it, she was at Sunny’s side, holding him tightly, nestling her face into his shoulder. The fact that she was crying was a distant thought in her mind, she just focused on holding Sunny - being there for Sunny.
She didn’t know what to say. What could she say? Nothing seemed like it would help. But she felt like Sunny might slip through her fingers if she didn’t hold him tight enough.
It came to her. “You--you could’ve told us! You shouldn’t have been so alone !”
Alone. Like she had been.
When she said those words, Sunny relaxed in her arms. He put his own around her back so lightly, so tentatively. Like at a moment’s notice she would walk away, and he wouldn’t have resisted.
They stayed like that for a while. Intertwined and resting on one another’s shoulders on the cold tile.
“I--I…” Sunny began, voice barely above a whisper, but desperate to speak. “ I loved her! So much! A-and I-- ”
She felt two more pairs of arms surround them. Kel and Hero’s.
For once, Kel was quiet. But his stalwart affection and friendship were undeniable.
“I once made the mistake of not being there for people who I cared about.” Hero spoke - a gentle whisper as their heads were all collected together. “Back then, I also made the mistake of lashing out at someone I cared about.”
This was news to her. Hero? Angry?
Hero continued, “Regret and I - we’re familiar bedfellows. A long time ago I decided I wouldn’t lash out again. I would be there for others when they needed me.” He put a hand on Sunny’s head, “I’m not going to leave. Not now. Not when you need me. Need us .”
Kel chuckled, “We’re friends! It’s that simple, Sunny.”
As they sat there, Aubrey felt Sunny’s breath slowly steady. “Y-you shouldn’t--! Why are you--
Aubrey bonked Sunny’s head with her own. “Because we love you, dummy.”
He began crying again, but slowly, she could see his smile creep up, and oh so often she heard an affectionate laugh between sobs and hiccups.
Make no mistake - it would take time. But they would overcome this.
She could feel it.
She had a feeling Sunny did too.