Chapter Text
I'm pretty sure this is from the book of Mathew
16. Simon answered, “Bro, You’re pretty cool, kinda god-like, no homo.”
17. And Jesus said to him, “No u, Simon Barjona, cuz you don’t like me because of how fucking godly I look, but because you like my incredible personality.
18. Also, bro, I’m calling you Peter from now on, lol, cuz it means... uh... rock. And upon this rock I will build My love for you, bro; and the gates of Hell will not overpower it. So, bro... all the homo.
54. Then they seized Jesus and led him away, bringing him into the high priest's house, and Peter was following at a distance (five feet apart cuz he’s not gay).
55. And when some dweebs kindled a fire in the middle of the courtyard and sat down in a slightly demonic looking circle, Peter sat down among them, y’know, trying to fit in with the straights.
56. Then a servant girl, seeing him as he sat in the light and looking closely at him, said, “Oi, you and that Jesus guy are together, right?”
57. But he denied it, saying, “miss me with that gay shit.”
58. And a little later someone else saw him and said, “Yeah, you and him were definitely a thing.” But Peter said, “dude, I aint gay.”
59. And after an interval of about an hour still another insisted, saying, “Certainly this man and Jesus were together, for he too is a gaylord.”
60. But Peter said, “Man, I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.” And immediately, while he was still speaking, the rooster crowed.
61. And the Lad up in heaven looked down at Peter. And Peter remembered that his Jesus said something like, “Before the rooster crows today, you will say ‘no homo’ three times, lol.”
62. And then Simon, being the pussy that he is, went out and wept bitterly.
15. “When they had finished eating their dinner for two, Jesus said to Simon Peter, ‘Hey Simon, do you love me?’
‘Pfft, what a fucking dumb question,’ he said, ‘you know I love you, man.’
Jesus said, ‘Ok then :)’
16. Again Jesus said, later on in their date, ‘Simon, do you really love me? More than others?’
He answered, ‘Yeah, Jesus, you know I love you. You're my one true love.’
Jesus said, ‘That’s really cool dude.”
17. at the end of the night, Jesus asked a third time, ‘Simon, sorry I keep asking, but um do you actually love me? I just, uh, want to be sure. Sorry I'm being clingy’
Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, ‘Do you love me?’ He said, ‘Jesus, you’re supposed to be god, right? So, you know all things, right? You know that, yes, I do love you. More than life. More than anything and anyone in this entire fucking universe. I fucking love you so much.’
Jesus said, ‘I love you too, Simon ’
Note: Some haters may say that Jesus and John were in love, but no, look at that homo between Peter and Jesus. John was like a brother to Jesus, but Simon Peter was so much more!