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She breathed in deep as it hit her. The crushing wave of knowing; truly knowing, that this was the final moment of her life as she knew it.
The stage ascended and Chaeyoung was met with overwhelming noise. The screams of fans seemed to penetrate her in a wave that rocked her whole body. The lights blinded her while she adjusted to them and her heart raced so fast she thought she might faint. All she could do was breathe. So she did.
With every breath her heart slowed and she was left with this buzzing that made her want to spin around until she felt like she was floating. She was floating, wasn’t she? She couldn’t be sure, but she figured this was as close as it got. As the subtle countdown started in her ear, signalling her that the first song was about to begin, she raised the microphone to her lips and she sang.
God did she sing.
She released every ounce of air from her lungs and every note travelled through the stadium with the same dizzying feeling of flight that she had. High above the ground, she imagined the way the words danced. The way they grabbed at every fan present in the stadium and shook them awake with the jarring notion that they were alive and this moment would forever be memorialized in their minds in flashing lights and warm nostalgia. Like an embrace from a loved one welcoming them home, this moment would metastasis into blissful euphoria, forever.
Chaeyoung hoped that much at least. It’d be unfair for this moment to carry on in her in such a way and not persist the same for everyone she was sharing it with, afterall.
That hadn’t been the first time Chaeyoung was sure she’d had a life altering moment though.
The earliest she could recall was back when she wrote her first song. It had been a silly little thing that she would’ve been embarrassed to claim at this age, but she’d felt it then. The same sensation took over her body like a jolt of electricity had been triggered and she was certain nothing would ever be the same.
Her song had been about a crush. Oh how certain she was that she fell in love wholeheartedly with the boy who happened to run into her as she walked in the halls between classes. Looking back, Chaeyoung knew that the thought of forever hadn’t crossed his mind as he barely apologized before scurrying off to catch his friends who promptly chastised him, but the embarrassed look that Chaeyoung saw on his face, she decided, was the most adorable look she’d ever seen.
Perhaps that had been a mild over exaggeration, but it had prompted her to put pen to paper and tentative fingers to guitar strings and with every thrum of a chord, Chaeyoung was certain that she couldn’t imagine herself doing anything else.
She’d found her passion; how lucky she felt to have done so, so soon.
The next time she’d felt it, the pounding of music blared over head too. It was a common theme she’d found in these moments. Her members stood breathless beside her in posed positions while they waited for the beat to fade out. This had been their first serious evaluation as a group.
As Chaeyoung stared at their trainers, trying to keep the sweat from dripping into her eyes while her limbs threatened to give out, she’d felt it then. Her heart seemed to thump in her ears louder than the music and that same buzzing overcame her with ferocity. Some might call it adrenaline, and they wouldn’t be wrong, but this was more and Chaeyoung knew it. Her gut told her that this was the moment. This was the time when everything would fall into place and she would escape the endless carnival game of being a trainee where losing seemed evermore likely as time passed on. This was her group. She knew it then and there, whether the trainers were aware or not.
She’d eaten dinner with the girls that night. At first, dinner went as per usual. Laughing and joking and complaining about how they all ached from the grueling day, but then things shifted. The girls began analysing their performance from earlier.
Jennie quietly apologized for being a bit off beat in the choreo for the second verse. She’d been right on time as far as Chaeyoung was concerned.
Jisoo agreed that she should have pushed harder to sustain her note in the ending chorus. Chaeyoung couldn’t remember anything wrong with the jaw-dropping note Jisoo had managed to produce.
Lisa choked up as she said she wished she could’ve danced harder for everyone, to prove that they belonged together as a group. Chaeyoung simply couldn’t understand.
“You were perfect.”
Chaeyoung’s hand clasped onto Lisa’s before she had a chance to think. Making dead eye contact she said those words with no hesitation, no wavering of opinion or doubt to be found. Lisa stared back at her seemingly ready to cry but quickly found the support of the other two girls at the table as she was enveloped in a group hug.
She cried regardless.
It had been about 6 months since that first concert. Chaeyoung thought of it warmly as the night air in Paris blew her hair to the side. She heard the patio door open behind her and saw that it was Lisa who had come to join her.
In silence, Lisa came to lean against the balcony alongside Chaeyoung and while a word wasn’t spoken, Chaeyoung felt indescribably warm.
The lights before them shined brightly while the streets below seemed hushed from their position so high up. It felt isolating in the most wonderful way; a way that only someone followed by cameras could truly appreciate and Chaeyoung couldn’t help but think that it was all so beautiful.
Chaeyoung looked to Lisa, to see if she too was enjoying the wonder of the view, but before a word could leave her lips, Chaeyoung’s voice seemed to float away from her like it had at their first concert. This was somehow different though. Instead of floating, it felt as though the words had been forcibly ripped from her being. The sensation of choking overtook her but it wasn’t something a simple cough could fix.
As she stared at Lisa, Chaeyoung was overcome with the person beside her. Lisa’s face was illuminated by the lights Chaeyoung had thought were so pretty. Now though, now they caressed every subtle arch of cheekbone and sharp edge of jaw that graced Lisa's features. Like a fireplace in a winter cabin, Lisa suddenly became the only source of warmth Chaeyoung could feel.
With every gust of wind, Chaeyoung felt herself drawn to Lisa like a moth to a flame and it took everything in her not to reach out and brush her fingers across the length of Lisa’s face just to see if it was as warm as she imagined it to be.
Lisa’s lips seemed to twist into a subtle smile as a laugh escaped her easily. Her head tilted back slightly and Chaeyoung felt as her chest tightened with a suspended breath.
Lisa laughed and Chaeyoung saw her breathe in the ecstasy of it all. The simplicity of being where they were and the excitement in the air circled Lisa in one large embrace. It pulled her in and magnified it’s light for her.
Chaeyoung felt as her heart stopped.
Her gut screamed at her while the world seemed to narrow in size. All that existed, all that had ever existed stood right in front of her in giggling perfection.
“Perfect.”
The word left in hushed tones over Chaeyoung’s lips and she almost had not recognized it as her own voice.
Lisa stopped laughing and turned her head to face Chaeyoung. A confused look accompanied her stare but Chaeyoung couldn’t have repeated herself even if she’d wanted to.
In that soundless moment of tunnel vision where not even her heart made a sound, Chaeyoung was forced to accept her new reality in an instant.
This was the final moment of her life as she knew it.