Archive of Our Own

A deafening silence was enveloping them, their eyes on the view of a thousand stars above them, with tensed shoulders and seemed to be bitten tongue, no one dares to speak between Haruto and Jeongwoo. They just remained standing in there, with their arms resting on the railings.

No one told them it'll be this hard.

It was given already though, from those romance movies where two people go awkward whenever they realize their feelings for the other. But in their case, it's different.

Jeongwoo knew himself that he knew Haruto more than anyone else, and that he can easily guess whatever Haruto is up to just by looking at those raven-like orbs of him. And the same goes for Jeongwoo.

He was never wrong about Haruto.

From the way he wants to eat takoyaki but is shy to tell him, or when he just stares up in the ceiling because he can't sleep, to the way he sways his hands when they were walking, and even when they are just simply staring at each other. He knows everything, and he was never wrong about Haruto as if he can see him through.

But now, what if he's wrong?

"So, what are we going to talk about?" Haruto finally asks, now looking at Jeongwoo who's avoiding his gazes.

Jeongwoo opens his mouth, but there's no word that made its way to be heard. Jeongwoo tries again, but no avail. He sighed in frustration. "Wait here," he said before walking near the bench where he left a boquet of unknown flowers. He took it and walked towards Haruto, handing the boquet to him.

Actions speak louder than words, I guess.

"Why are you giving me these?" asked Haruto, still eyeing at the rosemary flowers that Jeongwoo gave him. Jeongwoo shrugged his shoulders and looked up to the sky, letting the cold breeze of December hit him.

"Did you know that Greek scholars often wore a garland of that herb on their heads to help their memory during examinations? They believed that the plant helps to boost their memory and is essential to store knowledge." the tan-skinned muttered, still looking up in the sky as if he's counting the stars above them. Haruto's eyebrows turn to a knit, he chuckled.

"Do I look like I forgot something that I need to remember right away, Jeongwoo?" he joked, but to his surprise, the tan-skinned looked at him with a bitter smile plastered in his face, he nodded at him as he pats his shoulder.

"Yeah, you forgot that I was stucked here, still waiting for you." he answered plainly, and there's a sudden pinch in Haruto's heart.

He wasn't prepared.

"Jeongwoo—"

"No, Haru. I understand, really." he starts, looking at Haruto as he smiled bitterly, "Just, who am I to beat your first love?"

Haruto's words were cutted off, his mouth went shut and his mind went blank. Jeongwoo laughed sarcastically at Haruto's reaction, "See? Even you, have no clue who and how am I supposed to do it." he added.

There was silence, and of course; Jeongwoo's cries.

"I was curious, what am I to you, Haruto?" he asks,

Well, what is Jeongwoo to him?

Who is he to him?

Suddenly, Haruto's system was a burning pandemonium. He's full of questions he doesn't even know the answer— uncertainty filled him.

He wants Jeongwoo, he really does. But his past won't let him, the pain and trauma just won't. Even if they were healed by Jeongwoo already, he just can't.

He doesn't want Jeongwoo feel that he was being kept in company for his own benefit.

Whenever he's near, he feels safe. When his hands touches his, it felt divine. When Jeongwoo calls his name, it felt like he's on cloud nine. The way Jeongwoo caress his scalp and nape, sings him a song to his sleep, everything. Jeongwoo felt like, home. He's everything that Haruto can ever wish for, nothing more and nothing less.

It started to feel like, Jeongwoo was destined to meet him. As if Jeongwoo was born for him, and was destined to be with him. From the way they click together and enjoy the smallest things as if they are just the only person in the world, to the way that they never left each other when things go worse. Every single thing was too perfect for them, and it felt unreal.

But then, keeping him in his company felt like a dangerous comfort to him. The comfort he provides, it scares Haruto. Tons of what ifs appear and he just can't seem to stop himself from overthinking.

What if, he falls for him actually?

What if, he just loves Jeongwoo's company and not Jeongwoo himself?

What if, he ends up hurting him?

What if, Jeongwoo doesn't feel the same?

What if, Jeongwoo was just infatuated to him?

What if, he mistakes this as another dumb infatuation of his?

No matter how hard he thinks about it, none of his questions were answered. And it drives him crazy. He needs answers, and so does Jeongwoo.

"Haruto." Jeongwoo calls him, his voice was shaking due to his sobs. And by that, Haruto breaks down to tears. He sat down the ground and hugged his knees as he positioned his head in between.

He cried his heart out, along with his frustrations, anger, confused mind and heavy chest, he cried it all out. Isn't funny, how ironic this thing is?

Watanabe Haruto was so scared to hurt himself,

to the point that he ended up hurting Park Jeongwoo instead.

"Jeongwoo..."

"I'm sorry." Haruto cursed at himself internally, he can't even look at Jeongwoo the way he does before. He's scared to see him hurt, he's scared to see him mad and disappointed, he's scared at everything that involves Jeongwoo, he's scared.

Jeongwoo was silent, contrasting to what he actually was. He knows that when Haruto says sorry, he really is sorry. But in this situation? He can't seem to figure it out. What is he sorry for?

Was he sorry for being so scared?

Was he sorry for being a coward?

Was he sorry for hurting his feelings?

Was he sorry for not being able to reciprocate his feelings?

Was he sorry for not moving on earlier?

Was he sorry for using him?

"I don't understand you, Haruto. H-how can you be such a coward? It's been years! A-and I healed you! Why c-can't you open up for me? Why can't you just let me? Why—"

"Jeongwoo can you just shut up?! You don't understand, okay?!" Haruto raises his voice at him, grasping his air as he ran his fingers through his scalp, Jeongwoo was taken a step backwards. Fuck.

"Do you even know how hard it is for me to be so sure of myself, huh? How dare you call me a coward and look down on me? Fuck, Jeongwoo. What do you call yourself then, huh? A brave bastard who can easily confess his love to someone when all he can honestly feel for him was pity? Huh. You don't know anything, so just shut up!" he exclaimed, slamming the ground with his knuckles due to sudden range, he's now bleeding.

Jeongwoo was caught off guard, his mind went blank, "What did you said?" he asked, blinking continously.

"I didn't pitied you, Haruto. I never did." he confessed, trying to take a step closer to Haruto. Haruto just scoffed as he positioned his head between his knees again, he cries.

"Just, leave me alone, Woo." he pleaded, his chest felt so tight right at the moment he spat those words out. Jeongwoo shook his head, "No, I'm not going to."

"Fucking leave me alone, Park Jeongwoo! Stop confusing me, stop appearing in my life! Get lost and don't ever look for me again!" Haruto recklessly spat, maintaining his position as he just cried like that.

Jeongwoo was stopped, he couldn't move suddenly. His body felt so heavy, he was shaking terribly and he felt dizzy. "Is that w-what you want?" is all that what left his trembling lips.

Few sniffs escaped from Haruto before he answered, his voice was hoarse and he wasn't even breathing properly, "Please, Jeongwoo. Just....leave me alone." he plead.

With no other options left for him, Jeongwoo just nodded as he wiped his tears. He opens his mouth but there no word that comes out, he just scoffed as he walked away from Haruto, slowly.

Every heavy step that Jeongwoo makes, Haruto's heart breaks to pieces. He doesn't want him to go, he doesn't want him to leave. Oh, God. He doesn't want him to.

Why do I pull you close?

And then, ask you for space?

He lifted his head up, he's now alone in the rooftop where he used to spend his bored hours with Jeongwoo, under the thousand stars that he used to stare and count with Jeongwoo, in the ground where he used to sit beside Jeongwoo, along with the cold breeze that he used to share with Jeongwoo.

He's all alone.

Jeongwoo really left him.

He groaned loudly, so loud that maybe it'll be enough for Jeongwoo to hear downstairs. He runs a hand through his scalp, grasping his hair hard as his other hand punches the ground. Another drop of blood makes its way to the ground but Haruto didn't felt the pain at all.

What could hurt more, if his loved one just left him?

He wanted to call him back, but he just pushed him away. What's his right to do so? Even if he tries to remind Jeongwoo about his promise, it won't make the latter stay for him. Even if he says an apology to him, Jeongwoo won't accept it at all.

Jeongwoo really left him alone.

How did the even ended up like this? All that Haruto remembers is that, Jeongwoo came to his life and made his gloomy days go better. He helped him breathe, he helped him live. And now, he's all alone, along with the feelings that he has for Jeongwoo.

What a fucking coward.

With teary eyes, looking at the stars above, he whispers his name, along with the eight letters that he never had the courage to say to him.