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The candles had long since burned down, the food gone cold and your heart with it. You weren’t sure when things had changed. It felt like one day you woke up and suddenly he was distant and you were complacent.
James Buchanan ‘Bucky’ Barnes had crashed into your life unexpectedly, along with a young kitten named Alpine. You knew who he was. The former Winter Soldier. Captain America’s best friend. He had moved in across the hall from you. Rather, Captain America, Falcon, and he had all moved in across from you, the largest apartment in the building. You all but yelled at Natasha the next time you saw her at yoga. You knew she had something to do with the three very attractive men now living across from you.
“ And when you and Barnes get married, I’ll be your maid of honor and talk about how my plan worked,” she had said, a mischievous look on her face. You had stumbled on your words. You wondered how she knew about your crush on him, but you remembered who you were talking to. Natasha Romanoff, world-class assassin and spy.
She had been right. You and Bucky had hit two years of marriage. Your anniversary and he wasn’t there. No flowers. No note. Nothing. Not even a text. You had traded the apartment for a house and a small plot of land. You knew he wasn’t on a mission. Nat had been texting you. So had Steve. Your thoughts wandered to less than pleasant thoughts. If he wasn’t cheating, what other explanation could there be? You knew he was one of the last people who would cheat. But you couldn’t help that your mind wandered.
It had been months since he touched you. For all the talks of wanting to start a family, he was doing the exact opposite. You had gone back on the pill. On the off chance he did come home, that he did want to have sex, you weren’t so sure you wanted a baby with him, not anymore. Not with how he’d been acting. It had been four months since he’d last touched you. The vibrator you kept in your nightstand was the most action you had gotten.
You were tempted to trash his plate, but you couldn’t bring it in you to waste the food. You packed it away with the rest of the leftovers. You set about washing the dishes, anything to keep your mind off the fact that your marriage was crumbling around you. Alpine weaved between your legs, rubbing against them with a gentle meow as a plate slipped from your hands, shattering in the sink. You sliced your hand open in the process, just as the front door opened. You heard his footsteps and opted to ignore him instead, letting the water run over your wound.
“Doll? What are you all dressed up for?” Bucky’s voice came. Your eyes narrowed at the unspoken accusation in his tone. You knew for certain in that moment he had forgotten.
“You,” you snapped.
“Me? Oh...oh no. Please tell me I didn’t,” he started saying.
“You did. Happy anniversary, Barnes,” you replied, not even turning around. Instead, you opted to wrap a piece of paper towel around your hand. You heard him move further into the kitchen. He shut the water off and turned you toward him. There was a softness to his gaze that you hadn’t seen in so long.
“What happened?” he asked, taking your hand gently in his grasp.
“It shattered,” you said. In that moment, you felt like you were talking about more than just a silly plate. Your heart. Your marriage. If it wasn’t already shattered, it was threatening to. Held together by sheer force of will. There was one thing you were certain of. It was that he wasn’t cheating. It wasn’t in his nature. But you could smell the liquor on his breath, which meant he’d been at a bar.
“Let’s get you cleaned up, hm?” he asked. You pulled your hand away from his.
“I got it,” you said, turning away from him. You didn’t miss the hurt. But you couldn’t bring yourself to care. Not when you’d been hurting for months. Not when you had no idea what was going on with your husband. Had he simply grown bored? Were you no longer enough?
There was a time where your love was unpredictable. A time where Bucky would wake you up when he returned from a mission, just to make love with you. To reaffirm the connection you shared, the passion that had been ignited the day you met. But that time had passed.
“Doll, please,” he said.
“Why is this any different than anything else lately? I can clean up myself,” you said.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
“Sorry doesn’t change things. Sorry doesn’t change that it feels more like we’re roommates than husband and wife. You won’t talk to me. You don’t touch me. You go out and come home who knows when, smelling like you swam in a pool of whiskey. I can’t keep living like this,” you said, your voice raising slightly. For all the anger and hurt you felt, you still didn’t want to yell at him. You didn’t want to get into a screaming match. You wanted to know what was wrong. You wanted to know what had changed.
Bucky moved to stand in front of you. This time when he took your hand, you didn’t pull away as his other hand moved to cup your cheek, gently guiding you to look at him.
“I don’t have a good reason. I know I’ve been hurting you. I don’t want to be a burden. The mission I went on...we couldn’t save him. We couldn’t save him and it was on me,” he said. You thought back, trying to figure out what he was talking about. The team had gone on a mission somewhere in the midwest, taking down a new Hydra wannabe. You knew there had been casualties.
“Who?” you asked.
“This kid. Garth. He was fourteen. They...they manipulated him into doing their bidding. Into protecting them. We didn’t know, we didn’t know he was just a kid,” Bucky said, his voice cracking.
“Buck…,” you whispered.
“I started having nightmares. I was scared I would hurt you. We were trying to have a baby and all I thought was ‘I killed a child, how could I ever bring one into this world where their father is a murderer’,” he said. Tears were rolling down his face. You brought a hand up to wipe them away.
“Bucky, you didn’t know. It was life or death. Why didn’t you tell me?” you asked.
“I was afraid you’d leave,” he said, his voice barely more than a whisper.
“When I said in good times and in bad, I meant it, James Buchanan Barnes. Every word I said in our vows, I meant with my whole heart,” you replied. You drew him into a hug, ignoring the pain in your hand as you embraced him. You felt his shoulders shaking with silent sobs. You dragged him into the living room, to the couch, where you sat on his lap, arms wrapped around him as you whispered words of forgiveness, of reassurance.
It was well past midnight when things settled down. You were playing with his hair as the two of you sat in a comfortable silence.
“I think we should talk to a counselor. Separately and together,” you said. He nodded.
“I think that’s a good idea, doll,” he replied.
“I’ll call Pepper tomorrow, see if she knows anyone. For now, how about we go get ready for bed, unless you’re hungry. I can heat up dinner for you,” you said. He nodded, before picking you up and carrying you toward your shared bedroom.
There would be time for food in the morning.