Work Text:
Dearest brother,
Every morning, I wake up, look at myself in the mirror, and look at the right half of my face, just to see you again. It is so painful for me to wake up every day and realise that despite us having been born together, we will not die together. They always say that a twin knows you the best. A twin is with you since conception and has seen every side to you there is. That was us. How I wish it still were.
So much has happened since the accident. So much has changed. I even became Emperor in the middle - an honour you deserve so much more than me. I’ve lived through a thousand things that we promised we would live through together. Our empire, the Sith Empire, the Jedi and Republic… there’s a lot you would need to catch up on if you were brought back to life today. I have made a lot of mistakes after the accident, so I do not know whether you would still think of me as trustworthy. It hurts me to say it, but you have no reason to trust me after what all the mistakes I’ve done. After what I’ve done to you.
I will not bore you with the politics of today. I am writing this to get some sort of closure with you. Your death… it was so sudden, I barely had time to process what I had done. One moment I was running to attack Father, and the next, I was cradling you as the life faded out of your eyes. Anger takes control of people and makes them do things they will regret for the rest of their lives, and I am a living example of that statement. If I were to reverse one thing about the past, it would be that moment. I lunged at Father out of blind rage, and to what ends? For recognition, praise, love - everything I already had but was blind to. You and Mother - I just call her Senya now - already gave me those things every day, yet I shunned her, ignored you, and yearned for a prize that was unattainable, from a monster who didn’t feel a single thing, even when you died.
If I could switch places with you, I would. The accident was my fault, and I should have paid for it. You would not have made the same mistakes I have made so far in life. You were always the more level-headed one of the two of us, despite being more skilled. Father knew it too, that’s why he asked you to command the fleet. I came along anyway, and one might think that I paid the price for it with that explosion, but my anger resulted in your death. You paid for my faults with your life. I will never forgive myself.
The realisation that hits me nightmare after nightmare is that you were not trying to save Father, you were saving me. I would have never been able to kill him singlehandedly, and I would have been very severely punished if you had not pulled me back. Some things I cannot erase from memory, and some of those things are the shock in your eyes when I started attacking you. You were more skilled than me since childhood, yet you always, always waited for me, lifted me up, pulled me out, stayed by my side. All that skill and you were still unprepared - because you were fighting the person you cared about most. I remember the hurt look on your face, the pain and betrayal before your hand slipped away from mine - the one time I had to hold your hand, and I couldn’t pull you up. You slipped away from me. Forever.
We were inseparable. There’s a type of bond between us - we were born from the same mother on the same date, we ran through the fields of Zakuul in our shared childish innocence, we trained back to back, we fought side by side through every battle… I don’t think I can ever have with anyone else what I had with you. Our bond was stronger than almost anything else… I say almost because clearly, the power of anger and ambition can overshadow any love. That is why it is dangerous. I did not know the treasure I had until I destroyed it in search of empty glory, praise, and recognition. And ever since I felt your life fade away in the Force as you breathed your last in my arms, I have felt the deepest remorse for what I did. Once again, to what ends? My remorse is not going to bring you back. My guilt and regret will not undo my mistakes. You are gone forever, and it is my fault.
And now I cry. I cry when nightmares wake me up, I cry on our birthday, and I’m crying as I write this letter, knowing that nothing I do will return to me the thing I cherish the most, but only after it slipped away from me - your life. You. I still have your lightsaber. It shall forever be a reminder that I took your life. I shall hold onto it until I see you again.
Senya and I are the only members left of what was once a family of 5. Senya stays strong on the outside, but I have seen her other face - the face of a mother who has lost two children. She deserved so much better. I hope you and Vaylin are alright, wherever your spirit is. Vaylin deserved so much better too. I hope you’re taking good care of her until we reach there.
I know this sounds unbelievable, but I can still feel you sometimes. Maybe it’s just my imagination creating an imitation of your presence when I feel lonely to give me comfort, but I feel your spirit always with me whenever I reach out. Are you watching over me whenever I fight, laughing with me when I find joy, and trying to wipe my tears when I cry for you? I do not deserve it, but I hope you are. I did see you for a moment, when the galaxy came together to defeat our monster of a father. I wanted to talk to you, there was so much to say, yet I could barely speak, and when it was all over, you were gone again.
I have a thousand more words I would like to say, a million more feelings I find hard to pen down - I could keep going on. But I will save the rest for when we reunite. I would not be where I am today without you. For the rest of my life, stay with me, watch over me, and keep lifting me up whenever I fall. By the will of the Force, we will see each other again, and I will be able to cherish you the way you deserve to be cherished.
I love you so, so much, my missing half, my dearest twin brother, my Thexan.
Always yours,
Arcann.