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Johnny was never one to curse his own life. How could he? He was aware of his condition since he was born.
Yes, some people might think it was unfair and be mad at the world or at his own parents for it… Technically, it was their fault since when he was one year old, his mother fell from the stairs of their house while holding him, and because of that he hit his head and fucked up his auditory nerve.
He could blame her if he wanted, but he wouldn’t. It was an accident, she got hurt too, having to watch her only son grow up an outcast because of her. And his parents did try everything they could to reverse the situation by buying him hearing aids and trying a few surgeries. Nothing helped. Johnny was forever deaf.
So, yeah, he had enough reasons to curse life if he wanted. But he didn’t want to do it.
He didn’t do it because he knew that there was no use, it’s not like hating his condition would magically change it. So he just accepted and lived with it in the best way he could.
It’s not like he could miss something he never had.
Johnny lived for sixteen years, and in all those years he maintained this way of thinking: There is no use cursing life for something that is out of his control.
He always thought that he would never change his mind about this.
That was until the day Johnny met that boy.
He didn’t knew much about him.
He knew his name started with "Tae", but only because he had read his cute, pink, and pouty lips saying that specific syllable hundreds of times.
He knew that Tae - Johnny had never been able to identify what he said after, was it Yang? Young? Yong? He wasn’t sure - was a volunteer at the “disabled support center”.
Johnny always hated the center, but he attended it for insistence of his parents. Truth is that going to that place made him feel different from the others - less capable. Like his condition made him special in a bad way. The word “disabled” itself made him feel like he was less than everyone else, which simply wasn’t true.
But he never had the heart to tell this to his parents, because like everything else about his condition, it made his parents sad when Johnny felt like a misfit.
So he always hated the center. Another truth that he never thought it would change.
But that boy - the boy with big, bright brown eyes, a beautiful smile, skin like porcelain, and pink fluffy hair - changed everything from the moment Johnny first laid his eyes on him.
The last thing Johnny knew about him, was that he was also the kindest soul that ever graced that center. He was always the first to offer to help, always smiling, no matter gruesome or boring the task was, always paying attention to everyone’s needs, always listening.
That was the thing that made Johnny fall completely.
People always pretend to listen.
But not Tae. Tae actually listens. He cares.
Anyone could see that Tae cared about every single person in that center.
Well, every person but Johnny.
Not that Tae didn’t like him for some reason or, God forbid, had some kind of prejudice against Johnny.
It was actually quite the opposite.
Tae was always smiling at him and trying to reach out to Johnny. He tried to become close to him, to befriend him and show him kindness.
He had tried it ever since his first day there - but Johnny just couldn't let it happen.
At first, it was because Johnny just couldn’t speak with him. All the words, the signs, the gestures he knew, it all vanished from his mind.
All he could think was “How could anyone be so beautiful? Is he even real?”
It was the first time that this ever happened to him. He never felt his heart pounding so hard, his lips so dry and his cheeks so warm before. He never blanked before.
And for the first time in his life, his condition bothered him.
Not because he couldn’t speak. He was sure that if he could, he would be a mumbling mess.
No, it bothered him because he wanted to be able to hear that beautiful boy.
He wanted to know how his voice sounded… If it was just as beautiful as him.
He had talked about this with his parents once, before they were too affected by Johnny’s questions. He had asked what voices were like, and they said that people's voices were different, some were soft, some low, and some could be melodious.
He had no idea what any of it meant and couldn't imagine what any of those sounds were like, but, at that moment, he wished he could understand what all that meant. He wanted to know what sounds were like and, more than anything, he wanted to know how Tae would sound like. How would his laughter sound like?
He wanted to be able to talk to him.
Not with signs or gestures.
He wanted to be able to use all the words he had learned while reading and wondered what the pronunciation would sound like. He wanted to tell a funny joke and make him laugh ... To hear his laughter.
He wished that he could say what he felt. With real words. But that would be an "I love you" that he could never say.
He wanted to hear Tae say it back to him. With his unknown voice. But that was an "I love you" that he could never hear.
For the first time in his sixteen years, Johnny cursed life.
After that day, Johnny avoided Tae. Not only once, but every time that he tried to approach him with his beautiful smile and infinite kindness.
He did that because he realized that being close to Tae would make him wish for impossible things. Because it didn’t matter how much he cursed his life, how many times he cried about it, his condition wouldn’t change. He would never be able to hear. So it was less painful to just watch him from a distance.
But it didn’t matter how many times Johnny pushed him away, Tae never gave up trying to get closer to Johnny. Every Tuesday at noon, when Johnny came to spend a few hours on the center, Tae would flash him that beautiful kind smile, hoping that this would be the day that Johnny would finally speak with him.
But Johnny would just look away and sit on the corner. He would spend his afternoon sitting on the same spot, pretending to browse on his phone while watching Tae be kind to the other people in the center.
Every time he would want to get up and get close to him. To start a conversation, learn more about him, maybe learn his full name, to tell him a funny joke and make him laugh. Maybe even ask him on a date... But he would never do it.
Because deep down he knew that it would be more painful if he did all those things.
He would never learn Tae’s full name, never tell him a funny joke, never hear him laugh.
And even if he did, it wouldn’t matter.
Because he would never hear Tae say that he loved him back.
And that hurt too much to risk.