Chapter Text
Seungmin’s POV:
Seungmin had a little secret.
Quite literally.
He was a little, and he hadn’t told any of his close friends or family members about it, including the members.
It had been a rough journey for him, figuring out about his little side while he was a highschooler going through the transition of childhood to adulthood. Quite ironic, as it ended up with him embracing his childlike side as it was necessary to keep him at bay with his adult responsibilities and worries. Especially now being a part of Stray Kids. Although being an idol was his dream and everything he ever could’ve hoped for, the idol life wasn’t easy. It was just as stressful, or more stressful, then highschool or any other thing in his life. He had to worry about schedules, his image, his appearance, his dancing skills, his diet, and basically everything else.
If he could talk to his past self, he would scoff and laugh at himself, as he naively thought life would only get easier after becoming an idol. He was so very wrong.
Chan always told him that it was fine to worry about these types of things, but to not let it get to his head, as whoever he was perfect and just fine. Chan told him that if he loved himself and just embraced himself, there would always be haters, but those who truly loved him would Stay by his side.
Seungmin disagreed, as if anyone found out about his secret, they would probably label him a mental freak or creepy and leave him behind. Maybe some of his members would be understanding - maybe all of them would leave. He didn’t know how it would turn out if he came out of the little closet to them. It would be nice to reveal his secret, so he could be able to regress in the dorm without hiding it, and maybe he would gain a caregiver or two. But he could never risk it all. Not for his selfish needs.
It was saddening quite frankly, as he could only regress late at nights in his bed, when everyone else was asleep. Oftentimes he would sneak his special blue pacifier under his blanket during the day when no one was looking, and then get back to it at night. Filled with anxiety and worry that the members he shared the room with would wake up at any moment, he would carefully sneak the pacifier into his mouth, face turned to the wall. And then he would start sucking, his nerves and anxiety diminishing immediately, alongside his other adult worries. He was lucky the members in his room, which consisted of Lee know and Hyunjin, were heavy sleepers. Otherwise, his sucking noise probably would’ve woken them up by now at this point. He would fall asleep with the pacifier in his mouth, feeling little and content.
However, he would set an alarm for 4:00 a.m. during these “little nights”, as he would have to wake up to remove the pacifier from his mouth before any of his members found him in the morning sucking a pacifier. He would have to sometimes force himself out of headspace when he awoke to the rumbling, silent phone alarm under his pillow, which was probably not healthy. Sometimes, he felt tears threatening to fall as he peeled the pacifier away from his mouth which refused to comply.
The whole routine and the lack of choice in regressing whenever he wanted to was probably overall unhealthy, but he had gotten used to it by now.
If he was extremely lucky and the rest of the members left the dorm during a break they had from their idol activities, Seungmin would stay back and save a day just for himself - to regress in the empty dorm all alone. This was when he would pull out his treasured little items - which were also little in size and quantity.
He had his pacifier, his decorated puppy socks, and colored ballpoint pens (if they could count as little items, as he used them to color and draw with).
The pacifier was the only true little item he owned, which was blue, sparkly, and very special to him. He had bought the pacifier when he had visited a baby shop within his neighborhood during his highschool years, making an excuse to the cashier that it was for his baby brother. The cashier never asked who it was for, but Seungmin had to make an excuse, for himself - his emotions were a mess around that time. But eventually, he gave in to his headspace, and the pacifier became a treasured item of his. It was often hidden inside his portion of the closet inside a hoodie pocket in the very back (preferably one that he never wore, so he would never accidentally wear it out and find a pacifier within its pocket).
His puppy socks were a gag gift from Jeongin, who had bought it for him when he was shopping with Hyunjin, as he “thought of him when he saw the little puppies.” Seungmin thought it was very nice and cute of him to buy the socks, which were quite cute themselves. The socks were also blue with little brown puppies scattered in a pattern, their tongue sticking out, some of them with a speech bubble labeled “arf arf!” or “Woof!” They matched nicely with his blue pacifier, and he would don the two pieces with an oversized hoodie and pajama pants during his rare little regression sessions to make himself truly feel little. These were within his drawer, which he did not have to hide as the other members would never really correlate it to his headspace.
His colored ballpoint pens were just on the desk within the shared dorm bedroom, which belonged to Hyunjin, who used them during his studies when he was a student. No one ever got rid of them, so Seungmin often borrowed them to draw and color, as he owned no crayons, colored pencils, or markers. He could lie and buy some himself for an “art hobby”, but he was not willing to go to that extent to color or draw, as he was quite content with his low quality and availability of little items.
Maybe not content, but he was definitely accepting of the fact that he would never be as well off as other littles with caregivers who spoiled them (which he often saw on the internet within little respective websites).
Seungmin was used to having to hide it. He was used to repressing his headspace during fan meetings and vlives, and dance practices when he was stressed. Everything was normal to him now, and normal was fine.
Stray Kids were gaining popularity and fans, their music was great, he was improving as a singer and dancer. His members were lovely, and basically became his brothers. If everything was fine now, why would he have to ever change anything or tell anyone about his headspace. It could get better, but it could get worse. He couldn’t risk losing this - his career, his brothers, his family, his passion. What would he do if they kicked him out of the group for being a little? What would his family think of him when he had to move back into their home because he was blacklisted as an idol for being a little?
Disappointment, regret, ruination.
It would all come down because of his little secret, and he could never reveal it to anyone. Ever. It was for the better of his life.
These were the thoughts that clouded his mind as he laid down on his bottom bunk bed, staring at an empty phone screen above his face.
Surprised he hadn’t dropped the phone painfully onto his face yet, as his arm was getting tired, Seungmin decided to veer his mind off these negative thoughts by watching some lighthearted videos. Although he wanted to regress right there and then, he knew he had to be patient and have self control. He was very stressed and tired at the moment, having flaked out on the group movie night with a petty excuse for “some private time.”
He wasn’t going to regress or anything, but he just kind of wanted to sleep early that night, as tomorrow was their break time from idol activities after a month of hard work towards their successful comeback. And break time usually entitled full out regression time if he was alone, which he had to admit, got him quite excited.
But as always, excitement was never a good feeling to go to bed with, so he ended up thinking, and then thinking too much; this was what led to him thinking about those negative thoughts. But as he turned on some cat videos to relax and smile, he felt himself slip a bit. And Seungmin wanted to be patient, but he also couldn’t help himself let go a bit. He wanted to be little so badly, the cats were too cute. He giggled and smiled innocently at the cats licking their paws, and he started to unconsciously lift his thumb into his mouth. At first just tempting at the edge of his lips, but soon enough, he was sucking on his thumb.
The first time he noticed, he immediately removed it from his mouth and wiped the saliva on his pajamas, stopping the cat video simultaneously. His mouth hung open as he missed the feeling of something around his lips, but he knew it was too dangerous to be doing that, as he could either slip too far or his members could rush in and find him sucking on his thumb - like a baby.
Trying his best to keep calm and old, Seungmin turned on the video once again to calm his nerves, but it was just another mistake.
The second time he noticed, he gasped, surprised at his lack of self-control, and dropped the phone painfully onto his nose, letting out a yelp. He felt tears prick at the edge of his eyes, and he felt himself slip just a bit more, wanting someone to take care of his booboo. He then realized that no one was there for him, as always. But he couldn’t help but wish for one of the members to barge into the room at the moment, having heard his yelp. But no one came, they were probably distracted by the movie... and maybe it was for the best. He was close to slipping to the point of no return. Rubbing his eyes and nose (and wincing at the pain), Seungmin tried once again to view his phone, this time laying down sideways on the bed so the incident wouldn’t occur again. Again and again, his thumb magically found its way back to his mouth, and on the fifth time he caught himself sucking his thumb, he lightly slapped his cheeks with his hands to wake himself up.
“Get it together, Kim Seungmin.” He told himself.
He knew he couldn’t keep going before he regressed fully, so he put away his phone on the nightstand next to him, and decided to try and sleep again. Tomorrow would be better, if his members would leave to do their own activities at least.
He was hopeful. Tomorrow he could regress. He could be little. He wouldn’t have to suck his thumb, he could suck his paci. He wouldn’t have to control and stop himself from slipping, he could just be as little as he wanted. He would probably have to force out of headspace eventually if one of the members came back, but he would be free to do whatever before that. But he would have to watch himself, he would be alone. He was going to get bored like every other time, silently wishing for a caregiver, sometimes leading to him silently sobbing on the floor.
But maybe tomorrow would be different, and as he finally felt his eyes close and felt his breath slowing down, Seungmin smiled silently to himself.
Because hiding his secret was hard, but tomorrow might be the day he could relax and regress.