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Learning to cook on his own was hard for Johnny. Well, learning to do everything on his own was hard - even after all this time. Waking up in an empty bed, making coffee for one, getting the kids dressed and ready for the day all by himself…
Johnny put on a happy face for the sake of his family - for his two beautiful boys, Minhyung and Donghyuck, and his little princess, Yerim. They were only six-, four-, and seven-years-old respectively when the accident happened. It took time for them to understand why their Appa was so sad - time to understand that their Daddy wouldn’t be coming home again.
After a while, the children seemed to get used to the new normal of their life. And now, three years on, Johnny seemed to get used to it himself, too.
But the twinge of pain and loneliness was always there, just lurking quietly under the surface - and it used to hit most sharply whenever the widowed father of three found himself in the kitchen.
Because that’s where the family would gather around the table together expecting to be served up a steaming bowl of kimchi jjigae or spaghetti with fresh, homemade tomato sauce or maybe even a cozy chicken pot pie.
Johnny was never much of a cook, really. He never had to be before now. His late husband was always the one in charge of meals.
Jaehyun was always a natural in the kitchen - every dish he served, a crowd-pleaser. With three little ones, Johnny was thankful he never had to worry about their little family eating well.
The kitchen table was a focal point in the Suh-Jung household. It was nothing special - a simple oval of carved oaked that always grew cramped and cluttered with utensils and plates and banchan and dirty napkins.
Jaehyun’s home-cooked meals were the means for everyone to gather, to talk, and to laugh together. It was one of the few times in their hectic daily life when the family could slow down for once and enjoy each other’s company.
Of course, that was all different. There was an empty seat at the table now.
After the accident, when Johnny’s husband and his children’s father was so horrifically and swiftly taken from them, there was the typical influx of warm sympathies coupled with all manner of lovingly prepared casseroles and easy crockpot meals brought to the home by friends and extended family. They were a godsend for a newly widowed parent of three small kids, but they only lasted so long.
The kids needed the stability of their family life back. So eventually, Johnny had to fight through his grief, pull up his bootstraps, and dig out the binder of recipes that had been shoved toward the back of a kitchen cabinet.
At least he had caring people to help him through it. His friends Doyoung and Taeyong often came over to help - one would mind the children while the other helped teach Johnny some cooking basics or help him interpret the meaning of his late husband’s recipe notes scribbled hastily in the margins of the pages.
But at some point, the training wheels had to come off. At some point, Johnny had to learn to cope on his own.
And he did, after a few months. He could still remember the way he held his breath the first time he was serving up japchae - one of the family’s favorites.
Did he season it enough? Was the spinach blanched properly? Had he gotten the marinate for the meat right?
He had tried not to be too obvious while he awaited the verdict from his children. Yerim and Minhyung weren’t harsh critics of their dad’s efforts, but his youngest, Hyuck, was always a tough customer. Johnny’s littlest baby bear was always quick to let him know when something wasn’t right - and his opinions came with an unflinching honesty befitting a child of his age.
“Well?” Johnny had asked, hoping not to betray his own nerves. “How is it?”
“It’s good, Appa,” Hyuck had nodded approvingly. “It’s like Daddy’s.”
The other kids had hummed in agreement, taking hearty bites of the stir-fried noodle dish. It was probably the first sense of relief Johnny had had since the accident.
But he had come a long way since then. Cooking became second nature for him, and he was able to whip up everything from healthy bento boxes for the kids’ lunches to the perfect coffee crumb cake he often brought to dinner parties at the Qian-Li’s - all without breaking a sweat.
Tonight was the anniversary of his husband’s passing. For supper, he cooked up a flavorful bibimbap with a rainbow of vegetables and delicious beef. It was one of Jaehyun’s favorite meals - a fitting tribute, Johnny thought. But with such an array of ingredients and careful timing, it was one that Johnny had put off trying to learn.
It was tough to get it right, but he managed to pull it off in the end - and the kids happily gobbled it up while they shared happy memories of their Dad.
After cleaning up the dishes, helping Yerim with her math homework, getting a preview of Minhyung’s flute solo for a showcase at school, and reading Donghyuck a bedtime story, Johnny was finally settling into bed.
He rearranged the pillows, pulled back the comforter, and slid onto his side of the mattress.
Quietly, he lied there, staring up at the ceiling, twisting the brushed silver band around his ring finger.
“You were right, you know. Bibimbap is better with a raw yolk instead of a fried egg,” he mumbled, half-chuckling. “I should’ve listened to you, Jae. I admit it.”
Of course, there was no response. There never was. But Johnny liked to imagine the other could still hear him, somewhere out there, wherever he was… It gave him comfort, just to believe that maybe his husband wasn’t so far away.
“Minhyung has a new friend at school,” he started again. He thought it would be nice to catch his lost love up on new developments. “His name is Xuxi. He’s much taller than our boy for his age, and loud - but he’s a good kid. He makes Minhyung laugh a lot. It’s sweet…”
Johnny smiled to himself at the thought. He recalled how Jaehyun used to worry that their son was more on the shy side. Johnny knew he would be so happy to see him among friends.
“Hyuckie is singing a lot these days - which means that I know all the lyrics to that snowman song from Frozen now,” he continued, a grin still on his cheeks. “I… I wonder if he remembers the way you used to sing to him when he was just a tiny little peanut in your arms…”
If he tried, Johnny could still hear the lullabies his partner once crooned for their youngest, as well as for each of their babies before him. It was one of the warmest sounds to ever grace his ears.
“And you’ll never believe it, but Yerim finally learned how to ride a bike,” Johnny beamed. “Do you remember when we tried to teach her when she was six? How she scraped up her knee and we had to get her a chocolate milkshake and cuddle her for hours until she stopped crying? Gosh, what a day that was…”
Johnny laughed softly to himself at the old memory of their baby girl - their first child together. There were so many memories, so many moments that Johnny kept tucked away, close to his heart for safe keeping.
He paused, teeth burrowing into his bottom lip just as he began to feel it tremble.
“I wish… I wish you were here to see them, baby - to see them growing up,” he whispered, hoping it would disguise the breaking in his voice. “You would be so damn proud of the amazing little people they’re becoming.”
He couldn’t stop the tears brimming at the edge of his eyes. They broke free, slipping down his cheek before rolling down and soaking into his pillow.
“Fuck…” He swiped at the damp streak left behind with the back of his hand, sniffling in vain as he tried to hold back his sobs. “It’s so hard doing this all alone…”
The tears rushed down harder now, and he let it happen. There was no use trying to hold it back any longer. As long as he wasn’t too loud, he could let himself give in to the pain that he kept neatly concealed these days - the deep, visceral wound of a loss that would never quite heal.
Jaehyun would never be back. That empty seat at the table would never be filled with his loving presence again. It was a hard truth that still stung Johnny to his core - a hard truth that he knew would be chained around his heart until his final days.
Just a few minutes and his sobs began to subside, just like they always did. He reached for the sleeve of his t-shirt and dabbed his wet cheeks.
“Ah, Jae…” Johnny sighed, rubbing his tired eyes before letting them close. “I just miss you so much, honey…”
He rolled onto his side, sliding his hand over to the other side of the bed. He swore he could nearly feel the warmth of Jaehyun’s familiar figure lying next to him.
“I love you, Jaehyun,” he mumbled sleepily. “I always will.”
His breathing steadied, and his heart rate slowed. With nothing else to say, he drifted off to sleep wondering what to cook for dinner tomorrow.
~