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He doesn't remember jumping. Doesn't remember falling. He remembers grabbing his brother's arm, pulling him in. He remembers the rush of relief as he had pulled him close.
Loki had struggled. His brother had screamed and kicked and cried. Thor, above all things, remembers the crying. Remembers how he had wished to be able to stop his brother from hurting this much.
Now he's standing inside Loki's chambers, watching him run up and down like a madman, red streaks from tears blemishing his beautiful face.
"You can't keep me here!" his brother screams, his voice shredded from overuse, and every syllable bites through Thor's inside, makes him die a little more inside. "You can't hold me here like a caged animal! I am a God! I am more powerful than you will ever be! I should be king! You can't KEEP me here!"
Loki had tried to use magic, had tried to use his powers against Thor. But it was useless then and it is now.
Thor blinks, swallowing against a lump in his throat. "You once told me, brother," he says with a low voice and he watches Loki's face twitch, just a little, just enough so that he can believe his brother is listening. "You told me never to doubt that you loved me."
At first, his brother doesn't react. Thor only watches him still, his back turned, until he can see that Loki is trembling, his whole body shivering with emotion. With all this rage, all the hate.
Thor wishes he could make it go away.
"You believed that?" Loki asks, his tone vicious and sneering.
But it took too long, just a moment too long, and Thor doesn't believe him.
"You mindless, naive creature," he goes on, spits every word out like they're poison. Then Loki swivels around, starts the running again, the screaming. "I HATE you! I ALWAYS hated you!!"
So Thor leaves.
Just to return the next day, taking his place by the door in Loki's chambers, silently accepting every bitter word, every malicious curse his brother throws at him.
He can't stay away. He thinks about the woman on earth sometimes, Jane Foster, and warmth is filling his heart. She's been so kind and beautiful, but she fades in comparison to the man Thor has locked in his chambers. So he keeps on returning.
Some days, Loki's shouting and screaming until he sounds like he did back when they were children and right on the verge of manhood. Thor misses those times of innocence with a sharp twist to his guts.
But he takes it all, endures it all.
Because deep down he doesn't doubt his brother. Deep down he believes in his brother's love.
It's worse on the days Loki is quiet. When he's just sitting in a corner by the bed and staring at nothing but air, his mind worlds away. Thor can't reach him there; Loki wouldn't even react when he talked to him. On those days, Thor takes the spot next to his brother, rests his tired body against the wall and endures the silence just as he does the noise.
On those days, it feels like Thor is indeed losing his brother to the darkness inside his heart.
And then there comes the day when he finds Loki on the bed, lying there with wide eyes, motionless. Thor hesitates, but the look on his brother's face is hurting him, calling him.
He walks over to the bed, slips in next to Loki. They're not touching, only lying side by side above the covers and Thor breathes in, closing his eyes, offering his brother the comfort he hopes will finally get through to him.
"Why don't you hate me?" Loki whispers, hours later.
Thor turns his head, finds his brother looking at him, and it's the first time those beautiful eyes focus on him without the wild hatred Thor has been getting used to.
"Because you're my brother and I love you." There's nothing clearer, nothing stronger in his heart than the knowledge that this is true.
Loki blinks.
"I gave you a million reasons to hate me," Loki croaks, as if he can't believe the love offered so freely to him.
Thor tries a small smile. "And none of them could drive me away."
Loki studies him silently, his eyes traveling over Thor's face.
"Let me give you another reason then," he says and then his brother leans forward, closing the distance between them and pressing his lips against Thor's.
It's soft. For all the anger, all the falseness and viciousness his brother is capable of, his touch is soft, gentle. Lovingly.
Loki sobs against him when Thor doesn't move away, and his brother is grabbing for him too, curling a hand around his neck and pulling him closer. Deepening the kiss, nudging Thor's mouth open, slipping his tongue between his lips.
The first touch of their tongues makes Thor breathless, the soft caress of his brother's lips on his makes him dizzy.
But he can't find a single reason inside him why he shouldn't do this, a single doubt that this isn't how it is supposed to be.
Thor answers Loki's touch, slings an arm around his brother to pull him against him.
They break apart, eventually. But not far, their breaths still mingling, heavy and exciting. New.
"So you were being sincere," Thor breaks the silence first, his voice sounding foreign to him.
And the ghost of a smile on Loki's tear-streaked face is hope bursting to a powerful flame inside Thor's chest.
His brother ducks his head, silent tears now running down his cheeks. He's trembling, sinking into himself, giving in to the grief now, in to the guilt.
Thor doesn't say anything.
He places a soft kiss to his brother's temple, embraces him with his whole body, and closes his eyes.
For the first time in weeks, he is able to rest. With his brother in his arms and hope strong on the horizon.