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It was downtime on the Stan O' War II. The wheel was tied, the skies were clear, the weather boded fine. The Pines twins were playing chess.
"Mate in three moves." Said Stanford Pines.
"Let's play it out." Replied Stanley. They did so.
"You're improving, Stanley. I think you could've won if you'd sacrificed that pawn at e4."
"Yeah, I saw that, Sixer. Didn't seem right."
"Not right? Winning the game?" Ford protested.
"Not like that! Look, I'm the general, right? This is war. I'm gonna lose pieces. But I'm not gonna put one of my pieces in harm's way intentionally. I've had enough sacrifice in my life!"
"How so?"
"You're kidding, right? Because I'm a hothead I busted your whatchamacallit, science project and cost you your dream school! Cost me ma, pa, and you for ten years! Only Shermy stood by me. Kinda lost touch with him after a while. Spent ten years or more starvin' or doin' time! When I got your postcard I was in debt to a Colombian cartel! Rico wanted ten K or my head! You let me back in 'cause you needed me. But because I'm a hothead, I pushed you into the portal! Cost me you for another thirty years! Cost me ME! I hadda be you so's I could get you back! I killed Stan Pines, Poindexter! I did get to see ma and pa again. At MY funeral! Pa was HAPPY, ya know that, Ford? Happy I was dead!" Stan ranted.
"What about ma?" Ford asked.
"Oh, she knew! What'd we always say, Sixer? You can fool all of people some of the time..." Stan said.
"And you can fool some of the people all the time..." Ford continued.
"But you can't fool MA!" They both finished simultaneously.
"So I got to know Shermy again, except I'm you! That worked out okay, we got Dipper and Mabel out of that! So's I finally get you back and you say I gotta give up my house, give up my life, and hit the road again. And damned if you're not right! Because I'm a hothead, I almost cost us the kids, the world, and the universe! We're just lucky I remembered the ol' twin gag! So, no, I'm not asking the little plastic man to die for me! I've caused way too much sacrifice in the real world, I cost you your school, your world and your life, I cost ma the truth, course she always liked lyin' to pa anyway, I damn near cost everybody everything! I'm tryin' to change my ways!"
"Oh. I had no idea you felt that way, Stanley. I'm sorry. It's no fun playing interdimensional chess when you're a pawn. You're my hero, Stanley, you know that don't you? If it means that much to you, I won't expect you to use a gambit. Keep as many as your pieces alive as you want. I kind of understand how you feel since I almost lost you. Since you almost lost you. We're just lucky to have Mabel! She wouldn't let you go! Another game?"
"It's a deal, Sixer! You're cookin' dinner tonight, right?" Stan asked
"Absolutely, Stanley!" Ford replied.
Stan grinned quietly to himself. He could probably milk a week's worth of meals out of this.