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Yoongi felt something was wrong before his mind could even think properly. His whole body felt itchy, everything around him was off and his brain was numb. While his conscience came back from the arms of Morpheus, a grunt escaped the barrier of his lips, coming from the bottom of his throat. He was feeling tired and groggy. Yoongi turned in his bed, trying to find the perfect position to go back to sleep. Well, "perfect position" was a big set of words, let's say the least uncomfortable.
After some time tossing in bed, fighting with his duvet, praying to the god of sleep to take him back, Yoongi gave up. Falling on his back, a heavy sigh left his body. He opened his eyes, helplessly looking at the ceiling before moving an arm, searching for his phone. He found it on his nightstand, plugged to its charger, as always. He turned his head on the side while unlocking the device, his eyes caught the sight of the digital numbers. They were big and teasing, taunting him shamelessly. 5 AM. He let the phone fall down on the furniture, the noise echoing in his skull as he sighed a second time.
It was a bad day. That's how he had called it all his life. Those days when he felt nothing and everything at the same time. He tried numerous times to explain the feeling to his friends, to doctors, to psychologists. But every time the words weren't enough, weren't exactly what he felt. Describing emotions wasn't simple, particularly when even you didn't know what and how you felt. So he ended up calling it bad days. Because that's what it was. It was days where feelings were so messy and overwhelming, so noisy and deafening, it was too much for his mind, his body, his soul, he couldn't work correctly. But the man knew he had responsibilities, he had work to do, he had people who relied on him, friends, fans, managers, directors. He couldn't just lay in bed all day, letting himself drown in his own darkness. He needed to get up, push himself out of his mind. Even if his body ached, even if his brain screamed at him to abandon, even if his shadow dragged him in the troubled sea of his thoughts. But despite his resolution, Yoongi couldn't bring himself to climb out of bed. And he was too weak to fight his mind, so he just closed his eyes and let sleep absorb his nothingness.
The second time he was ripped off from Morpheus' arms more than just awake. A sudden weight on him cut his breath in his lungs, his body dashed away from the mattress as he tried to figure out what was happening to him. His blurry brain caught too late the arms who were thrown in his direction, in two seconds he was pressed against a chest. Strangely it wasn't as unwelcoming he thought it would be.
« Hyung! We made you some coffee! »
Jungkook's voice resonated in the quiet bedroom as a nice aroma of coffee reached him. Yoongi wiggled his body in the younger’s embrace before finding a satisfying position. He let himself relax completely, feeling a little better with the presence around him.
The rapper's attention focused on the last person in the room. Namjoon was holding a steaming cup, he handed it to him with a gentle smile on his face, understanding glimmering in his eyes. The older took the beverage, the drink warmed his hands in a comforting way.
« I called the manager this morning » the leader started, keeping his voice low but distinct « They're going to post an older video on YouTube, which means we are free all day. »
Yoongi drank slowly, the sweet taste of coffee heating up his body and soul. The maknae's arms were still around him, making the man feel small but sheltered. Jungkook's hair was tickling his neck and the weight of his head made his right elbow sore a little. But he didn't want to change his place for the world.
« Thanks, Joon-ah. »
The leader made it seem as if it was easy, but Yoongi knew better. He knew they didn't have free days effortlessly, Namjoon had probably made a deal with the managers. They weren't mean, just professional. Being an idol wasn't the calmest job, they were constantly exposed to strangers' eyes, had a lot of pressure on their shoulders, people were counting on them and their managers had as much pressure -even more sometimes- than them.
So Yoongi knew the first member called with the only intention to have a free day for his hyung. Because he was nice like that because even if he didn't understand, he could tell the older wasn't himself on those days. And he was so thankful, so grateful to be surrounded by all these incredibly kind people.
Living half his life as a fight caused him to be cold, to step away from his true self, making him forget sometimes who he was, who he had been. But the members, his friends, his family, were here to remember him it was alright. So, as he drank the warm coffee, his soul felt a little less cold. The weight around him pushed out the itchiness of his body and Namjoon's gentle eyes silenced for some time the screaming thoughts in his mind.
He didn't remember when he fell asleep or if Namjoon and Jungkook were still here when he did. If they were, they didn't stay, considering he was welcomed by loneliness and cold. He sighed as he turned to the other side of his bed, rolling in his duvet, secretly wishing to become a spring roll in his sleep.
But sadly, Morpheus was gone, letting Yoongi alone in his bedroom. He eventually opened his eyes and was met with piercing blue lenses eyes. It's not in his DNA to jump easily, so he just stared in those eyes, asking himself what the f was going on now. As if he read his mind, the person in front of him beamed; a big boxy smile on display. Yoongi smirked in answer, launching his hand outside of the duvet to mess with the younger's hair.
« Taehyung-ah, what are you doing?
- Just checking if you're still breathing. »
Taehyung always seemed weird to people. That's why they called him an alien, he came from his own planet, spoke his own language. They had some difficulties to connect at first, probably because Yoongi's world was too different from his younger friend's. As if their two universes were so far away from each other they couldn't understand the other. But thanks to time, to shared moments, and also to the members, they learned to accept and appreciate the other's differences. Yoongi's love for Tae was now as indescribable as it was for the others. He was family, they all were.
While the rapper was lost in his mind, Taehyung sneaked under the duvet, forcing the older to move away from the edge. He squeezed his body against Yoongi's, pressing his cold feet to his sides. But the other didn't move away. Contrary to Jimin or Jungkook, Tae wasn't that cuddly with him, so when he was Yoongi allowed him to be as snuggly as the boy wanted.
He didn't know how much time they spent like this, just the two of them, entwined. The older dozed off after some minutes, comforted by the presence of the person he was now considering as his brother. Taehyung's chin was against the top of Yoongi's head, making his hair move a little as he breathed evenly. The rapper knew his friend just wanted to prove he was here for him, in his own way. And maybe for others, it wasn't much, but for him, it was enough.
When he disclosed his eyes, he was alone and the place next to him was lukewarm. Nevertheless, Yoongi already felt etter. The interventions of his friends proved he was loved and cared for, that people were here for him in the good and the bad. It was sadly something his thoughts made him forget quite often.
He took his phone, checking the time. It was 3 pm. He concentrated his attention on any sound, nothing, the members probably went out to work a little. If there was something they had in common, it was their ambition and determination. They were all workaholics.
The rapper yawned as he stretched his sore muscles. Even if he loved his friends with all his heart, he didn't want to see them in this state. So before going out of the bedroom, he glanced down the hall, making sure he was alone. When he was confident nobody was there, ready to take compromising pictures, Suga made his way to the toilet before taking the stairs to go down to the ground floor. And he was right, nobody was home. He sighed, feeling a mixture of relief and sadness. Maybe a part of him wanted to see the members, even if his social battery was critically low.
He patted his cheeks, trying to think of something else, for example, of what his stomach was willing to absorb right now. He ended up chewing some cookies and drinking cold leftover coffee before going up the stairs, back to his room. He let his body's weight fall on the bed, rolled to the side, and took his phone. Not even half an hour had passed. Yoongi sighed for the hundredths times, logging on social media to see if he could spy a little on his friends. But they didn't post, no signs of them on Weverse or Twitter. Their YouTube channel had posted a video from some weeks ago. A new wave of guilt shook him when he saw the disappointment their fans felt. He knew it wasn't against him, they were feeling like this because they loved them and wanted to see how their last days were. But because of him, their fans were robbed of that. And yeah, he knew it wasn't really "his" fault, that he didn't choose to be this way, to have those bad days. But he was the reason the whole group had to stop for one day, the reason their fans had an old video instead of a recent one.
The culpability creeping through his veins made him put his phone away and hide under the duvet. All the good the guys had brought vanished at the moment Yoongi's eyes saw the first comments. He was feeling bad, empty but also ashamed. He knew his thoughts were taking control over reality when he started asking himself if he really deserved his fame. If he worthed the love their fans were giving so openly. He grunted in his pillow, nuzzling his face against it. After finding the perfect position, the rapper let himself fall asleep.
The next time he woke up it was to a delicious smell who made his mouth water. A gentle hand was shaking him and a light voice was calling his name. It took him a few minutes to completely come back from the dream world, he was having a very good sleep, without dreams or nightmares. But when all his senses reappeared, Yoongi's stomach growled, which made the person in the room laugh.
« Hyung, come on, you need to wake up now. »
He was now awake enough to process what was said by the voice. Very slowly, Yoongi opened one eye, rubbing on the other one with the back of his hand. The smiling face of Jimin appeared. His blonde hair was long enough to bother his vision, he was trying to get them out of his eyesight with his little hands but it kept coming back. At the end, the younger member sighed and used the hair elastic -which probably belonged to Jungkook- around his wrist to tie his hair back in a ponytail.
« Ah, Jimin-ah, you're cute.
- Hyuuuung, stop it, and straighten up. » Jimin whined. « Jin-hyung cooked for you. »
Yoongi smirked, he loved bothering his friend. Their relationship was special, well, now he thought about it, he had a special relationship with all of them. But Jimin and him, it was more obvious, as a lot of their fans were imagining more than a simple friendship between them. Sadly, the older one -and probably the other too- didn't see the member as more than family. They were all family, but each of them was special in their own way.
He finally decided to move, lifting his body from behind the warm duvet. The blonde pouted at him but it was quickly replaced by a smile. He reached to the nightstand, a smoky plate in one hand and a fork in the other. Yoongi looked at the younger with a frown.
« You are not going to feed me. »
He wasn't really against the idea, it was just, weird? He wasn't used to be the one being pampered. Being one of the older meant being the responsible one, the mother, the big brother. Yoongi always was independent, he had to be, to follow his impossible dream to make the world listen to his songs. He never counted on people, why would he? They used him until he had nothing to give anymore.
But now, it was different. It wasn't thanks to him that people were listening to their songs. It was thanks to the seven of them. And maybe it wasn't how he imagined his future, but he wouldn't change it for the world.
« It's not like you have a choice, I have the fork. Or maybe you want to eat with your fingers? » Angel's grin on a demon's face.
He sighed. And okay, maybe he could have protested a little more, but he really wasn't in the mood to bicker with Jimin. So he let the younger feed him, the other a little too enthusiastic as he chewed on the food. It was delicious, Jin must have spent time cooking. The thought warmed his heart. It was common for the youngests to be attentive and cute. But the older member of the band was more private when it came to showing love. Probably because, like Yoongi, he was used to being the one people rely on.
Seokjin took the habit of fooling around a lot, putting distance between the friendly-Jin and the adult one. When he was near the youngests, he was doing his best to be funny. Yoongi knew he talked a lot with Namjoon, the leader was a good listener and also gave good advice. Their relationship wasn't this deep. The two oldest had this weird unspoken rule where they just went fishing if one was feeling too much. They never talked about the problem, just enjoyed the peace the other's presence brought. And yeah, they both worked differently but in the end, it was perfect as it was. The meal was really good. Even if his hyung wasn't physically here, Yoongi could feel the worry and love Jin poured into his work.
He saw in Jimin's eyes he also was concerned. The boy was the most sensitive when it came to feelings, he was the principal reason they all were so open to each other now. Before it was more two or three of them talking seriously. But because Jimin's sensibility was so high, they needed to explain themselves. If not, the poor boy was feeling horrible, aware of the tension. It would end with him cracking, crying, and being a mess.
So, to avoid this kind of situation, they learned to be more honest about their feelings and emotions. And it worked, they all discovered new faces, new personality traits they didn't even know existed. It allowed them to really be themselves with everyone.
Jimin waited and fed him until he thought Yoongi ate enough. He wasn't that hungry but he knew his body needed it. Even if he didn't move a lot, being in this state was always tiring for him. So he ingested food until he wanted to throw up. At least his friend was happy he was full and his future self would be glad to have something in his stomach.
The younger put the leftovers back on the nightstand, letting his hyung settle back into the bed. Then he lay down next to him, snuggling Yoongi. No words were pronounced but the silence was restful, Jimin's body was warm against his, making the rapper feel sleepy. Before his mind shut down completely, he thought about the chance he had to be surrounded by such amazing friends, Yoongi felt so loved.
His mind was clouded by sleep but he swore he felt something move in his bed. His doubts were confirmed when warm limbs surrounded his whole body. A fresh smell filled the room, making his skin tingle pleasantly. It smelled like damp moss, rain, wet tree trunks, and flowers. But also like the sun and warmth. It was the scent you smell when you go outside after a rainy day, the sun shining brightly, trying to heat the cooled flowers and souls. It smelled like home. Yoongi turned around, nuzzling in the chest in front of his face. A minty breath ricocheted in his hair as the person kissed the top of his head.
« How are you feeling ? » A slightly raucous voice whispered, Yoongi answered with something like a growl. « Jiminie told me you ate, I'm proud of you. »
Yoongi whined at the comment, feeling like a child and not liking it. But, in the bottom of his heart, secretly locked away from outsiders, a sensation of happiness was filling his void. He would never admit it, but being pampered with love was so pleasant.
The man in his bed laughed at the older's answer, a sound which overwhelmed Yoongi with affection and happiness. Even if fifty percent of his thoughts were negative and dragged down by his anxiety and depression, the other fifty percent were feeling at peace. He appreciated the love and support he got, the understanding. Even in this state, the members were being comprehensive and considerate.
« Do you want something hyung? A bath? A coffee? Or I can make both if you want. »
Another grunt came from the back of his throat as Yoongi desperately held tighter on the other. His voice cracked a little when he talked, being unused for some time.
« Just want you to stay, Hoseokie. » The rapper passed his arms around the petite man, sliding his hands underneath the t-shirt of the other. The skin was warm below his palms, he started to rub his fingers against the back of the younger. « And to sleep. »
Hoseok let a laugh escape his heart shaped lips before kissing one of his cheeks. He settled himself better in the hold of the older, snuggling his face to the black hair. He had spent the whole day dancing and trying to find some new moves to add to their choreographies. His body greatly ached from the intense exercise, he took a shower after making sure Yoongi had been taken care of. His hyung was sound asleep when he checked on him.
After his shower, Hoseok ate what Jin-hyung had prepared for him while talking with Jimin. The younger man was proud of his success over his hyung, the rapper was famous for being really hard to convince when he was having a bad day. To be honest, Hoseok was just relieved the older ingested something.
When he entered the bedroom, Yoongi was still asleep. He hesitated, he didn't want to bother the man, after all, the rapper had had a bad day, he needed sleep. But Hoseok's skin and mind longed for his lover's touch and smell. So, even if his reasoned side told him to go sleep in his own bed, he sneaked into the other's one. He tried to be as quiet and discreet as possible, but he sensed the smaller one wake up. They ended up talking a bit, but he could feel how Yoongi's voice was hoarse from sleep. His hyung's hands were on his back, drawing random forms with his fingers. This caress made Hoseok relax in two seconds, eyes having difficulties to stay open. His heart fluttered when the older confessed wanting for him to stay. Yeah, they had been dating for some time now but the rapper was still making butterflies appear in his stomach. He was so in love it was scary. Because they weren't just two in this, they were seven. If one of them messed up in a way or another, it was the whole band who would suffer from it.
It was not like they didn't try. They really did. They tried to ignore those feelings. It started as a random friendship, like with all the others. It wasn't a quick connection, like Jimin and Taehyung or a best friend one, like Yoongi and Namjoon. Just a random friendship, which took time to build. Hoseok was the first to reach for his hyung, he wasn't as confident as now but he already knew Yoongi and him were going to be good friends. And yeah, they were the opposite from each other, but it was what was so interesting with their relationship. The romantic feelings came later, little by little. It wasn't love at first sight, it was little attentions here and there. Hoseok always doing coffee even if he wasn't that fond of it. Yoongi working until late, knowing the other one was still in the dance hall. They didn't see it at first, how they acted differently with each other. For them, they behaved the same way as with everyone.
But then, it hit them. Well, it hit Yoongi first. The older one was having a bad day, he was hidden in his studio. He didn't want to worry or bother anyone. The members were already stressed, he wasn't going to worsen everything. So he drank alone, in front of his computer, trying to be at least a little productive. It didn't work. He ended up falling asleep in his work chair, head laid on crossed arms. When he woke up, he felt like he was flying. At first, he thought the alcohol had made him go crazy, but then, he felt the heat around him. A sweet smell of rain and sun hit him, he opened his eyes and discovered he was on a back, a jacket over his shoulders. His heartbeat sped up when he heard Hoseok’s so particular voice spoke to him. The evidence was there. And it was too late. Even if Yoongi wanted to deny it, he couldn't stop his drunk body from feeling those things. It was when it hit him. How different he was with the younger one, how different his body felt, his mind thought. And he knew Hoseok was the kind of person to be completely clueless, unable to see how people looked at him, unable to see how attractive he was, how kind he acted.
So the older decided to stop things right there, no matter what these "things" were. Overnight, he started to avoid the younger one, and obviously, Hobi said nothing. He continued to smile at him as if nothing was happening. And Yoongi wanted to scream. He wanted to yell at Hoseok for being so nice, he wanted to yell at the world for being so unfair, but more importantly, he wanted to yell at himself, for putting his dream over his feelings. It started to tear him from the inside. He saw how his friend's eyes lost the light it always had, how the dark circles deepened below it. But the other was still smiling, trying his best to be himself in front of their friends. And Yoongi was a spectator of it all, doing nothing.
Their friends saw them tiptoeing around each other, probably wondering what was going on. Until one of them cracked. One night, while Hoseok and Jin were gone to get some food, Jimin just burst into tears, startling Yoongi. And, as he looked around him for some answer, he quickly understood he was the only one shocked. Taehyung just hugged his soulmate as he sighed sadly, Jungkook started to cry silently and Namjoon was rubbing the back of the maknae. The poor rapper was in the center, asking himself what the f was going on. Seeing his lost look, Namjoon took his wrist and led him in another room.
A long discussion followed. The leader admitted the five of them saw something was off between Hoseok and him but waited, thinking everything would go back to normal after some time. But it didn't. Yoongi ended up confessing his torment. How he figured out his feelings for the younger, how he thought ignoring him would be better for the two of them, for the band, and how it ended up being more of an agony than anything else. And maybe he cried in Namjoon's arms as the other tried to calm him, telling his hyung how none of their members would mind. They were all mature enough to understand the issues. Yeah, it probably was a risky thing to do, but it wasn't a reason to suffer in silence like this. Love was always a dangerous thing, now it was for him to figure out if this love deserved to fight for it. And more importantly, if Hoseok wanted to fight by his side.
That night, everyone went to bed early. Yoongi used this occasion to go to Hoseok's room, wanting to explain himself. He knocked at the door, feeling anxious. He knew he hadn't been fair, he would understand if the younger one didn't want to talk to him. His thoughts were stopped when the door opened. Hoseok looked at him with surprise, asking the older if he wanted something with a smile. All the words Yoongi kept repeating in his brain since his discussion with Namjoon went through the window. He didn't remember exactly what happened, all he knew was that he felt overwhelmed and sad, he threw his arms around the neck of the member, startling the other. But Hoseok being himself, he hugged his hyung back, no questions asked. However, he didn't have to wait for long, the older confessing everything he had in his mind in ten seconds, losing his breath in the process.
They both agreed to stay friends, even if the two wished for something more. But they knew it wasn't the best for the band, and they both wanted to succeed. In the end, they held out for some months before breaking their promise.
It was when they were on tour. The band was feeling tired but euphoric. They had a day off before going back on a plane to another country. After their usual rehearsal, some decided to go outside, others went into their room to sleep some more. Yoongi was having a bad day, but he tried to hide it. He had conflicting feelings, torn between euphoria and emptiness. He was going to bed when someone knocked at his door, it was Hoseok. The younger saw his hyung was feeling down and chose to get something for him to eat. The younger one spent the whole day in Yoongi's hotel room, and maybe even the night. And if the members suspected something they never said a word about it. It went like this during the rest of the tour. When they came back home, both had a big discussion, and after being sure all the members were okay with it, they agreed to try this love story. They chose to go slowly, not wanting to mess with this relationship which was terribly dangerous.
And the time passed but not their feelings. Yoongi still had bad days, Hoseok didn't always know how to handle the older, they even had arguments, but each time, they came back to each other. The media were still trying to find scandals, sneaking in their personal space, driving the couple crazy and paranoid. But thanks to the members, they always managed to avoid problems. It wasn't easy, but, as they were snuggling in each other's arms, both thought it was worth it.
Hoseok felt his lover's hands on his back, soothing his tense muscles, and nothing could have made him happier right now. He knew Yoongi had a bad day, it always drained his energy and gave him a feeling of void. And the dancer would have done anything to stay by his hyung side, but he had postponed the choreographies for so long he was now late. And Hoseok hated being late. Like a lot of the members, he was a perfectionist. Thankfully, he wasn't alone, all their friends were here to take care of the rapper, he knew he could count on them. But, while Yoongi raised his head to kiss him, Hoseok realized the older had missed him more than he thought he would.
The rapper was grateful, his friends were understanding and benevolent. But he was so relieved to have the dancer in his arms right now, he always slept better with Hobi in his bed. It was like his brain was scared to create nightmares with the younger around as if his demons were afraid of Hoseok's sun. The younger, even before the feelings were involved, was always the one to make him smile and laugh. Well, he was always the one to bring happiness in the group, the one to cheer them up. But for Yoongi it was more than that, it was this constant feeling of ease around the other he never had before.
Since he was a child, the man knew he wasn't a people person, he always preferred to be alone with his thoughts than surrounded by people and he was fine with that. Extroverted people always made him uncomfortable, they always brought attention to them and put him in awkward situations. But with Hoseok it wasn't like this. The man was loud but always made sure to draw attention only on him, sometimes doing it on purpose to make sure Yoongi was comfortable enough. When they were just the two of them the dancer respected his boundaries by doing his best to not be too noisy. It was suffocating for neither. The younger even confessed he was feeling more relaxed around Yoongi, because he never had to pretend to be someone else. It was true people always expected from the dancer to bring the animation and conversation. But with the older, the silence wasn't a problem, the two could work on their own things, just enjoying the other's presence. In some way, they brought out the best in each other.
While both fell asleep in each other's warmth, their limbs tangled together. They were too deep in their sleep to hear when their friends sneaked in the bedroom, or to hear when these same friends crawled in the king-size bed. It was literally too little for seven people, but they didn't care, the five men just curled up around the couple. And yeah, maybe it was uncomfortable and hot. But when Yoongi woke up the next morning, squeezed between Hoseok and Jimin, with Jungkook, SeokJin, and Namjoon arm surrounding them and Taehyung's feet in his face, he wouldn't have changed that for the world.