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Mikasa wish could be anywhere in the world other than where she was right now.
It's was truly disheartening position she put in. She clearly couldn't deny a request from her precious friend to be by his side for the most important moment of his life.
Not when he personally requested her to attend as his groomsmen. Which to her personally didn't make sense but she didn't have much of a choice put to go along with it.
She could clearly recall that day when the reality of the world came crashing down. Yes, she remembers it all to clearly.
It was the evening of the first of november, Mikasa, Eren and the rest of the group friends they have, had been invited over to Armin's home. Hours timelessly flew past as they hangout with out a care, not having much thought into why they got together on that specific evening.
Mikasa remembers seeing Annie that day, her blonde hair was suprisly down and rested ontop of her shoulders. She remembers Annie wearing that light grey oversized sweatshirt that Mikasa purchased for her as a birthday gift. And for her bottom half of Annie's body, Mikasa remember her wearing black tights.
Honestly speaking, there was nothing special about her chosen attire that evening. But Mikasa appreciates anything Annie wears because in her eyes, she looks perfect in anything she wears.
Truthfully that evening wasn't too eventful, not until the last bit. Ah yes, Mikasa remember when Armin called everyone to sit down in the lounging area. She remembers how Annie took a sit next to Armin, while the rest of them sat on the opposite side facing towards the blondes couple.
"Annie and I have decided that we're going to get married"
Armin and Annie showed everyone they're matching rings and burst of happiness was clearly shown on Mikasa's side of the seating arrangement. While everyone was so full of cheers, celebration, and congratulations to the newly announced fiances.
Those simple words came crashing down onto Mikasa's world. She let that her glass of champagne she had in hand drop to the floor and break. Eyes full of bewilderedness and disbelief, tears threatening to spill. She remembers herself shooting up from out of her seat and excused herself to go the bathroom.
She remembers that agonizing pain that felt in her heart, she remembers feeling of despair flowing through her inentire being. Her tears ran down her cheeks as she squeezed her eyes shut tight and clenched her her plam into a fist. Her sob was to nobody but herself as she cried alone In that bathroom.
For someone socially awkward like Mikasa, she should've expected this. it only makes logical sense that she would crush on an unavailable woman. But that didn't stop her for falling in love with said unavailable women. Granted Mikasa wasn't rather fond of Annie during her first year of meeting her, but after years bonding and alone time spent something changed within her.
Mikasa remembered exactly when she fell in love with Annie however. It was when her friends decided to throw a party and she had went out inside to catch a breather, at the time it was the dead of night and she had heard soft crying. Initially, she's wasn't going to investigate what the noise was. But something in Mikasa was drawn to that soft sobbing noise. After following the noise, she had come to a stop.
She found Annie sitting on dirt ground with her knees pressed up against her chest and curled up into a ball, leaning on a tree. She hoodie her up so it took mikasa a minute to registered who it was.
"Annie?" Mikasa voiced out. She'll never forget the way Annie looked up to her that day. Those eyes full of hurt and utter despair. Never had Mikasa seen Annie so vulnerable and low, this wasn't the strong and powerful Annie Leonhart that she knew.
Something with the way Annie look hurted made something within Mikasa create a strong desire to protect. Something within her never wanted to see Annie have that type expression again.
"Mikasa?"
Mikasa heard the sheer sadness in Annie's voice and for some reason it pained her greatly to the point where it made her heart ache.
Mikasa took a next sit next Annie and placed her jacket over Annie's shoulders because she looked liked she was shivering. While doing this Annie stared her wide eye as tears streamed down her cheeks. "Why?" Annie's voice was a low and barely audible whisper but luckily Mikasa in hearing range to catch it.
Honestly speaking at the time, she had no idea herself as to why she's comforting Annie. Everything she was doing since she had stepped outside was unusual and something that she wouldn't normally do. But here and now there was one thing for certain, she wanted to be there for Annie.
"Because I want too."
Mikasa offered a soft and warm smile to the small blonde. She remembers the way Annie busted out crying and the way she had to pull her into hug. It's wasn't really a hug however, it's was more of Mikasa hugging Annie and Annie buried her face into Mikasa's chest.
The two of them stayed there for hours, huddled up together. Mikasa was doing nothing more but hush soft 'it's okay' and rubbed Annie's back tenderly. She remembered that Eren and Armin had to come find her so they can leave but she declined, she wanted stay with Annie that night more than anything, and if she couldn't then wanted to be the person to send her home.
Mikasa sighed at the memory. it was worthless now. She tugged off her seatbelt and opened her car door, making her way to the wedding. It was unsurprising that they had chose the beach as the venue for the wedding. She knows just how much Armin loved the sea, so it isn't a shocking surprise that he chose this location for his wedding. His wedding with Annie.
Mikasa wanted to cry again but decided against it. Today wasn't about her, it was about Annie's happiness. Something she would never jeopardize, even at the expense of her own.
As she hung her head low as she dragged her feet into the venue. There was already people there even though the wedding doesn't start until another twenty minutes. "Mikasa! you made it!" Armin called out to her as he approached with Eren by his side, he was wearing all white tuxedo, it fitted him nicely. Eren was just wearing the standard black tuxedo, nothing too commendable.
I really wish I hadn't. "Of course Armin, I wouldn't miss your big day." She mustered up the fakest smile she could've given. Under normal circumstances Armin would've notice that something was up with Mikasa but he was too blinded by happiness to even bat an eye at Mikasa's fakeness.
Truthfully Mikasa would be lying if she said wasn't happy for them. She truly was. The way Annie would gush over the wedding would never fail to Mikasa's heart sink but she couldn't have been happier every time she saw the way Annie's eyes light up full of life and hope. Yet, no could express her agony whenever the reality of situation would dawn on her.
Annie wasn't happy because of Mikasa. She was happy because of Armin. And that's the unfortunate truth of reality that Mikasa has accept, weither she like it or not. But it didn't ease the pain any less. If anything it only pained her even more.
"Mikasa? Hellooo? Earth to Mikasa." Eren waved his hand infront Mikasa's face, snapping her out of her thoughts. "Hmm? Yes Eren?"
"Are you okay?" Hearing those words brung a few tears to soften her seared vision. No..I'm not.
She wiped her tears fast enough to where Eren couldn't see that she had teared up and gave him a small nod. It's wasn't like she wanted to hide her sorrows from Eren, in fact he was the first person to know about her feelings towards Annie. She remembers when she back home to their shared apartment from a day of hanging out with Annie and felt so many unknown emotions that she had felt compelled to let it out someone, and that someone happened to be none other than her adopted brother, Eren Jeager.
"Yup, your in love."
Mikasa had just got done finishing pouring out all the emotions that she had bottle up to Eren and that's was his final conclusion about the situation.
"W-What?" Mikasa had never been in love before so naturally this put her into a world of unknown. Mikasa doesn't like the unknown nor like the feeling of not being in control of her emotions.
"Yea, what you just told me fits the description of being in love. Honestly I'm suprise you allowed yourself to catch feelings for someone. Because normally you would push anyone away anyone who isn't me or Armin, I was starting to get concerned."
"But how can you be so sure that this isn't a crush?"
"I don't know Mikasa, you tell me. What's makes your love for Annie different than a average crush?"
Those words stuck with Mikasa because back then she couldn't fully grasp the concept of love until now. Now she understands the weight of Eren's words that was trying to say all those years ago. Now she could answer the question with no doubt or hesitation in her mind.
She wants to be selfish.
Mikasa was without question, a unselfish person. However, when it came to Annie, She wanted to be the most selfish person in the world. She wanted all of Annie's time, every second of day she wanted to be in her presence. She wanted Annie's smiles and laughter to be exclusively for her and her alone. She wanted to be the only person that Annie could go to when she was at her lowest and needed comfort. She wanted to be the only one that could bring Annie happiness. She wanted to be the only person that Annie would ever need.
But even though she wanted to be selfish. She wasn't. Even with years of pinning over Annie, all the gifts, all their 'dates', all the times Mikasa would sneak glances and have a increased in heart rate whenever Annie spoke to her. All the times she practice in the mirror of how the scenario would go down if she confessed.
She wasn't selfish, she remember Armin once ask one evening when came over their apartment if Annie was available. Now she could've just said no and be selfish but she didn't. But looking back on it, she really wished she was a selfish person.
Eren frowned at the lack of response from Mikasa and placed a hand on her shoulder. "Y'know you don't have to be here, right?" He whispered gently so only Mikasa can hear him. She only replied with a nod and excuse herself from the two boys.
She scanned the area and saw noticeable faces here, Sasha, Connie, Ymir, Historia, Jean, Reiner, and Bertholdt. It was fairly obvious that they was going be here but it brought a sense of comfort to Mikasa that there was familiar faces around in such a difficult situation. She even noticed Annie's father and Armin's grandfather.
Mikasa took her place standing to the side, in front Connie and soon came Eren and Armin to stand in their rehearsed positions. While waiting for the wedding to commence everyone fell into conversation. Leaving Mikasa alone with her thoughts.
All she could think about for the time being was being in Armin's shoes, dressed up nicely and waiting at the altar for Annie to walk down the aisle. In a stunning dress, that probably would've taken every ounce of Mikasa's self restraint to not just run down there and take her in her arms at that very moment.
Eventually the wedding started, pulling Mikasa's head out the clouds. It only took about 5 seconds for Mikasa to regret the decision of coming to the wedding entirely. It was a mistake to be there. How was she supposed to get through an entire wedding knowing that the love of her life was getting married to another person that wasn't her. Not just anybody too, no it was her bestfriend she knew since childhood.
It felt like time it's self had stop as soon as Mikasa's lays eyes on the bride to be. Her breathing hitched and as she stared, she could feel the tears began to build up.
The way Annie look was absolutely breathtaking, from head to toe she had looked like the prefect being in that white wedding dress that used ever bit of modesty and purity that she had. This was more then what Mikasa imagined or can handle.
"If you choose to say I object when the time comes then I would support you, you deserve to be happy just as much as anyone else Mikasa." Eren softly whispered over to Mikasa as he gave her a side glance.
She didn't even realize that a single tear was rolling down her cheek, not until Connie pointed it out. "Your really emotional aren't you Mikasa." It was that very hushed whisper from the bald headed boy that sent her mind into a blank space.
For most of the wedding Mikasa had zoned out, which was probably the only thing to keep her emotional state in check. However it was at the worse moment choose to regain her focus. She decided to tune in when they was exchanging vows. And wasn't any type of vows, No, they was the most heart felt vows she had ever heard in her life.
From Mikasa's position of where she stands, she can see Annie's expression to Armin's vows. It was one of the most heartbreaking things that Mikasa seen. She saw the way Annie's eyes sparkled with a light blush and a breathetaking smile that Mikasa never once received towards her.
She sucked in her breath and clenched her fist as it took all of her inner-being not fall to her knees and break down. All Mikasa could do was simply observe in misery as the two blondes slipped on rings onto eachother's finger. That moment crushed her like none other, it was as if all the air in her lungs espaced and her throat closed, making it hard to even breath correctly.
But luckily within all the conflict that was going on inside of her, she was able to keep her cool with her normal poker face. If Mikasa was actor, she would've gotten a oscar by now.
"If anyone has a reason why this couple should not be wed, speak now, or forever hold your peace."
Eren glance over at Mikasa one more time, ready to back her up if she chose to speak. Although it was nice to know that she had somebody in her corner at times like this. What would Mikasa hope to achieve by saying something? It's not as if Annie would actually reciprocate her feelings because if that was the case she would be marrying Annie right now, not Armin. And not only that, she would probably lose her friendship with Armin and make a fool out herself by being kicked out. Not to mention knowing Eren, a fight would probably break. Ruining the wedding. Ruining Annie's happiness.
And that's something Mikasa would refuse to jeopardize, regardless of how brokenhearted she is. She will as pick Annie's happiness over her own. That's the type of person Mikasa is, and she hated it. So all she did was close her eyes and keep her mouth shut, she didn't want to see the love of her life marry someone else
It's not fair, I want to be happy too...No actually...it is..This is the price I pay for not being selfish...Love is a selfish emotion... If only....I was a selfish person... perhaps that could've been me.
"I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride." She didn't need to see to know that Armin had kissed Annie because she can hear the sound of people clappin and cheering. All Mikasa wanted to right now is to crawl in a hole and die. But no, she start clapping along side everyone else and finally let the tears she tried so hard to fight back go in disguise of tears of joy. What hurted the most was not the fact that She had watch Annie and Armin getting married. It was that she will never got to at least tell Annie about the way she feels.
Annie, I love you