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Barely a minute after Maria Burke finished her gym routine for the evening there was a knock on her door.
"Good timing Olivia, I just got finished. Do you need help with something?"
"Oh whew I got you." Olivia said not wanting to betray the fact that she was spying on Maria in the gym, waiting for her to finish. Several days had passed since she had crawled to the Alvarez/Burke family, hat in hand for whatever they would spare. She never expected it to be so much. She had her own apartment, her own furniture, gym membership and now Maria and her family were doing what they could to connect her to a non-profit designed to help ex-magical girls adapt to post-magical girl life. She could not understand how they could think so highly of her and give so much of themselves to somebody who probably wasn't worth it.
"What do you need?"
"To make a call."
"Is the phone line not connected at your place yet?"
"My place" Olivia thought. It didn't sound right. It sounded weird. She felt like a squatter. She didn't want to bring that up though. They all just smother her with support when she says stuff like that. "Do you...happen to have Candi's number anywhere?" Her voice almost faltered. She knew this was something she had to do; Candice was probably worried sick. But what would she say? Did she really want Candi to see her this way? Olivia started to hope Maria didn't have the number...no...no she didn't.
In all the excitement and trepidation surrounding Olivia suddenly reappearing in Maria's life she had forgotten about a very simple question "Did she contact Candi before me? Did she contact Candi at all?"
Maria was suddenly relieved to realized she hadn't; because if she had and then came here in the state she was in it would have meant Candi brushed her off or something. But what if..."She didn't give you her number at graduation?"
"I lost it. Awhile ago. May have been intentional. I don't remember." Olivia sincerely didn't remember.
"Intentionally? Why would you ever do that?"
"Candi has a life and a future and is going to have a degree. She's going to be a chef..."
"Confectioner." Maria said, then became extremely unsure of why she felt the need to correct her.
"What the hell? I thought she was going to cooking school?"
"She is. That's a fancy word for 'candy maker'" Maria suddenly realized she was a genius for distracting Olivia from her own self-loathing.
"They have a special word for that?" Olivia realized they were getting off track. "Anyway; do you have the number."
Maria knew she did in fact have the number. Somewhere. In her bedroom. Which might not have been cleaned in the months between their graduation and now. "Yes. Do you care to help me find it?"
"I put it in our 'important numbers' book. Which you should have done." Mama Alvarez yelled from the living room.
"Thanks Ma. Love you."
"Love you too, clean your room!"
A dig through the important numbers book later Olivia had the number; never since her first day of remedial math tutoring had a group of numbers intimidated her so much.
"Maria, can I make the call in your room? With you like, around? I don't think I can do this on my own."
"Sure. But why? She's your best friend." Olivia never referred to Candi as such but Maria suspected it was true by process of elimination.
"It's been 9 months? What if she's a completely different person? What if she's forgotten about me? What if she looks back on me like our partnership was a 5 year ingrown toenail?" Olivia's speech pattern accelerated.
"Do you really think Candi would do any of that?"
"What if she went to college and realized she could have real friends who arn't fucking assholes to her?"
"She could have had that in Future's Promise. She wanted you instead."
Olivia took a moment to reminisce. When she was liberated she thought the wind was at her back but when she got there she blown down. She had little idea how to be a student and even less idea how to be a person. And the fact that everything perplexed her so much just festered in her guts and manifested as disdain and anger. She never had a friend in her entire life and she didn't want to start. She didn't fit in at Future's Promise anymore than she fit in anywhere else. It's like they cut her picture out of a portrait and stitched it to the tapestry of Future's Promise life. She was stuck there but she was not part of it. Everybody gave her a wide berth. She was 'the crazy kid'. The 'stay away from that one' kid. Which was hilarious in hindsight because she probably needed to take two swats to kill a fly unless she transformed. But Candi? She did not care. She was completely unafraid. She was a gadfly; buzzing around her head. She wanted to swat her, she probably did swat her a few times. But she never stopped. Like she born to be Olivia's best friend and wouldn't take "FUCK OFF YOU ANNOYING SUGAR BITCH!" as an answer. Nothing could deter her. Nothing could hurt her. Olivia thought she had brain damage. But eventually Candice won her over. Olivia just took it as she exhausted her ability to be mad at her, but much to her surprise she started liking having the sappy goober around. And her raspberry tarts were the best thing she ever ate. Not that she'd ever admit to either or those things.
"She could have been friends with almost every magical girl in Future's Promise if she wanted. But she ignored them and chose me. She really must have brain damage if she wanted me instead of real friends" There was a sharp twang in Olivia's chest as she thought this. Olivia didn't know what it was an quickly discarded it as she picked up the phone to dial her former partner.
2 Rings in an extremely peppy voice filled the receiver.
"Maria! How are you! It's been so long! Have you seen O?" Candi was rapid-firing words out of her mouth so quickly Olivia couldn't even get a word in edgewise.
"Candice..." Nobody ever called Candi 'Candice' but the event felt so momentus Olivia felt compelled to be formal. The half-second after she spoke felt a different twang in her gut. Fear.
"OOOOOOOO! O MY GOSH IT'S YOU! IT'S REALLY YOU!" The raw squee emerging from the receiver shook Olivia's brain. "Wait, what are you doing calling from Maria's phone?"
"How do you know I'm calling from Maria's phone?"
"Caller ID. I set it up with her number. She's never called though..."
"Tell her I'm super sorry but I'm been SO busy." Maria couldn't help but hear Candice's animated voice from the phone and was reminded that she was really overdue to touch base with her old teammate.
"Maria says she's super sorry she's been so busy." Olivia dryly repeated.
"OH MY GOSH YOU'RE BOTH THERE I'M COMING OVER!"
Olivia's heart hit your throat "You really don't have to..." the only response was the muffled thunk. "Candice...Candi?"
Maria looked on inquisitively "Did she hang up?"
"I think she just dropped the receiver...and I think I just heard a door slam." The mood of the room was a flatline of disbelief at Candi's response to being called. It was completely in character from Candi but Olivia couldn't believe even Candi would be that eager to see her. Or see her at all. Another unfamiliar twang in the chest. Another punch in the gut. Guilt.
"Still think you're her ingrown toenail?"
"Well, I'm pretty sure she doesn't think so. I don't get it. But she's coming over anyway. Does she know where you live?"
"She would show up every month or three. I hope she remembers."
"She's coming over Maria. I wasn't equipped to deal with this?"
"Do you want to go back to your room and have me tell her you're not ready for a personal reunion?"
Olivia's heart sunk back into her stomach. Somehow that felt like the most horrible thing that was ever suggested to her. "No...no..." another short pause ensued as Olivia took a few noticeable breaths. "Do you want to hang out with Candice all that badly?"
"I'll be happy to see her yes. Why? Are you think of having us both ditch her? Because that would be really rude."
"No..no..I mean." Olivia was starting to lose cohesion again, almost like when she showed up last week. "Send her up to my room. I don't think I can handle a 3-way conversation right now. I kinda want to talk to her alone if that's ok." Olivia didn't even understand why she wanted to talk to Candice alone. Why alone? This would be so much easier with Maria's support. She thought of saying 'Just forget I said that Maria' but the words wouldn't come out of her mouth. The words were poison. Alone. Olivia and Candice were going to speak alone. She didn't know what she would even say...it's Candi! Am I afraid of somehow offending somebody I spent...years trying to drive away? Why is this hard? Talking to Candi isn't HARD. Annoying sometimes but not hard. Am I sweating? Am I breathing? What the fuck "I AM FREAKING OUT!" Olivia didn't realize she said that last one out loud.
"I know Olivia. I know this won't be easy. But it will be worth it." Maria wanted to hold Olivia's hand as a show of warmth and support but Olivia was very much not there yet.
"I'm going to make the apartment look presentable. Thanks Maria."
"Anytime sister."
Am I really somebody's sister?
A little under an hour later Candice Williams erupted into Maria's apartment like a whirlwind of hyperactive affection.
"MAMA!" She squealed as she glomped Mama Alvarez in a massive bear hug.
"Candi how are you baby?" Make no mistake; even if Ma couldn't quite handle Candi's perkiness she had a great deal of love for her all the same. "Not sampling too much of your sweets are you?"
Candi's portly frame betrayed her failings of willpower (not that she tried very hard). "No mama."
"Don't lie to your mama."
"I'm not lying, there's no such thing as sampling too many sweets." A puckish grin appeared on Candi's face as she finally released her surrogate mother from her grip. "Where's Maria? Where's O?"
"Maria is in her room."
"Okies love you byeeeee." She said making a beeline for Maria's room. She was an infrequent visitor to the complex and even less frequent visitor to Maria's room yet she knew exactly where it was.
Maria made the best of the wait by trying to get caught up on homework when Candice finally burst in.
"Mariiiiiiiia!" The energy Candice put into her greeting was no less than what was given to Mama Alvarez, nor was the glomping, but Candice looked around the room. "Where's O, I don't see her. Did she bail on me? Why would she do that?"
"Candice, Candice calm down. Oli...O isn't here but she is around. She is up in her own apartment. #5, upstairs. She really wants to talk with you but she wants to do so in private."
Candice bit her lip and figited. Choosing between friends? How horrible. Why would O do this? Her discomfort was not lost on Maria.
"She has her reasons. I'd love to catch up with you with O needs you right now. Go to her Candice, I'll be ok." Maria picked up the book she was trying to read "and y'know, homework. Barely have a moment to myself anymore."
"O... needs me?" Candice paused. She said it was ok but was it really ok? She had to take the risk; O needs her. "Sorry Maria but I guess it sounds really important. I'll leave you to your homework. Love you Maria bye-bye."
Maria stopped Candice before she burst out of her room. "Candice...just a heads up. O is...different than you remember. Just keep that in mind ok?"
Different? Candice didn't know what to think about that. She knew she wouldn't have to wait long. It took her approximately one minute to get to O's apartment.
The knock at the door made Olivia's heart temporarily wonder if it wanted to spend the rest of its life beating. She opened the door, thankful her heart decided that the status quo wasn't that bad.
"OOOOOOO" Candi lunged for the giant hug before remembering O's strict "no glomping" rule. It was not a lesson to be disregarded. So she simply covered by saying the first thing she thought"A stocking cap? That is different."
Olivia couldn't respond, she was busy taking in the sight of her old partner. She hadn't changed all that much; she was wearing her trademark vanilla-colored overalls with rainbows on the straps and cuffs with a pink shirt underneath. Her hair still looked like cotton candy but with her magical girlness gone the pink was replaced with a pale platinum blonde color that matched her complexion. She still had her pleasant plumpness, her depthless blue eyes, and stupid wonderful smile.
O wasn't being snippy. Or responsive at all..this was different. Candice was about to talk again when Olivia finally shook it off and responded.
"Ummmm, yeah." She said, lifting her new head adornment to reveal yellow stubble starting to grow in.
"You're blonde too!" Candi screamed in excitement. She had never seen O with her normal hair color. "BLONDIE BUDDIES!"
This did not go over well with Olivia.
"No...no..NO CANDI! I am NOT blonde. I cut my stupid fucking blonde hair off because I ran out of money for hair dye. Then I remembered I'd have to let it grow back before I could dye it again."
There's the O she remembered. "Is blonde bad? I'm blonde. It's nice. See?" Candi brought attention to her own hair.
Olivia backed up to allowed Candice into the apartment. "I'm...sorry Candice. It's a real..real sore spot for me. I know you probably don't get it, and I'll explain it...later. Just know that I can not look at myself in the mirror and see yellow hair on my head. I just...can't ok." Olivia looked sad, deflated. She collapsed onto the couch. Candice followed, sure to keep a half cushion buffer between them. Candice finally saw that this, this is how O was different. Demure, timid. Willing to apologize and apparently willing to share her life details. Candi always wanted to see this side of O but after teaming with her for the better part of 5 years she wasn't certain it existed. And O looked so sad. She'd rather have the fiery and angry O if this was the cost of having her be nice.
"So O; aside from hair how are you? Why didn't you contact me before now? I would have made some raspberry tarts but I heard your voice and had to see you immediately. Do you have flour? Raspberry? Confectioner's sugar. I could make some right now..."
"No Candice, I don't have those things. My pantry is kinda light right now. I just...moved in as it were. Also I think you forgot to hang up your phone."
"Oh goodness I did didn't I? I was just so excited to hear you O!"
"O"..."O"..."O"...in the last week everybody started to call her Olivia. It wasn't officially changed yet but she had to admit she liked being called by a name rather than a letter. Why didn't she do this before. She didn't want a name. Too much familiarity. Way too much familiarity. Not then no. Now, now is the time.
"Candi...please call me Olivia from here on out ok?" Olivia looked in Candice's eyes; she looked like she just got a lifetime's supply of baker's chocolate.
"OLIVIA! IT WAS OLIVIA ALL ALONG! OLIVIA OLIVIA OLIVIA! I love it and will call you it always!"
"It wasn't...always Olivia. No, not always. Just this last week. But that's another one of those things I'll tell you about. Maybe a little later."
"Ok Olivia." Candice wanted to make up for 5 years of not calling Olivia by an actual name. "Are you ok Olivia? Is this why you needed to talk to me?"
"No Candi I'm not. I mean yes I guess I'm opening up but I'm not doing well. I haven't done well for 9 months. It was a bullshit 9 months Candice. I learned shit about myself. I learned I kinda am shit. Everything special about me was a fucking dream and once it ended I'm just...this." Olivia flapped her arms out in a mockish presentation of herself. Slouched, bald, frail, wearing a battle-worn Bad Foundation concert T and jeans and filled with self-loathing. "I'm basically squatting here. I lost your number awhlie ago. But I guess yeah...I'm being more open. I just...I can't help it anymore. I guess I can't be the bad-ass magical girl who swears at interviewers and scares other magical girls anymore. I still wanna be but whenever I'm around Maria or around you my secrets force their way out of my mouth. Can't even stop whining...fuck what is wrong with me?" This piece of self-flaggelation did not keep and could not Olivia from continuing "Why are you even my friend? I was nothing but horrible to you. You could have been friends with anybody. Why did you force yourself into my life?"
It was time. As horrible as it was Candice hoped this day would come.
"Oh that? Pshaw. You didn't mean it."
"Yes I did. I was awful to you. You were a pest and I couldn't stop myself from wanting you out of my life."
Olivia was terrified that being that straightfoward would offend Candi or scare her away. Instead she just smiled.
"Exactly. You couldn't stop yourself. Olivia, have you ever come across a wounded animal?"
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"Well see, when you see a dog or a cat or something and they a thorn or a piece of garbage or whatever stuck in their paw; they lash out. Even when you try to help them. They scream, they claw, they whine, they try to run away. They don't hate you. They're just scared. So scared. In that moment their world is pain; it has betrayed them. It has hurt them and they can't understand why. And then they think everything is trying to hurt them so they revert to their instincts. They defend themselves."
"I don't think you're answering my question."
"Yes I am. Olivia from the moment I saw you I knew what exactly what you were; scared beyond belief. You stayed away from everybody. Made a big show of not wanting anybody near you. You were only brave when you fought. You were always more scared of people than you were of monsters; I have no idea how nobody else could see that. Or how wonderful you could be in the moments you let your guard down."
"Bullshit." Oh gods is it bullshit? 13 years in isolation from everybody and 5 more when I finally had the chance to make friends. What the fuck? It sounds so fucking stupid in hindsight. No it was them. It was always them. They all sucked. They hated me anyway. I made sure of that.
"Oh that's ok I wasn't expecting some kind of big epiphany. Just know I saw it even if you didn't."
"Soooo, what then? You spend years enduring my shit just to what? Heal me? What's in it for you? A friend. I was a shitty friend and you know it."
"I don't think I can put it into words Olivia. But being around you made me feel like I had my first true friend. There were other girls who were nice and other girls who were mean...real mean I mean, not you I mean." Olivia reeled with the realization that Olivia could actually take a hint after all these years. "But it all felt so...ok. Not like you. That really all I can say about it. Really. You are my friend Olivia and you might not like this side of you but you know what I think?"
"What?"
"I think thank this is just the thorn working its way out. That's the hardest part. It always hurts the most when you remove it. I guess you just get kinda used to it being in there. But you can't heal unless you can get the thorn out first. I think it'll get better. And the thing is; when an animal gets the thorn or the whatever out of their paw, they run. They're still scared. They're still in pain. They can't believe they were helped."
Olivia was almost disgusted by how much this was resonating with her. And what's more; that 'twang' in her heart stopped being momentary. It had moved in. It made her feel warm. "I...I don't think I can run anymore Candi. I'm tired. And not the kind of tired where you just go to sleep and wake up and you're tired anymore. Soul tired."
"I know. Your soul bleeds. I think it will heal. But either way you need to know I'm here for you. I'm your friend and I always will be, ok?" Candi's words smacked Olivia like a wrecking ball. Maria said the same thing but ultimately she was kinda right; she was the third wheel. With Candi it was just so different. So much stronger, so overwhelming, so comforting. Like those are the greatest words anybody had ever said in their lives. Her scrawny, bony body felt rubby. The twang consumed her body. The warmth reached her every extremity. She couldn't...didn't want to...keep her head up. So she put it where she thought it belonged; in Candi's lap.
"Oh...oh my." Candi knew that you didn't touch Olivia; she hurt too much and that was a step too far. To suddenly feel her in her lap created a rush; like the Founder had granted her her heart's desire. She didn't understand why...not completely anyway. She could make out the side of Olivia's face and could tell she had started crying.
"I'm bleeding from my eyes. I don't know if these are sad tears or happy tears. I'm weak Candi. Maria keeps getting mad at me for saying I'm worthless but that's how I genuinely feel. You two are just here for me no matter what and I still can't understand what I did to deserve you..."
"Plenty. And even if you didn't why do people keep insisting they need to earn what they need? Sounds like a pretty horrible way of life to me."
"Candi I need you so much. So...so...fucking much." Olivia remembered all the times when she 'hated' Candi, she remembered them in ways she had never intended to. She remembered all the times when Candi was a few minutes late for lunch, or patrol, or to tag along with her back to the dorms. She remembered feeling disappointment just for a split second, every time. And eventually not just disappointment. The twang. She remembered slowing her steps when she walked home, just for a few seconds. She remembers her thorn-wounded anger shoving all those feelings so deep into mind she'd quickly forget them. It was awful. She was awful. Why? Words...strange and terrible and wonderful words were now breaking the locks and hinges of their prison. Nothing could contain them. They poured themselves out of her mind, into her throat, out of her mouth and free, free to the world.
"Candi...I think I love you." NO! NO! HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT? NO! YOU HAVE NO CLUE!
Candi's silence was its own kind of sound. Olivia blanched in horror at the thing she just said.
"As as friend or a companion or a sister or FUCK! I don't know Candi, I don't fucking know. I don't know I don't know. I can't know. I barely understand. Please don't hate me. Please just forget I said that. Please be my friend." Olivia's tears magnified as she realized she did not know how to love. Not really.
Candi gently rubbed Olivia's stocking cap. "For you Olivia, absolutely."
There were no words for a long time. Just a soothing touch for a friend who had many tears left to cry.
"Candi...I think later is now." Olivia said as she gently pushed her hand away and righted herself to a sitting position. "Time to tell you all the stuff you were so nosy about."
"I'm sorry. I thought I was helping. And I was curious."
"It's ok." Olivia said as she started to recant the tale of her life to this point. The abuse she endured at the hands of her 'makers' in the pursuit of creating the perfect magical girl. The shame of barely being smart enough or educated enough to get through high school. The shame of her frailty and inability to function well enough in the world to make her way in it. It went much the same the conversation with Maria went, except with Olivia feeling a sense of elation every time Candi didn't run out of her apartment screaming. Until finally...
"I knew it had to be horrible. You wouldn't be so scared of sharing if it wasn't. But I couldn't imagine. I didn't want to imagine something so horrible. I wish I could have helped you then so you didn't have to endure 5 years of such pain."
"You couldn't Candi. Nobody could. I wouldn't let them."
"So Maria knows and I know. Does anybody else? Will it be our secret?"
"I gave Maria's mom and dad the short version just so they'd know why I had to come to them for help. Maria's mom seemed a little on her hackles around me at first but now she treats me like I'm her favorite daughter.
"I think all her daughters are her favorite daughter."
"So weird. Don't get it."
"You never had a mom. That's the problem. In that sense she's more your mom than any of us. Like, I have Mama Alvarez but I also have my real mom you know? And she's great. Mostly. But to you she's really the only mom you've ever known. And she's taking care of you like a real mom. If I were you, if you can, get her a mother's day present. Maybe I should too."
Candi gave Olivia a lot to think about. Another thing that gave Olivia a lot to think about was the time.
"Shit, I don't know how long it takes you to get back to your dorm but it's getting pretty close to monster time."
"Nonsense, I wasn't going anywhere tonight anyway. We still have what? An hour. There's a Denby's practically next door. Let's get some takeout real fast and watch a movie or something."
"Sweet." Olivia jumped to her feet. I think Maria's brother took all the tapes with him though. "Maybe we can borrow something from Maria since he left a VCR here. I think she has mostly action movies in her collection though."
"It's like he left his whole life here."
"When I thanked him he told me he bought all new stuff to celebrate his new life and his new family and was thankful he didn't have to trash this stuff."
"All right then, Burgers then movie?"
"Fuck yes."
A little less than an hour into 'Crimson Blaze II; The Dark Phantom" (Olivia had just watched the first one and didn't want to watch it again) she heard an all too familiar sound.
"Attention all Girls. The time is now 9:59PM. Please make sure you are transformed and ready."
"Dammit!" Olivia exclaimed.
"You too huh?"
"Almost tried to transform?"
"Mmmmhmmm"
"The Time is Now 10PM. All citizens should be indoors and all magical girls should be transformed."
Olivia signed, and for reasons she didn't want to explore at that moment in time, scooched up closer to Candi to the point where their arms and legs touched.
The time was 10:42PM. Crimson Blaze II was over.
"Olivia, I'm getting tired. I think I have to go to bed. Can I get a blanket and one of the pillows off the bed please?"
"For what?"
"So I can sleep on the couch."
Olivia paused for a second but did not know why. "Ummm Candi the bed is pretty big maybe we can share it?"
"Really? Are you sure? Are you comfortable with sharing your personal space like that."
At that point in time the idea of not sharing her personal space gutted her. "Yes Candi I'm sure."
The two girls got ready for bed, with Candi lamenting her lack of toothbrush and Olivia realizing she hadn't bought one yet and tucked themselves in, a respectable body length between them.
Olivia felt warm...so warm. Not hot, but incredibly warm. A comfortable warm, soothing and relaxing in a way she had never experienced in her life. Unimaginable. Unreal. Safe. But there was a breeze. Something that made this bliss imperfect; a cold void that could ruin everything if it wasn't addressed. A terrifying reminder of the world outside of bed. It needed to be closed. Olivia knew how. She didn't want to say it, not after earlier. But she couldn't resist. The breeze had to stop. The fear had to stop
Olivia backed into Candi. "Can you maybe...hold me Candi? Please..." a long pause followed her next word "I'm scared."
Candi wrapped her body around her lanky friend, giving her a massive bedtime glomp. "I understand. You spend so long fighting them, and then you can't anymore. You're helpless. The tables turned. It's ok. I feel it too."
"There could be a massive battle for our lives right now and we wouldn't know it until it was lost."
"How often did we lose?"
"Never."
"Exactly." Candi whispered shhh into Olivia's ear like a child. In a certain context it would be somewhat infantilizing, that context was lost on Olivia. It sent Candi's pure wonderful warmth through her ear canal directly into her brain, which tingled in response.
That was enough for Olivia. She closed her eyes ready to drift into the first good night's sleep she's had in...
"I'm sorry Candi. I just don't know. I don't know if I want to marry you or give you away. I don't know if I want to watch movies with you forever or..." the thought made Olivia blush. "I don't understand. I never had the chance to learn or understand those things. I don't even know if you feel the same way. I just know, one way or another, I love you."
The words never left Olivia's lips but as if in response Olivia could feel a hand on her own, entwining their fingers together. Olivia wept silent tears of joy.
And just like that, in a Sleepless Domain, two girls had the best night's sleep they ever had.