Work Text:
Fire Night
It was all coming together for Emily. Her voice was reaching new hearts and new minds.
Still, as she sat alone up in her room, overwhelmed by her new status and what it meant for her, Emily could not help but feel a strange hollowness. An unexpected emptiness that chilled her to her bone.
For, what did any of it matter if Sue did not want to hear her anymore? All this time, she had only been writing to Sue and she had only been wanting to write to Sue.
A shallow and pained emptiness seemed to eat at her stomach like it was a large carnivorous bug trying to devour her alive from the inside.
Ever since the news, which she had to hear from someone else, someone not Sue. Emily had been shaking with either excitement or dread. She couldn’t choose.
Emily's poem had been published, just like Sue said that it would be.
But still. The unease, it lingered. Foul smoke in a mysterious room.
Perhaps it was the possibility? A true future? A true career?
Or perhaps it was the twisting of the final screw in a coffin that had been building since Sue's wedding night. A coffin that was finally ready to be shut.
Sue had not spoken to her. And Sue had expressed that it was only pain now, to read the words that Emily shared.
A lost and melancholy stupor was beginning to take hold of Emily, even before she could really understand it or give it a name.
But that wasn't all that brewed in her household. Emily's father had been reading in his study when his confidant stopped in with this new talk of Emily’s published poem. It was late in the day. Her father had been too busy to ready the papers. He only read the local one in haste. But Emily hadn’t shared a word about this. She hadn’t even mentioned it. Many people already knew, and her own father, her decision-maker had been left out. Again.
It was night now, so dark that they needed candles just to see. And when the news came in, Emily's chosen insistence on defiance had been the furthest thing from her father's brain. It took his breath away. For some reason, only Emily was able to muster this reaction from him. In the moment, Mr. Dickinson never realized that the way he was thinking and acting, that these thoughts and these reactions were hideously monstrous. Only later he would think. Only later he would see.
Emily had lied to him. Hidden things. Again.
Perhaps that is why it hit him as it did. Perhaps that is why it felt an unforgivable sin, this time more than any before.
Deep inside him, Mr. Dickinson felt a rapidly boiling rage. He had thought they had come to an understanding, she and him. That Emily could write but she could not publish. She could not ruin his good name.
With his friend in his presence, Mr. Dickinson festered and waited. He acted civil and tried his best to keep a lid on his rage.
But as soon as the proper amount of minutes had passed. Once his friend had gone. Once the imposing carriage was long gone and could no longer be heard. Mr. Dickinson let the lid of the pot.
The amount of rage he let loose was enough to boil an entire ocean.
His feet on the steps were a quick and pounding warning.
But even if Emily had been in a state to prepare. It was a matter of seconds, only three, before her father burst through her doorway and threw a book at her head.
The speed of it. The actual accuracy. It was as if the book were a knife and Emily's brain its true target.
Emily ducked. Just quickly enough.
The window in front of her entirely shattered.
Glass bounced back at her, nicking her face. Her delicate fingers reached up and soaked themselves in her warm and gushing blood.
It was a loud break. One that fortunately echoed.
It was loud enough that, next door, Sue sat up bolt-straight in her bed. Austin woke too, turning to look at her with a shared and knowing fear on his face.
"What did I tell you?!" Mr. Dickinson's voice was a hot and gravely magma that crumbled out of him like large rolling rocks.
He was on her before she could even piece together what he might be angry about.
Every poem she had turned in. Every time this had happened it was always at the urging of a true friend.
But Emily couldn't think about that.
In fact, soon, she was crying and screaming. Begging him, "Stop! No! Please! No!"
But Mr. Dickinson's rage had a lion's will and a lion's wrath.
He tore her up from her chair and threw her hard at the wall like she was as light as a rag or a feather, like she was a pen or a dart that couple he thrown until it stayed. He kicked her stomach. The blow was hard and Emily fell. Then there was more kicking. And a belt being lashed. Emily was helpless and useless in a fight like this, a cruel and unfair one. Then he pulled her up by her hair and pushed her back against the wall, his hand found a home at her neck, right over her throat where he pushed and squeezed. His eyes, intent on hers, just like Austin's when he was mad at her on his wedding day.
That day had already been tied in a black ribbon before it begun. That particular day had already held the promise that it would undoubtedly be the worst day in Emily's long and confusing life.
Still now, the eyes of her father only reminded her off the cruelty of that night. Her brother's cruel eyes. Ontop of the hurt of the truth.
That she could never have what she so wanted and loved.
Simply: Sue...
In her room, with her father, the moments slowed for Emily. The eyes were cold and deep. And she found herself no longer aware of the things that she said or did. Time slowed for her and all she felt was that this might be her real end. It would make sense, all of it. If this was how she should end, that made sense to her, more than anyone could possibly understand.
The cruelty of men was all that she had truly been promised in her life. Everything else was a surprise and a gift.
There was a release now. A sweet acceptance as her eyes rolled back into her head.
Her father had already beat her with his fists and kicked her where her body was soft. One of the sad thoughts she would remember after now was that if she had been pregnant like Sue, she would have for sure lost the baby from her father's single kick, the one that began this all.
But she wasn't pregnant and this thought was so out of place given her truth and that she might die.
Her father had taken off his belt and lashed her with it over and over.
But now they were here and he was stealing her life. In the room where she promised to stay, a loyal pet, with no agency and no will. He was stealing her life.
She didn't know what happened but she must've passed out.
Maybe he had a change of heart? Or maybe he didn't want to deal with the messy aftermath or murdering your own child.
All Emily knew was that she was in a different room now as she woke. There was no longer a strong hand restricting her airway. There was no longer a clear choice to let go or to fight.
As her eyes opened and she began to focus them. She saw the white wet rag that Sue was holding and the pale pink lips that belonged to the woman she so deeply loved.
"Wha- wha-" her throat hurt, like that hand was still there. Emily reached for the phantom fingers of her father. She reached for them but the fingers had thankfully disappeared.
Her father was not here.
"Shhhhhh," Sue whispered, worriedly. "You're safe."
Safe…
It was a strange word to hear, after everything.
Emily knew that her father would be angry but it hadn't occurred to her ever that he might be angry enough to kill her dead.
And all for what? All for a name?
Emily felt the sickness in her. Her sore ribs and the sour hurt of being unloved.
"Oh- oh god- no," Sue cried, leaning forward and pressing her lips to Emily's. Her forehead to Emily's too. "You're okay. I’ve got you. Please don't cry."
The sobs came and Emily had no more power left. She could not hold them back. What was so wrong about her that nobody wanted her? Why was it she who had been doomed to this life? Doomed to live this way?
Sue couldn't take it. She dropped the wet rag in the cold water bowl and pulled her nightcoat off her body before crawling up onto the bed to hold her best friend.
The world had been so cruel to Emily. The two things she wanted were both things she could not have. Sue was aware of this and she felt a kinship with Emily deeper than any sea or any well.
"I know," Sue whispered, while Emily broke down and sobbed. Sue had done the same herself on so many lonely nights. It occurred to her again how much she wished that Emily had been there on those nights. Sometimes, Emily was so physically close that it was painful, not to be able to go to her, and to share.
"I'm sorry," Emily muttered. "I- You- You said, you didn't want to hear me. Or see me." Before all of this, Sue had asked Emily to give her some space.
"Oh, Emily. Oh, god, no," Sue said, holding her tight.
That Emily felt bad for even being near her made Sue's sides ache like she too had been kicked.
"I always want you," Sue shakily breathed. "Always."
Emily had sobbed enough to realize that it hurt more when she was sobbing. Her body had been too badly abused. The things her father did, she wasn't even aware of the extent. It would take days for her to really discover all the cruelty he had done.
"Maybe I should die," Emily cried.
"No," Sue sobbed. "No," she added on, soft in her love, fear, and pain.
"I can't believe I hurt you," Emily said. “That I was hurting you and I didn’t know.”
It had been all she could think about for days. That admission from her friend. That the words of love hurt. In a bad way. Her words of love had hurt her only true friend.
"It only hurts because I can't have you," Sue expressed. "It's like a living death."
"Oh," Emily said, trying her best to understand.
When they were separate, Emily still felt the same way about Sue. That they were stronger than anything and more important than anyone.
Sue did not have that same strength. She had unfortunately lost everyone. And Sue knew that what she really wanted she couldn't have. She wanted to live in a house alone with Emily. To have Emily every day. Only Emily. Just the two of them. The other world could melt away.
Imagining the scenario every day brought Sue hurt because it showed a clear and loving alternative to her truly unhappy life.
"I don't want to make you feel things you don't want to feel," Emily confessed.
Sue laughed, overwhelmed by the true extent of Emily's goodness.
Her friend had just been beaten within an inch of her life. If Austin hadn't found her when he did Emily would have died tonight. The way he told it, she would not have lived.
"It's just like you to be worried about my feelings when you're the one who almost died."
Emily laughed at that, emotional. She realized that Sue was probably right. Most people would be upset with their father. Maybe even surprised. But Emily lost that. She reached out and touched Sue's perfect face.
"When it was happening, there was this peace," Emily shared.
"What do you mean?" Sue wondered. It worried her to hear the word peace after such a cruel and unnecessary act of all out war. Sue took Emily’s hand in hers and pulled it down so she could look at her.
"I don't know," Emily swallowed as she searched for an explanation in the dark. "Like the silence on a still lake," Emily poeticized. "Or in a forest- you know… When all you should hear is wind and rustling but there's nothing, nothing but the beauty left behind..."
"It scares me when you speak of death this way."
"I'm sorry," Emily said, regretful now, sorrowful. She far too often made ugliness into beauty. She far too often overshared. With Sue, specifically.
"No," Sue said, shaking her. "I still want to know. What you think. You still have to tell me."
Emily swallowed and stared into Sue's glossy eyes. It could be that tonight was an exception. That maybe Sue only felt this way right now. And Emily never ever had to think about that before.
Sue’s eyes were so different from the hateful eyes of Emily’s father and the scornful eyes of Emily’s mother. Austin’s zealous eyes on his wedding night. Not even her brother could look at her with a trace of love like Sue always did.
There was no scorn in Sue. Never anger.
Emily felt the pains again. The big bug silently eating at her insides.
"I have to go away," she choked on the words.
"What? Why?" Sue asked, worried now. She'd been avoiding Emily for months but she always knew that Emily was right next door if she really needed her. It hit Sue hard that she had been treating Emily like a loyal pet again, only there for her to take when she needed and wanted and never more.
"I can't stay here," Emily realized again. She'd known it for a while now. Even before the conservatory. Emily had known for a long time that she was not being loved at home. That she was not protected or safe.
The only reason she stayed was because she made an unbreakable promise to Sue. A heavy promise.
Forevermore ...
But what was a promise worth if it wasn't actually wanted? And if she was causing them both pain, she'd rather not stay anyway.
"George has written. About California. He’s invited me. Three times now."
"Emily…" Sue knew that Emily could not love George. At least, not that way. Not like they loved one another.
"He's written," Emily shakily pushed the conversation ahead. Neither of them wanted to have this. That’s what had been pushing them apart this whole time. The inevitable truth. "He says he is sure I can be published there. And that I don't have to marry him. That people will accept who I am. That we can travel together. Like friends."
To her credit, Sue had been trying, in her way, to fix everything. She thought, naively, that if Emily was published in a more respectable paper with her own female name that her father would surely accept her and help her to grow. What Sue thought. It had been baseless and so naive. Sue knew that now.
Emily was not safe with her father. She was not safe under her father’s roof. And Emily’s fits of whimsy, the way she escaped while still standing still. It might’ve been a result of staying too long. Sue realized now, that she had caused Emily so much unmendable harm.
Of course it wasn’t right to expect Emily to stay. Of course she couldn’t ask that of her. Why she did in the first place, Sue could only chalk it up to her own selfish tendencies. She wanted Emily for her own. She wanted one thing. Just Emily. Just one thing.
Just as Emily could not grasp Sue's options when Sue decided to marry, Sue had not grasped Emily's options when she decided to recommend this publication in the paper.
The weight of it was burdensome now. Sue thought that it was her fault that Emily had nearly fallen to her own death and been killed.
"You're leaving me," Sue spoke it. She spoke it out, spoke it right into being, for, it had to be done.
As the words left her lips Sue realized, all along, that she knew this would happen eventually. It was going to happen. It had to happen this way.
"You married my brother," Emily sobbed. "You married my brother."
It was all Emily could think now, all Emily could say. It was the most unexpected event in her life. The true reason she now had to go. Even more than her father's disproportionate disapproval or her goals.
If Emily stayed she would hurt Sue more, and she knew she would regret the weight of it. Of putting that decision onto Sue.
"I'm sorry," Sue wept.
"No, no," Emily said. "It's not like you were given a choice in this world." They'd already had this conversation but it felt good for Sue to hear it again. It felt good that someone knew. That someone understood her.
Sue felt the panic and the anger that she'd been pushing off since her wedding day. Emily got to pretend that Sue's marriage was a choice for a little bit.
The more she allowed herself to think, the more Sue realized, that Emily herself was also in a cruel little cage.
"You should go," Sue said.
"Really?"
"Mhmm," Sue nodded, more overcome with emotion than she'd like to be. "It'll help you. It'll settle things. But you have to come back," she insisted. “Once you’re famous. He won't be able to deny you then. He won’t. So promise me.”
"What? Oh Sue. Of course I'll come back. I couldn't not see you." The thought of that was more than brutal for Emily.
"I know," Sue laughed. A gasp of relief, anxiety, and panic, seemed to take hold of her all at once, so much that her chest burned and ached. "I- I don't want to lose you. Not even for a moment," she wept. "But there's so much out there for you Emily. So much that's not here. This isn’t right."
"But you're here," Emily said, lamenting her prematurely. Already missing Sue's eyes and Sue's lips, and Sue's smile.
"I will be here," Sue cemented. She pushed her fingers inbetween Emily's and forced her to hold her hand and squeeze it tight.
The fear of it was starting to settle in. Not just of Emily being gone but of what could've happened tonight. How she really did almost lose her, for good.
"You're so wonderful," Sue shared with Emily. "You- you could've died tonight. I could've lost you. I can't stop thinking about that."
"Oh no," Emily said, trying to stop Sue's tears before they grew much worse and turned to predictable quiet sobs.
"I love you more than I love anything in this whole world Emily Dickinson."
Emily watched her, in pure awe. Overcome by the weight of it. But so happy to be the one who gets to be loved by Sue.
"Dickinson is your name. More than your father. More than your brother. Take it. It's you."
Emily felt as if her heart might burst. The fervent way in which Sue spoke, it mended broken bones. Emily leaned her forehead into Sue's. "You know, sometimes I think I write so much because I'm trying to do it for the both of us. You hide so much inside and I want to know."
"Ask me," Sue said, as her chest heaved and she knew she'd never felt this much for anyone ever, not even Emily herself. The thought of losing her was so mortifying and inevitable. Maybe now that it was happening Sue could handle it better, take it on.
"You can't ask someone for their secrets," Emily realized. "You'd have to know the answer to summon up the right words.”
And that, for Sue, was too much to feel. Tears fell swift from her eyes and she pulled Emily in closer to her and stole the perfect kiss. It was frenzied and needy. Another kiss swiftly followed that, and then again.
Sue realized, very quickly, that all she had been wanting all along was this with Emily, this right now. To touch her skin, and share her dark secrets. Speak real words that meant something to her instead of all the words she spoke with others and did not mean.
She pushed Emily back onto the bed and climbed ontop of her body, kissing her madly and deeply like she'd been pushing off dreaming of for night after night after night.
Emily was naked, since Sue had been trying to discover the wounds and wash them before Emily woke up and discovered her.
Unlike with Austin, all it took was a few kisses for Sue's volcano to burst. One strong rub against her skin and then another.
Sue came hard against Emily's naked stomach. A new sensation. So wonderful that it summoned a relieved laugh from her own lips. She came against her warm skin and she sucked on Emily's tongue as she smiled into her.
Their time was limited now. They both knew that Emily would have to go when the sun breached the horizon. It was the best thing for her. She had to go. At least for a little while. They would have to be separate and see what that felt like to actually be physically far away.
For once in the night, neither of them was really scared. All they felt was a new happiness and a new excitement.
Their need for each other glowed hot like swift burning coals. For one perfect night, they both allowed each other to love and to let go...