Archive of Our Own ^beta

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My dearest, Eliza

I can assume you've noticed I'm not in New York anymore. On Friday evening I was informed of a situation and by midnight I was on a plane. Unfortunately, that's all the more specific I'm allowed to be with you right now. I know you are more patient than one of your sisters... I'm sure you know who I'm referring to(*Cough cough* Angelica). And I hope that your forgiveness of my exit will be prompt in comparison.

I hope to hear from you soon,

Alex

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Mom,

I'm so sorry for my abrupt departure from New York last week, but I feel even worse about not reaching out until now. For the first week of my being here, they had me in complete lockdown, I wasn't allowed any form of communication with the outside world. luckily after much convincing, I am now allowed to write letters to close friends and family. I'm not sure when I'll be able to explain why I have left, but I carry with me the hope you will retain trust in me. When I do return, it will be soon and with the best of news.

Your son, 

Alexander

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Peggy,

I don't think I've ever been so stressed in my life (and yes that includes finals week senior year). I left Friday afternoon and I'm not allowed to tell anyone why or where I am. I've been dwelling on that for a week now and now I feel sick to my stomach. So instead of thinking myself to death, I'd like to just list off things we should discuss when I get home

. Why you and Maria should just date already (I see the way you look at her)

. John has a cute butt

. Top 10 choices for Laf's wedding dress

. It's so unfair that we aren't allowed at the cake taste testing for Laf and Herc's wedding

. I've been meaning to ask you this for a while, Why does yellow look so good on you and so bad on me?

Thanks for letting me distract myself,

Alex 

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Angelica,

I understand your frustration with my departure, I wish I didn't have to leave. Also, yes, I suppose you are correct, leaving John was rather "Despicable" or "Oafish" of me (I never do get sick of reading your elegant words even when you're using them to hurl insults at me) though I really didn't have a choice in the matter. I wish I could give you an explanation yet here I am wish less and explanation-less. 
That being said I do have to ask you not to tell John you've heard from me. I can't bring myself to write to him without an explanation as to why I have left him in our position. If you have a mere ounce of trust left in me, I hope you'll understand that I want John to hear from me on my own terms.

My deepest apologies,

Alexander 

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Eliza,

Based on your last letter, I assume my article has been published. I don't get a lot of information from------------------------(redacted) 
Was it good? How were people's reactions to it? Has it made any noise yet? Yes, I expect full answers to these questions in your next letter, thank you! 
Also, I feel I should tell you that I thoroughly appreciate your discretion with John. I am still trying to figure out how I can tell him what's going on or where I am without being allowed to say any of that.

With love,

Alex 

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Hercules,

Unfortunately, no. There is no code in my article. I believe it would be much more exciting if there were. (also, no, no one is making me say this) I am not being held captive, I have just been put here for --------------------------------(Redacted) To recap all of that, I AM COMPLETELY SAFE. That aside I do have some bad news, I just found out that I may not be able to come home in time for your wedding. I hope with all my heart I will be back by then, but I can't be sure.
Tell your baguette boy that I'm sorry.

Wishing you my best,

Alex 

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My dearest, John,

I have been wanting to write you for some time however------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Love----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------(Redacted)

Yours forever,

Alex 

UNSENT

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Mom,

I fear I will not be returning as soon as I had hoped for things have grown more complicated here since my article was published. -------(Redacted) said it could be months before I return. I hope you know that I am somewhere in this world wishing you well. I expect that by the time I return you will have made a full recovery and I will be able to take you home as we had planned. I look forward to the day when you get to meet your future grandchildren (That is if I haven't messed things up with John by leaving so abruptly), You'll make an amazing grandmother. I can see you now, reading them bedtime stories and teaching them to bake the same way you taught me. 

I miss you,

Alexander 

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Eliza,

Unfortunately, it's true. I am a bit preoccupied here and as much as I wish I could return this second; I might not be permitted to leave before Laf and Herc's wedding. I miss all of you far more than words can express. I miss late nights reading with Angelica, I miss you and the way you care for us, I miss Herc's chaotic antics, I miss Laf's contagious laugh, and it goes without saying that I miss john. I miss his soft curls, his sweet citrus voice, the jokes that we share, I miss every part of him. Every part of us. 
I can't wait to be home again

With care, 

Alex

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Angie,

I need your advice more than ever.

If what you told me in your last letter is true, if John is so broken by my absence, should I write to him? I won't be able to tell him where I am or why... I won't be able to tell him anything aside from how much I love him, would that be enough?

I'm starting to think giving him the half explanation I've given the rest of you would have hurt him less than saying nothing.

Thank you,

Alex 

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Ma chère Lafayette,

j'espère que si j'écris en français, ils ne pourront pas censurer ma lettre. si vous recevez ceci sans qu'il y ait d'informations expurgées, veuillez le traduire pour John ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------(Redacted)

Merci, avec amour,

Alexander 

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Mother,

I am beginning to fear that when I return to New York, things will not be the same. I don't know if John will be able to forgive me after I have left him for so long without writing him a single letter. I didn't have time to tell you this before I left last Friday, and I was hoping to wait until I got back to give you the news but I proposed to John on Thursday. I proposed to him... and I disappeared the very next day. I don't know if I could ask him to forgive me at this point. I know he's the love of my life, but will he still be able to love me after all I've put him through? I hope you'll give me some advice or peace of mind.

I love you,

Alex

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Thomas, 

Fuck you

Sincerely,  A. Ham

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Eliza,

The last letter I wrote to my mother was returned to me, I triple checked to see I had the correct address and hospital room, so I think they might have transferred her. Could you check in on her and find out what room she's in?

Thank you,

Alex 

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Peggy,

This morning I watched the sunrise and all the golden light reminded me of that yellow dress you are so fond of (I still don't understand how you wear that dress hiking). It also reminded me of all those summer adventures we took our sophomore year of college, I know we're adults and have real jobs now but when I get back, we should go out for a night like we used to. Anything to refresh my senses after being stuck in this dingy... place. Can you believe I'm not even allowed to tell you what kind of building I'm living in? Ridiculous.

Hope to see you soon,

Alex 

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Eliza,

Thank you for relaying that message.
I'm not exactly sure what to say right now. I just always thought I'd get to say goodbye... or at least spend more time with her before she passed. 

With love,

Lex

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Lafayette,

Thank you for your condolences, it's been a week since I found out, yet my heart still feels like it was freshly ripped from my chest last night.
Lately, I've been thinking back to that time when we saw a tabby cat get hit by a car and how we threw a vigil for it that night. You bought a bunch of floral arrangements, and Eliza played candle in the wind on her recorder. Maybe that's a weird thing to be thinking about while mourning your mother's death but it just reminds me of a time, we were all together... I wish I could be with all of you right now. I love you guys.

With affection,

Alex

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Peggy,

Thanks for asking Pegs, I miss her so much. The plan was to have her move into the spare room of our house so that we could spend her last year's together. I was so excited for her to meet her future grandchildren and watch them grow up. I've never told anyone this but I've always had this picture in my head of John running around the yard with our children while my mom and I sit on the porch watching them, and laughing about god only knows what. I was excited to listen to all her stories while sitting on that porch and I wanted her to teach me all the recipes she made me when I was a kid so that I could make them for my children someday, but now I think they're gone forever. Just like her.

With love,

Lex 

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Herc,

This has been the worst week of my life, I am stuck ----------------(Redacted) and I'm not allowed on any electronics or social media, and I'm only allowed to watch old Disney movies (which I know you would enjoy but it gets a little boring after this long). I'm only allowed limited communication with my friends and the one member of my biological family I had left passed away this week. I don't know when I'll be allowed to see you all again. My life feels like a complete shitshow right now and it's all because ----------------------------------(Redacted) I'm fully aware, that that information is going to be redacted I but don't feel like rewriting it. Now I'm off to scream into my pillows.

With love,

Alex 

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Lafayette,

I love the photo of your dress that you enclosed in the last letter; you're going to be the most elegant groom anyone has ever seen. I'm beyond happy for you two and I wish I could be there for your wedding. It's looking like I might be released --------------------(Redacted) providing ---------------------------------(Redacted) but that would be 4 days after your wedding which is no help to our situation.

With a heavy heart,

Alex 

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Peggy,

This morning I poured myself a cup of tea and promptly threw it at the wall. I have no explanation for this aside from my slow descent into madness. I fear that when I return to regular life I may not fit in as I once had. If we are keeping score, I have spent two months in isolation after proposing to my fiancé only 1 day prior. I have had far too long to sit around and dwell about how he probably hates me now. That and my mother passed away during a time that I'm not allowed to visit, hug, or talk to anyone, aside from these stupid foecking letters. Grieving completely alone is not fun... at all
I love you pegs but when you see me next, I may be a homicidal maniac

Gerhjkdsbcd,

Alex

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Madison,

I know we've never gotten along very well but as I'm sure you've heard, I disappeared a couple of months ago and was put into isolation. So now that I'm going completely nuts, I had the idea that despite our differences we might be able to come together to write an op-ed piece.
Hear me out. I'm obviously a genius, you are a somewhat smart person as well, we work for rival companies, put all that together in a debate-style essay, It would be a huge hit. Where I am currently, I am not allowed to write or publish essays. Which means two things
1. My skin is absolutely crawling 
2. When I return I'll be firing on all cylinders, ready to write the best Co-written Op-ed piece ever

 Anyhow, I hope we can work together soon and tell your husband, Thomas, to Screw off.

Thank you for your consideration,

A. Ham 

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Angelica,

I can neither confirm nor deny what you suggested in your last letter as I would "compromising my position" and blah blah blah. Between you and me I believe I may be home very soon. The --------------(Redacted) has a lead on --------------- (Redacted) so I might be allowed to leave sooner than we previously thought

Fingers crossed,

Alex 

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Laf,

Even with freedom scratching at my door, I feel like complete and utter shit (That's the eloquent way of putting it.) I have a million explanations for this shitty feeling such as my desire to attend your wedding, my disappointment I never asked to be your flower girl, my longing for John, how much I miss my friends, my mourning of my mother, and so on and so forth. Yet no matter how hard I wish to return to you all. Nothing. No hope, no signs, no light. I have spent quite a few weeks now lying in bed, I literally can't get up, it's like I'm paralyzed. I know that probably sounds a bit concerning but try not to think about me... Your wedding is coming up, focus on that, and enjoy the fuck out of it. I'll be home eventually.

Best wishes,

Alex 

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Eliza,

As I write this, -----------(Redacted) are in a meeting. There is a possibility that when they're done I'll be allowed my things back and I'll be on my way home. That means I would make it just in time for the tail end of the wedding. When you receive this, please don't tell anyone. I want it to be a surprise for Laf and Herc, and I need to explain everything to John myself.

I love you,

Alex 

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I'm breathing heavily...

Partially due to the fact that I've hardly stepped out of my hotel room in months, so these stairs are kicking my ass, and I'm about to walk into my best friend's wedding and face John for the first time since all this began.

"I'm scared" would be an understatement

I'm terrified

He has been living in an empty house all alone with no explanation for two months.

I would understand if he never spoke to me again.

I open the door to the ballroom and slip in quietly

First things first, I have to find John

I slowly make my way around the room, looking through the familiar faces until I spot a sunken head sitting all alone

My hands are tremoring as I approach him

"May I have this dance?" I ask in a shivering soft voice

He sighs heavily

"I have a boyfrie-" as he looks up at me, he stops dead in his tracks

"Alex...?"

"John," I respond shaking uncontrollably

He jumps into my arms, practically knocking me over

"Where the hell have you been???" he asks, clinging to my chest as I hug him

"It's a bit of a long story. Do you want to go outside and talk?" I ask, relieved he didn't punch me on sight

"Yeah, I just can't let go of you yet. Its been too long" he says pulling me in tighter

It feels good to be in his arms again like this huge weight has been lifted

We stand there, holding each other for all of 3 minutes before he clears his throat and we walk out to the manicured gardens, Together.

Together... that's nice to say again

"Where should we start?" I ask nervously 

"How about why you left me for two months," he sternly raises his eyebrow

"Well do you remember that article I was working on right before I left?" I ask

"Vaguely" he shrugs

"Well, It got us in a little trouble." I can see his face shift from anger to concern as I speak

"What kind of trouble?" he asks

"Well, I was researching a big retail company for a few months when I uncovered some illegal dealings. I wrote an in-depth piece about the corruption happening there and submitted it to my boss. Turns out my boss loved it so we put out some feelers with our publicists and started preparing for the launch day..."

"I'm not seeing the point, Alex" He interrupts

"Then we started receiving threats from the company,"

"Oh"

"They said if we released the article they would come after us. By us I mean, our publicist, my boss, and the author, aka me. We had an emergency meeting that Friday to discuss whether we should publish it or not. We decided we had to publish it, we couldn't let them bully us into backing down. That meant the eight most involved of us had to be sequestered in hotel rooms in Seattle while our team worked with the police to find and arrest the threat" I finish

"Okay, I understand that... and I'm glad you're safe but you weren't allowed to talk to anyone? Not even through letters?" he asks me

"well... I was actually but-" I don't get very far into that sentence before John interrupts me again

"Excuse me? You're telling me that you had the ability to communicate with me for the last 2 months and you just... didn't?"

"No, no... of course not... well technically yes"

"God damn it, Alex," He says turning away from me in frustration

"I wasn't allowed to tell you where I was or why I left... I wasn't allowed to say anything. I was perfectly fine giving everyone else a half-ass explanation but I couldn't give that to you. It felt wrong" I say trying to defend myself

"Really? You couldn't even give me so much as an I'm not dead ~A. Ham??" he says as the tears begin brewing in his eyes

"No. I couldn't" I respond reluctantly

"Do you know how worried I was? I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I went to the police every single day but they wouldn't give me any information. I had no idea what was happening and It was terrifying." he cries

"I'm sorry... I'm so sorry, I should've written to you"

"Yeah, you should have" he says looking at his shoes

We remain silent for 30 seconds before I finally utter the words

"If you don't forgive me, I understand"

"What?" he asks me confused

"I understand that what I did was really stupid and I get it if that means you don't want me anymore" I tell him

"Alex, I forgave you the second I saw your stupid face" he says turning back to me

"How?... Or I guess, why?" now I'm the one confused

"Lexi, of course, i was mad at you but you're my person. It doesn't matter what you do, I'll always forgive you. When we started dating I knew what I was getting into. I know you're not perfect and that's okay, just so long as you come home at the end of the day, that would be enough"

"I love you, John"

"I love you, Alex"

"I promise nothing like this will ever happen again... but if it does, at least I'll know how to handle it" I laugh quietly

"Okay, shh. You're going to jinx us Lexi" he says as I rest my head on his broad shoulders

"Hey, do you still want that dance?" He startles me as he stands

I notice the song has changed... It's our song, from the night we first met. nod happily before we walk back into the ballroom and begin dancing

Suddenly I remember that Thursday

"We're still engaged right?" I ask

"I still want to marry you" He responds

"I want to marry you too" I sigh in relief

"Thank god" he laughs

"Al-EX-AN-DER-" I hear someone exclaim from behind us

John and I turn around to see Laf, Herc, Angie, Eliza, and Peggy all standing behind us with shocked expressions

"So... um, I'm back" I laugh nervously

"Get your ass over here," Herc says with his trademark beaming smile

It feels good to hug all my friends again

"So are we hanging out tonight? You have A LOT to catch us up on" Peggy says hugging me tightly

"I think I need to spend some more alone time with John tonight and I'm the newlyweds feel the same," I say gesturing towards Laf and Herc

"We're not leaving for our honeymoon for two days so we are completely free to hang tomorrow," Laf says happily

"Perfect" I grin

And suddenly, everything feels suspiciously normal again

Of course, it's not

My mom isn't here and I still have to explain everything to my friends

But I can tell everything is going to be alright