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“God I'm tired” I muttered to myself, climbing the stairs to me and Shirazu’s apartment. A new place in the 20th ward, comparatively calm to either of our 4th ward upbringings. It was just around the corner from Haise’s new bookshop and the coffee shop Anteiku, so we were close enough to the family that we needed.
While Mutsuki and I had stayed with the CCG after the shitshow that was the years following the quinx surgery, Ginshi and Saiko had decided to move on. Saiko was working at Anteiku with her new girlfriend, she was trying to make a video game, but mostly she was taking care of herself and learning how to not be so burnt out all the time. And I loved that for her. I was proud of her, more than anything.
Mutsuki and I were still on the same squad, along with Juuzou and a few other more boring people. Watching Juuzou and Mutsuki go from throwing knives at each other across a training room to being gross and lovey over lunch was an…. Interesting dynamic to say the least. But they were very happy together, Mutsuki made that very clear whenever I asked him about it. He still gushed over Juuzou like we were teenagers and it made me laugh on the days when I felt too disconnected from who we were before.
And then there was Ginshi. My fiance. The person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. He had been doing mechanic work, hot rodding cars for racing, but mostly he spent his time with Haru, helping her get used to normal life again. She was almost 2 years completely recovered now and worked at Haise’s bookshop while she caught up on all the life she missed. They still acted like children together and it was honestly wonderful to watch the both of them be so happy all the time. Even if it was really hard on Ginshi some days.
I figured it was one of the bad days when I unlocked the door to our apartment to find the small living room dark and empty, the kitchen clean and unused all day. My heart dropped a little bit. This last week was especially hard. I think he and Haru had gotten into a fight over something, but he didn't want to talk about it so I didn't press him about it.
I stopped in the doorway for a moment. Something smelled gross the moment I walked in the door. Maybe it was the garbage? Or maybe my sensory issues making something out of nothing. Either way I'll deal with it later.
I checked my phone and there were no new messages from him, so he was probably asleep in our room. I didn't want to disturb him, especially if he was upset, so I started some coffee, grabbing the jar of sugar cubes I had gotten from Touka when my RC count jumped again and dropping one into my cup.
I got a text from Saiko while I was waiting, “Hey, can you check on shirazu? I haven't heard from him since this morning and he wasn't doing so hot. I'm at work right now or I’d be there myself.”
“Yeah, just got home. I think he’s asleep but Ill check on him for you.” I set my phone down on the counter and walked down the hall to our bedroom, knocking lighty before opening the door to find our room empty, our bed made like I had left it this morning. The lamp was on and I saw Ginshi’s engagement ring sitting on our bed stand.
My heart nearly dropped out of my chest as I realized what the smell was--drying blood and alcohol.
“Ginshi?!” I called, rushing back out of our bedroom and into the bathroom. I didn't want to look because I knew what had happened. I knew what affects this was having on him even if he didnt tell me. I knew I could have done something.
“Urie…?” His voice was weak, he was sitting in the bathtub with the shower curtain half closed, I could see his head, his tired eyes searching the darkness and finding nothing. “I’m sorry…”
“Oh no, oh no” Oh god oh fuck shit shit shit what do I do what the fuck “You’re gonna be okay, I promise.” I opened the shower curtain and tried to not look at him as much as I could manage, “Is it okay if I turn on the light?”
“You’re really here?” He was obviously not coherent enough to really pay attention to what I was saying so I turned the lights on, watched him cringe and groan while I took stock of everything going on in the bathroom. There was broken glass on the floor and on the inside of the tub, blood and vomit on the inside of the tub and Shirazu’s mechanics suit.
“Oh, darling.” I rolled up my sleeves and sat on the edge of the tub, “What happened?”
“Bad,,,” He nodded, “Brain was too loud too long wanted it to shut up,” He grabbed for my hand and I unthinkingly traced the empty space where his ring usually sat.
“Are you okay?” I was trying so hard to keep my cool, this was so gross, I couldn't do this, I wasn't a calming reassuring person I couldn't take care of anyone not like this.
“Im so gross” He still wouldn't look me in the eyes, “I'm sorry”
“No, no; you're okay” fuck fuck fuck okay god what would Haise do okay I can do this maybe no promises.
How do I begin to fix this?
“Can you explain to me what happened?” I tried to keep my voice level but I was so close to crying that it probably wasn't very convincing.
“It feels normal and I hate it.”
Oh.
“Because it feels too much like before Haru was sick? I understand.” I continued rubbing circles into the back of his hand as I really addressed the state of the bathroom for the first time. There was definitely glass in the tub and outside it, probably from a dropped bottle or two. There was blood in the tub, and the sleeves of his coveralls were stained dark with blood and rolling them back I saw the scratches and cuts.
“Let's get you cleaned up.” I grabbed a towel to lay over the broken glass on the floor and a few washcloths for shirazu.
“Come on,” I helped him stand up and step over the edge of the tub without getting a foot full of glass, “You’re gonna be okay, I promise.”
“Okay.” He looked like he was carrying a lifetime of shame on his shoulders at the moment. He also squinted at the lights and tried to dim them without, looking at the light switch. Which wasn't very successful.
I dimmed the lights and started undoing the top of his coveralls so I could really clean his arms off
He tried his best to smirk, “Thats kinda gay.”
“Yeah me tenderly cleaning your wounds, thats kinda gay.” I couldn't help but smile
“Gettin back to our roots!” We both laughed at that as I dumped peroxide on his cut and he grimaced.
“Yes I suppose so,” I said, bandaging the first arm
“Still bad at the first aid stuff” He whined
“Yeah well, I want to make sure I get them clean. I don't want them to get infected.” I pulled his other arm out of his coveralls, “At least I didn't pour the whole thing on your head this time.”
“Uhdhg that hurt,” His hand smacked the place where I had cracked his head open when we were teenagers and I had then, in an attempt to clean it, poured half a bottle of peroxide on it.
“I remember, I was there.” I kept smiling and trying to be as patient as I could with him while I was actually trying so hard not to freak out about all of this.
“Mhm.” He looked at the bathtub again and got this intense look of guilt on his face. I grabbed his cheek and guided his face back to me.
“Eyes on me love, we can deal with that later.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Its okay, I promise. I'm not angry with you.” I finished wiping down his other arm, this time having the forethought to put the peroxide on the washcloth. “We’ll be okay.”
“But I feel bad--” he started to protest.
“I understand,” I tried to remember how Haise had told this to me, “And you’re entitled to your feelings, but I need you to understand that you don't have to feel bad.” That wasn't quite it but I think I got my point across.
“Okay.” He watched my hands as I applied the bandages to his other arm.
“I’ll go get you some new clothes. Don't move.”
“Sure thing, princess.” He was smiling at me like an absolute dope. How could he go from such obvious regret to joking and back so quickly?
I walked into our room again, grabbing a pair of pajama pants and a shirt for Ginshi, and took a long look at his engagement ring sitting on the bed stand, and the question that had been buzzing in the back of my brain wormed its way to the front.
Was this just a relapse, or was it a suicide attempt too?
It doesn't matter, I suppose. Because I’m here now. And I can help him. So it will all be okay, because I can help, and Haise can help, and Yonebayashi and Haru and everyone else. We can be here for him because we’re his family.
I shook off my thoughts and walked back into the bathroom, where Shirazu was still sitting on the toilet, dancing to music that wasn't there.
“Do I get to be a ~dapper man~?”
“I decided simplicity was best,” I smiled at my fiance as I helped him change out of the coveralls and into the pajamas. He swept me up into a hug, his long arms crushing me into him.
“‘M sorry Kuki,” he muttered, his face buried in my hair.
“Its okay,” I pulled away and looked at him, “I love you.”
“I love you too.” He smiled at me and sat back down, “I love you too.”
We talked as I cleaned the bathroom. Mostly nonsense about memories from when we were younger. He kept making jokes about the time we had gotten into a fight in the kitchen when we still lived at the chateau with Haise and the squad, because apparently that was the funniest thing in the world.
“Kuki. Kuki. Kuki.”
“Yes?”
“Can we get taco bell?” He was looking at me like I held the secret to eternal life in my hands.
“Sure, we can go to Taco Bell.” I smiled at him. “Or we could bully Saiko into getting us taco bell and bringing it to us.”
“Yes we are now bullying Saiko.” He grabbed his phone off the edge of the sink and started vigorously typing. A few moments later the bastard smile was back and he looked like he was about to start dancing.
My phone rang from the kitchen and I ran to grab it. Haise Sasaki (Maman). I picked it up.
“Hello?”
“Hi Kuki, I'm here with Saiko and Ginshi told her what happened, are you okay? And do you guys actually want taco bell?”
“We are… not in any immediate danger. And yes I do think Ginshi actually really wants taco bell.”
“Do you want me to come as well?” He sounded so concerned I don't think I could have denied him if I wanted to.
“Yes. Please.” I let out a breath. It would be okay. “That would be wonderful.”
“Lovely. Saiko and I will be there soon.”
“Thank you.”