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"Today is the day," Alex told himself trying to shake off his nerves. He was on his way home, he planned to finally come out to his parents tonight. He has been out to his friends since last year, although he has known that he is gay since he was eleven when his childhood best friend had kissed him before moving out of the city.
He had left band practice with Luke, Reggie and Bobby in a hurry, leaving the three worried boys behind. They had noticed that Alex was kind of out of it and zoning out a lot more than usual. They wanted to voice their concerns after practice but Alex had stormed out as soon as the last note had rung out.
Currently he was skating through the streets, taking the long way home. In his head he was going through every possible outcome for the conversation he was about to have. There were a lot of bad ones running through his mind than good ones but he was determined to not lose hope. When he turned into his street Alex slowed his movements before coming to a halt altogether and just standing in the middle of the street.
He took some deep breaths, trying to calm himself so that he wouldn't get one of his anxiety attacks.
When he felt he was as ready as he could get he started walking to his front door. He took his keys out with shaky hands and slowly brought them to the lock. This was the moment. Any second now he would walk into his parents and he'd have to blurt it out or he'd never get it over with. Any second now he could destroy his family forever...
Taking a step into his house Alex began to sweat. His nerves were through the roof, he was trembling on the inside, very likely on the outside too, but he was too caught up in his mind to check. He was sure that he would have passed out if his anxiety wasn't keeping his mind on high alert.
Alex barely noticed how his feet carried him further into the house. How his arms shrugged of his jacket and hung it up. He barely heard his little sister talking to the cartoons on TV. What he did hear however, was his parents talking in the kitchen. That's where he was supposed to go. His mind was set on it the whole day, but now he wasn't so sure anymore. Everything in him told him to just go up to his room and sleep for the rest of the day. But he couldn't. He knew that he'd have to do it, so he swallowed thickly, praying to every god he knew that the feeling in his stomach would go away and that he wouldn't have to throw up.
With the most confidence he could muster up Alex made his way towards the kitchen. Towards his bickering parents. Towards what might be the last moment he'd ever see them with these loving looks on their faces.
He stepped into the kitchen, accidentally making himself known by stepping on a squeaky floorboard, cringing from the way his parents' heads snapped towards him. The whole undivided attention was now on him instead of whatever they were cooking. Alex sent them a shy smile which was returned by two broad ones. He took the sight in, hoping that this wasn't the last time he'd see them, but preparing for the worst.
His mother was the first to speak up, talking in her usual gentle voice. "Hi sweetie. You’re back early. How was practice?" Alex calmed down slightly when his mother spoke those words and was glad to jump into a conversation about his band for a short period of time to take his mind of what was to come. In the past three years since he had joined the band Alex has gotten pretty good at avoiding his dads disappointed face whenever he was talking about band stuff, but every once in a while he still caught his gaze and dread settled back into the pit of his stomach which caused him to stumble over his words a few times.
When this happened for the fourth time his mom finally took notice. Making her voice even softer than it already was, she voiced her concerns. "Are you alright hunny? You seem nervous." As gentle as she was these words still felt like a slap to Alex's face.
This was the moment he feared most, but now he had to go through with it.
"Y-yeah I'm okay," he said but by the look on his mother's face he knew that she had picked up on the stutter and on how unconvincing he sounded. She raised an eyebrow, telling him in silence that she didn't believe him and that he should tell the truth.
"A-actually there's something, " he trailed off, gulping thickly before continuing, "that I wanted to tell you both?" His voice picked up in the end, making his sentence sound more like a question.
His mom nodded, gestured towards the table and threw his father a sharp look towards his father when he tried to open his mouth. Alex sat in the chair closest to the exist, prepared to jump up and run out if he had to. His parents sat opposite of him, close together.
While their poses where very similar, their facial expressions where very different from each other. His mother still had a kind look on her face and the smallest of smiles was visible on her lips. Behind her facade however Alex noticed a sliver of anxiety; he got that from her. His father portrayed very different emotions. He was always very critical of his son, even more so since Alex joined the band 2 years ago. Currently his face was sprouting a lot of hidden anger and if you looked close enough you could see a little bit of nervousness somewhere behind his furrowed eyebrows.
Alex took a deep breath. Everything inside him was turning and turning, it felt like all of his organs were in knots. Or better yet, it felt like they were cut out, he felt empty except of this horrible feeling of being scared.
"Here goes nothing," is what he thought before he let the words stumble out of his mouth, all the plans of how to approach this situation forgotten. "I'm so sorry I know that what I'm about to say will disappoint you so much and I promise that I tried to change it, t-to change me, so much already but it- it just won't go away and I am so sorry that I can't be the son you want me to be I- I wish I could be like you want me to be I wish I could just stop but i-i-i i can't and-and," Alex rambled on, he was talking so fast that he forget to breath in between his words. He took a deep breath before saying these last few words in a much quieter voice than before
"W-what I'm trying to say... is t-that I am gay."
Alex was still looking down; his eyes were glued to the table the whole time he was spewing words and now he still felt like he couldn't move a muscle. He just sat there trying to calm down after almost hyperventilating from the lack of air during his speech. His ears where ringing, but even through all of this, he still heard his father's sharp breath intake and his mother's shaky release of air. He didn't dare look up, didn't want to see his father's furious eyes or his mother's teary ones.
It was only when he heard his father slap the table that he couldn't stop his head from moving up. The first thing his eyes caught on was his mother's red face. Red from crying, not from anger, that was; just like he had expected. He knew exactly that this would happen, his mother crying and his father fuming, but still he had hope. Well, had. All hope for a good outcome vanished the moment he saw his mother’s shaky hand lift up before coming down sharply on his cheek. She had slapped him. Now that.. was unexpected. He was sure, that his father would be the one to put his hands on him and that his mother would just stare in shook while her body would shake with sobs.
It was awfully quite afterwards. Nobody dared to move. Nobody dared to say anything.
Until Alex's little sister came running in. She was giggling as always, seemingly not having noticed anything that went down just moments ago. What could you expect, she was only 5 years old after all. She ran to Alex, making grabby hands towards him. Alex went to pick her up, but before his hands even touched her she was scooped up by his mother instead. Said woman turned around with her daughter in her arms and swiftly walked out of the room without sparing Alex another glance. He heard his sister whining and making a fuss, it was only then, that everything sunk in. His mother did not accept him, she practically disowned him with this one move of keeping his sister away from him. He turned to look at his father, incredibly grateful that he had not shed a tear yet since he knew that would somehow only aggravate his dad more.
Silently he looked at his father, sure that his nervousness was written all over his face. "Your mother took her away because we cannot have that kind of influence around her. You will have to stay away from your sister until you find your way back on the right path. Pack some stuff, I can't have you here tonight. I don't care where you go, just... don't come back for some time. Understood?" Upon hearing these words, Alex felt cold. Not on the outside, it was only July after all, but on the inside. It felt like someone was pouring ice cold water into his mouth, forcing it into his stomach. He couldn't stop a shiver that passed over him, and despite the fact that he was sweating, there were still goosebumps all over his body. Slowly, he nodded. The words hadn't really sunken in yet, his mind seemed to have put up a barricade after the first two sentences. His parents didn't want him around his sister anymore. Now Alex could feel tears swell up. His sister was the most important part of his life. He was always some type of hero to her, she looked up to him. He did not want his parents to change her view on him just because they were homophobic assholes. "P-please don't tell her, I-I don't want her to hate me," Alex pleaded, forcing himself to keep his voice steady and not let it break. His father gave a court nod to which Alex let out a relieved sigh. "I'm not doing this for you though, your sister doesn't have to know about your kind yet. She doesn't need her young mind corrupted," he was quick to add this upon seeing his son's relief. Alex's shoulders sagged and his face fell. He should have known, but he still let himself grow hope in that one second of his father granting him one last wish. He should have known that it wasn't for him, his time for requests was over. His time.. here.. was over.
A few minutes past before his fatter gritted through clenched teeth, "Get. Your. Stuff. And. Get. Out. UNDERSTOOD?" He was almost yelling the last words, losing patience. "Y-yes sir," Alex whispered, scared of his dad, and then he was quick to move. He had completely forgotten about that. He was only 16, and now he had to move out indefinitely.
He rushed upstairs, making sure to avoid the living room where his mom was with his sister. In his room he grabbed a duffle black and threw some clothes in it. Then he looked through his room more carefully, he grabbed his laptop and a stuffie plus his favorite pillow. He carefully took his favorite framed picture of him and his sister and then hesitated before also grabbing a picture of him with his parents. The first tear fell then, right onto the picture. Alex knew that there was no stopping now. The dam broke with the first tear and if he didn't get out of the house right now he would break down.
He made his way downstairs quickly and ran out of the house, grabbing his jacket, shoes and skateboard on the way. He ran through his street before coming to a stop where his street met another one. Upon stopping Alex could feel all of the adrenaline leaving his body and he fell to the ground. He sat there for a good five minutes until he finally got himself to slip on his jacket and shoes. Before he had the chance to stand up though, he saw a car driving towards him. It was way too fast for it to be in the speed limit. Alex knew that at that speed he would have barely a minute to move out of the way. But he hesitated. He knew that he shouldn't have, he should've moved out of the way. He knew that there were people out there who cared for him. He knew that. But still, he hesitated. In what seemed like the last second he rolled out of the way. His skateboard was clutched closely to his chest as a form of shield so that he wouldn't roll farther than he wanted to. For a few minutes he just lay there, on the sidewalk, his eyes closed and breathing deeply.
Then determination hit him. His eyes snapped open and he sat up. With a few more breaths he finally stood and dusted himself off. He set his skateboard on the ground, took his duffle bag in one hand and started to make his way to Bobby's house, hoping that he could crash in the garage with Luke who has been living there for a month already.
While skating usually cleared his mind, this time it allowed his brain to think up many hurtful memories.
One of those hit him the hardest since it made him realize, that he did indeed almost die just a few moments ago. It made him think back to a similar situation a year ago during scout’s camp in summer. He was there with Luke and Reggie hoping to have a good time, but when some kid who always picked on him decided to kiss Alex in front of the whole camp just to proof that Alex was gay, all his ideas for activities with his friends slipped his mind just to be replaced with ideas for how to make the pain go away. Alex had never before thought about suicide or even self-harm, but in that moment when the whole group had laughed at him and called him names, some even going as far as calling him the f-slur, he couldn't think of anything else. Quietly he had made his way to his cabin that he was sharing with Luke and Reggie, hoping that they wouldn't follow him. Inside his cabin Alex looked through the bathroom searching for anything sharp. Once he had found something satisfactory, he could barely make two cuts before Luke stormed in. He was red in the face, whether from running or from anger -he had heard Luke start to yell when he left- Alex couldn't tell. What he could tell however was the exact moment Luke realized what Alex was doing. His face fell and he blanched so fast, Alex thought he might have to throw up. That wasn't the case, however Luke still let himself drop to the floor and reached out to him. Once he noticed that Alex wasn't going to resist, Luke grabbed the blade from his hand and rested it on the counter top. Reaching out once again, Luke pulled Alex towards him, letting him fall against his chest. He sank into him; Luke gave the best hugs after all. Alex didn't cry. Luke didn't cry. That was, until Reggie walked in who, ever the emotional one, started crying immediately upon seeing the blood and his best friends cuddled together. He practically threw himself on top of them when he noticed that the other one's had started crying too upon his arrival.
That was the only memory Alex had that was close to what just happened. He had never done anything like that again after having had a long and serious talk with his friends. He had promised them, and Alex always kept his promises, however hard it was.
Alex hadn't even noticed that he had turned into Bobby's driveway until he stood right in front of the garage-turned-studio. He could hear his friends talking and laughing inside and quickly wiped his tears before making his way to the entrance. He only hesitated a second before reminding himself that the people inside where his band mates..
his best friends...
his family.
They knew everything about him and this wouldn't be the first time they had seen him cry.
The chatter died out when Alex opened the creaking door. All three boys turned to look at him, they smiled when they recognized Alex's figure. His face was still in the shadow, he knew that if he took one step further they'd see his tear-stained face. And then he made that step. And he looked up. And he let out a sob, feeling no shame at all. This was his home. He knew they wouldn't judge him.
In the split of a second Luke was in front of him cradling his face. He could see Reggie and Bobby making their way towards him, too. He let his bag and his skateboard fall to the ground when they reached out for his hands. Alex let his head fall forwards onto Luke's chest, it was an awkward position since Alex was taller than all of them, but when the other two came up on his side and joined the hug, Alex couldn't help but let out a choked laugh. It sounded more like a sob, but a smile was adorning his face. He knew that he shouldn't, but he felt happy. He had finally come clean. He felt like a weight was lifted of his shoulders and a giggle escaped him. Soon it turned hysterical before it turned into sobs. They stood in that position until Alex calmed down and even after that they did not move. Until Alex spoke up.
"I did it." He whispered into the silence. Slowly they all pulled away, still keeping a hand on Alex. Whether it was to reassure him or themselves didn't matter. "You did what?" Luke asked in a voice even quieter than Alex's before. "I- I came out to my parents," Alex said, a smile growing on his face while talking. He looked around at his best friends, watched how big smiles grew on their faces. All except one. Luke, who was still right in front of him, grabbed his face on both sides and turned his head so that he had no choice but look at him. "Alex," Luke said, barely above a whisper, "What happened?" He pressed, emphasizing the What. "Yeah man, how did it go?" Reggie joined in on the interrogation. And then Bobby did, too. "You've been crying, haven't you?" He said matter-of-factly. Alex sighed, he was trying to form a sentence in his head, he wanted to tell them but he wasn't ready for their pituful stares. "I-I-I-I don't-" His voice broke when he felt his throat close up. Frustrated he closed his eyes and took deep breaths. He didn't want to cry again.
A few moments passed before Alex spoke again. "Let's sit," he forced out and guided the group towards the couch. At first they wanted to sit on it together, but since they all wanted to keep an eye -and hand- on Alex, Luke decided to just take a chair and sit in front of him. Now squeezed between Reggie and Bobby, with Reggie still holding onto a hand and Bobby having thrown his arm over Alex's shoulder, Alex took a few more breaths before speaking up.
"I guess... they sort of... threw me out?" Alex was hesitant with his words still not sure how to word it correctly, "I- I think" he added. "What do you mean 'you think'?" Surprisingly it was Bobby who spoke first. Alex took a few seconds to think of an answer before talking again. "I- I mean dad told me to pack some stuff and to keep clear of the house for some time. He didn't say how long but he didn't say I should leave and never come back." He stopped for a second but spoke up again before anyone else could. "A-and I don't want to like keep hope b-but I- I don't want them to hate me. They're my family... A-and he didn't tell me to leave forever so- so I guess I can go back someday? Right guys? Please..? " Alex was rambling again. They all new he does that when he's anxious. Simultaneously they all got a bit closer to him and Luke reached out to squeeze his knee, trying to keep him grounded. The way Alex's eyes filled with tears at the end of his monologue and how he pleaded with them to reassure him that he didn't lose his family hurt them to see. Alex was their band mate, their best friend, their family. And above all, he was always the one who took care of them.
Whenever Reggie’s parents got into a huge fight, sometimes even taking it out on him, Alex went to pick him up and let Reggie sleep in his bed while he took the couch. He always knew how to cheer him up. Got him his favorite ice-cream and bought his favorite movies or video games so that he'd have a distraction.
The first time Luke got into a fight with his mother and ran away, it was some type of instinct that brought him to Alex's house. And after that it was his safe space. Alex didn't ask questions, neither did his parents. His sister loved Luke and always wanted to play, getting his mind off the fights he had at home. And on the rare occasions that Luke did want to talk about it, Alex was there. Gave him a shoulder to cry on, and a warm body to cuddle with when Luke was feeling particularly touch starved.
The thing with Bobby was a whole lot more delicate. While all 4 of the boys knew about Reggie’s and Luke’s problems, Bobby never wanted to talk about his. He wasn't the type to get emotional, nor did he particularly like touch.
One time however, when his mother’s drinking problem got out of hand, Bobby too found himself in front of Alex's home late at night. And before he could even think about going back and keeping it all in once again, Alex had already spotted him, guided him inside and cleaned his wounds. And then, as if Alex knew exactly how to handle such a situation, he had pressed a kiss to Bobby's wound, then his forehead and then left him alone for the whole time that he was at his home. Neither of them brought it up but it became a regular occurrence that Bobby showed up at Alex's house in the dead of the night with wounds to which he would never tell anyone the story behind. Alex figured it out by himself.
Once again Bobby was the first to speak up. "I hope you know that you can always stay here, okay? Luke will just have to clean up his mess," he joked, trying to lift the mood. Alex let out a chuckle which soon turned into a cough. His throat was dry and he was dehydrated from all the crying he had done. It was only now that he noticed that a few tears had again spilled from his eyes. He forced them shut again, wanting the tears to stop. But they never did. Frustrated he let his head hit the back of the couch. He opened his eyes again when he was nudged softly. Above him stood Luke with a glass of water. He hadn't even noticed that Luke had left. Alex let a very small but still very grateful smile display on his face and chugged the glass. Then he cleared his throat and spoke up again.
"My-... I-... They-" He didn't know where to begin. "My Sister?" is what he stuttered out, "T-they want to keep my sister away from me. They think I'll 'pass my gayness on' to her," he chuckled humorlessly using hand quotations. He felt how all of them grew tense, all of their hands that where on him squeezed a bit stronger. None of them knew what to say. He could tell from their clenched jaws that they were all angry, even Reggie who was usually the happy-go-lucky type of guy.
He wanted to say something, to try and make them feel better but Luke beat him to it.
"Hey Alex.. no. This is not your time to comfort us. We're all okay, we're here for you. Tell us what we can do. How we can help you." Luke’s voice was still soft and quiet, something that wasn't common for the usually loud and active singer.
Alex didn't know how to respond. He wasn't quite sure what he was feeling. All he could do was tell them that he had absolutely no clue how to go about this situation. "I- I don't know Luke. I mean I- I should feel like shit but I am just so happy that I finally did it. And you are here and I'm okay and- and the only thing that is not okay is the thing with my sister. But we'll find a solution for that. I'm sure of it. Because.. I have you guys. You are all the family I need." Saying something like that wasn't unusual for the guys. They all knew they were each other's family and that they'd need nobody else, but hearing it from Alex? That was a first. They all smiled at him and Bobby pulled him out of the other's grips and into a bone-crushing hug.
"Thank you," Alex whispered into his ear. For Bobby letting him stay here and also for the hug and everything he's said and done so far. It wasn't usual Bobby behavior, but that's what made it so special. Bobby knew that Alex behaved a different way in order to comfort him whenever he would show up at night and now he's returning the favor and Alex appreciated it deeply.
Bobby let go of him and Alex turned around to face the other two. "Hey.." he whispered. It was awkward and he was trying to defuse the tension. When both of them cracked a smile he knew that he was on the right way. "Thanks guys," he said, meaning it with his whole heart. The other three exchanged looks before they all turned to him with goofy smiles on their faces. "Don't mention it," they spoke in unison. "You're always there for us, it was finally our time to give back," Reggie said and got backed up by Luke. "Yeah man, it was boring only ever listening to Reggie's and my problems," he said with a teasing tone to his voice. Alex's felt like he was on an emotional roller-coaster. He smiled but he had tears in his eyes and a dry sob shook his body. Then he chuckled and lunged forward to pull them all in another group hug. "Okay I'm gonna be real sappy right now and tell you guys that I love you so much and that I wouldn't be here without you okay?" He heard Reggie giggle and felt how he clutched to the others tighter, ever the sucker for hugs and any physical contact really. Luke’s body shook with silent laughter as he ran his hand up and down Alex's back. He even felt Bobby smile against his shoulder. "Ohh...kay. I love you guys and I wouldn't be here without you." Alex spoke awkwardly, his voice breaking in the end. "We love you too 'Lex, don't ever doubt that," Luke said, he was backed up by a hum from Reggie and Bobby nodded along. That was enough for him.
When they pulled away there were tears rolling on Alex's face again. "God why can't I stop crying?!" he groaned. The boys all cracked up at that and soon they were all laughed wholeheartedly. It was a relieve. It showed them all that everything was normal. Nothing had changed... except for Alex's home situation. But he knew it'd be okay. He knew he would be okay. Because he had his family. And they are all that mattered.
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