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“No, no, no,” Ayunga cries, “it can’t be!”
For the past thirty minutes he’s been clicking through the photo gallery of his laptop, only to find out that half of the footage is gone.
The photos of the first two days aren’t there at all and as for the rest... None of them look good enough or even somewhat decent. Some are blurry or out of frame or focus or whatever else.
If Ayunga didn’t know better, he wouldn’t be able to tell if it's the prairies or just a splash of colour on some of the photos.
Sure, it’s pretty, but it’s definitely not what Ayunga was going for.
He sighs, takes up the mouse once again and clicks further, trying to find at least one photo that would be good enough to print.
This one.
On the photo, Ayunga can kind of make out Dalong in his sweater by the fire… if he squints hard enough, that is.
Ayunga laughs, defeated, and shakes his head. How could this happen?
Maybe he should’ve practice beforehand. It’s not like he had much time or desire to do so, but he could have at least talked to one of their photographers or cameramen. He could have checked that the photos were actually saved.
Well, he didn’t.
Ayunga looks at the last photo which was supposed to be of Dalong and fireworks in the background. He was so proud of this angle and how he supposedly managed to capture the way Dalong’s eyes sparkled with joy then. And his smile...
Ayunga closes his eyes, a small smile of his own curling in the corner of his mouth as he recalls that night.
He wanted to hang that photo somewhere in his flat and now... he doesn't have even five shots that would look good enough to print. The only thing he’s got now is his memories and official vlogs that are decidedly not the same...
Then it dawns on him.
Maybe not everything is lost.
Dalong also had a camera!
Ayunga almost jumps in his seat, struck by the thought.
Dalong must have photos as well, maybe even some similar ones, since they’ve been everywhere together.
Ayunga laughs, immediately relieved, and hurriedly opens WeChat.
Dalong’s reply is short and dry as always.
“Didn’t you have you own camera?”
Ayunga grins.
Typical Dalong. Not even a “good evening”.
“Yeahhh :// But I lost almost all of the footage and the rest is all bad and blurry!! I’m sure yours is much better! Could you, please, show me, Dalong~~”
“Mine is also very bad. All of it. Not happening. Good night.”
Ayunga frowns.
“You're no fun:(( Just a couple of photos! I’ll hang them in my apartment and never show anyone! I promise!”
“Nope. Wait for the official ones and have fun with those.”
Ayunga wants to start to type out a new message when another reply from Yunlong appears on the screen.
“And go to sleep. It’s 1 am. Why are you even awake, old man?”
Ayunga looks up to the clock on the wall and swears quietly. It seems he really stayed up too long. He sighs.
“I was just going to bed when I thought about my photos. I’m going to sleep now! Thank you for caring, Dalong~”
The reply comes fast this time.
“Sleep well.”
“You too.”
Ayunga pouts. Dalong’s probably just tired, he thinks, that’s why he’s so curt. They're going to see each other in a few days for another event, so there’s nothing to worry about.
Ayunga doesn’t even have time to miss Dalong, that’s how frequently they meet these days. Not that he awfully minds.
Ayunga smiles lightly and puts his phone down.
They’ll talk about the photos and Ayunga will do his best to persuade Dalong to share.
He goes to sleep with that thought warming him.
"What are you doing here?" Yunlongs voice is a little bit tired and raspy as he looks at Ayunga at his doorstep a couple of nights later.
"How could you forget, Dalong? I told you I’d come to look at your photos of our trip!"
Ayunga smiles excitedly entering his apartment.
Worry flickers on Yunlong’s face for a second, but he quickly masks it with his usual stony, somewhat annoyed expression as if nothing happened.
“And I told you I’d bring them over the next time we meet. Also, have you seen the time? Ah, never mind,” Yunlong rolls his eyes, “come in.”
"I’m returning to Beijing tomorrow,” Ayunga suddenly feels as if he is interrupting something, “I thought maybe I could look through them tonight, so we can get this over with. This way I won’t bother you with this anymore! You didn’t delete them, did you?”
Ayunga turns to Yunlong.
"Ah, no, I didn’t." Yunlong yawns and quietly lets Ayunga in, taking his coat. "They are all safe.”
Ayunga touches his shoulder.
“That’s good. Sorry if I caught you off guard. I was thinking of them the whole weekend and just couldn't wait.”
“It’s okay. I understand.”
Yunlong scratches his nose and smiles.
His smile is soft and nice as always, but something about it is a bit off. Before Ayunga can put his finger on it however, Yunlong turns for the living room, so he disregards the thought.
“Let me find them first. I actually don’t remember where they are.”
Ayunga goes after him and sits on the couch as Yunlong rummages through his computer. Pangzi quietly comes to the room and jumps on his lap. Ayunga coos and scratches behind his ears, listening to him purr. The silence is comfortable, and Ayunga slowly raises his head to look at the other man.
Yunlong is in his pajamas already, his hair down, parted in the middle. He’s not wearing any makeup, so Ayunga can make out all of his birthmarks. His gaze is quite tired as he looks through folders on the computer, biting at his lip unconsciously. He looks soft and domestic, and Ayunga suddenly thinks it almost unbearable.
So, he looks away.
“That’s it, here,” Yunlong sounds unsure and even shy.
Ayunga shits a little bit closer, looking at the screen.
“Thank you so much, Dalong. You have no idea how much I appreciate it.”
Yunlong smiles again, but it doesn't quite reach his eyes. He habitually tucks his bangs behind his ear, but it falls right back.
“Well, you’ve been warned. They’re not that good... Maybe even worse than yours...”
Ayunga lets out a laugh.
“I really doubt it. Dalong is so talented, isn’t he?"
Yunlong raises one eyebrow, obviously not impressed by his words.
A sudden realization goes through Ayunga’s head.
“Do you think I’d judge you?”
The look of distress in Dalong’s eyes confirms it.
Ayunga smiles soothingly.
“Ahh, Dalong, I would never shame your camera skills! I know for sure we both suck at it.”
“Mhm, yes,” Yunlong answers quickly and looks at Pangzi.
“You should’ve seen mine!” Ayunga laughs, remembering some of them, “I probably could’ve brought them today... But ah well. Maybe next time?”
Yunlong smiles at him, somewhat relieved, and nods.
“Next time,” he echoes and lowers his head a little, “next time.”
“So, ughh... can I?” Ayunga imitates tapping on a keyboard, “Look through them? It won’t take long, I promise. I just need a couple of them!”
Yunlong pauses for a few seconds as if deciding something. He hides his hands in the sleeves of his pajama, still looking everywhere but Ayunga. Eventually, he sighs and stands up.
“Yeah, sure. If you want to. I’m just…” he scratches the back of his head, messing up his hair even more, as though confused, “do you want tea? Maybe? I was going to make some when you came...”
“Tea sounds wonderful.”
Ayunga lowers Pangzi on the floor and sits in front of the computer.
“Great... great,” Yunlong folds his arms across his chest biting on his lower lip, “Yeah, umm, well. Start without me, then. I don’t want to bother you. I’ve already seen them, so.”
He tugs on his hair for the hundredth time this evening, casts a sheepish look at the screen.
“I’ll join you later.”
“Sure. I won’t bother you anymore, Dalong.” Ayunga waves at him.
Dalong is so worried, he thinks, that Ayunga might judge his skills too harshly. He decided to be quick and not say a thing.
Yunlong looks at him one last time with some unreadable expression on his face, sighs and walks away. Pangzi walks after him.
Ayunga hears the sound of water boiling from the kitchen as he clicks on the first photo in the opened folder.
Strange, he thinks.
That’s a photo of him. Of Ayunga. Smiling. Clearly laughing over something with Dalong. Judging by his clothes, they’re in the airport, just a few hours before the flight in the waiting area. It’s a close-up. And quite… a professional one?
He remembers the moment vividly. Just like everything else from the trip, honestly.
Dalong was playing with his camera all the way to the airport, clicking the buttons and making dumb faces as he usually did. He never said that he actually took any photos of him…
Ayunga clicks on the next photo.
Still him, in the airport. In this one, he’s talking on the phone, standing in front of a huge window.
Ayunga frowns. What’s that? He didn’t know Dalong was taking pictures of him at that moment. Why didn’t he show him?
He clicks again.
The third one. Ayunga. On a plane. Just him, with Dalong’s hoodie on and headphones in, nothing fancy. He’s looking at the clouds outside the small window. His gaze is pensive, almost melancholy.
Ayunga chuckles amusedly. Why would Dalong even take that photo?
And how did Dalong manage to take any of these anyway?
He really wants to ask Dalong all these questions, but he can’t quite bring himself to stop. He just clicks and clicks further and further.
His heart skips a bit. He stops laughing.
It’s all him.
It’s him sleeping. Him eating. Him laughing.
There are quite a lot pictures of him laughing, actually.
Then, it’s him with sheeps. Him with dogs, with horses. Him talking to someone. Him taking photos of the sunset. Him smoking. Him singing.
As if the only person on that trip was... him.
That can’t be. Not like that.
The last picture is on a balcony, late at night. The fireworks aren’t actually visible, but everything is reflected in Ayunga’s eyes. The way he is looking up at them, like a child seeing them for the first time. His eyes are open wide. Excited. Enchanted. Hopeful.
It’s the way Yunlong sees him.
Ayunga’s eyes sting. His heart races.
He hurriedly stands up to go to the kitchen, but there is no need.
Yunlong is by the door, and Ayunga doesn’t know, when he came or how long he’s been standing there.
Yunlong’s gaze is blank, his whole posture vulnerable and weak.
Ayunga cannot take it, emotions overflowing him.
“Dalong,” he whispers, suddenly very quiet, “why... why didn’t you tell me?”
Yunlong’s silent for a few seconds.
“I don’t know,” he shrugs, “you weren't supposed to see them.”
“No. Why didn’t you tell me?” suddenly, that’s all Ayunga wants to know.
“Ah, Gazi,” Yunlong closes his eyes for a moment, licks his lips nervously, “how could I?”
His voice is soft and low and trembles just a bit in the end.
Ayunga’s heart is shredded into pieces when he hears it.
“I didn't want to ruin what we had. That was enough for me. Always.”
For the first time throughout the entire conversation Yunlong raises his head. His bangs are ruffled and the edges of his sleeves are wet. His eyes are watery and sorrowful, and he still doesn't look at Ayunga.
“I’m sorry. I guess, I wasn’t strong enough to keep the secret after all.”
Yunlong tries to smile, but doesn’t really succeed.
Ayunga sighs. His big silly dragon.
They fall silent for a few moments, but it feels like centuries.
Ayunga tries to collect his thoughts, and Yunlong tries to think of words to apologize.
And then, Ayunga takes a small step towards him.
“What if,” he says, “you’re not the only one with a secret in his heart?”
Yunlong’s eyes immediately snap up to his. They are so big and scared, like a little sheep’. Ayunga comes closer and closer, studying his face.
“Wha-...”
“What if you’re not the only one who thought, for almost ten years, that this friendship was enough?”
Dalongs mouth opens slightly as he mulls over what Ayunga said.
“Gazi, you…”
“Yes, yes, Dalong.”
Ayunga brings one hand up to cup Dalong’s cheek. Yunlong covers it with his own.
“Every photo on my camera was of you, too.”
Ayunga breathes out and Dalong’s lips cover his with a tender kiss.
Yunlong’s lips are a bit dry and chapped after all that biting and he tastes like mint toothpaste and cigarettes, and it’s perfect. Ayunga deepens the kiss and hears a small laugh, as Yunlong moves closer to him. It feels like the last breath of spring and the first one of summer. About to blossom into something more beautiful.
They part, and Ayunga opens his eyes just to look into Yunlong’s eyes, still as big as an ocean, now calm and peaceful.
“Didn’t know you were such a talented photographer, Mr. Zheng,” Ayunga says.
Dalong throws his head back and laughs for the first time this evening.
“Didn’t know you were such a sap, Mr. A,” he strikes back, giggling.
And that’s how Ayunga knows that nothing has changed.
He catches one of Dalong’s hands and holds it tightly.
“If it weren't for my sentiments, you would still be hiding away from me.”
“As if you were planning to bring it up anytime soon,” Dalong scoffs, but his eyes are shining, and Ayunga can’t help but kiss him again.
Once they are apart, Yunlong doesn't let him go, embracing him and putting his head on Ayunga’s shoulder. Ayunga hugs him tightly.
“They are all so beautiful,” he murmurs, stroking Yunlong’s hair lightly.
“Who?” Yunlong asks dumbly.
“Your photos.”
Yunlong lets out a laugh.
“Naturally. It’s you.”
He says it easily, and Ayunga feel his cheeks reddening.
“No, not because of that. Nobody... ever photographed me like that. Thank you.”
Yunlong doesn't say a thing and just hugs him tightly.
Ayunga knows then that nothing is going to change.
He closes his eyes.
Next time they visit Mongolia, he’ll make sure he learns to take photos properly. Fortunately, he has both the best photographer and model by his side. They can manage the rest.