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Taehyung just couldn't believe that Jungkook was real. There were certain times like this that Taehyung would feel a sudden fall and his chest would feel cold, having an urge to reach out his hands towards Jungkook. On nights like this, he would clutch onto Jungkook tightly, digging his nails on the latter's back. Sometimes he would grip Jungkook's wrist so hard that he cut off the blood circulation on that area.
Tonight, in the high rise penthouse that he and jungkook shared for 3 years now-expenses all on jungkook--he had his head rested on Jungkook's bare chest. The younger looked over the floor-to-ceiling view of the night scenery of Seoul, hands combing his lover's hair, and breathing perfectly even. If Taehyung's fingernails digging on his back from his clawing and clutching on his skin, it didn't show. Not at all.
Taehyung's eyes might look calm looking at the same scene where his lover's eyes are at right now, but he was biting his lower lips so hard, enough to break the skin there. He was again hugging jungkook way too tight, clawing at his back and grabbing the skin there like it was just another piece of clothing. Tonight was one of those nights, where he had to ingrain that jungkook was real. That he had jungkook. that jungkook was his. That jungkook loved him. at nights like this, the taehyung of 4 years ago was coming back to catch him.
They'd spend nights like this. Taehyung adjusting to his reality. Like a camera losing its focus once in a while, his reality would blur and he gets so lost that he would have this internal panic, and would immediately sought out jungkook and touch him. Just a touch. Like a pinch to convince you that you were awake in unbelievable times. At least for Taehyung they were touches. Soft and gentle touches of reassurance. But while Taehyung took his time regaining his focus, it meant scars and bruises for Jungkook. But he didn't mind at all.
Gradually, Taehyung's hold on Jungkook's back was gradually loosening up, nails retracting from being embedded on his flesh. taehyung's breathing on Jungkook's chest was evening out, and something warm was spilling near Taehyung's face. Taehyung was starting to come back to him, back from the bokeh effect of the lights and muted sounds outside. He then started sobbing, and Jungkook was always ready to engulf him with his arms, hide his face on the crevice of his neck, cover him with their thick comforter, and whisper sweet and encouraging words all night. you did well. I love you. I am here. You're safe. We have a home. You are safe. You wont ever be hungry. You wont ever be cold. You have me. I love you. I am real.
Taehyung then would caress Jungkook's cheek and look into his eyes. He is real. Jungkook's real. "You are real" Taehyung whispered, voice still raspy from crying too much.
"Yes, love. I am real." Jungkook peeled the hand taehyung had on his cheek and kissed his palm. "Hungry? let me prepare something quick for you."
Before Jungkook could even move, taehyung was already shaking his head softly. Longing was still swimming in his eyes, but at least, Jungkook thought, these eyes recognized him. "Gukkie, touch me? make love to me?"
Jungkook started peppering his face with kisses, the salty taste of the older's tears still on his skin. But, Jungkook loved all of it. if he could, he would mold Taehyung's body with his and just be literally one with him. He adored Taehyung. all of him.
As he kissed his collar bones, he would be reminded of the bones he saw back then. As he bit taehyung's nipple and sucked and lapped on it, he would be reminded of the non-existent flesh of the past. He kissed his chest, gently going down to his tummy, never forgetting to leave a mark. He was real. He was Taehyung's, and he would always remind him of that.
When he brought taehyung's hard and leaking cock into his mouth, he would be reminded of the first time he saw him on the alley, bruising his knees on the filthy asphalt. Taehyung choked on a moan, hands on Jungkook's head, not knowing whether to push his head deeper or pull him off from the sensitivity. Jungkook loved Taehyung. Who he was, who he is; all of him. He embraced all of taehyung and all he saw was a man--the embodiment of his life and purpose.
His heart ached whenever he saw how Taehyung would scream how he was unworthy of Jungkook with his eyes, but all that mattered was they were together for years now, and many more to come. He licked and kissed his cock, at times lapping from his hole, to his balls, then back to his cock. It left Taehyung in a sobbing mess, but this time from pleasure. When Taehyung finally came, Jungkook bit hard on the inner thigh of Taehyung, and then licked the blood from the broken skin. You're mine. Mine.
---
These days, Taehyung has been relatively good. he had enough will to actually get up from his bed, water their indoor plants, and maybe read a book or watch a movie. Of course, there where still moments where he'd sit and stare at the white walls. Time would seem to stop, his feet digging further into the floor, if that were possible. sometimes it only took a couple of minutes. sometimes he wouldn't be able to snap out of it until the colors of the skies outside would change. Blue. Lilac. Pink. Orange. Until it would get dark again. but, one thing's for sure. Among all the times he wasn't doing any of those, Taehyung was eating. Eating until his jaw hurt from chewing and his stomach felt bad. He felt alive though. He felt life like this.
These days Jungkook would get home from work exhausted. He of course still kissed and hugged Taehyung whenver he got home. He still offered him his bunny smile. But his tired eyes couldnt really lie. His company was going through a big project right now and it's taking its toll on Jungkook. Taehyung would always think of Jungkook. He was his priority. Above all else. Taehyung was strong, and so he tried to be the strongest version of himself that he could muster and grounded the fact that Jungkook was real by himself.
He gave Jungkook his space. He watched him pace back and forth the living room. He watched him stare into nothingness while tapping his pen on his desk. He stayed there while Jungkook took numerous calls day in and out. Whether it be after work, during his day off, or before he could even wake up and have breakfast with him. But Taehyung was still taehyung. And, he couldn't change and be healed overnight.
As soon as Jungkook fell asleep, Taehyung held both of the younger's hands and gripped them with his own. He then faced his body toward Jungkook and stared at his face. He stayed like this for minutes, for hours, even when his eyes felt heavy and sleep was about to call him over, he resisted. But Jungkook could only stay still for so long, moving to face the other way. This caused him to pull his hands off of Taehyung, and it all went down from there.
Taehyung's eyebrows formed a knot, barely having a grasp of what was happening around him. It was like he was high, his mind mushy and heart beating fast. His hands remained where they were bit he tried his best to refocus his eyes on Jungkook, or the back of his head at least.
---
Taehyung couldn't just resist it anymore. he felt like this frame of his life is out of focus again, and Jungkook was getting blurry, blurrier as each day passes. Jungkook was currently on the phone with someone from his company. One of his hands holding the phone, while the other browsing through the documents on his desk.
All Taehyung could focus on at the moment was Jungkook's hand. Must hold it. must touch him. My Jungkook. And so he did. Taehyung went over where Jungkook was and hurriedly grabbed his hand, and rubbed his cheek on the back of it like a cat. Jungkook was about to snap on him when he saw the empty eyes of the older. No, he wasn't doing it as an act of endearment. He was holding on to it like a lifeline. And so jungkook had to make use of his other hand well and quickly ended the call. He then hugged taehyung, guiding him towards their room, not pulling his hand back from taehyung's hold.
---
"Gukkie, do you want me to bring you lunch later?" Taehyung asked while Jungkook was fixing the things he would be bringing to him to work.
He shook his head "No need, Tae. I don't want you getting tired. Plus, I don't know if I'd even have time for lunch." Packing the last of his files, he hugged taehyung and kissed the crown of his head. "I'll go now."
But Taehyung couldn't sit still. It worried how the younger didn't have any time for himself anymore. He knew that he wouldn't even be taking care of himself at work. So, he tried calling Jungkook again, wanted to infrom him that he would be coming to bring him lunch. His phone kept on ringing but Taehyung got no answer at all. He thought that the younger may really be too caught up on his work to eat or drink anything. He arranged the lunch he prepared anyway. He was gonna take a taxi and take care of his Gukkie. After all, he knew exactly that it's also about saving himself.
--
Jungkook's focus got broken by a knock on his door, a sharp pain on his head making him even more agitated. "What is it?" he told his secretary on the other side of the door.
His secretary went in for a bit, "Your boyfriend is waiting for you at the lobby, sir. should I let him in?"
Taehyung? Jungkook was wondering why Taehyung was here. He checked his phone for the first time since he came to work then and to see if taehyung sent him some message before he came. What he saw instead were 3 missed calls from him.
"Is that something you should still ask? Just let him in unless I have meetings in here. I clearly don't." Bowing, his secretary left to tell Taehyung to come in.
Normally, Jungkook would immediately welcome Taehyung in a hug and kiss him. he would always welcome him warmly like that. But, today Jungkook stayed seated in front of his desk full of stacks of documents. They didn't talk much. Jungkook ate the lunch Taehyung prepared him, with Taehyung beside him, holding his left hand.
--
Taehyung insisted to stay so he waited inside Jungkook's office while the younger went ahead to finally close the deal they have been working hard for for weeks to months now. Taehyung stood up to stare at the view outside of Jungkook's office. He's losing it. He's floating. He doesn't know what's real again
Jungkook had a bright smile on his face. Exhaustion gone from his features as the deal went good, and they could now rest assured and proceed with their next step. He was shaking hands again with the investor before they were lead out when suddenly, his hand was being grabbed, and he was being turned into a body for a hug. It was Taehyung. He was breathing heavily and uneven. hHs hands were trembling but his eyes were still as a placid lake. Jungkook's eyes were different though. They were ablazed with fury and impatience once more. There were plenty of eyes on them now, including the investor still in front of him.
"Sir Kang, I'm sorry for this, but please excuse me. I just have to handle this one for a bit." Jungkook said, head bowing multiple times to show the man that he was sorry and embarrased. The man told him that it was no big deal, and jungkook proceeded to thank him again.
"Kim Taehyung what are you doing?" Jungkook tried to make Taehyung look at him in the eyes while hissing through his teeth. "G-gukkie"
His name was all taehyung could say, or rather, whimper. Jungkook felt everything on his shoulder then, dragging taehyung out of the company to the cafe just a few shops away to sit him down and talk to him.
This jungkook isn't real. Who is this Jungkook? Jungkook? Where is my Jungkook? Jungkook?
Jungkook sat him down rather forcefully on a table and sat across him. "what is your problem?! You almost cost us the deal back there! Are you even thinking?" Veins were popping out of his neck, his hands curled into a fist. Taehyung wasn't answering him, he wasn't sure if the older could even understand him. Taehyung wasn't answering but he kept of reaching for Jungkook's hand. the younger knew he needed it, but retracted his hands still.
"Tae, 3 years. Almost 4. Can you please just trust me and stop acting on your insecurity already? Please. I'm not asking you much but please, just trust me. Have I ever left you? Denied you anything? Tae, I love you so much. But, oh god, this is insane! Aren't you sick of it yet? I am so, so tired Tae." he sighed deeply, then faced taehyung again. "Try it for me, yeah? No touching until we get home. Let's try it bit by bit, okay?"
Taehyung's eyes were regaining focus, but so was the recurring thought he had for years. Jungkook. His jungkook. That Jungkook. It wasnt real. This. This was Jungkook. And he was back there again. The back alley Taehyung. The homeless and starving Taehyung. The unwanted amd Dirty Taehyung. So, he nodded. He agreed to what this jungkook told him to do. Because this, or that, Jungkook was still his reason. He was still his life.
Jungkook then told him to finish his drink so that they could go back to the company to get his things and then go back home together. From standing up to walking next to him, Taehyung had always had the strong urge to reach for his hand. The hand he knew so well, the hand who would hold his as they walked, as they strolled, and as they crossed the street.
But crossing this pedestrian lane wasn't his Jungkook. athere was no hand holding his. No hand to pull him away from the rushing car coming from his left. Normally as your life is about to flash before your eyes, you'll focus, zoom in on the car. See it in full detail in less than a second. but Taehyung chose to face Jungkook. So that for the last time, he'll convince himself that it was all real. That the Jungkook with eyes blown wide across the street was the same Jungkook who would hold him while he cried himself to sleep. That he was the same Jungkook to wash his hair when he got too sick. He would bring the face of this Jungkook with him to his dreams along with the memories of the Jungkook who loved him.
Jungkook cradled taehyung on his lap as the older's rosy cheeks turned into a mess of crimson liquid. Blood from his head, to his face, to his neck. "Taehyung-ah! an-no, please no! No no no baby no. Oh god, no!" Jungkook was screaming towards the gradually turning cold body of Taehyung, falling on deaf ears and unfocused eyes. he grabbed Taehyung's hands, clasping them tight even even they kept slipping from the amount of blood. "B-baby, t-touch me? Hold m-my hand please? I was wrong. please. ahold me. Hug me! Touch me please!" Tears won't stop flowing out of his eyes, regret and pain choking him, filling his lungs with guilt and sadness.
---
Jungkook has been sleepless. Lifeless. No amount of light coming through his massive glass walls could penetrate the curtains of darkness that enveloped him. He was on the couch, hugging the cold marble urn of his beloved Kim Taehyung. He could still hear the giggles and the smell of the slightly burnt pancakes. he could still see him laid naked on the bed, illuminated by the lights of the city, or of the full moon. His Taehyung. His precious Taehyung whom he denied of what kept him going. he blamed everything on himself when it wasn't even really his fault.
His hands on the smooth and cold surface, whispering words of love, and drowning on his thoughts, wondering if any of this was real at all.