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"What a tiring day." Tay sighed as he got comfortable in the passenger seat. He wanted to stretch out more but the seatbelt secured around his body restricted further movements.
"Tell me about it and I still have to drive you home."
"I told you I can just book a ride so you can go straight home and rest. Here, let me—" He made a move to unlatch the seat belt but a hand prevented him from doing so.
"I'm not complaining, Tay. Don’t worry about it, plus I'd be more at ease if I drive you home.”
Tay sighed. "You don't have to worry about me. I'm used to taking cabs anyway."
It had been a long day for both of them. A sponsored event occupied most of their day, while the rest was spent on interviews and promotional shoots.
He knew well enough that New was beyond exhausted, add in the fact that he has been shooting nonstop for the past days and was most likely not getting sufficient sleep.
So imagine Tay's surprise when New volunteered to drive him home. He couldn't even be bothered to hide his shock at the offer. His reaction was probably worse than when New first spoke to him months after—
"There will always be a part of me that would worry about you, Tay. As you do about me," New said, cutting off his thoughts.
There was a long pause before the air around them almost visibly shifted. Tay's heart began to beat erratically and his throat slowly constricted. What the hell is he saying that out loud for? he thought.
Tay attempted to mask the awkwardness by letting out a nervous laugh, all the while trying to rack his brain for something to ease the situation, only to come up with nothing.
He did, actually, come up with something to say, but he was sure neither one of them was ready to hear it so he chose to keep quiet.
The car increased its speed just as silence echoed louder in the car. Tay's entire being said he should just welcome the quietness until they reach his house, no matter how uncomfortable it was, but—
"I missed this," Tay muttered before he could stop himself. He regretted the words almost immediately, especially when he saw how New stiffened and how his knuckles tightened around the steering wheel.
He only meant to reminisce, show a little sentiment to complement the cold night, but somehow, the ghost of the past managed to find a way to rattle them again.
"What happened to us, New?" Tay said in a somber voice. He knew he would most definitely regret it the next day, but who knows when he’ll get another chance like this?
The car stopped at a red light. New remained mum, while Tay only sighed in resignation. He refused to look at New, fearing what he'll see and fearing how he'd respond to what he’ll see.
"You know what had to happen, Tay." New's voice was barely above a whisper, but Tay heard the buried emotions it came along with loud and clear.
He knew that. It was a mutual decision to be civil with one another and continue on like nothing happened. It formed a palpable distance between them, along with an invisible strain only a few stretches away from snapping and breaking.
He knew it well enough, but regret still manages to find a way to creep its way into his mind somehow. He has long been wishing for the thoughts of what ifs to stop haunting him, but they are keen on reminding what could have been New and him.
"I know the what, but I would never understand the why. We were good together, New. We fitted each other well, filled in each other’s lapses, righted each other’s wrongs."
Tay willed himself not to cry. Crying can wait, crying can lull him to sleep tonight, hell, it can keep him awake for all he cares, but crying, he decided, won't happen in front of New.
"We were. We did. We were almost perfect, weren’t we?” New replied in a soft voice.
Tay had to scoff at that. “Perfect, right. Yet here we are. We don’t even know what we are.”
“Maybe it’s true that nothing is perfect and anything close to it is only an illusion bound to be shattered.”
Another round of silence. Tay thought that was the end until New spoke as he maneuvered through a curve.
“I don’t know if I should… I-It won’t change anything, but… I… oh fuck it. I miss you, Tay, I do. I long for you. I long for what we once were. I’ve thought about the what could have beens one too many times than I’d admit,” New confessed.
“So why didn’t you reach out? I was only waiting for you, New. I’m more than willing to take you back, you know that.”
“S—sometimes I allow myself to fall in the fantasy. Delude myself with the idea of us until reality slaps me that we can’t ever be. Not now, not with the amount of history between us.”
Tay wanted to contradict New, wanted to say he’s only being a coward and assure him they would leave the past where it should be, but the words got lodged in his throat because deep down, he knew New was right.
There was indeed so much history between them that forcing things to go back to the way they were would only deepen the scars instead of healing them.
They knew the only thing left to do is to move forward, even if that means not being together. At least not in the way they were before and not in the way they hoped to be.
They knew they had to stop seeking the memories of the past and stop expecting it to alter its course because that path has long been established. It would never change, no matter how many times they detour.
But the road onwards could. Maybe. Possibly. Hopefully.
Green light. The car accelerated, but unlike previously, it threaded hesitantly—unsure whether to speed up or slow down.
In the end, it settled in the middle, where it was relatively safe, where risks were less likely to be taken, and where others won't likely get hurt.
"How do we go from here then?" Tay asked, eyes trained on the intersection slowly manifesting itself.
The car paused a little as New decided on the road to take. Both ways lead to Tay's apartment, the only difference being the time it would take them there.
Tay pursed his lips, waiting for New’s decision. New used to always take the longer route, saying he wanted to buy them more time to settle the petty thing they were arguing about that day. But that night, he turned to the right—to the shortcut, to the quicker route.
"As friends," New answered.
Tay was quiet until they reached the front of his apartment. New cut off the engine and for the first time during the entire ride, Tay finally turned to New.
“As friends,” Tay repeated as if testing the words out.
New nodded. “Friends.” As they are. As they have been. As they should be. As what they’d only ever be.
"Well, thanks for taking me home. Drive safely." Tay removed the seatbelt and exited the car. He was about to close the door when New spoke again.
"See you tomorrow, Tay."
"See you tomorrow," He returned with a curt nod, before finally shutting the door.
See you tomorrow, hin.
Tomorrow, when the chains of yesterday would stop inhibiting us. Tomorrow, when the what ifs would finally stop hurting. Tomorrow, when we could finally begin again—together and apart. #