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Audrey Nathan never thought she was crazy. She never thought she was one to hallucinate or see things that weren’t there. In fact, she thought she was pretty on point when it came to what was and wasn't real. She always thought she had a pretty firm grip on reality.
Until today.
Today she was watching a dead man order coffee.
She was seated at a small table in the back corner of the cafe, still trying to warm up from the snow and sleet outside. The murmurs of other patrons' conversations and smell of coffee had been comforting when she’d first walked in, but now it all seemed trivial and unimportant.
Who cared how warm the atmosphere was when a man she thought long dead was standing at the counter?
He was all bundled up in a black winter coat and hat, the side of the hat hand-embroidered with his initials. Wait, hand-embroidered? Someone else knew he was alive, knew who he was… and had stitched his initials on his hat? Wasn’t that a bad idea for a S.H.I.E.L.D agent? Weren't their lives supposed to be confidential?
Apparently not, because he was standing in a very public coffee shop, his initials plastered onto the side of his head as if he were any other random civilian
Except for the small fact that he wasn't just a random civilian.
He was Phil Coulson, her… ex-boyfriend...? Was it rude to call him that? "Ex" had such a negative connotation… and it wasn't as if they'd broken up or anything like that.
No, they had been forcibly separated by his death, by a stab wound from a being of a different universe named Loki.
Maybe she should consider the options.
The man she was looking at right now could be a doppelganger. Audrey remembered reading some article the other day that said everyone had one. It had said that somewhere, out in the universe maybe, there was a being who looked just like you. You might never meet them, but they were there. But if he was a doppelganger, what were the odds that they had the exact same initials?
He could be a clone. S.H.I.E.L.D did cloning, right? They fought aliens and teamed up with superheroes, it wasn't completely out of the ordinary to think they might have cloned Phil. But then again, you'd think someone would have mentioned a Coulson clone walking around to her at some point, at least so she wouldn't be in shock like she was right now. And why clone him in particular? Not that she personally would object, but she couldn’t think of a crucial reason why S.H.I.E.L.D would need a second Phil Coulson...
Maybe he was a robot. She'd caught wind that S.H.I.E.L.D had some sort of robot program in the works. Was she about to meet Coulson 2.0? How was that even possible?
"Small black coffee with a shot of espresso, thanks."
Wow, even his coffee order was the same. Whoever had engineered this Coulson was a perfectionist.
Audrey took a breath as she got up from her table, slowly walking to where he stood waiting for his order. The only way to get any answers to her many questions was to confront the issue head on. His back was to her, which she was glad for since she couldn’t control the thundering of her heart as she tried to sort what she would ask him first.
Where had he been? What happened? Was he ever actually dead? Was it a lie? How long had he been around? Why didn't he come back to her? Did he want to? Was this some sick twisted joke?
"Ma'am?"
Audrey blinked, turning to the elderly man who had just tapped her arm.
"Huh?"
"The line starts back there, sweetheart." He offered kindly, gesturing to the short yet obvious line behind him. In her musing, Audrey hadn't noticed that she'd wandered right into the middle of it.
"Oh, sorry." She apologized, scooting past him with an embarrassed smile. “I’m not ordering I’m just-" she swallowed, turning to look at the man who still hadn't noticed her. "Phil."
"Audrey?" Phil's blue eyes were wide when they met hers, his cheeks and nose still red from the cold he had escaped. The winter cap he had come in wearing was resting over his arm now, his deep brown hair sticking up a little from the static. It had gotten thinner over the years, something that further convinced her that this was the Phil she knew, but it still looked as soft as ever.
Audrey got closer, not close enough to touch him but close enough to finitely confirm what she had been hoping. Something about the look in his eyes… she saw surprise, guilt, fear, embarrassment… This was indeed Phil Coulson.
Her dead man walking.
“Uh...Hi.”
"Hi? Really, Phil? Hi?" Audrey raised an eyebrow, her arms crossing over her chest. “You... disappeared for years and all you can say is hi?”
She didn’t mean to come across so angry, but she had every right to be. She’d thought he was dead. Not on vacation. Not busy with work. Dead.
“Audrey, I-”
“What are you even doing here?”
Coulson didn’t have to think very hard to understand what she meant. For Audrey Nathan, the Phil Coulson she knew had been killed in New York, several years ago now. That meant she had gone almost a decade thinking she would never see him again… while he had spent the last decade saving the world from the shadows with his makeshift spy family.
"Um… getting coffee?" He offered lamely, smiling sheepishly as he took the cup the bored barista was conveniently offering him. "The coffeemaker went out this morning."
"You know what I mean, Phil." she lowered her voice, leaning forward a bit so no one around them would hear. "How are you still alive?"
Coulson stiffened, his stomach flopping. He'd gone years without needing to explain his resurrection to anyone else, and he had enjoyed the reprieve. It was nice to just exist for a while.
"Audrey..." He gently took a hold of her elbow, guiding her away from the counter so they could talk, away from any of the nosy patrons. They stood near the two bookshelves against the wall, where two plush armchairs sat for anyone who wanted to read while they drank their coffee. But neither Phil nor Audrey was in the reading mood.
"I...I wanted to call you.” he sighed. “I wanted to tell you I was alright, but-"
Seeing Audrey hadn't hurt as much as he thought it would. He'd seen her out of his peripheral after he'd come in, and had contemplated braving the biting cold of a New York winter to find a different cafe… but he had been given a mission, and didn't want to jeopardize that mission because he didn't want to endure an awkward conversation.
No, seeing Audrey felt like seeing an old friend that you had stopped talking to. And in a way, that's what she was. An old friend, who he had cut ties with...by dying.
"Why didn't you?" She interrupted, her hands starting to tremble against her will. She shoved them into the pockets of her winter coat so he wouldn't see. "I was told you'd been stabbed… and I mourned you. And yet here you are, alive and well and… drinking coffee."
Coulson blinked, his brow furrowing as he stared at the cup in his hand.
"I'm sorry, Audrey. I would have told you the truth but…" he sighed heavily, running his free hand over his face. "What they used to save my life… it wasn't exactly the safest method they could have chosen. And there were forces in play that could have put a lot of people I cared about in danger. I chose to keep everything hidden from you because I wanted to protect you. By the time things calmed down it had been so long that I… I thought that maybe it was best that I stay away."
Audrey sighed as she searched his face. She felt awful for thinking he'd been hiding from her for any other reason. Coulson had never been the type of man to just drop off the map because he didn’t want to face someone. He liked to make things right, to patch up any holes he had created so that he had no regrets. Or at least… he used to be like that. It hurt to realize, but it had been almost a decade. Who knew what he had been through after all these years? Who knew if he was even still the same man she had been falling in love with?
"One phone call would've been nice." She forced a smile, deciding that she didn’t want their first conversation in years to be confrontational. Even if he wasn't the same man she had known all those years ago, she was open to understanding the kind of man he was now.
"I know, but you had so much to lose. Still do. I didn't want to jeopardize that. Besides," he took a step back, gesturing to her as a whole with a grin. "You seem to be doing well in spite of it all. I saw you're a featured musician in next week's performance."
Audrey rolled her eyes. This man still had a habit of changing subjects so fast it gave her metaphorical whiplash. She sighed, crossing her arms over her chest, trying to play off the warmth that spread through her at the sight of his smile. He had the most adorable smile…
She had missed that smile.
"Yes, well, I'm sure it's not as exciting as what you've been up to." She paused and smiled, her face tinting pink when she saw him blushing as well.
“It’s not as exciting as you might think.” he chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck with his free hand. “I actually retired from… my other job.”
“Retired? Oh.” Audrey raised an eyebrow, trying not to smile any more than she already was. “ I didn’t know people in that line of work could retire.”
“It wasn’t easy, trust me.” he shrugged. “But I didn’t exactly have a choice."
Audrey tilted her head, confusion and wonder written all over her face. Coulson couldn’t help but smile at the curiosity in her eyes. She had no idea what he had been through, and he wasn't about to tell her. All she needed to know was that he'd left S.H.I.E.L.D on his own terms. He'd left S.H.I.E.L.D because there was something more important to him that deserved his attention.
"Maybe… maybe you could tell me about it over dinner sometime?”
Phil froze, his mouth going dry at the prospect of sitting across from Audrey again. The last time they had done that, he had been about to propose. He had changed his mind at the last minute because Fury had texted him about Tony Stark and the Avengers Initiative. Going to dinner with her now would be wrong, for multiple reasons that he had yet to reveal to her.
“I... Audrey, I can’t-”
“Green tea for Phil Coulson!”
Phil physically jumped, chuckling awkwardly when Audrey tensed in response. He excused himself, stepping past her to walk over to the counter. He picked up the green tea, thanking the barista sheepishly before returning to where she stood. She eyed the green tea with a raised eyebrow, a laugh in her voice when she spoke.
“Since when do you drink green tea and coffee? Since when do you drink green tea at all?”
“Oh, it’s actually not for me. I can’t stand the taste.” Coulson laughed, setting the drinks down on the counter and tugging off his gloves. “I’m just picking it up.”
Audrey nodded slowly, unable to resist the way her eyes widened when the gloves were gone. His hands were a bit red, probably warm from the gloves and the drinks, but that wasn’t what had her so shocked.
He was wearing a ring. Gold band, perfectly settled on his left ring finger as if it was made for him and him alone.
Coulson noticed how quiet she’d gotten and followed her gaze, swallowing thickly when he saw what had thrown her off. Her gaze shot up to his face, concern replacing the curiosity he had seen a moment ago.
“Phil, are you-”
The bell over the coffee shop’s front door rang out, and it inexplicably captured his attention. Phil's eyes lit up suddenly, causing Audrey to look at who had entered as well.
A beautiful Asian woman was wiping snow from her face, dressed head to toe in winter attire that matched Phil's almost to a T. Even down to the winter cap with embroidery on the side. The only difference was that her hat had "M.C." on it rather than the "P.C." that was on his.
Did they have the same last name? It looked like it. But why…?
Audrey looked back to Phil, whose face had softened as if he were watching a puppy wrestle with a blanket. His eyes were brighter than ever, an affectionate smile gracing his lips when the woman's eyes met his. She smiled in return, only noticing Audrey when she was only a few feet away from them. It all made Audrey's heart ache just a little.
Was it her? Was she the reason he had left S.H.I.E.L.D? Audrey secretly hoped not.
It wasn't that she thought Phil was still hers. It had been far too much time for that. But she had hoped that he at least still had feelings for her. They had been torn apart so abruptly, and seeing him like this had made her believe that maybe it was fate. That maybe fate was giving them a second chance at finding happiness together. But now, watching Phil stare at this other woman as if she were his light in darkness… Audrey realized that maybe fate was offering her closure so she could finally move on.
"I was starting to think you got lost in here." The woman said to Phil, who rolled his eyes and handed her the green tea he'd been holding.
"I'm not that incompetent, Melinda."
Melinda. Why did that name sound so familiar?
"Oh, um… Audrey, this is Melinda." Phil smiled, gesturing to them in turn. "Melinda, this is-"
"Audrey Nathan, I know." Melinda smiled, shaking Audrey's offered hand.
"Oh. Right." Phil blushed, chuckling softly. "Forgot you knew."
"Nice to meet you, Melinda." Audrey smiled, then looked to Phil who had been sipping his coffee in a constant stream while watching them interact. He really was too cute. "You've been talking about me, Phil?"
Coulson coughed, drops of coffee flying out of the cup as a result and hitting him in the face.
"Occasionally."
"We were both agents. Partners, actually." Melinda laughed softly as she reached over and gently wiped the coffee away from his eyes with her napkin. "You were in his file."
"Ah, I see. I was wondering why your name sounded familiar." Audrey nodded, trying not to read too much into the fact that she had been inserted into Phil's S.H.I.E.L.D file. "I think he mentioned you once or twice as well."
"He likes to ramble."
"Not much has changed, then." Audrey shrugged, smiling a little.
"I doubt he ever will." Melinda laughed as well, using the other side of her napkin to finish cleaning his face.
"How long are you two going to insult me as if I'm not standing right here?" Phil muttered, his statement not having as much impact with the way he was looking at Melinda.
"As long as it takes, Phil."
Audrey tried not to frown too much as she watched Melinda take care of Phil, but it was difficult. There was an obvious tenderness there, in both the way she touched him and in the way he looked at her… like she was his sunshine in the midst of rain. They were obviously close, closer than friends and closer than partners. Even the way they bantered felt intimate, as if every exchange held a secret meaning that no one would get but them.
Audrey almost didn't want to put two and two together to understand just how close they were, because she had a strong feeling that she might not like the answer.
"Oh, Phil, did you remember my-"
"Scone for Melinda Coulson!"
"See? I told you. Not incompetent." Phil grinned at Melinda, who rolled her eyes and walked up to the counter to retrieve her scone.
Well that confirmed it.
"So… you are married."
Phil blinked, then looked at Audrey as if he had forgotten she was there. He smiled sheepishly, tossing his empty cup of coffee into the wastebasket behind him.
"Yeah… going on two years now."
Audrey tried her hardest to smile, but all she could manage was an upward twitch of her lips.
"So..." Audrey watched Melinda for a moment longer, something else dawning on her all of a sudden when Melinda turned her body to grab a napkin for her scone. It made Audrey's stomach drop when she realized what she was seeing. "When… when is she due?"
Phil blinked, tearing his gaze away from Melinda and staring at Audrey in shock.
"...In a few months.... But… But how did you-?"
"Trust me, Phil. We women can tell." Audrey's smile was as genuine as it could get, all the uncertainty and pain that had been building in her gut feeling less like it would kill her. Phil was going to have a family. And sure it bothered her that his family wouldn't include her, but she couldn't help but be at least a little happy for him. He deserved something like this, had wanted a family even back when they were dating.
He had that now.
Phil sighed softly, his gaze back on the love of his life who was making what looked like casual conversation with the barista.
"I actually had no idea for the longest time. She made me figure it out on my own." He chuckled, remembering the day it had dawned on him. "You can imagine how long it took."
After Phil and Melinda had retired from S.H.I.E.L.D, they'd gone on an extended vacation together where all they did was relax and try to forget the trauma they'd experienced. Daisy had insisted they take as much time as they needed, and so they had. Almost a year of traveling the world, picking the most remote places to settle for a few weeks before packing up and moving on.
It was in that last stretch of time, the last week of their travels, that he realized he didn't want to let any part of it go. At the time they hadn't put a label on what they were, content to just enjoy being together without the constant fear of death or peril hanging over their heads. But lying in a hammock on a beach in Bermuda, with May half-asleep in his arms… he decided he wanted something more permanent. They had spent their lives on the run, if they were finally going to settle down together he wanted it to be as close to domestic as possible, for both of their sakes.
He'd blurted out his proposal at dinner that night. If he closed his eyes and concentrated, he could still see the sparkle in her eyes when he repeated his question at her request. And now, two years later, it was as if the insanity they'd endured as part of S.H.I.E.L.D had all but evaporated from her. She wasn't as withdrawn or standoffish as she once was. She smiled more, laughed more, teased him more... It was the Melinda he knew before Bahrain, the one full of life and excitement and affection that he felt privileged to be a recipient of.
It was a lazy Sunday evening when he'd figured out that she was pregnant. They'd been lounging around their home in Ireland all day, only leaving the house once to pick up ingredients for their dinner. She had been lying on the couch reading, and he had been in the kitchen finishing up the sauce for their main entree when it hit him like a freight train.
He'd just about given Melinda a heart attack when he appeared in the living room, sauce smeared across his shirt.
"You're pregnant!"
Melinda had laughed at his enthusiasm, especially when he picked her up and showered her with so many kisses that she was left a squirming mess by the time he was done. They had both cried a river of happy tears, so much so that Phil had hiccups afterwards and had chugged bottles of water to make them go away...which resulted in a stomach ache that Melinda had had to comfort him through for the rest of the night.
"I guess I'll have to take a rain check on that dinner." Audrey said softly, bringing Coulson out of his memories. "Looks like you'll be pretty busy for a while."
Phil couldn't think of what he could say at that moment. He wanted to apologize again for disappearing, wanted to see if he could help her with whatever she might need, wanted to make up for all the worry and grief she had been put through-
"Hey, I know that look." Audrey said, placing a hand on his arm. "And don't worry about me, I'll be fine. You've got a family now, Phil. Focus on taking care of them. You... don’t owe me anything."
And she meant that. He didn't owe her anything now. They had shared a portion of their lives together, but fate had had other plans. Audrey had been fine with the way things had been going. Her career was on the rise, she had been going on blind double dates with her friends from the orchestra, and was living rather comfortably traveling the country for months at a time. Seeing Phil, while initially painful and somewhat heart wrenching, was a necessity she hadn't known she needed. Knowing he was alive and happy was the last piece of the puzzle for her.
Phil gave her a soft, somewhat apologetic smile, his gaze shifting away when he noticed that Melinda was headed back towards them, phone in hand.
"Let me guess. Daisy?" he chuckled softly, glancing at the phone in her hand.
"Yeah, she said she's got something for us." Melinda replied.
"She's at the house?" He raised an eyebrow, his tone curious and a little concerned. Daisy only dropped by unexpectedly when she was injured and needed to recover, or when she had gone through a particularly traumatizing mission and needed to be comforted by “Mom” and “Dad”.
"Apparently." Melinda shrugged, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear. "Probably something else for the baby."
"The kid's not even here yet." Phil grunted. "Why does he or she need another mountain of toys? We don't even have room for any more."
"Daisy?" Audrey hadn't even realized she'd spoken until the word was already out. "Daisy ‘Quake’ Johnson? The Inhuman?"
"That's the one." Phil chuckled, blushing hard at the feel of May’s hand in his back pocket as she slipped her phone into it. She usually stuck her phone in his back pocket, since she “liked knowing exactly where it was”, but it felt ten times more intimate with Audrey standing right there...and he wasn’t exactly sure why.
"But don’t tell anyone.” Melinda snorted, absentmindedly reaching up to situate Phil’s winter cap back on his head. “She would find some way to be embarrassed.”
“Kids always get embarrassed by their parents, even if they aren’t doing anything to warrant the embarrassment.” Audrey laughed softly, trying to hide the pang of longing she felt. She had to admit it to herself, it did sting a little knowing he had moved on to the point where he had created these bonds with people she didn't know. But it had been a decade. So many things had happened in her own life, it was selfish to think that nothing had happened in his.
Phil’s phone ringing from his jacket pocket somewhat startled all three of them, and he fumbled for a minute before pulling it out.
“It’s Daisy again. Guess she wanted to call both of us.” he chuckled, tapping the screen and walking a few steps away with it pressed to his ear. “Coulson.”
Audrey and Melinda waited patiently, chatting about the baby and Melinda’s due date while Phil was occupied. Audrey tried to ignore the discomfort she felt just talking about Phil’s baby. She knew she was supposed to be happy for them, happy that he had recovered from whatever had been done to bring him back to life and had found someone to love, who so obviously loved him back. He had a family now, responsibilities that she couldn’t relate to because her career took priority over most things.
But she was conflicted. The man she had once loved and had wanted to spend the rest of her life with had died. He had died, and she had grieved him...only to find out that he had come back to life, hadn’t told her about it, and had continued living his life... to the point where he was married to a woman he so obviously adored, with a baby on the way. She was happy for him, but there was still an inkling of hurt there that she realized would probably never fade.
“Alright, alright.” Coulson huffed in response to whatever Daisy was saying, rolling his eyes as he held the phone away from his mouth for a moment. “She’s being impatient.”
“She gets that from him.” Melinda snorted, glancing to Audrey who responded with a smile that she hoped seemed genuine. Phil was back on the phone, quietly bickering with Daisy while making unnecessarily goofy hand gestures that made Melinda roll her eyes. “...It looks like we should probably get going. It was nice meeting you, Audrey.”
“Nice meeting you too.” Audrey nodded, shaking Melinda’s hand.
Audrey watched Melinda weave her way through the small crowd that was milling about the cafe, turning away when he saw Phil wrap an arm around her and lean in while still on the phone. When she chanced a look back in their direction, Melinda was holding the phone to her ear and Phil was making his way back towards Audrey without looking at her.
“Audrey, I…” he sighed when he stood in front of her again, reaching up to pull his hat down over his ears a little bit more. “I’m not exactly sure what to say.”
“‘See ya later’ feels wrong.” Audrey shrugged with an uncomfortable smile. “I...I’m not sure there’s a phrase in the English language that would feel right.”
“Yeah…” Phil chuckled softly, sliding his hands into the pockets of his jacket. “I guess ‘have a nice life’ would work? Since we won’t see each other again...”
“Even with the negative connotation.” Audrey laughed softly, nodding slowly in acceptance that this would more than likely be the last time she ever saw him.
“The definition of ‘connotation’ is an idea or feeling that a word or phrase invokes, in addition to its literal or primary meaning.” Phil’s mouth twitched upward in a shy yet knowing smirk. “You taught me that definition.”
“I did.” she took a breath, willing the memories of their time together as a couple to fade back into her subconscious where they had been up until now. “So...I guess ‘have a nice life’ would work for this particular situation.”
“Because for us it has a literal meaning.”
“I want you to have a nice life.”
“And I want you to have a nice life.”
“So…” he chuckled, hitting her with the lopsided grin she had thought she would never see again. “Have a nice life, Audrey Nathan.”
“You have a nice life as well, Phil Coulson.” Audrey replied softly, shaking his offered hand and giving him a laugh that finally felt and sounded real. “Now go home.”
Audrey Nathan never thought she was crazy. She always thought she had a pretty firm grip on reality, and prided herself on having both feet on the ground.
Until today.
Today she was watching a dead man walk away with his wife's hand safely tucked in his own… and out of Audrey's life forever.
Her ex, Phil Coulson, had let go and moved on.
It was time she did the same.