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I don't know what hurt more.
The way people would talk behind my back.
The way that the boys would steal my stuff.
The fact that the girls who used to talk to me allowed it to happen.
The rumours that began to follow me with piercing eyes and darting lips.
That sometimes the teacher's would call home because they were "concern."
When I got home my mom yells at me for disturbing everyone.
Or when my little brother haggles me for being useless.
I don't know. I try to pass it off as being too tired to care.
And even if I go to sleep to escape the day, the night is just as unwelcoming.
"Have you ever talk to that girl?" Someone in my class murmured within earshot.
"Not really," another would reply back. I've never talked to them before.
"Do you really think she can see ghosts?" The rumours were taking a twist.
"She must be able to," another voice pipe in, laughing, "she came from a witch after all."
I clenched my hands into fists, trying to fight my desires to go to sleep just to ignore the conversation.
"How is Yoon Isu doing in your class?" The counsellor talked to one of my teachers who happened to walk by, "Is she active in discussions?"
"Not really," the teacher replied, though seem expectant to try to put in a good word, "but she catches up on her studies despite that."
"I see," the counsellor nodded, taking a look at my papers, before looking back at me and the teacher, "is there anything you would like to say to your student?"
The teacher flinched, before turning his head to look at me and thinking of what to say. I didn't ask for such unwarranted advice.
"There's not much to say, but Isu could do more with interacting with the others and in class," he finally gave his comment and turning towards me, "the students are worried about you after all."
My jaw tightened at the lie.
My face pressed against the wall, a hand clawing into my scalp as the boys gathered around to mock.
"Hey, do you know about witches?" One croak towards his peers.
"Not really," I heard rustling, possibly gathering something from a bag, "but I've seen a video where they cut themselves and smear weird herbs atop of it."
"That's crazy," their hand jerked and my skull clack against the wall, "do you think she'll run home and do that weird stuff?"
I have no idea what they're talking about.
A sharp point pressed against the back of my neck, causing me to jump in shock and terror.
"Only way to find out," the laugh engrain into my brain in the empty classroom.
I jerked myself away from their claw and whatever's pointed at me and even kicked their leg to let me go. It worked, but an annoyingly loud groan was let out as their glares direct towards me.
I can't remember what emotion those glares were supposed to represent.
He dropped the pencil, assuming that is the thing jabbing my neck, and he stood up with a disturbing grin, "You better watch yourself, freak."
I returned home, growing desperately exhausted.
A clang came from the kitchen, causing my legs to buckle like a post.
"Not really," the harsh tone of my mother's voice could be heard, a clatter as she pick up whatever had fallen, "Isu is becoming a problem child. Do you think it's because I didn't discipline her enough when she was little?"
I messed with the brim of my skirt, trying to quietly kick off my shoes.
"After what she's done to her brother," mom's voice began to grow agitated, "I should have known better. That girl is nothing but a pain," the rest of the conversation drone out because this isn't the first time she's talked behind my back.
I scrolled online before heading to bed: how to sleep better, how to stay awake longer, removing dark circles, how to pretend to be happier, how to build better relationships, how to stand up for yourself, any school where people won't know me, part-time jobs, how much it costs to be self-sufficient, how much is therapy ( as if I would get one ), how to not be a bad person, how to be liked, why am I bad, why do people hate me, why does my family hate me, why can't I be good at anything, why am I, why why why why why why-
I flinched, recalling what I was supposed to be doing before laying my head in my palms. It's all getting to me.
The cycle continued, the only difference is that Eunbyeol paid attention to me.
She woke me up, she tried to talk to me, she even tried to let me talk to her friends.
They weren't comfortable and neither was I.
I assume Eunbyeol did it out of responsibility, but I'm not something she should be responsible for.
"Do you know why you have to take care of Isu?" Eunbyeol's friend talked to her around the cafeteria table, I stood by and listened when I heard my name.
"Not really," Eunbyeol replied, eating her lunch.
"It doesn't make sense that the teacher told you to do something so extra," another girl join the conversation, seeming exasperated at the thought, "you're not her alarm clock and she's a constant downer."
My shoulders weigh down from the realization.
"Hm?" Eunbyeol looked at me as we stood in the classroom.
"Sorry," I mumbled, dropping the milk coffee on her desk as a farewell gift.
Eunbyeol paused for a moment, but her eyes were unfaltering, "Is there something wrong," she spoke, but barely phrased as a question.
I held my head low and shook my head, "Not really."
Middle school ended and I was in the second year in high school.
Tap, tap, tap.
I stir myself to sit up, brushing strands of hair out of my face as I fix my gaze at who woke me up.
"It's lunchtime," I met with golden eyes as Seongha reminded, pulling out a free chair to sit by my desk.
I nodded, already aware, "I don't eat lunch,"
"I know that," the vice rep sighed, though pulled out a lunch box anyway, "but you better eat something, you collapsed and had a nosebleed not that long ago after all."
My hands trembled from remembering, glancing at her left wrist that was hurt from the incident, "Y-Yeah..."
Seongha must have noticed my trepidation, trying to shoo whatever thought I was having, "Hey, I'm not mad about that anymore," she explained, "I just don't want something like that to happen again,"
I looked at the lunch box with an antsy feeling, "Um, but you would get in trouble if you eat in the classroom," I recalled one of the classroom rules.
"Yeah, but they might be a little lenient on me since I'm the vice rep," she tried to reassure, but the logic didn't make all that much sense to me, "and I made this for you, so I want you to at least eat something."
"???" I must have looked like a deer in headlights.
"I made a sandwich and there are sliced apples," Seongha was quick to explain, "stuff that shouldn't leave a big mess,"
"But... won't you get hungry?" I fidgeted, yet feeling slightly warm at the thought that she went out of her way to do something like this
She mumbled, thinking about it, "If you want, I can go to the cafeteria to get something to eat and come back," she came up with an answer, but for some reason I didn't like it.
"No, it's fine, you should eat this instead since you made it,"
"Oh come on!" Seongha sighed, opening the lid of the lunchbox with a soft pop and taking out an apple slice, "If it will make you comfortable, we can share it instead."
My face heated up just a bit at the proposition but nodded anyway.
I took an apple slice, munching softly as Seongha did the same, before splitting the sandwich in half for both of us. Cabbage and egg. It tasted really good, more than it's supposed to.
And as we ate lunch together, the whole time I glance at the other and thought 'She is too kind.'
"What is your relationship with Yoon Isu?" I accidentally eavesdrop on another conversation between Eunbyeol and Seongha, the two talking about me once more.
"What do you mean?" Seongha returned with a question.
"Like, are you two friends or just acquaintances," the short hair class president explained.
My heart beat out of rhythm, worried about what the answer may be.
"Not really," Seongha finally said, their footsteps inching further away from me, "I don't know what Isu thinks of me."
"Do you still think she's a loner?" Eunbyeol turned, yet glanced towards my direction. I jumped and pulled my head back, wondering if she noticed me.
I tried to steady my anxiety as I continue to crane my head and listen.
"No," the door clack open, marking that the two are leaving the hallways, "I don't think she is, I think she's a bit too worried about how people think of her."
"What makes you say that?" I wanted to tell Eunbyeol to back off, but I stayed quiet.
Seongha groaned, "You know, I'm starting to think you care more about Isu then you let on," step step, signifying the two are walking off, "and it's a thought, Isu is..." the door closed, unable to hear further.
I stood there, wrapping my head what they were talking about, and left utterly confused on what I should take from that conversation.
What do I want from Seongha?
Seongha went home early.
I waited at the front of the school, wondering if it's worth going home now or staying back just a bit. I didn't want to take a nap either.
Step step, I turned my head to meet Eunbyeol creeping behind me. I glared, taking a step away from her ready to make a run for it.
"Can I talk to you?" She spoke up, stopping me in my tracks as I feel my fingertips clawing into my palm.
"Not really," I murmured.
And yet like an idiot, I stood there in case there was something else to be added, the two of us standing for an odd moment.
I fwip my head towards Eunbyeol, growing annoyed, "What did you want to say?"
"You said that you didn't want to talk-"
"I know I did, but tell me anyway," I sighed, unsure why I am bothering at this point.
Eunbyeol looked at me for a moment, before looking at the sky that is growing amber, "You overheard Seongha and I, didn't you?" her brown eyes glowing from the reflection, and yet a slap to our past.
"Yeah," my voice came out low, "we keep running into each other,"
"Do you like Seongha?" Eunbyeol asked a question out of nowhere.
"Huh?!" It caught me off guard, "I mean, I do, but who doesn't? Seongha is nice to everyone and she always wants to help..." I remembered when Seongha held me to wake me from my nightmare with worry drowning her voice, "there isn't anything you can dislike about her." my hand released, but my palm was left stinging.
The taller girl nodded, "She is reliable," she agreed, "but that is not what I meant. Do you like Seongha?"
I thought about the question, feeling my face becoming hot, "We go to an all-girls school-"
"I meant if you like Seongha, you should tell her that you see her as a friend," Eunbyeol shift her hands into her pockets, "because from what she's telling me, Seongha is the one taking initiative in your relationship and you push her away."
"W-What?" confusion crept onto my face.
"She didn't phrase it like that," Eunbyeol raised her hand into a pointer, "but when she made lunch for you, you seemed uncomfortable. I mean, we came to the conclusion that it's probably because you rather nap then eat during lunchtime," she moved her hand to hold her chin, her eyes towards me, "though I wanted to hear it from you."
I remembered the lunch Seongha made, my hand gripping on my backpack, "I guess," my voice came out low, coughing to steady my voice, "I was just surprised that she took the time to make lunch for me, even though she has her own friends to eat with," I finally explained my thoughts to the class rep by me, "I... a part of me was worried that she might become an outcast if she kept spending time with me, but..." I was scratching at the strap of my backpack now, remembering my feelings and how childish they are, "another part of me wanted her to do it more often. It's probably just that,"
"Just what?" Eunbyeol raised her brow.
My chest tightened for some reason, "I don't need to tell you,"
"Then tell Seongha at least," she sighed, looking away from me, "maybe then you two can see eye to eye."
Eunbyeol then began to walk off, the tree rustling more as the wind stir more. "Hey, don't tell Seongha about what I told you!" I yelled, drying my voice out from the amount of talking.
"Don't worry, I won't." I heard her say before she turned to give me her casual grin.
I grumbled, wondering what I should do now.
I stared at my phone.
I began to do that more often ever since I got Seongha's number.
We don't talk all that much, most likely because I don't have a lot to say either.
But when I get a message from her, my chest feels less heavy.
"Hey! Are you sleeping any time soon?"
"not yet."
"Then are you doing anything at the moment?
"no."
"are you?"
"Finishing up on some of my homework."
[ Sticker of a tired bear ]
"ok."
"Are you free?"
"why?"
"I was wondering if I could call you." ✓
I paused a moment, my thumbs hovering over the keyboard as I reread the message. 'Call me?' The words wrapped around my head, I sat up from my bed and looked at my door.
My brother won't be home until later, so I should be fine.
I went back to my phone, a little antsy and excited since this is going to be the first time I've called a friend in a while.
'Wait, friend? Are we even friends?' I tried to shake the thought, writing my message.
"i'm free."
"Cool! I'll call you in just a bit."
[ Sticker of a bear giving a thumbs up ] ✓
My foot began tapping, waiting for the call.
What did she want to talk about? It's probably something serious. Considering she went to Eunbyeol about me.
I can feel my brows furrowing.
What if Seongha is mad at her? Is that why she wanted to call? This is the first time we're calling after all. There's no way she could be calling for fun. Oh. What if I actually did mess up this time? I should have thought about it further. What is-
Ring ring.
I jumped as my phone rang for the first time in a while, looking at Seongha's profile. I took a deep breath and accepted the call.
"H-Hello?" I mumbled, more nervous than I wanted to.
"Hey Isu," I could hear her voice, seeming more tired than expected, "how are you feeling? Tired?"
I shook my head, though finding it stupid since she couldn't see me, "Not really," it wasn't a lie, although I am constantly tired, "about normal. You sound sleepy," I took note.
"Haha," it was her signature awkward laugh, but it was nice to hear, "sorry, the homework ate a bit of my energy. Did Eunbyeol talk to you?"
I shirk, "Y-Yeah." I grumbled.
"Sorry about that," there was a bit of a sigh, "I know she means well, but really, I'm not mad at you or anything at all."
I know she isn't lying, but I still feel doubtful, "... are you disappointed in me instead?" I made up an answer for her.
It was quiet on her end for a moment, wondering if this time I stepped over the line. Before I could try to apologise, Seongha's voice returned, "Sorry, I was trying to think about it," sounding a bit more serious, "and I guess I was disappointed. Not because you did anything wrong," the last part added in quickly, "but because... actually, it's stupid to think about."
"I don't think what you're feeling is stupid," I blurted, though honest that I did care.
"... You think so?" Seongha's voice was a bit soft, causing me to cover my mouth to not blurt anything stupid, "I mean, I guess I was just disappointed that I might not have your trust."
"W-What makes you think that?!" the thought alarmed me.
"Well before you used to purposely ignore me," there was another laugh, though I felt a little embarrass recalling it, "but, uh, I wouldn't mind if you were more forthcoming with what you want. Like when I wanted to spend lunch with you."
My ears burned, feeling like I heard something unexpected, "I-I liked it, I thought it was nice getting to eat together."
"Really?" she sounded doubtful, "I wouldn't mind doing it again, but you were... you looked distant and uncomfortable, honestly," I blinked, realizing why she would think that.
"N-No!" I stammered, "Really, I enjoyed it and I wouldn't mind eating lunch again if I'm not too tired, honest!" my hand fidgeted and mess with the ends of my black hair, "It's just- well, you have friends and you have things to do as a vice rep, and I know you want to figure out how to stop the whole dreamscape thing from continuing so I also wouldn't mind if I continue to nap like usual-"
"I know that," Seongha's voice was sharp, "but like I said for both our sakes I want you to eat a little more."
"... I know," I held the phone tightly, "but I wasn't trying to be distant because I was uncomfortable," my brain finally calming down as I responded, "I was busy thinking that you were really kind. And that I might be selfish for wanting to take more of your time."
Another silent pause. I began to fret as I looked at my phone.
"S-Sorry, I know it's very middle school drama to think about-"
Then there was an abrupt giggle. I stood there, confused at what was funny or what I said, yet I held the phone close to my ear to make sure I can still hear her.
"Was that really what you were thinking?" She asked as her fit died down.
"Yeah," I admitted, growing shy.
"Then," Seongha sounded more pleased than she did earlier, "I guess I'm a bit selfish for wanting to call you right now too."
"What!" What kind of conclusion is that? "I don't think so at all-!"
"That's what I'm saying," there was a creak emitting from Seongha's side, possibly her laying down on her bed frame, "I don't mind if you want to hang out with me a little more," there was a pause, before adding, "sometimes I want to know more of what you're thinking and what you want, you know."
I hitch my breath, "Then," I pulled my legs up towards my chest, "we aren't just acquaintances?"
"Is that what you want us to be?" She sounded unamused.
"Not really," I tapped on my knee, "I'd like us to be friends."
There was another silent pause before a sigh was heard, that of relief, "Finally you told me," Seongha shuffled, possibly moving around her bed, "I think I'd like us to be friends too."
I couldn't help but smile, a weight off my shoulders just by hearing such small words from Seongha. "You won't be mad if I act a little more selfish?" I leaned back, feeling more relaxed.
"Of course not, as long as you trust me!"
"Then," I couldn't help my chest from feeling comfortably warm, "I'd like to call like this again,"
And just like that, I finally got someone as kind and amazing as Seongha by my side.
Maybe then I can happily sleep and face the foreboding nightmare with a smile on my face, knowing that I have at least one person behind my back.
Not really, but I did sleep better for once.