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Not too long ago, Xie Lian had been stirred awake by the bitter cold eating away at him.
Now, he was silently laying in bed while wrapped in his husband's cold arms. Xie Lian slightly observed the space around him, only for him to find it to be nearly pitch black, the only source of light being the soft reflection of the moon through the windows of their small cabin atop Mount Taicang.
After a somewhat rude awakening like this, Xie Lian would usually be drowsy, but due to the intense chill, it seemed to be the direct opposite. His attention was now focused on the pair of arms wrapped around his waist, their embrace loose yet tender. Each time he woke up being held by this gentle pair of arms, he would only remember just how warm the person next to him was. In Xie Lian’s opinion, even if his husband Hua Cheng was a ghost, he still had the most warm and generous heart one could ask for.
A fuzzy feeling always arose in his heart, seeming as though yet another reminder of how this man made him feel so full of love and fulfillment, made him feel whole.
For a while, Xie Lian had been tucked away in Hua Cheng's chest, and after some time finally decided to look up to see the state of his husband. Sometimes, Xie Lian would wake up to find Hua Cheng experiencing nightmares, so he wanted to make sure he was comfortable, even in his sleep. Hua Cheng was always so adamant about taking care of Xie Lian, so it made him feel somewhat unsettled and bothered when he would never be able to return the favor.
Hua Cheng had always been much too humble when it came to being cared for.
When Xie Lian looked up, he noticed Hua Cheng's pale features illuminated by the gentle moonlight. With his face at rest, he seemed so peaceful, so unbothered, and so...calm. He always loved watching his husband's face during the night, as it was the only time Hua Cheng seemed to fully let his guard down. He resisted the urge to caress his hand across his chilly, eerily smooth skin.
But seeming to have remembered something, Xie Lian slightly grimaced for a moment and let out a sigh.
“What a shame...” Xie Lian thought, still gazing at his husband's relaxed face,
“If only we had come together sooner, you wouldn't have had to go through so much pain and suffering.”
Sadly, it only seemed this was a vicious cycle. Every time Xie Lian would wake up in the middle of the night, he would be drawn to gaze at his peacefully sleeping husband, yet, it was always accompanied by a form of soft melancholy that heavily weighed on his heart. Each time it seemed to tear him open bit by bit, a slow and agonizing inner pain that always seemed to return, no matter how reluctant he was.
No matter how long he ignored it, it always caught up with him. It was inevitable.
He couldn't help but bring himself to look over at Hua Cheng’s bare right eye. Xie Lian remembered when they had first begun living together, Hua Cheng always slept with his eye patch on. When Xie Lian eventually learned that it was due to his husband's insecurities, he felt heartbroken. He didn’t want Hua Cheng, the person dearest to him, to feel as though he had to keep a part of himself from him. Xie Lian decided not to comment on it for a while, figuring that he would respect his husband's decisions.
But nonetheless, it still hurt him.
One day when he finally mentioned it to Hua Cheng, Xie Lian could immediately tell how bad he felt. Hua Cheng had asked Xie Lian if it had bothered him, and if he should take it off during the night. Of course, Xie Lian didn’t give him a direct answer.
The issue wasn’t that it had bothered him in a way of annoyance, but rather, Xie Lian did not want his husband to feel judged by him. Once he expressed this concern to Hua Cheng, he stopped wearing the eyepatch to bed. After that entire situation, he only felt worse.
Continuing to reflect on those memories full of regret, Xie Lian was suddenly snapped out of his thoughts by a deep voice,
“Gege, are you cold?” The voice then gently offered, as if trying to caress him, “If so, this San Lang can help warm you up.”
It was Hua Cheng, his tone full of both affection and concern.
Xie Lian hadn’t realized it at the time, but he had been shivering. It had been snowing that night, and it was quite deep into the winter. For him, this was his least favorite season. He disliked the crisp air that burned your lungs as you inhaled, as well as the bitter cold and lingering feeling of melancholy. Yet, there was still a feeling of nostalgia that came with it.
Remembering the question Hua Cheng had asked, he internally cursed the cold as he directed his focus back to him.
“Ah, I’m sorry San Lang...it seems I’ve woken you up....”
After a moment, he came back to his senses a bit more and nodded his head, continuing,
“Mn, it is quite cold. We may be able to light the fireplace in hopes of some extra heat. Once again, I apologize for waking you up.”
He really meant it. He didn’t mean to wake up Hua Cheng, and now he was about to get up and walk over to the fireplace in order to light it. But before Hua Cheng could get up, Xie Lian intervened.
“San Lang ah, you don’t need to go light up the fireplace. I can do it.”
He gave Hua Cheng no time to object as he swiftly stood up and walked over to the fireplace despite feeling like pure frost, not wanting to be an inconvenience. Xie Lian quickly put in some new kindling and used some mana to light the fire. Afterwards, he stood completely still for a moment, staring at the fire while his mind raced.
Ever since Hua Cheng had woken up, he had already noticed this odd behavior coming from Xie Lian. He knew that when Xie Lian acted like this, he was usually worried or anxious. Along with this, he had also noticed Xie Lian’s distant expression, as though he was deep in thought about something. Accompanied with his shivering, he began to grow worried. He was hesitant before asking,
“Gege...was it another nightmare?”
Hearing this, Xie Lian turned his head towards him, loosely breaking his somewhat fretful exterior. He then let out a light sigh along with the click of his tongue,
“San Lang, you seem to know me better than anyone else.”
He paused and smiled before continuing, “But thankfully, this time it wasn’t nightmares. Simply the harsh cold and my own thoughts. You of all people should know that they can get the best of you sometimes.” As he said this, Xie Lian’s expression seemed to be cheerful, but on the inside, he was truly brimming with anxiety.
Hearing this, Hua Cheng only gave a nod of understanding. Both of them knew exactly just how big of a prison your mind could be, but, at least they had each other to temporarily break out of that dark and somber space. It was liberating.
Xie Lian proceeded to gaze out the window next to the fireplace, almost getting lost in his thoughts yet again after observing the soft flurries of snow raining down outside. And now, for some odd reason, he suddenly remembered just how long he had been on this Earth.
Back in the day, time seemed to go by like mud, but now, the seasons seemed to pass in only a matter of minutes.
To Xie Lian, it was such a simple way of thinking, yet, it suddenly put him in a completely different mood, his emotions even more complex and muddled than before.
It was silent for a few moments, until Xie Lian finally raised his head and softly spoke up.
“San Lang…you...you know just how grateful I am that I got the chance to meet you, right?”
This sudden remark took Hua Cheng by surprise, yet he stayed silent as he got up and walked towards Xie Lian, only quietly responding,
“Dianxia, the one thing I am forever grateful for, is that I can be someone who is worthy of you. In all lifetimes, what you deserve is happiness, no less than that.” His voice was like honey, soft and sweet, a tone always comforting to hear.
With this, Xie Lian slowly turned around to see Hua Cheng behind him. He looked into his eye that reflected the soft light of the fireplace behind them. The mood was warm, but his heart was tense.
Finally, he broke.
With this specific sight of Hua Cheng in front of him, his emotions suddenly overwhelmed him for a moment. At a loss of what to do, his eyes slightly teared up before he cupped Hua Cheng’s face and said in a hoarse whisper,
“Ah, then my dear San Lang...don’t you know I feel the exact same way? Please, let me take care of you. Let me repay you for how delicately you’ve treated me all these years...just this once.”
He silently rubbed his thumb under Hua Cheng’s right eye, his heart overflowing with both a sense of grief and pure love beyond words. Hua Cheng always treated him with such kindness and compassion, why wouldn’t he let him do the same?
Seeing Xie Lian on the verge of tears, Hua Cheng’s heart seemed to stutter for a moment as his expression slightly tensed. He gently grabbed Xie Lian’s hand and leaned into it.
It seems...they both felt a considerable amount of guilt.
“Dianxia...I’m deeply sorry.” Hua Cheng wasn’t sure what else to say, he only felt as though he could not express his current emotions through mere words. It was too much. He was too disappointed in himself.
Just as a single tear rolled down Xie Lian’s cheek, he leaned down to kiss it.
One by one, Xie Lian only shed more tears. Internally he scolded himself for breaking so easily, yet, this is how he always was around Hua Cheng. His emotions seemed to flow as freely as a fresh spring. Even after all these years, he found it so surprising just how easily his somewhat tough exterior would crumble when he was around Hua Cheng, despite being by himself for so long. It all felt so relieving, yet....
“San Lang, please, don’t apologize to me. If I’m being honest, it should be me who’s apologizing.”
He had a brief moment of silence before he laughed, a few tears still coming from his eyes which had become slightly red at some point. Even his cheeks had turned from a color that was pale as jade to a soft rose. Though his laughter was short lived, Xie lian couldn’t help but sigh, seemingly defeated,
“In the end, everything still led to you comforting me. It seems everything does end up repeating itself somehow.”
At this point, Hua Cheng was still at a loss for words. He felt that in the moment, all he could do was pull Xie Lian into a tight embrace. He had never known that Xie Lian felt this way towards him…just how long had he been keeping this to himself for?
Each tear that fell from the man in front of him only made Hua Cheng feel worse. When he noticed Xie Lian trying to mask his own sobs in his embrace, an internal pain quickly poisoned his body. Multiple stabs of emotion only continued to bombard both his mind and body, one after another.
…Had he truly failed Xie Lian yet again?
After a while, he felt as though he could finally speak.
“...This…this San Lang promises to do better. I want to make sure Gege is happy, and if that's what makes you happy, then I will gladly oblige.”
Xie Lian slowly pulled back from Hua Cheng and raised a brow. Now that he was somewhat calmer, he was finally able to think a bit more clearly and respond, his tone firm and composed,
“San Lang, I don't want you to do this just because I want you to, but because I want you to do this for yourself.” He smiled, “You deserve just as much love and kindness as you give me, and I want to give all that back to you in return. I want to give each and every single one of my feelings to you in full, and have you accept them as I do your own.” He didn’t hesitate before continuing,
“You’re the absolute love of my life, you’re everything I need. Our relationship deserves to be mutual on all ends, not just one giving and another taking. Do you understand what I mean, San Lang?”
Hearing what Xie Lian had told him, Hua Cheng’s heart softened. He seemed to take what Xie Lian said to heart, and for some odd reason felt a large weight lift from his back. Now, all Hua Cheng felt towards Xie Lian was immense warmth and gratitude. If you had to define the word love, this would be it. Xie Lian in all his glory, never wanting anyone left out, always caring for others, and being the most selfless one could be. Even after all he’s been through, he still manages to keep his head high and have the room in his heart for others.
Ah, how he loved this man to death.
Hua Cheng smiled at Xie Lian as he put on his best “serious face”, those tinges of emotional pain fading as he replied, “Yes Dianxia, this San Lang understands very well.”
The moment after those words escaped his lips, he completely dropped the “serious” exterior and pecked at Xie Lian’s face bit after bit, his mission to remove those tear marks caused by him, and hopefully make his Dianxia feel better. They both began to laugh and giggle as they held one another in their arms.
“Gege, would you like to go back to bed, or would you prefer to do something else?”
Xie Lian quickly recovered from Hua Cheng’s onslaught of small kisses and replied, “I think it’s best if we both return to bed. We have quite a lot to do tomorrow, and I know how you are when it comes to waking up early.” Xie Lian then proceeded to give Hua Cheng a knowing yet playful look.
Hua Cheng only grunted and reluctantly answered, “Mn, I know, I know, Gege. I promise to not slack around today...even though I would much prefer it if you didn’t have to go back to those wretched Heavenly Officials.”
Xie Lian could only let out a sigh, “No matter what, your quick wit and begging won’t get you anywhere today, so don’t expect anything to happen.” He knew that Hua Cheng wouldn’t like it, but this time, he had to put his foot down. In reality, it was quite difficult for Xie Lian to deny Hua Cheng’s requests, and it hurt his heart when he had to. But, there are times where you must force yourself to overcome such temptations, no matter how hard it is.
Once Xie Lian spoke, Hua Cheng did not reply. He only gave a slight hint of disappointment and defeat on his face as the two walked back over to bed. Once in bed, San Lang teased for a while, but soon enough they both silently tucked in one another, moving into a soft embrace, merely enjoying the others presence. They each gently kissed one another good night, and both fell asleep peacefully, ready for the sun to rise over the horizon once again.