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“My love, you have to admit that you’ve been more emotional lately.”
At Shibisu’s claim, Khun nearly trips. He’s not usually this clumsy, but the hallway floors of Madorako’s pretentious ship are so polished that they’re slippery. He convinces himself that it’s the floor’s fault. “Really? You think so?”
Shibisu rubs the back of his neck and smiles sympathetically. “Even Rak noticed. Why do you think I’m always the one dealing with your mood swings? Anyways, just talk to Bam. I’m sure he’s sorry too.”
“I'll tell him about the Canine Tooth Festival.” There may be a way to use the festival to their advantage and help Deng Deng like Bam wanted, but that doesn’t mean Bam will be happy to see him after their argument.
“That’s not what I meant.”
“What do you mean?”
“Your long awaited reunion?” Shibisu drawls with an accusing brow raised.
Of course the self-assigned father of the team would stick his nose into an issue like his ‘sons’ having a disagreement. Spats are common enough among a team of strong personalities, but Khun and Bam never raised their voices at each other like that. Honestly, Khun doesn’t know if this is just the newer version of Bam who is more upfront or if he seriously upset Bam by saying that it’s not their job to save Deng Deng. He has no frame of reference after being away for so long.
“Of course I didn’t want it to turn out this way. You know I didn’t...I don’t want to fight with him,” he rambles snappishly. He feels entirely out of his depths.
Shibisu gives him an exasperated look, like an impatient tutor who’s sick of explaining basic mathematics. “Dude. If you seriously think that’s all he cares about, I don’t know what to say to you anymore. Just talk to him.”
He frowns at the vagueness, but Shibisu is right that he won’t know what’s going on in Bam’s mind until they talk. He turns down the hallway to Bam’s living quarters, mindful not to slip on the floor again.
“Yes, Master Evankhell. I’ll let Hansung know I got his message.” With that, Bam hangs up the pocket call and lets out a long suffering sigh.
Seems like not one person is happy about how he wants to help Deng Deng and get Yama’s help at the same time. He knows he changed in many ways under Evankhell’s tutelage. He’s more direct now and learned how to taunt his opponents. His skills certainly improved as well. One thing about him that will never change is his idealism. He was the same way as a helpless boy who didn’t want to hand over the Black March. He’s the same way now as he doesn’t want to hand over Deng Deng.
Bam learned that precious things must be held on with a white knuckled grip or the tower will find a way to snatch them. That’s how he nearly lost Khun on the hidden floor. If only he was more protective...if only he was more critical...if only he was smart enough to realize that Rachel would go after his friends...
The terror of nearly losing Khun crashes over him full force.
He’s okay now, Bam tells himself. He’s alright. We’re all going to be alright.
Deep breath in.
Deep breath out.
Arguing with Khun first thing after their reunion certainly dredged up unpleasant memories.
There’s a gentle knock on his door. It can’t be one of Madorako’s men. Shibisu and Rak would just barge in instead. It can only be Khun.
Putting on what he hopes is a comforting expression, Bam opens the door and gestures for his light bearer to come in.
Khun follows him inside, but his eyes are trained to the floor. It’s not like him to appear this hesitant.
In the past, Bam would have waited. He would have waited because Khun’s trust is a delicate thing that must be handled with patience. But now, he knows that important things must be said before it’s too late. He gathers his words to start first. “I’m sorry. I always put you in a position where you have to plan everything according to my whims. Rescuing Deng Deng will be difficult.”
Khun’s eyes snap up to meet his. Those ocean eyes are so open and vulnerable that Bam can’t imagine why anyone would call them terrifying.
“No, you don’t have to apologize for that. I was pessimistic,” Khun begins. His lips curve in a fond smile. “That’s just like you. Instead of freaking out, I should have been happy you haven’t changed.”
Bam shoves down his reaction to say that Khun hasn’t changed either. How could he have changed when he was frozen for years? When he was frozen because Bam trusted Rachel to play fair.
“Anyways,” Khun continues, interrupting Bam’s train of thought. “I came here to tell you that there could be a way to free Deng Deng and get Yama on our side. I’ll have to iron out the details with Isu, but you can count on us.”
He turns to leave and Bam doesn’t fight back his reaction this time. He reaches out and grabs Khun’s wrist. Either his hands have grown or Khun lost more weight than he thought, because the wrist feels delicate in his grip. The smooth alabaster skin feels like gossamer silk in his calloused hands.
“Bam? I need to go work on our plan.” Khun’s tone is uncharacteristically timid. He tries to shake off the hold, but it only makes Bam hang on tighter.
Despite not wanting his light bearer to go, Bam is mindful of his strength. Even though Khun is from the Great Families, Bam knows he is more than capable of snapping limbs if he’s not careful. The knowledge is both terrifying and reassuring. Reassuring because it means he’s stronger now. He has more power to protect his friends. Terrifying because that very power could just as easily hurt them.
When he realizes Bam is not going to let go, Khun hides his face behind his other hand. It’s so bizarrely uncharacteristic of him that Bam wonders what exactly brought it on. Does Khun feel comfortable enough around him to openly wear his shyness? Had he pretended to be cool and collected for so long that the facade straight up shattered? How long had it been since he dropped his guard like this?
“Bam?”
Right. Khun’s hand is lowered now and he looks a little indignant. He must want an answer for why Bam isn’t letting him go.
He takes a deep breath to gather his words. It’s so long overdue. “It’s not just with Deng Deng. I don’t think I’ve ever told you how much I appreciate everything you do for me.” He pauses and tugs Khun closer. “But at this point, I feel like anything I say would sound cheap. You mean so much to me, and I’ll do whatever it takes to prove it.”
It’s a mystery of the universe how Khun’s eyes could be called frightening because Bam sees each emotion pass through them. Shock. Melancholy. Self doubt. Gratitude. Worry.
Such an intense reaction to being thanked makes everything viscerally clear.
Khun had never been thanked before. Never. Not once in his life.
His own family never thanked him. His mother kept pushing him for more and more until he reached his breaking point. Did Maria even thank him when he made her a princess?
Every single teammate he ever had expected that he’d take care of everything because that’s the role he played. Looking back at it now, Bam can’t recall a single time someone thanked him for his strategies.
With a sickening wrench in his gut, he wonders if he himself ever thanked Khun. His memory of chasing Rachel onto the hell train was such a blur. After they finally boarded the train, they conquered station after station, but did he ever pause for a second and show his gratitude? Then, the hidden floor happened, Master Jinsung got taken away, and Shibisu took on the mission of finding Woon Yeon so Bam could focus on training.
Then, the long awaited reunion, their second reunion for god’s sake, happened and the first thing he talked about was what he wanted.
He wants to thank Khun for believing in him. He wants to thank Khun for going through the terror of nearly dying and fighting to stay alive. He wants to keep thanking him for everything, but as he mentioned before, words can be meaningless.
“Can we hug again? Bam asks instead.
He gets a wordless nod in reply and Khun buries himself in Bam’s chest. Despite the differences in their builds now, they’re still roughly the same height. Right now, Khun’s a tiny bit taller since he’s wearing dress shoes.
Earlier, Bam thought about how the tower has ways of stealing away whatever is not closely guarded. One thing most people lose is physical closeness. There are only so many times someone could fight for their lives before they become hypervigilant to touch, especially someone like Khun. For him, letting someone into his personal space like this is the same as trusting them with his life.
Bam hopes that touch can convey what words cannot. He hopes the way his arms wrap around Khun’s lean back is a symbol of protection - a vow to keep Khun closeby this time and never let go.
I got you.
Slowly, Khun lets out a shaky exhale and burrows his face closer into the crook of Bam’s neck. His arms tighten around Bam’s back, and in that moment, everything feels complete.
Bam is no hug expert, but he knows something changed just now.
This is different from all the long hugs he and Rak shared. Finally saying thank you to Khun is different from whenever he thanks Shibisu.
The nature of their relationship is changing. They’re not average best friends anymore. They can be more and Bam wants them to be more. Judging by how Khun is openly vulnerable around him, it’s likely he wants the same.
Slowly, to not scare Khun away, he threads his fingers gently through silky blue hair. “Can we talk about us?”
For a second, Khun tenses in his arms and relaxes again. “We should, but can we do that after we win this fight? I promise I’ll come back to you this time.”
Bam frowns apprehensively, but keeps running his fingers through Khun’s hair. The tower certainly proved that anyone can die at any time. Important things are meant to be said before it’s too late, but he doesn’t want to talk about their changing relationship if the other person in this relationship isn’t ready yet. The best thing he can do right now is believe in the promise. After all, Khun had never broken a promise to him before.
“Alright, I trust you,” he replies.
They remain in each other’s embrace.
For now, Bam drops the mantle of god and Khun drops the icy guard he puts up with everyone else.
For now, they’re just two people simply existing.
They’ll stay in this oasis of peace before it’s time to risk their lives again.