Archive of Our Own

I never liked my name.

Whenever someone says it aloud, I feel like I need to hide, I feel guilty and a feeling of shame immediately overwhelms me.

I never liked the way I looked.

My too puffy cheeks, that stupidly small nose and that flabby belly that I complain so much about, but that I never tried to get rid of, since diets and gyms are not for me.

I never liked my character.

Always so shy as to seem pathological, those cheeks always red when someone speaks to me. I hate not knowing how to impose myself, not being able to express my opinion, but being always ready to lower my head in front of any criticism, constructive or not, and to move on with my eyes full of restrained tears.

I never liked the way I relate to the world, people and life in general.

Always too clumsy, too slow to understand things and how the world turns, never able to immediately understand the meaning of a joke, never able to have a conversation with someone, never able to do anything.

I've never liked being me, I've always found a thousand flaws in my miserable and banal person and knowing that even the person I care about the most thinks that too, literally destroys me.

I've always liked Frank, from the first moment I saw him entering this school I couldn't think of anything else but how handsome he was, with that sweater with too long sleeves, with piercings and that terrified look, the same look that I have so often too.

"Stop with this terrified look, Gerard!" my brother usually tells me almost every morning before I go to school and, although he only does it to encourage me, I have never been able to listen to him.

I have never liked to see what I interpret as disappointment in my brother's eyes after all my complaints or every black eye due to the bullies’ punches, but I know that none have big expectations in me.

"Gee ... I'm sorry my love, believe me ..."

I've always liked Frank, but I don't think he has ever liked me as much as I like him, even if he calls me his love and even if he spent with me more than an afternoon, a night or even a whole day.

"Fuck you Frank!"

I never liked my name, but when Frank was used to say it, then I couldn't help but believe it was the sweetest of music.

I wonder how we ended up like this...

*****

It was a school day like any other and I had the feeling that nothing special would have happened, since it was just another bad and anonymous day like the others and nothing more.

Oh how wrong I was...

The usual group had made its entrance, starting to reserve "sweet words" for all those who were in some way blocking their way, therefore also myself, but I didn't care.

I had understood that either I let every mean word slip over me, or everything would slip me and my ordinary adolescence into the dark.

I had as usual received some insults and I had reacted in the same way, which is saying nothing and continuing to look for the books in my locker, pretending they weren’t there.

"See you at lunch Way, I would never want you to skip the meal, I see you so thin lately!"

So I had received yet another unwanted and inappropriate comment about my weight, before I could turn and head to the class without adding a single word.

"Hey kid, are you alright?"

After starting to walk towards the biology class, I remember finding a small and thin boy who was literally shaking in front of the bathroom door with the school map in his hand and a lot of terror in his eyes.

I smiled in front of the scene.

"Y-You won't yell at me, will you?"

I remember laughing at this question and shaking my head.

"Of course not!" I had said taking the map from his hand "What are you looking for?"

"The biology classroom... I'm here and-and I have no idea where the fuck the classrooms are, everyone I've asked has insulted me and, really, I don't know what is wrong with this school."

I remember how I had immediately liked this guy.

"My name is Gerard, and you are lucky since I now have biology too, so if you want to follow me..." I remember that he had smiled at me and my heart had started without a reason to beat faster.

"Hi Gerard, I'm Frank, and if you don't mind now I'll immediately follow you to class since we're already fucking late!"

If only I had known how much that meeting would have changed my life...

*****

“You’re still not talking with him, right?”

"And why should I do!?"

"Because you are still in love wi-"

"Don't say bullshit Ray!"

Today the day start in a very awful way, like all of them lately.

Ever since Frank broke my heart, every day has been terrible and knowing that it’s my fault if I am in this miserable situation, makes me hate myself even more.

“Oooh come on Gerard! He has apologized a thousand times! "

"He made fun of me in front on the whole school, I don't want to see him anymore."

"Well, I think it will take some time before you won't see him anymore..."

I immediately look up from my miserable lunch and I immediately see the figure of Frank.

As usual, my heart skips a beat because of him.

I hate this capacity of his, I should just feel disgusted and angry, but not like this for sure.

"Gee listen, we have to talk, I-I can't go on like this anymore!" He says sitting in front of me.

"I don't think I have asked you to come here, or am I wrong?"

He rolls his eyes and tries to take my hands, but I promptly pull back as if I have touched fire.

"Gerard I have apologized a thousand times, I'm sorry!" He puts his hands on his face as a sign of despair and I would like so much to hug and reassure him, but I can't do it… not anymore.

“Aren't you ashamed to be seen with the fat fagot? If I was you, I would think about it very well, Frank. You know, reputation and bullshit like that" I reply in turn angrily "Come on Ray, let's change the table, this one has become too crowded... "I take my tray and I start to get up and go somewhere else, but I don't go far.

"Stop it! Stop it Gerard! I’ve been an asshole, okay, how long are you gonna make me pay for this!? I no longer have friends, I no longer have you, I no longer have anything!"

I feel a bit bad seeing him suffer like this, but I can't forgive him, I don't want to.

“Stop screaming, you idiot. You're putting on a stupid show, everyone's staring at us."

"I don't give a shit Gerard, you ruined my life but you continue to act like an asshole, and n-"

I punch him on the nose in response, I can't help myself anymore.

“I have ruined your life? Me!? You were the one who put yourself in this situation, not me!"

And this time it's my turn to receive a punch on the face, but I was expecting it and I also deserved it a little, because if we got this far it is only my fault and my lack of resistance to his stupidly cute face.

“I said I’m sorry, holy shit! What do you want me to do?"

With a hand on my already sore nose, I use the other one to try to hit him again, but he promptly stops my arm and prevents me from hitting him again.

“Stop it Gee… Please w-we can't fight like two kids…”

“We're kids Frank, what the fuck do you think you are? An adult!? You don't even understand the meaning of your actions and how much they can hurt a person, how can you consider yourself an adult?"

Everyone is staring at us, some guys are even making videos of us with their cell phones, but I don't care, I know I'm right.

And for this reason, I punch him another time on the belly, making him fall and collapse to the ground.

In front of this sad scene, instead of feeling happiness and satisfaction, I just feel a great disgust and nothing more.

“Gerard, I've said sorry a million times! I told you I love you, stop fighting me, please... "

I turn around, giving him my back in response, but only because the desire to go to help him is so strong that if I don't stop looking, then I'll end up hugging him, for then wiping the blood off his face and taking care of him.

“Come and get all of the things you left in my room, I don't want them anymore, I don't want you anymore... "

And so I leave, walking quickly towards the first bathroom available to cry for my terrible actions.

Sometimes, I'm such a jerk.

*****

"Do you want to go to the cinema today Gee?"

“What if we go to my house? I'm so tired, I slept like shit last night and I’m pretty exhausted..."

"You know I love spending afternoons with you doing exactly nothing at all, I'm in!"

Me and Frank quickly became friends since from the first day we met, we immediately stick together, or as I liked to believe, we found each other, and wherever I went there was always Frank by my side.

I thought it was clear how we were united and... friends, even if my thoughts were quite different.

I was so damn in love with Frank, whenever he said or did something, for me was it was just one reason more to adore him and to make my heart beat faster.

I was so in love.

I remember that I was so scared to tell him, because I didn't know if he liked me in that way or if he was even gay, so that I was okay to laugh and joke with him and nothing more.

"Gee come here, didn't you say you were tired?

 I remember how that afternoon my heart had started to pound in my chest after his question.

"Umh... yeah, but you're lying there, I don’t think there’s enough space for me..."

"Oh I didn't think you were so fat that you couldn't even lie down next to me!"

And so I had listened to him, lying down next to him on my tiny bed.

"What are you thinking about Gee...?"

He had asked me in a whisper, coming closer to me and therefore making the space between our faces smaller and smaller.

"Nothing special... I'm tired, I told you."

"I don't believe you, you know?"

I remember that in the end I had kissed him and, looking at the mess we are in now, I have to think that it was just a big mistake...

"I was thinking about the same thing..."

He had told me, then smiled at me and recaptured my lips in another sweet and soft kiss.

We had kissed for the whole afternoon, without saying too much and giggling like the two kids in

love we were and still are.

"Do you want to be my boyfriend Frankie?"

"Umh... sure!"

If only I had paid more attention to his unconvinced answer, which in that moment I interpreted as a normal and simple fear for the first relationship of our life, then now I would not be suffering so much.

“Are you staying over tonight? I'll give you one of my pajamas."

"I would love to Gee..."

I would like to go back to those simple and full of love days so much.

*****

"Okay Gerard, you definitely lost control this time!"

“Oooh shut up Mikey! It was all his fault!"

As I feared, most of the people who attended the sad show I put on in the canteen, are on Frank’s side, my brother and my best friend included.

Me included...

"I didn't think you were such a violent person Gerard... You definitely gave a horrible impression of yourself..." my brother tells me with a look of pure disgust "I'm going to see how Frank is..." and then he leaves me alone, and that’s what I basically deserve.

“Gee I-I don't know what to say… It seems that this whole thing is getting out of hand, to both of you. Stop acting like that, you're just ridiculous." My friend Ray says, before leaving me alone in turn and going to see how his friend is doing.

Frank has always had this ability to make friends with everyone, as I remember that after the first days in the new school in which things were still not going so well, he had then made friends with other boys and girls with such speed as to make me to believe that I’m just a big idiot unable to make friends.

“Baby they are okay! They’re not all assholes like the group that harasses you!"

But I never listened to him...

Defeated, annoyed and full of hate for me and my actions, I take my backpack and I decide to go straight to the science classroom, although it is early and in the canteen people are still all talking about my miserable fight.

“Good job Way! I didn't make you such an asshole!"

I made a big mess and I quickly passed from being the victim of this situation to being the insensitive asshole, like Frank was used to be considered before.

Crazy how things can change fast.

I walk past my locker still smeared with that stupid drawing and word and I think back to how the biggest part of this mess is just its fault.

I still remember Frank's surprised and terrified face when I found him intent on drawing that big and colorful dick with "faggot" written next to it.

"Gee i-it's not what it looks like!"

I remember how bad it had made me feel finding out the other identity of my boyfriend, of my Frank, and I remember how I started to laugh hysterically and cry with anger at the same time.

"Gerard Way you are a monster!"

And knowing that they are right, hurts me more than anything.

*****

"Frankie, can I go out with you and your friends too tonight?"

I remember that day as if it were yesterday, that day when I had tried to be normal and I asked him to come with him and finally meet his friends whom he talked about so often.

"Umh... I don't know if it's a good idea, my love..."

"Why not? I want to, I want to know them too! You talk about them so much and they seem okay."

I remember how even in that case I had not paid much attention to his nervous gaze, interpreting it all as a simple gesture of affection and love towards me, as he knew how shy I was.

After a brief discussion he had therefore managed to dissuade me from my intent.

"When I come back you are all mine, baby."

And so I had helped him to choose clothes for that evening, recommended not to drink too much because I would have noticed, and in the end I had wished him to have a nice evening.

"I love you Gee, never forget that."

"Love you too Frankie."

And I let him go.

I remember that when he came back, I got partially mad about how much he stank of alcohol, but I also remember how seeing him undress and put on one of my pajamas immediately made me feel good again.

Frank used to spend more nights with me at my house than in his own bed, not to make love, or at least not always, but only because he said that with me he slept better, that I chased away his nightmares.

"Goodnight Gee, thank you..."

And even now I don't know what he was thanking me for, but I know that that night I finally felt important, happy, and my name finally sounded a little sweeter and more melodious.

*****

"How are you…?"

"What do you think?"

I feel sorry for what I just did, which is crawling behind Frank's door, go to his room and ask him that stupid question, but my guilt was eating me alive.

"If you don't tell me, I can't know."

He makes a face, which I interpret as anger, and throws at me the bloody handkerchief he was using to wipe the blood from his nose.

"Let’s try again. What do you think? "

I take the dirty handkerchief and I put it in the basket of dirty laundry, knowing his room like the back of my hand and knowing perfectly where everything is.

"Gee what happened in the canteen...?" He asks me with a sad voice and a wave of shame immediately assails me.

"I don't know..." I mumble full of embarrassment, and then I get a clean handkerchief from his closet drawer and I start dabbing his lip delicately.

I get a kiss on the knuckles in response, the same knuckles that are the cause of all this blood.

I withdraw instantly.

"Gerard, I don't know what to do anymore..." He sits better on the bed and takes my hands in his but this time I let him do it.

"Do you have a vague idea of how bad it made me feel to see you write those things on my locker and finally understand the reason of all your stupid refusals about introducing me to your friends? I felt like the most idiot of the whole world!"

I force myself not to start crying in front of him and so I immediately lower my gaze, not wanting him to look into my eyes.

"My love, I was-"

"Don't call me like that Frank!" I jump to my feet and I can’t help but start to cry instantly, as if that word had removed the brake that blocked them.

"Two people who love each other don't lie, don't stab each other in the back, don't punch each other a-and most importantly they don't write and draw these things just to look cool in the eyes of their friends!"

He stands up in turn, drop his handkerchief to the ground and comes towards me with an angry and hurt look.

"Gerard, holy shit, I've explained to you a thousand times why I acted like this! I feel like a broken record repeating the same things over and over again and-"

"Well, as a record you are not good at all Frank, because I still haven't been able to understand the words you say even though they are always the same!"

After my words, he sits on the bed again and looks at me with despair.

"If you don't like listening to this record anymore, then why did you come here?"

Taken by some wave of courage most likely due to all the adrenaline in my body, I go towards him and I grab him by the collar of his bloody shirt to kiss him softly.

Saying that neither of us expected it is obvious.

"Because I can't hate you Frank, and this drives me crazy..." I whisper on his lips, and then I let him go and leave his room as quickly as I entered.

"Gee wait!"

The only person I can hate is just me, not my love for sure.

*****

"I'm so fucking tired you have no idea!"

"Baby you don't have to care about them, you know."

School at that time was really crap, the usual group of bullies didn't want to give me peace, I had a fight with Ray over a stupid matter involving some online video game and Frank had become super popular at school, so much so that everyone loved him.

I remember how sad and agitated I was at that time, I was on the edge and my introverted and fat person only made everything worse.

"Frankie, the fact is also that you became so popular in school a-and I'm afraid you might leave me...

 I remember him shutting my mouth with a kiss.

“Gee I could never prefer them to you, okay? You are my love, my sweet and beautiful love, you idiot."

And he had kissed me again and again.

Thinking about it now hurts me too much, because in the end he has preferred them, but I remember how on that occasion I have felt indispensable and loved by the person I cared the most about in the world.

I was in seventh heaven.

"You never defend me at school though, you little shit..."

He had smiled at me nervously and said that in his old school everyone was making fun of him and he didn't want to have enemies here.

"I'm sorry baby, but if they continue tell me and I'll show them how much your boyfriend cares about you!"

I remember then that in the end we had spent the rest of the afternoon making love and cuddling a lot, so that bullies, the fight with Ray and Frank's popularity had vanished for at least that day.

"I’m so glad you exist Frank..."

I had told him at last, exhausted from the afternoon and falling asleep in his arms, feeling safe, feeling loved, feeling home.

And I curse myself a little for not having suspected his unusual behavior before...

*****

Today as soon as I walk into school, a bunch of looks from some of my classmates make me feel like a criminal.

I expected that, of course.

I'm just surprised that the principal hasn't called me into her office yet, but honestly, even if it does happen, I don't care.

I don’t regret kissing Frank yesterday, of course not, but I regret running out from his room without being able to give us a chance to fix things.

"G. tomorrow we have to talk and, please, don't tell me you don’t want to..." He had texted me in the evening, making me burst into tears and wishing that today would never come...

"Hey Way, who are you going to punch today?"

How I wish I could change the past.

I have just enough time to start with my walk of shame in the crowded corridor, that immediately the small figure with the split lip of Frank appears in front of me.

I would like to kiss him again and tell him that everything will be fine, that we are fine, and that we are still together because I love him so much...

"Gee we need to talk."

"About what?" Of course I know what we need to talk about, and I also know how everyone around us is watching.

Sometimes I miss being as invisible as I was before Frank came into my sad life and changed this aspect, completely revolutionizing everything.

"Gerard I know you are not a jerk so stop acting like that!" He tells me, moving a little closer to me and taking me by the arm.

“Frank, I have nothing to say, I-I screwed up, okay? I fucked everything up by beating you, coming to your house to apologize, kissing you... "

"Your kisses are never a mistake Gee...  I love your kisses…"

He says in little more than a whisper, so that I’m the only one hearing him and therefore I feel even more guilty for dragging us into this awful situation without an exit.

Fortunately, or perhaps unfortunately, the bell rings and thus drags me out of this terrible situation.

"See you later Frank..." And I quickly disappear into the corridor, leaving him alone and with his eyes fixed on the ground.

"Gerard what do I have to do to get out of this situation?"

I start to cry softly in response and I fasten my pace, as if I'm running away from something dangerous.

Honestly, I don't see any way out from this unbearable situation, and we're ridiculous, Ray is right, but I don't really know how to behave and, above all, how to get my baby back without the risk of losing him again.

*****

"Frank what the fuck are you doing ...?"

"Gee i-it's not what it looks like!"

I remember how humiliated I felt that day, with everyone's laughing at me, with the eyes of my bullies and of Frank pointed on me and so many questions that swirled through my mind.

"And what are you doing then Frank!?"

He had the spray can of blue paint in one hand, the red one in the other and the drawing on my locker was clear and explicit.

"I-I don't-"

"Every day, every single day when I told you how much pain the bullies made me feel, you listened to me even knowing that part of my pain was you too?"

I remember how everyone's mocking smiles had rapidly turned into shocked faces after hearing this sentence of mine and I also remember that I started laughing and crying like a madman, not understanding why everything in my life was so bad.

“Gerard I-I didn't know what to do! They are the people who asked me to be their friend just after you a-and how could I tell you?"

"Frank, you can make friends with whoever the fuck you want, but I don’t think you have understood what you drew on my locker!"

I remember that he had dropped the spray can on the ground and tried to come towards me, but I had promptly moved away, stopping him.

"Gerard, t-they told them to do it, in my old school I was bullied because I'm gay and-"

"And what better way to redeem yourself than to become a bully yourself, hook up with the school's nerd faggot and become his fucking bully at the same time?"

I remember that all the smiles of the audience around us had magically transformed into expressions of dismay and also of how his "friends" had started staring at him with curiosity and annoyance after his accusation against them.

"I bet no one knew either that you are gay or that you are my boyfriend, isn't that true ...?”

And seeing him nod had definitely destroyed my heart.

“Okay Frank… I should have figured it out, I should have understood that you didn't want to introduce me to your friends for a reason, that I hardly ever saw you during lunchtime for a reason, that you never defended me from them because you are one of them!"

“Gee i-it's not like that! I love you, you know that-"

“Go fuck yourself Frank! I don’t want to see you again, I'm done!"

"Gerard, wait!"

But I hadn't turned around, defeated, humiliated and heartbroken, I had made my way through the audience of our sad show and I had run out of school, headed as far away from him as possible.

That day my name had started to suck again, as my face, my body and my shitty temper.

That day I remember beginning to hate my life again.

*****

"Have you calmed down a bit Gee?"

"Mhmh."

Things are better today, there are now only a few people left to talk about what happened the other day, or at least it looks like that.

Everyone seems to mind their own business again, talking about their things, laughing at their stupid jokes, and a miserable feeling of peace pervades my body at this realization.

"I would like to apologize Ray, I don't know what happened in the canteen..."

"Oh I think you know instead..." I look at him confused "You're still in love with him Gerard, and stop saying no."

And then I tell him yes.

"I'm afraid you're right ..." I sadly admit, and then I fake smile at him and walk down the hall, hoping that he will stop talking about Frank before I start to cry.

"And what are you going to do?"

But unfortunately, my sad sentimental life still seems to interest him.

"I don't know Ray, I'd like to talk about something else if you don't mind." I answer a little bit annoyed, since I don’t have any idea about what to do since with my heart is still too broken to think clearly.

"Well, my friend, I think you'll have to wait a little bit longer before not talking about it anymore."

I shake my head confusedly in response and, once again, I find myself in front of the figure of Frank, of my Frank.

"Hey Iero, what the fuck are you doing?"

In fact, no matter how boorish and disrespectful this question was, as I can only agree with anyone who asked it.

Frank has two spray cans, one red and one blue, and he’s standing in front of his locker, busy drawing a figure I know too well.

"I think you can understand by yourself what I'm doin-Gerard!"

He noticed me, of course...

I am brought back to reality by his gaze which, as usual, makes my heart beats like crazy and freezes me like an animal in front of the headlights of a car.

"What are you doing Frank?" I ask in my turn, barely opening my arms as a sign of confusion and holding back an amused smile at seeing how on his locker now there is the drawing of a big and colorful dick, identical to the one there is on mine, and with the word "faggot" next to it in bright red.

“That is the reason, isn’t it? All of the fault was of this fucking drawing, so I thought that it was what you wanted! " He says in an exasperated tone, brandishing the spray cans as if they were weapons and looking at me with eyes full of held back tears and... hope.

I smile, I can no longer hold back.

"It wasn't necessary Frank, I don’t think it was necessary at all."

"Oh it was necessary for sure to me!" He throws the spray cans on the ground and runs his hands through his hair in exasperation, without realizing that by doing so he is automatically smearing his face and hair with the blue and red paint.

I burst out laughing, the scene is as ridiculous as adorable.

“What the fuck are you laughing Gerard, I don't think there's anything to laugh about! I'm exasperated, I'm not having fun at all!"

“Oooh Frankie you really are a mess…” I take my cell phone out of my pocket and I place it in front of his face, so that he can see the mess he made on his face.

He bursts out laughing too.

"I'm such a jerk!" He says in the end, vehemently rubbing his face with the sleeves of the sweatshirt to try to remedy a little the disaster he made.

"Wait, let me help you my love..." I place a hand on his arm and he immediately freezes, staring at me with wide open eyes and vaguely terrified.

"How did you call me...?"

Now I'm the one who opens the eyes wide.

"I-I don't-" But I don't finish the sentence, since I suddenly find him between my arms kissing me like we used to do before this stupid mess.

"You’re a bastard, was it really necessary to draw a dick on my locker to have you back?"

"It could be ..." And I kiss him again.

The crowd disperses quickly, some with disgusted looks on their faces, others whispering "pathetic" under their breath and others laughing, but for now I only have eyes for Frank and no one else.

"I haven't completely forgiven you yet, just to let you know..." another kiss "... you still have a long way to go."

"You're a bastard for sure Gerard!"

"But I know you love me, like I love you, even if you're an asshole."

"An asshole and a bastard... Nice couple, right?"

And honestly, I couldn't imagine a better couple than us.

"Let’s skip school...?"

"I was going to ask you the same thing."

I take him by his hand still stained with paint and we head towards the front door, leaving everything that has happened in these painful days behind us.

"Sorry for punching you Frankie..." I finally murmur embarrassed when we're out of school.

"Sorry for being an asshole Gee, forgive me my love."

Suddenly my life is beautiful again.

*****

I never liked my name.

Whenever someone says it aloud, I feel like I need to hide, I feel guilty and a feeling of shame immediately overwhelms me, but when it’s Frank the one who calls me, then I can't help but believe I have the most beautiful name in the whole world.

I never liked the way I looked.

My too puffy cheeks, that stupidly small nose and that flabby belly that I complain so much about, but that I never tried to get rid of, since diets and gyms are not for me, but when Frank is here ready to kiss my whole body, then I look in the mirror and I accept myself a little more.

I never liked my character.

Always so shy as to seem pathological, those cheeks always red when someone speaks to me. I hate not knowing how to impose myself, not being able to express my opinion, but being always ready to lower my head in front of any criticism, constructive or not, and to move on with my eyes full of restrained tears, but when Frank tells me how adorable my shyness and my red cheeks are, then I smile and believe him a little.

I never liked the way I relate to the world, people and life in general.

Always too clumsy, too slow to understand things and how the world turns, never able to immediately understand the meaning of a joke, never able to have a conversation with someone, never able to do anything, but when it comes to Frank then I could stay up all night talking about everything.

I've never liked being me, I've always found a thousand flaws in my miserable and banal person but knowing that even the person I care about the most doesn’t share my thoughts at all, makes me think that maybe I’m not as bad as my mind makes me believe.

I've always liked Frank, from the first moment I saw him entering this school I couldn't think of anything else but how handsome he was, with that sweater with too long sleeves, with piercings and that terrified look, the same look that I was used to have so often too.

I've always liked Frank, but I don't think he likes me as much as I like him, because I think I like him more, that I love him more and he will never make me believe otherwise.

I've never liked my name, but when Frank says it, then I can't help but believe it's the sweetest music ever heard.

I wonder what I did to deserve a Frank all to myself.