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You had known Bucky for years. The two of you met a few months after her mind was cleared of HYDRA’s programming. You met at a small bookstore near your apartment. She caught your eye immediately, her sharp jawline and silver arm drawing you in, her kind smile and soft heart keeping you there.
Over the years, she changed. That wasn't surprising, you know nobody stays the same forever, but this was different. The way she wanted you changed. You went from daily texts in the middle of the day to a text every few days in the middle of the night. Missing you. Someone else wasn’t there for her, but you always were.
I know I don't want to
Be the one that you run to
When you got nowhere else to go
When you need some love
It only took a few different nights of Bucky calling you or texting in the middle of the night to realize what was happening. Nobody else was there to hold her when you were, talk to her when you were, love her when you were. She always had someone else she’d tried to reach out to first. You were a second option who always came when she called.
I know I'm the last one
You try to call but
I always give in
To give you it all
You walked out of the shower, noticing the notifications on your phone. Bucky. Eight unread texts. Four missed calls.
11:58pm “hi, love”
11:58pm “can you vome over?”
11:58pm “come*”
11:59pm Missed call from: Bucky <3
12:01am “i miss you”
12:05am “stevie isn’t home”
12:05am “she won’t pick up the phone either”
12:05am Missed call from Bucky <3
12:11am “i need you”
12:12am Missed call from Bucky <3
12:18am Missed call from Bucky <3
12:24am “please?”
12:25am Missed call from Bucky <3
You checked the time on your phone. 12:35am. Sighing, you texted her that you were on your way and began to get ready to go over. The nights you prepared yourself for her were the nights you were able to leave quickest. Bucky didn’t care what you looked like, all she needed was a warm body in her bed and someone who would listen to her as she rambled. You’d be either for her. Whatever she needed.
I can't be your midnight love
You walked into her apartment, a key to her front door always on your keychain, now only used for nights like these.
As she heard you coming in, she called out, “I’m sorry for calling you so late, love. Stevie wasn’t at her place and she never picked up the phone when I called.”
She had never mentioned what the two of them were to each other, but you never bothered to ask, either. Bucky wasn’t irresponsible enough to cheat on a girlfriend. That’s all you needed to know.
“It’s okay, Bucky. I’ll be over in a minute.” You took off your jacket and shoes, walking from the small hallway in front of her door to the living room. “Good to see you.”
When your silver is my gold
These nights meant nothing to Bucky. Putting down your anxieties, you shook the thought off and sat next to her on the couch. “So, why am I here tonight?”
“Why do you always ask that, love?” She tilted her head as she looked at you.
Smiling softly at her, you worried your voice would betray the swirl of emotions in your heart. “You’re always the one who calls me here. You need me for a reason. I never ask, I just come here.”
Bucky looked down at her lap and opened her mouth, but you interrupted before she could speak. “So, why do you need me tonight?”
In this light, I swear I'm blind
She looked back up at you and frowned. “I don’t like you feeling like I only want you here when I need you.”
You shrugged. “That’s what it’s like. And I’m okay with that.”
“Why? Most people would say I’m using you.” Self-aware. She knew exactly what she was doing to you. A flash of heat raced through your veins. Why would she want to do this to you? You asked yourself the question even though you knew the answer.
Because someone who dropped everything for her at any time without needing her full love in return was someone who could be depended on.
You made her feel wanted when nobody else would.
“I don’t see it that way, Bucky.”
She sighed. “You’re too easy.”
“It shouldn’t be hard for you to reach out to me.”
“That’s not what I meant and you know it.”
You looked down at the couch, avoiding her eyes. She meant you were too easy to wrap around her finger. Easy to bend you to her will, she could get you to do whatever she wanted and it would take her minutes, just a few texts.
In this light, I swear you're mine
Bucky sighed and rose into a kneel, swinging one leg around your hips to straddle you on the couch. She leaned forward until you could feel her breath against your lips. “I love it.”
You knew she wasn’t saying she loved you, wasn’t saying anything about how she cared for you, but your heart skipped a beat at her words. All it would take to connect your lips would be to lean forward. Closing your eyes, you leaned forward to kiss her, only to meet empty air. You opened your eyes to find Bucky grinning and leaning back.
She leaned forward, closing her eyes and wrapping her arms around your shoulders, interlocking her fingers behind your neck. Now it was your turn to smile as you leaned back, watching as she frowned and opened her eyes.
“Not fair!” She frowned at you.
“Completely fair. You did the same to me.” You wrapped your arms around her waist, tugging her closer to you.
She rolled her eyes and kissed you, her hands moving to lace themselves in your hair. You brought your hands up her back, under her shirt, pulling her flat against you, smiling into the kiss.
I hope that the right time one day arrives
So I'll be willing to let this die
The next morning, you woke up in Bucky’s bed. Her back was turned to you, her short brown hair splayed across the pillow under her head. You sat up slowly, swinging your feet over the edge of the bed to stand up. Gathering your clothes from the floor at the end of her bed, you avoided the spots on her floor that you knew would creak under your feet.
These mornings after she had you over were always the worst. Avoiding each creaky spot of the floor, each part of her bed that would make noise when leaned on. Only open the door so much or else it’ll creak and wake her up.
After you got dressed, you left her room, not making a sound. Coming over to Bucky’s so often wasn’t something you were particularly proud of, but at least it made leaving easy. She didn’t get up, even when you grabbed your phone and put on the clothes you left at the door. No texts as you left the apartment, loudly closing the door behind you.
Sometimes you wondered if she was ever awake the whole time, but avoided talking to you, wanting you to leave once she was done. Some mornings you were sure that was the case, peeking into the bedroom to see her sitting up, awake, on her phone.
Able to look you right in the eyes
Say I'm not your consolation prize
As you walked out of the door, you remembered why you always paused before responding to her texts, wondering if it would finally be the night where you told her that no, you wouldn’t be able to come over. Tell her no, you aren’t just a toy for her to play with whenever she couldn’t get a handle of the others in her life.
I can't be your midnight love
You wondered if this is what people who were used to have an affair felt like. Secret lovers, whisked away from their lives in the middle of the night, only to be ignored the next morning and shunned away. Warming the bed just for someone else to come home and lay in the spot you held her in.
When your silver is my gold
It barely took her any effort to get you to drop everything you were doing, just a few texts, a few minutes of her time, and you were racing over to her apartment. The amount of effort it took her to bring you home wasn’t even worthy of a silver medal, but your reaction each time made it seem as though it was a gold star effort. As though she wrote you paragraphs about why she loved you- wanted you.
But she never did. You were simply a replacement for someone else who’d warm her bed more than you ever dreamed of.
In this light, I swear I'm blind
Yet you still rushed to her each time she called your name. Each time she called it out alongside another’s, telling you clearly that all you were was a second option when her favorite wasn’t around for her. Love blinded your sight, only letting you hear her calling your name. Hearing another name alongside your own stung your heart, but you ignored it for her embrace.
In this light, I swear you're mine
It was easy to ignore how she hurt you when you thought of what else she did to you- the way she could make you smile even through your tears, how your heart skipped a beat each time she kissed you and called you ‘love,’ the way her arms wrapped around you so well- she felt perfect. And each time you went over to her apartment you forgot about her texts, how blatantly she told you that she wasn’t yours no matter how much you were hers.
Forgetting about it all and pretending she was yours just for a night was a high you’d never turn down.
I can't be your second best
Close but not your favorite
When you collapsed onto your bed after getting home, you wondered if you should stop. Falling in love with a woman who would give you the world and more if you asked was easy. But now she’s turned into a woman who only sees you as someone to fill her bed when the one she truly loves isn’t able to. Close to her favorite, always a second choice, but never the first one she went to. Never the one she loved with all of her heart.
I keep going back for more
Where there's nothing from before
Each time you went back to her apartment, the route from your home to hers familiar, the hole in your heart carved out by Bucky was filled for a night. But it was only a night. Going home the next morning, or hours later after you helped her fall asleep, a ball of anxiety sat in your stomach each time. This was not the Bucky you met years ago.
There would be a night that was the last. The last time Bucky needed you to fill a hole in her bed before someone else would stay with her longer than she wanted you to.
You weren’t sure if that would be the last time you replied to her, or if it would be her last text to you.
I can't be your midnight love
When your silver is my gold
A week later, your phone chimed with a text from Bucky.
“hiiiiiiiiiii”
“can you come over?”
Sighing, you put your phone on silent and threw it on your bed face down. She wouldn’t get to have you tonight. You knew Bucky would have someone else to reach out to, someone else she could convince to come over. If she didn’t, it was her problem to deal with.
You wouldn’t be her second option anymore. Not a thought she had after trying to call someone else to warm her bed- what was the point?
The phone sat on the bed, not making a sound. Something inside of you hoped it would somehow, make another noise and force you to pick it up, respond to Bucky, rush to her side yet again. Hold her, even just for another hour.
It wasn’t even twenty minutes before you gave in and grabbed the phone.
I can't be your second best
Close but not your favorite
The two of you sat on the couch together, Bucky on your lap until you were interrupted by someone calling her. You glanced over at her phone which was sitting on the coffee table across from you.
Caller ID: <3 Stevie <3
A wide smile spread across her face as she got up off your lap to answer the phone. You saw her lips moving as she spoke to Stevie, her eyes filled with love for a woman you’d never even met. You completely zoned out as she spoke, ignoring her words. When she put down the phone, placing it face down on the coffee table, she turned to look back at you.
“Now, where were we?”
I keep going back for more
You reached out, holding her wrist and pulling her back onto your lap. “Well, I think you were right here.”
She cupped your cheek, an emotion flashing on her face that you couldn’t place. It wasn’t one you’d ever seen her wear before. Your heartbeat became faster as she leaned forward, pausing right before your lips met.
“Tease.” You spoke before leaning forward and connecting your lips.
Where there's nothing from before
The next morning, you woke up to an empty bed and the sound of Bucky talking in the hallway. You laid in the bed for a few minutes, listening to see if someone else was in the hallway with her. All you could hear was her voice, muffled. The words weren’t clear, but when she stopped speaking you rolled over, tucking your face into the pillow and pretending to be asleep.
As Bucky entered the room, she called out your name. “Are you really still asleep? Come on, you should be up by now.”
You raised your head, blinking the sleep out of your eyes. “What?”
“Get up. Stevie wants to come over and she can’t know about you.”
Sighing, you got up and got dressed, grabbing your phone off the bedside table and leaving. Your coat and shoes were still by the front door, and all that was left was your keys. You brushed by Bucky as you went into her living room, looking for the last item that would let you finally leave.
“Looking for these?” Your keys were in her hand.
Nodding silently, you walked forward and took them from her.
“Not even a thank you?” She asked your back. You shook your head. “Come on, say something.”
“Something.”
“What the hell is up with you? You were fine last night.”
You turned around, looking her in the eye as you spoke. “This… thing that we have together, whatever you want to call it- I’m done. I love you. I can’t be your second choice, keeping your damn bed warm until you can get Stevie into it. This is only helping you.”
She opened her mouth to respond but you shook your head again, continuing. “You couldn’t have known because I never told you, but I can’t handle this anymore. We aren’t friends anymore in my mind, we’re friends with benefits and I have too many strings attached. Goodbye.”
You walked out of the door, not looking back.