Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

All day at school, Shelby dreaded last period. Computer Skills. The class she shared with Toni Shalifoe. 

Toni's reputation preceded her. She’d been suspended for fighting, for talking back to teachers, for other acts Shelby couldn’t even bring herself to think about because who would do something like that, during a basketball game, no less?

It didn’t come as a surprise then, that when they were paired up as partners, Toni dug into her with every word she spoke. 

Of course, Shelby probably shouldn’t have tried to make conversation by commenting on the fact the school couldn’t afford to get enough computers for each student to have one during the class. She learned then, that Toni wasn’t the only one with a reputation. 

“Well I’m sure things were different back in Texas, but here, nobody gets shit handed to them. I know your family thinks that your dad coming into town and opening another fucking church by the reservation is somehow gonna save us, but actually, white Christians like you are the reason shit’s so hard around here in the first place.”

 It was the first thing Toni ever said to her, whispered as their teacher talked about the importance of choosing a secure password. Shelby remembers shivering from a bigger rush of emotion that she thought was reasonable. Her dad chewed her up and spit her out worse than that on the daily, girls backstage at pageants had come up with some biting words for her as well. Nothing had ever felt quite like that, though. Still, Shelby tried, as always, to remain kind. 

“Toni, I totally respect Native American cultures…” She started, but Toni cut her off “Is that what you say so you can get a free pass to wear a feathered headdress to Coachella or some shit?” she sneered. 

“No.” Shelby replied, sternly, cutting off the conversation she’d started. Toni’s jaw clenched, like she wasn’t satisfied that Shelby wasn’t fighting back. Shelby tried to resolve to keep her cool, to respond sternly and shut everything down. 

“What’s the real reason your family moved here anyway? So that you could write your college essay all about helping the poor little rez kids, and how their little brown eyes shine up at you every time you hand them something? So that your parents can tell all their friends about how much help these poor Indians need, and how they’re the only ones capable of providing it?” Shelby dug her knuckles into her palms, so hard they almost turned white, and she knew that she’d have lasting marks on her hands if she didn’t  unclench soon.

Toni was wrong. She was wrong about the reason her parents had left Texas, but she had found just the right nerve. In the limited information she had on Shelby, she had picked the thing that shook her to her core. The reason for moving. 

“Shut your damn mouth.” Shelby hissed at her, as the pain from her nails seared in her palms.

She braced herself for Toni to just fucking punch her in the face, but instead was met with a face of surprise, followed by a very impressed smile. “Kitten’s got claws.” She said, running her fingers through her hair. She was oblivious to the double meaning of her words, the fact Shelby was practically piercing her own skin, and oblivious to the way the smell of her shampoo was doing things to Shelby she didn’t understand. 

It went on like that for weeks, the two of them bickering quietly as they took turns at the computer. Whenever it was Shelby’s turn, Toni would be at her shoulder, relentlessly going after her for every little thing. When it was Toni’s turn, Shelby did her best to stay back, but it was like she had a tiny string attached somewhere to her, pulling her into Toni, and the only way she could handle it was to lean against the computer desk and stare at Toni as she concentrated on the screen, and pick whatever fight she could think of. 

It’s surprising how much you can learn about someone from bickering with them. Toni would say something like “Where did you learn to sit with your back so straight? Serious oldest child energy. You’re an oldest child, admit it.” And of course, Shelby would have to confirm or deny (but usually confirm) her suspicions. 

Shelby would do it back, of course. She found that at one point, it shifted from her finding something to pick at Toni about, to finding a way to pick at Toni in order to get her curiosities answered. 

“Toni, you better wipe that Cheeto dust off your fingers before you touch our keyboard. Do you ever eat anything besides junk food? Honesetly.” 

“I actually really like fresh fruit, when I can afford it, not that you’d understand that shit. But strawberries, mangos, kiwi...any kind, really” After answering her question, Toni looked at her orange-covered fingers and brought them into her mouth, and turned to stare at Shelby as she sucked on them. She would later realize Toni had done it to annoy her. She had been looking at her expecting her to be disgusted, to tell her to get a tissue. But Shelby stared back, silently, mouth agape. She spent the whole night thinking about that moment, wondering if Toni had sensed what she was doing to her. 

In addition to little facts, you can learn other things about a person when bickering with them for 45 minutes daily. Shelby learned that when Toni held her breath and tensed her shoulders back, she had touched on something too far, and it was time to stop. Toni must have learned to watch Shelby’s hands for signs she was digging in, because she too, would stop when something was too far. Shelby learned not to bring up anything about Toni’s childhood, Toni eventually learned not to bring up the reason behind the Goodkind’s move.

It was about a week after the cheeto incident when Shelby heard through lunchroom gossip that Toni and her girlfriend Regan had broken up. And when she felt a sense of relief wash over her, she stopped herself from trying to be confused about what that might mean. 

That day, as Toni took her turn with the computer, practicing her Microsoft Excel shortcuts or something (what the hell even happened in that class? All Shelby ever thought about was what to rag on Toni about) Shelby considered what to say to answer the question on her mind. Well, one of them. 

She wanted to check in with Toni, ask if she was okay, but knew she could only do it if she spun it as an insult. When Toni cursed under her breath at the computer, Shelby saw her window. “Struggling with this? Were you up late crying about getting dumped?” She trained her eyes on Toni’s shoulders, watching for a sign she should stop. It didn’t come. 

“Nah, it was a long time coming. Not that you give a shit. Probably relieved for my mortal soul, huh?”

Shelby mulled over her answer. There were a lot of things she was feeling, relief being one of them, but not for Toni’s soul. “Just ‘cause my parents think that way, doesn’t mean I do. Not anymore, anyway.” The last part slipped in there and she wasn’t sure if she was happy it did.

“What got your head out of your ass? I mean, to the slight extent it is?” Toni asked, her eyes still on the screen, and Shelby wondered if she was hoping to hear...the truth. Well, one of two true reasons. (The other one, that was something Toni couldn’t have guessed.)

Shelby sighed and tightened her fists, making sure Toni could see it. As she predicted, Toni shifted the topic.  “So you don’t mind sharing a computer with a dyke then? Touching the same keyboard and mouse and shit?” 

Before she could stop herself, before she even considered what it would feel like or what Toni would think, she put her hand on the keyboard, just overlapping their pinkies. 

“Does it seem like I mind? Or are you making an ass out of yourself with your assumptions?” Shelby whispered, tentatively curling her pinky around Toni’s. She didn’t take her eyes off of the sight of their hands, and watched as Toni bent her pinky to allow Shelby to intertwine them. She could hear Toni breathing beside her, but her usually rapid-fire responses didn’t come. 

The teacher’s voice cut through the room, and both girls retracted their hands at the same time as he called out “Two more minutes, then switch partners.”

It brought Shelby crashing back down to reality, the room full of other kids, the parents at home who would send her off if they knew what had just happened. 

She looked at Toni, who was clearly fighting not to smile. Toni caught her gaze and her face broke into a grin, and Shelby couldn’t help but smile back. She felt the familiar pull towards Toni, like a supernatural force inside of her, but it was no longer tense and painful, like she was being dragged into the abyss. It felt like the two of them being pulled together. And she thought maybe, everything else aside, that tug could be enough. 

And for some time, it was. 

Until the time came that she came to dread last period more than she ever had before.

Chapter Text

After Shelby had placed her pinky finger over Toni’s, the change in their dynamic was subtle but noticeable. They still bickered under their breath, but Shelby no longer fought to conceal her smiles, and a few days after it happened, she even reached out to tuck a strand of hair behind Toni’s ear that kept falling in her face as she typed. 

“I bet you use 2 in 1 shampoo and conditioner.” Shelby said, searching for any insult related to the hair she loved to admire and would give anything to run her fingers through. 

“And yet it still looks this fucking good.” Toni said, giving her a little nudge that felt lille a tingle on Shelby’s skin the entire rest of the day.

When Monday rolled around, Toni arrived to their class and pulled a  Charleston Chew candy bar out of her pocket, placing it on the table between them (a space which had started small and only grown smaller).

“I know you’re probably on some pretentious diet or some shit but I found this.” Toni said, visibly trying to look nonchalant. 

Shelby slowly picked up the candy bar, and somehow it felt like it was worth so much more than the few dollars Toni had paid for it. But it was more. For one thing, Toni really didn’t have a lot of money to be throwing around, even for a candy bar. 

For another thing, it had been so many weeks since that day Toni had prodded her about being too uptight to even engage in a little sugar craving, and Shelby had corrected her, before lamenting that none of the darn stores in the small town seem to carry her favorite. 

“You found it?” Shelby repeated Toni’s words.

“Yeah, it was just laying around somewhere.” Toni said, leaning to crack her back over her chair and looking away from her.

“You’re an awful liar, didn’t anyone ever teach you not to lie?” Shelby teased.

That night, Shelby was craving the Charleston Chew, it had been so long since she’d had one. But she couldn’t quite bring herself to do it, she didn’t want to have to throw away the wrapper. So she just kept it on her desk, reaching out to touch it every once in a while because it had come from her. 

The next day, she worked on spreadsheet functions, Toni sitting so close she could feel her breath on her shoulder, and it was thoroughly distracting her from whatever was on the screen. 

Toni watched on as she typed the wrong numbers in, resulting in an error message. “This fricking thing…” she muttered to herself. “Seems like you really struggle with numbers, huh?” Toni whispered. Shelby waited for a follow up. 

“I bet you don’t even know your own phone number.” There it was. Shelby felt a grin spread across her cheeks, so wide she couldn’t keep it down. 

“I do, in fact. It’s 361-505-7988.” She rattled the numbers off as quickly as possible, wanting to make Toni need to ask a second time. 

“Oh really? You sure about that? Seems like something you made up in that blonde head.” Toni bumped into her lightly. 

“Guess you’ll have to wonder.” Shelby said with a shrug, praying Toni wouldn’t give up on it. 

“Well now I’m really doubting you. Can’t trust you as far as I can throw you.” Toni said, pulling her phone out of her pocket, and unlocking it to hand to Shelby. 

“I don’t think you could throw me an inch, those skinny arms couldn’t get me off the ground.” Shelby teased, typing her number in. 

Toni bit her lip. “You trying to get me to throw you around?” 

Shelby blushed, “Slow your roll, tiger, you just got my number.”

_

Shelby figured Toni might be the type to wait a few days to text, but she wasn’t. She got a text from her even before she got home. I’m sure this isn’t the right number, but on the off chance it is, hi Shelby :) hope you can read!

All night, they went back and forth. Though their texts had started out bantering, they had dropped the act. It wasn’t so different, really. All they did was ask questions of each other, get to know one another, they just didn’t preface it with some light insult.

The next day, she texted her covertly under her desk whenever she found the chance, until finally, last period came. For a second, she wasn’t sure how to act around Toni. But Toni just stuck her tongue out at her and said “Hey, dork.” Shelby felt that familiar pull into her, and she knew it would all flow just fine. 

_

It was two weeks of texting every minute they weren’t beside each other. Her friends asked who it was, and she wasn’t sure what to say but made something up about a friend back in Texas. Maybe that should have tipped them off, she didn’t have friends back in Texas, but it didn’t seem to. 

Finally, nearly 3 weeks after they exchanged numbers, they met up. Shelby grabbed a bento box and filled it with fruit- strawberries, mangos, and kiwi, as Toni had mentioned, weeks ago. She wasn’t going to pretend to forget, just like Toni hadn’t forgotten her favorite candy. She couldn’t stop her hands from shaking in anticipation as she hulled the strawberries, sliced the kiwi and the mango, and arranged them carefully in each section, making sure it looked perfect. 

When she pulled up to Toni’s apartment, she could feel the excitement all over her body. Toni came out of the door immediately, Shelby knew she must have been watching from the door. She watched her run her fingers through her wavy brown hair and even though they hadn’t said it was a date, she could feel that Toni must have thought it was, too.

If it were a date, maybe Shelby should have actually planned something, but then again, maybe Toni should have? She wasn’t sure how it really worked between two girls. But it seemed to be working just fine, as Shelby drove them aimlessly around the country roads, and Toni ate the fruit, smiling up at Shelby between each piece she grabbed. 

They ended up in the parking lot of a playground, which was empty due to the snow and ice covering all the equipment. They talked for what felt like minutes, but as the sun started to go down, Shelby knew they’d spent hours. 

“I’ve gotta start the car again.” She told Toni. Toni laughed. “Still getting used to what actual cold feels like?” 

Shelby nodded as she turned the car on. Toni took a deep breath and Shelby wondered if she was getting ready to ask what she thought she’d ask.

Shelby was ready, if she did, she decided. Toni had spent the day telling stories that included anecdotes from her childhood-her mother’s addiction, her father’s absence, her foster families-and Toni’s backstories filled in so many mysteries that made her so much more beautiful. 

“If you don’t wanna talk about it I totally get it but…” Shelby grabbed Toni’s hand. “It’s okay” she whispered. 

“Why did your family move?”

Shelby took a deep breath “Okay so…” She looked up at Toni, who was looking at her with wide, earnest brown eyes. 

“My dad is a preacher right? And there was this boy named Kyle in our church.” Shelby reached up to fiddle with her cross necklace with the hand that wasn’t intertwined with Toni’s. 

“And Kyle would come to our house every week to meet with my dad cause he was...going through something and my dad was trying to help him. And he thought it was going well. But then Kyle...he…” Shelby couldn’t bring herself to say it. She’d never actually had to say it, before. 

She looked at Toni, pleading with her to understand. Toni nodded, while she stroked Shelby’s hand with her thumb. It made Shelby feel cared for and brave enough to continue. The contact with Toni felt like that tight pull towards Toni was finally being satisfied, the string was no longer taught. 

“So after that, his dad...so his parents were divorced, and it was his mom who had my dad helping him. And his dad lives in Florida but when he found out, he came back to town, and went around telling everyone that it was my dad’s fault. That he was the reason Kyle…” Shelby took a deep breath, willing herself not to cry. 

“And a lot of people turned against my whole family. Even people who never supported Kyle would come up to me in school and say all sorts of hurtful things. And to my little siblings, too. So we had to move out, to get away from that whole mess. And my dad’s friend from college told him about the church up here needing a new preacher, so. Here we are.”

There, now Toni knew. After so many questions asked and answered, she finally answered the very first one. 

“Wow, Shelby, I...I don’t know what to say.” Toni said after a second of taking it all in.

“You probably hate me now.” Shelby sighed. 

“No, god no, not at all!” Toni reassured her, putting an arm around her shoulders.

“I obviously know you don’t agree with whatever your asshole dad did. That must have been really hard, having people treat you like that when you yourself are-”

“-my dad isn’t a bad person.” Shelby cut her off. She didn’t want Toni thinking her dad was bad, enough people were already convinced of that. 

Toni withdrew her arm from Shelby’s shoulders and loosened her grip from her hand. 

“What?” Toni questioned.

“My dad, he’s...I know he’s not perfect but he’s a good man.” Shelby said. She’d been telling herself that for years. That was the man who took her hunting, who bought her piles of gifts for Christmas and her birthday, who sang her songs and could cook steak better than anyone else on the planet. That was her dad and despite it all, she loved him. She had heard enough people say vile things about her father, she wasn’t going to take it from someone who had never even met him. 

“Okay, wait, back up, I might have missed something.” Toni said. “I thought you were saying that Kyle was gay and your dad was trying to run some conversion therapy shit on him, was that not the case?” Toni asked. 

Shelby wanted so terribly to lie. To say that Kyle was on drugs or something, when in fact her father had once expressed it would have been better if Kyle was on drugs than the way he was. 

She wanted Toni not to hate her dad, not to hate her. She knew what would happen if she told the truth. But she had to anyway.

“No, you got it right.” She whispered.

She felt Toni’s hand go limp in hers and start to pull away slightly. She felt that tug inside her start to ache. 

“Conversion therapy is torture. If your dad did that, it makes him a bad person.” Toni said, slowly, like she was waiting for Shelby to interject and agree with her. 

And yes, after Kyle passed, Shelby had spent hours online, reading all the things Kyle’s dad was posting about the harms of conversion therapy, crying to herself. 

She had always felt that if she could go through life with a boyfriend, playing the role of a straight girl and ignoring any feelings that told her she wasn’t, then everyone should be able to do the same. Her mind changed, reading those articles, and meeting Toni and feeling that pull, that was too strong to be covered up or ignored.

But Shelby couldn’t reconcile all that with that image of her loving father. 

“I don’t quite see it that way, I guess.” Shelby said. She knew what her father had done was bad, but couldn’t say that he himself was. There was just too much in her heart telling her that wasn’t the case. 

The second she defended her dad again, Toni yanked her hand back like she’d touched a hot stove. 

“Really? Gay daughter of a conversion therapist thinks her dad’s the good guy? You gonna go home after this and ask Daddy to cleanse you of the sin of spending time with me?”

“Don’t call me that.” Shelby bit back. Sure, she knew she liked Toni, but she wasn’t ready to hear that word. Not at that second. She’d practiced it in the mirror a few times, but it felt too frightening there in the car with the tension between them and inside Shelby rising to unbearable levels. 

“Don’t call you…” Toni looked confused for a second, before it dawned on her what Shelby had meant. “Don’t call you gay?” Toni asked, incredulously. 

“Yes.” Shelby hissed. 

“Oh you’ve got to be fucking kidding me. What the hell is this? Are you trying to tell me this was just a platonic hang out, holding hands in the car for 6 hours? What the fuck?” Toni was turning red and her shoulders were tense. Shelby curled her hands into a fist and dug in with her nails. 

“Oh my god I can’t believe-I mean I knew you were closeted but I didn’t realize you were in fucking Narnia.” Toni continued lamenting. 

“I didn’t...no, I mean I didn’t think of us as being just platonic, I just-” Shelby squeaked in pain as her nails dug in. Toni immediately looked at her hands, and reached over to one, attempting to make Shelby unclench it. “Stop it, Shelby.” She said simply, and Shelby could hear just enough care in her voice to relax her hand.

“Can you just take me back? I’m done talking about this.” Toni said. Shelby drove them home in the most painful silence, hoping the tears flooding her eyes wouldn’t prevent her from getting there safely. To Toni’s at least, Shelby felt she couldn’t care less if something happened to her after. 

As Shelby parked her car in front of Toni’s apartment building, Toni chuckled sadly to herself. “I really fucking liked you, you know? Fuck.” And somehow, that hurt worse to hear than Shelby expected. Maybe because it was proof she’d really had a good thing started and then ruined it, only a few hours in. 

“I liked you, too.” Shelby replied, and the past tense felt so wrong on her tongue, as she felt just as compelled as she ever had to pull Toni into her and never let go. 

“Well, you’re going to have to figure that shit out, but I’m no one’s experiment.” Toni told her before opening the car door. Just before she slammed it shut, she said “Thanks for the fruit.” 

That night, Shelby held the still-uneaten Charleston chew and cried so hard she thought her eyes might fall out. She knew what Toni had said was true, she was the gay daughter of a conversion therapist, and she had no idea how she could be gay without losing her status as a daughter.

Chapter Text

The next two weeks were torturous. Shelby hadn’t known what to expect, walking into computer class. She thought maybe Toni would really lay into her, insult her for real, pick her apart, maybe even out her in front of everybody. 

Toni did nothing of the sort. She spent the class periods sitting as far away from Shelby as possible, staring at her phone. When it was time to switch computer access, Toni would wait until Shelby had moved far away from their computer before getting on it. She refused to make eye contact and didn’t say a word. 

It somehow hurt worse than being torn apart. The nasty words of people at her old school in Texas were nothing compared to this ice coming off of Toni. And even still, Shelby felt that tug inside of her, pulling towards Toni, like a painful ache. 

It was a Monday, 9 days after the failed “date” that it seemed like things might be turning around. Toni seemed to be sitting marginally closer to her, at least. She was still on her phone, though. But when Shelby glanced at the screen, she felt any healing in her heart rip open again. All Shelby could see was the name at the top of the screen-Regan.

After all of that, Toni was back with her fucking ex. And to think, Shelby almost put everything out on the line for her. To think, Shelby probably still would, given the insane way she somehow still manages to feel about this person who actively acts like she doesn’t exist. 

Shelby doesn’t even notice herself curling her fists tight until she sees Toni grab a pencil off the table and lightly tap the back of her hands with the eraser. 

It’s a small gesture really-Toni is just trying to stop her from actively hurting herself, which is less a declaration of love and more a sign of the most basic level of human decency. But at the same time, it’s a sign she’s still watching her, watching for her little tics that other people don’t even notice. 

Shelby knows she can’t keep hurting herself just to get Toni’s attention, but the gesture plants a seed of hope in her that maybe she hadn’t ruined everything entirely. 

_

Shelby started writing the letter on Monday night. She wasn’t sure if she’d ever give it to her-she had piles of letter she’d never sent. Some to her parents, her old friends, many to Kyle, written after his passing. 

She wrote and wrote, explaining her perspective. 

On Monday, she wrote about her dad. That she had such a hard time letting go of the image of her father as a wonderful dad, and reconciling that with the fact he had done truly awful things, had truly awful beliefs, and that she knew one day those awful things would come directed at her. That she didn’t want to think about the fact she’d be on the receiving end of that, so she tried to forget all about it. 

On Tuesday, she wrote about her faith. She wrote about growing up in the church, her relationship with God, and the fact that despite it all, she believed in Him and believed He loved her, exactly as he made her. At least, she was trying to. 

On Wednesday, she wrote about her feelings for Toni. She came up with a dozen ways to try and describe the feeling she had, like an invisible string was pulling them together, like God and destiny and her body and the universe was urging her towards Toni. She wrote about the way she had fallen in love with Toni so quickly, and so unaware of it for a while. She wrote about the hot cheeto incident, and about the fact she still couldn’t eat that damn candy bar, even though she knew it would taste good. She wrote about the dreams she had about her, during waking hours and while asleep-she wrote about the house she saw them living in one day, the kids they might have, the life they could maybe have together. She wrote about the steamy dreams she was no longer embarrassed to wake up from. She wrote about this feeling she had like there were a million alternate versions of them, and somehow, against so many odds, they always fall in love. 

On Thursday, she looked over the pages and pages of all the crazy shit she’d written all week, and took out a fresh sheet of paper, promising to limit herself. She took the most important parts of each section and left out all the really unhinged stuff about her feelings that would probably send Toni running for the hills, and the stuff that felt too personal to divulge to someone who still might choose not to talk to her ever again anyway. 

She hid away all the extra papers, figuring that maybe one day, she’d have the opportunity to show Toni the unabridged version of what she could only hope would be the letter that would give them a fresh start. 

She tucked the final draft, one page, single spaced, front and back, into an envelope and sealed it. 

All day Friday, the letter sat like a weight in her backpack. She saw Toni in the hall once, briefly, and almost wanted to give it to her then, so that she could get it over with, but she resisted.

When Toni sauntered in to computer class, Shelby felt her palms begin to sweat. She still hadn’t decided what to do-should she just shove the envelope at her? Try to talk to her first? Should she do it before class or after?

Before she could make a decision, Toni surprised her. “Hey, Shelby, um, I was wondering...if you had any time to talk after class today.” Toni was looking everywhere but her face but her voice sounded open and genuine. 

Shelby felt her heart soar with hope-tenuous hope. Toni had been texting Regan earlier in the week, and up until just then more or less was acting like Shelby was nothing at all. But this seemed like a good sign, at the very least, she would be able to deliver Toni the letter without excessive awkwardness.

“I’d like that.” Shelby replied, and by the slight smile on Toni’s face, she knew she wasn’t alone in the feeling. 

They still didn’t talk during class, but Toni stayed off her phone for the most part, and didn’t sit curled away from Shelby. 

When the final bell rang, Shelby felt a pit of anxiety deep in her stomach. As the other students in the class threw their backpacks on and ran out of the room, her and Toni took their time, both avoiding looking at the other. Shelby pulled the envelope out of her backpack and held it pressed to her abdomen, so that Toni couldn’t see her name written on the front of it, though she wasn’t sure why. 

“Um, do you maybe wanna go to the first floor by the water fountains?” Toni finally broke the silence. “There’s no lockers over there so it should be pretty dead.”

Shelby nodded and wondered what it was Toni wanted to say that she didn’t want others overhearing. The walk to their destination was less than a minute, but every step felt like a marathon, as Shelby wondered what it was she was walking to.

They finally reached the spot, and stood against the wall, only a few feet apart, a friendly distance. Shelby steeled herself before finally making eye contact with Toni. Those beautiful brown eyes bore into her soul, something inside her screaming, wanting to reach out and lose herself in her. 

“So, I’m kinda shit at this, but…” Toni started, before cutting herself off as she looks at the envelope Shelby still had pressed into her stomach, that she was holding with both hands. “Did you need to give that to someone? Like I can wait if you-“

“No, no, it’s…” Shelby glanced at the envelope, peeking at the name on the front of it, as if there was any possible way she had forgotten. “It’s for you, actually.”

“Okay…” Toni looked confused, and it scarred Shelby. 

“But you say whatever you wanted to say first.” Shelby pleaded, trying to spare herself possible embarrassment if Toni took this opportunity to just rip her heart out and stomp all over it. 

“Okay, well I guess I kinda have to.” Toni nodded. She looked around before launching into a monologue. 

“So the thing is, I fuck things up a lot. I get angry and I say or do shit without thinking, and it comes back to bite me in the ass later. And at first, I didn’t think I’d done anything wrong, with what I said to you. But then I talked to my best friend, who’s kinda like a sister to me. And don’t worry, she doesn’t live here, she-”

“I remember. Martha.” Shelby told her. She remembered all about Martha, the girl Toni had told her about in response to some jab about how she seems not to have any positive people in her life. She’d learned more about Martha, that day in her car, and she knew that Martha would be a good person to have on her side.

“Yeah, Martha. So I talked to her and told her what happened and she basically got me to see things a little differently. I think I see things too black and white sometimes, and I realize that the situation with your dad is complicated and not something I can even really relate to. So…” Toni took a deep breath before continuing. “I’m sorry.” She said it like the words felt foreign on her tongue. “And even if you never wanna hang out again, I just hope things can be less weird between us, because it’s honestly painful all around. And I also wanted to let you know that I’m not going to tell anyone at school about what happened, I’ll let you figure your shit out on your own time.” 

With that, Toni nodded, signaling she had finished with seemed to be almost a prepared statement.

“I forgive you.” Shelby said, and meant it with every bit of her soul. Toni smiled and nodded at her. 

“So we’re cool then?” Toni asked, when Shelby didn’t add anything. Shelby nodded. She wanted to say more but the words were all stuck in her throat. 

“Um…” Toni pointed at the envelope. Her hand trembling, Shelby started handing it over, but snatched it back just before Toni took it. 

“Sorry, I just...were you texting Regan the other day during class?”

Toni looked completely taken aback. Shelby knew that nowhere in her apology had Toni really suggested anything romantic might happen, but Shelby had just realized she wanted to know that one last thing before she let Toni read her heart poured into the page. 

“Yes?” Toni said, and Shelby felt her throat tighten. “I was living with her before we broke up and she found some more of my stuff and was asking about when I could come pick it up.

“Okay, so you and her are…”

“Friendly acquaintances, at best.” Toni assured her. 

Shelby nodded, and again, reached out to hand Toni the letter. Toni took it from her almost comically slowly, but Shelby didn’t have any questions left that she needed to ask. 

“Can I read it now?” She asked, already tearing the envelope open. Shelby fought the urge to run away, and nodded. 

She took it out and glanced at it, turning it to observe that it was incredibly long.

She smiled up at Shelby. Shelby wondered if she’d been able to skim any meaning in her quick once-over of the letter, she felt her heart beating out of her chest. 

“I’m gonna get more comfortable, if you care to join me.” Toni said, shrugging out of her backpack and sinking down to sit on the floor, leaning against the wall. Shelby mirrored her, feeling much more awkward in her own body than Toni had appeared to be. 

She wanted to study Toni’s face as she read, but instead ending up watching her own hands as she chipped at her nail polish. She heard the paper rustle as Toni flipped it around to read the other side, which just happened to be almost entirely filled with the section about Shelby’s feelings for her. 

She prepared herself for impending humiliation. 

She heard the paper rustle again as Toni relaxed her arms after finishing it, but didn’t dare to look away from her own hands, until she heard Toni say her name.

She looked up at her, and immediately noticed the redness in the other girl’s eyes. “I had no idea.” Toni said.

“No idea about what?” Shelby asked, still on the very edge because she could not read Toni at the moment.

“That you…” Toni glanced at the letter again. “That you felt all the same thingsI’ve been feeling.”

“What?” She asked, afraid she’d misheard or misunderstood her.

“The feeling of there being some…” Toni motioned between the two of them.

“Some invisible string?” Shelby asked. 

Toni snorted “I was trying to avoid quoting Taylor Swift but yes.” Toni said.

“So what are you saying? Do you have feelings for me?” Shelby asked, just to be sure.

Toni looked around the empty hallway before sighing “I have so many feelings for you it scares me.” 

Shelby’s heart leaped in her chest with every word Toni said. 

“So where do we go from here?” Shelby asked. 

“Where do you wanna go?” 

Shelby thought about the original letter, she thought about the day they’d spent in the car. She thought about the prospect of hiding a relationship from her parents while still living at home for the next year and a half, and the fact that if it was with Toni, whatever happened would be worth it. She looked to Toni, who was looking at her waiting patiently for an answer. Her eyes drifted down to Toni’s lips and suddenly she had only one thing on her mind. 

“Well right now, I just wanna kiss you.” 

They both looked around the hall quickly, before Shelby scooted over to Toni, grabbed her face and brought her in for a quick, warm, kiss. 

As they pulled back, Shelby could see on Toni’s face that she was feeling everything she was. That kiss had solidified the feelings they had suspected, that that tension they had always felt towards each other, that pull, was something special, some miraculous sign that they were meant to be each other’s person. 

_

Right as she got home, Shelby pulled out her phone to text Toni.

“ Just so you know, saying that the phrase  “invisible string” is a Taylor Swift reference says more about your hidden obsession with Taylor Swift than it does about my very open and reasonable appreciation for her music. So tell me, how long have you been a diehard swiftie?”

“Not a diehard swiftie, not a swiftie at all, I just like that song. And tbh I’ve liked it since the day you wore the folklore album shirt to school and then I went home and listened to it and that song made me think of you.”

“Wasn’t that like the second week of class?” Shelby remembered because she’d only worn the shirt to school once, just after she had received it. 

“Um did you listen to the lyrics at all?? ...ALL ALONG there was some invisible string.” 

Shelby couldn’t stop herself from beaming.