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The BAU wasn’t meant for people like you. You’d thought it was the perfect fit at first, years of true crime shows and podcasts, a dedication and love for the study of psychology and of course your risk taking nature. It was your dream job or it should’ve been. But eventually the bodies took a toll and old wounds were reopened. You couldn’t do this. Day after day your life was put on the line and you chased after people who always managed to take one more life before you got them. You were going to quit.
Honestly crying in the BAU’s evidence storage unit wasn’t your proudest moment but feeling the solid wall pressing on you back was reassuring and at least it was better than humiliating yourself in front of your colleagues by having one of them see you cry-
“Thought I’d find you here.” Nevermind. You refused to look up at him. Nothing in the world could convince you to face Spencer Reid, to make you acknowledge that the most incredible and intelligent agent on your team had just caught you sodding on the dirty floor of the evidence locker.
“You know most of the stuff in here is ancient,” he said. “None of the new stuff goes to us since we don’t really need it but five years after the BAU was established they managed to convince the higher ups that some material evidence was essential for analysing patterns in different types of unsubs. Hence the whole ‘stabbing is linked to impotence’.” He was still standing up, hesitant to fully approach you. He fiddled with the objects on the shelves and you felt so horrible for doing this to him. A new wave of tears pressed at your eyes. You’d forced him to take responsibility of you, forced him to bear you and your burdens.
Still not meeting his eyes you spoke, “you don’t have to be here, Reid.” Your voice a bit rough, giving away to Reid that you’d been crying for a long time now.
“Please, you’re in the evidence room clearly having some for of a mental break-“
“That’s not how those-“
“I know. But you’re not okay, doesn’t take a profiler to know that. Besides it’s clearly impacting your ability to work.” Ah, that’s the reason. Well, he wouldn’t have to worry about that any longer.
Suddenly Reid stepped closer. He moved right next to you and sat down, side pressed against side. He felt warm, a nice contrast to the rest of the room. You wanted to lean in more, to have him wrap his arms around you and pull you into him. Hopefully he’d think the shivered that went through was from the cold.
“What happened?” Reid asked, you could hear the worry in his voice. Fuck, did you look that messed up? Every agent deals with this shit. Why was he so worried about you?
“The last case,” you said, “it hit close to home.” You didn’t say anymore. You didn’t really need to.
“We can’t control much of this, you know that. But I’ve found we can control how we cope with it,” he paused and for the first time you looked up at him. His eyes were prettier up close, despite everything they’d seen in this job his eyes still had a flicker of optimism. Or maybe you were projecting.
“Reid, how do I keep living like this? There’s no one I can look at without second guessing their intentions, I’m paranoid. I wake up in my apartment in the middle of the night and I have to get up to triple check there isn’t someone in there who wants me dead. I try to date but each new person is just an extra weakness, a way for an unsub to blackmail me. I can’t do it…” Tears were falling faster than you could wipe them away. You turned away from Reid, he couldn’t see you this weak.
“Couple months back I relapsed,” his words weren’t as surprising as you wish they were. “I thought it was all finally too much. I was pretty risky about where I used too. I did it in precinct bathrooms and behind walls that hardly obstructed peoples view of me because I wanted to get caught. I wanted Hotch to fire me so I could finally put this all behind me, just like Gideon.” He was scratching at his hand, trying to break the skin, a habit you were more than familiar with yourself. You took his hand and held it in your own. ‘Just to stop him scratching’ you told yourself.
“How come you're still here then, huh? Hotch just really oblivious?” You smiled at him, probably not as convincingly as you hoped.
“No, pretty sure he always knew. The reason I’m here is you,” he smiled, you could get used to seeing that more often. “We were on a stalker case as you told me ‘at least we’re making one person feel safe, at least we’re trying’ and I knew why I had joined the BAU again. It was never because of glory or stopping all the forces of evil, it was to make at least one person feel safe.” He leaned into you, his hand you’d been holding moved to caressing your cheek. This wasn’t happening. Was your first kiss with Spencer Reid really about to be when you’re puffy eyed and continuously sniffling?
“Let me make you feel safe,” he whispered and you decided that even if you looked like a mess, you were going to kiss him.
It wasn’t the best kiss, Spencer was definitely taken off guard but it was nothing a few more tries couldn’t help. After kissing and giggling and somehow maneuvering yourself to have your legs across his lap you finally started to let yourself believe this was real.
“I hope I’ve convinced you not to leave the BAU,” Spencer whispered into your ear.
“You knew?”
“Of course I did, I’m the best profiler on the team!” He laughed, “well maybe second best.”
“No definitely the best but you’re not the sharpest.”
“Excuse you I have three P.H.Ds!” He said with a mock indignation in his voice.
“You may do but none of them ever taught you common sense like,” you moved your mouth next to his ear and whispered as close to seductively as you could manage, “if you’re going to disappear from your desk to make out with your crying coworker you should probably lock the door.” Just as Spencer started asking you what you meant, that very door swung open revealing a scandalised Agent Hotchner as well as Garcia and Emily peeking over his shoulders (both of them seemed to be muttering something about owing Morgan twenty dollars).
“Agents,” Hotchner said, seemingly only barely stopping himself from bursting a blood vessel, “I’m sure I do not have to tell you how inappropriate this is. Please return to your desks and iron out your new found… relationship with HR.” He began to turn around when he added, “I am very happy for you both.”
The door swung shut and you turned to Spencer, “I think he took it well.” Giving you one last kiss Spencer laughed.
“Let’s go fill out that paperwork.”