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1.
Do you know what they say about how you only realize how much you love someone when you finally lose them?
Yeah. That’s how Mark was feeling while looking at the wide and beautiful smile Donghyuck had on his face.
He hated it.
Don’t get him wrong. He loves Hyuck’s smile. If you ask him, is one of the most wonderful things you can see as a human being. Sure as hell it is. But right now things were just… different.
Seeing his Sun that happy and Mark doesn’t being the reason for it felt like a truck passing over him. But in the end, it was irrational, because Donghyuck was never his.
Was he?
Maybe he was, at some point, at a time where Mark was dumb enough to think the other would always be there, with him, loving him.
He sighed and proceeded to repeat the same moves their choreographer had taught them minutes ago, trying hard to not peak over his shoulder, knowing in the deepest part of his mind, he would never catch his eyes on him again.
At least not as he used to.
It had been like that for almost three months but right there was the first time Mark Lee was hurt by Lee Donghyuck.
He’s happy. He deserves to be happy, don’t be selfish.
2.
Everyone was having dinner in the kitchen like they always did and for a moment, everything felt right. Felt normal.
Until Mark looked at the boy in front of him, wearing sweatpants and a hoodie. Nothing special at first sight, but for Mark it was.
Donghyuck wasn’t wearing his own hoodie or Johnny’s, or even Chenle’s… No. He was sure it was from Sungchan and that, well fuck, that hurt him, for the second time, because not long ago, the only hoodie he would wear was his.
Everyone knew it.
"Hyung, can I have your hoodie?’"Donghyuck pouted.
"You have a lot of hoodies, Hyuck. Just ask Johnny or Jaemin. I’ll have to shop more if you continue taking mine and not returning them." Mark sighed, trying to continue reading his book.
"But I don’t want theirs. I just want yours," the other whispered softly, kneeling on Mark’s bed.
"Whatever, you'll take it anyways," Mark finally said, ignoring the warm sensation in his belly caused by Donghyuck’s words.
It just... hurt.
That was the last time Hyuck asked him to grab one of his hoodies.
3.
The third time he was hurt was the day they received their first win for 90's Love.
All the members were heading off the stage, reaching the dressing room to go grab some food to celebrate. Not just their first win, but also Sungchan first stage and his first win ever.
You could see how excited everyone was to have the night off. Mark too, even if he couldn’t go with them due to another project he was doing with other NCT members. It sucked. But the worst had been when he finally arrived at their dorm floor, sweating and with two big dark eye bags, and saw two figures standing in front of their dorm.
At first, he thought they could be seasengs, scaring him and not having any willpower to deal with a situation like that. Although he quickly erased that thought from his mind when he heard Donghyuck’s laugh.
He sighed with relief.
He had missed hearing that goofy laugh.
So, with the hall empty of supposed saesangs, he began to walk towards Hyuck, like an iman, stopping his feet right when he saw who he was with.
Sungchan.
Mark was just inches behind them when he saw how Sungchan's face approached Hyuck’s and just like that, he was kissed his cheek. The other wasn’t moving away. Instead, he blushed. He blushed like a damn fourteen teenager would.
After that, both of them giggled like they had just done something bad. And maybe they did.
They hurt him.
Again.
Mark didn’t return back to the dorm until the next week, ignoring Donghyuck's worried face as he saw him.
If Donghyuck could ignore his presence for almost three months, Mark could do it too, right? Because he wasn’t that dumb. He knew the younger fell apart from him a long time ago, without saying anything.
He just left his side, like nothing.
"I hate you Lee Donghyuck. I hate you so much you have no idea,” he mumbled as tears began to fall, disappearing between the water drops from the shower.
4.
“Guys, I think you two need to calm down, you—”
“Leave us alone Doyoung! This has nothing to do with you in the first place,” the younger snapped, surprising everyone in the room. “Can you all just leave us alone for a damn minute?”
Mark looked at Taeyong, nodding to him, indicating him to leave with the others. What was coming was a storm and he didn’t want more people injured because of him.
He didn’t know when they had begun to argue and he surely didn’t know that confessing his feelings to Donghyuck would cause this situation.
He thought that maybe he would just nod and continue with his things or maybe be mad and ignore him for the rest of his life (or maybe accept his feelings and get together), but there they were. In Hyuck’s room, waiting for all the members to leave the dorm.
Maybe he shouldn’t have told him. Should have just forgotten about it and made everyone continue with his life. But he was so hurt he could barely go on and make it seem like he didn’t give a fuck about it, cause he indeed gave a fuck about it.
He had heard by accident how Donghyuck was telling Jaemin that Sungchan finally asked him to be his boyfriend and he had sounded so happy that Mark swore he heard his heart broke.
And as people say, when we are heartbroken we make stupid decisions, or maybe he was just stupid enough to decide that the best thing to do was to enter Hyuck’s room and tell him ‘I love you’ just as someone could say ‘Hey’.
So yeah. That was the start of the chaos.
Fucking dumb. That’s what you are.
As soon as they heard the front door close the air became suffocating, almost asphyxiating.
“Hyuck—”
“No. Now you listen to me Lee Minhyung!” Hyuck interrupted him instantly, taking him by surprise with his scream.
Donghyuck’s breath began to be heavy and his words full of angriness. “You have no right to tell me all of this now. You don’t get the right to throw away all my efforts to forget about you, to avoid you, to stop thinking about how stunning you are every day or how damn well your hair smells when you get out of the shower. You have absolutely no fucking right to tell me you love me when I am finally starting to be happy and you’re not the reason for it!”
Anger was running through Donghyuck's body, trying hard to not let his tears fall down. He hated arguing.
“And I really believe that's what you hate the most of all of this. The fact it isn't you who's making me this happy but you know what? Fuck off, Lee. I spent almost a quarter part of my life loving you. Taking care of you since day one. Trying so fucking hard to make you fall for me. To let that stupid brain of yours understand that I would take a damn bullet for you if I had to! The only thing you had to do was notice me!” Hyuck yelled while his body trembled.
God, Mark wanted to hold him tight and never let him go. Instead, he stood there, nodding because he knew Hyuck was right. Mark had no right to do this to him, to make him unhappy.
“I’m sorry Hyuck—”
“Shut the fuck up, will you?” responded the other, not even looking at him anymore, trying to calm his thoughts. “What’s the point of saying you are sorry when you knew that you would hurt me anyways, huh?” he turned his head to look at him frowning, his eyes widening like he had discovered something. “It’s that what you want? Prove to yourself that, no matter what, in the end, I'll come back to you again and again like an idiot even when you've caused me so much pain? Is that?”
As Hyuck said those words, tearing up, Mark started to shake his head quickly, trying to deny it. He would never do that to him. Of course, he was selfish, the most selfish human at that moment, but none of his actions had the finality Hyuck was thinking.
Silence settled into the room, filling it with tension, anger and sadness, making breathing the most difficult task for both of them. And none of them faced each other.
Mark was afraid to speak. Scared Hyuck would shut him down again. But he needed to explain his reasons. He owned it to him after all.
“C—Could you listen to what I have to say? Then I promise I'll let you go and never bother you again if that’s what you want.” He felt the other’s gaze on him and finally decided to look at him, which made his heart ache.
Donghyuck’s face was a mess, a sobbing mess. Tears still falling down and his nose red from crying.
He breathed in, trying to slow his heartbeat and then, he started talking, letting it all out.
“I love you, Donghyuck. I— I really do.” Donghyuck snorted. “I know you don’t believe me and, don’t get me wrong, I understand, but it still feels unfair," Mark gulped, looking down.
"And I know I don't have the right, of anything honestly, because I've caused you so much pain, even more than the one you have caused me, and I think I knew it, deep in my heart I was conscious that I was being selfish because your feelings were obvious to everyone, even to me and I took you for granted. As well as that you'd only need my presence to be content. And fuck, that was the biggest bullshit I have ever thought of. But then it made sense because you fading away from my side was never on the map but you did it—”
“I had to! It was killing me, Mark. Loving you was hurting me so much I couldn’t eat or sleep! I spent nights crying, sobbing, thinking I was gonna die because of you! Because of the pain! Because it didn't matter what I did, it was never enough for you. In the end, I was never enough for you,” Donghyuck finished, voice croaking as he let the last words slip through his lips.
Mark swallowed hard. Fuck. How hard had he broken Donghyuck?
He saw Donghyuck's shoulders tremble while he sobbed. Immediately, Mark took three steps, trying to hug him, wanting him to feel okay, to be fine. But just as he stood in front of the other, Hyuck took enough steps from him, not wanting to breathe the same air as him.
Damn. Donghyuck did not want to be there.
"That's not true Hyuck, you— you are enough. More than enough. Have always been. I'm so sor—" he began to say, shaking his head, looking at the younger with sorrow.
"I know I am enough. Fuck you! Now I know I've always been. Maybe I'm even more than what you should have received. And I know it because there's someone who's actually willing to make me know what healthy happiness means. Someone who's willing to teach me how to love myself without wanting something in return. Someone who wants to make me understand it was never my fault you didn't fall in love with me."
Donghyuck looked at him sharply and Mark squirmed.
He was right. Donghyuck was right.
Mark closed his eyes, ignoring his heartbeat. He didn't want to argue anymore. Didn't want any of this. So he just nodded, letting him know he understood. And he did.
Now he just wanted to be done with this, and Donghyuck too.
Mark opened his eyes again, maintaining his gaze on Hyuck, who just ignored him, ruffling his hair in distress. Then, Mark frowned and played with his fingertips nervously, an old habit he had gained again because of the absence of Hyuck’s hand on his to stop him.
“I'm—I'm happy for you," he whispered. "But I don't want to end this conversation and maybe even our friendship without saying this." Donghyuck gazed at him, his clenched jaw now loosened. "I love you. I loved you. I'll always love you. And I'm sorry, for letting you know only now my feelings. Even if you don’t want to, cause you already have someone who's willing to do the things I didn’t do because I was and still am a coward. That is what I’m most sorry for, being a coward.”
At his point, the only thing it could be heard was the beat of Mark’s heart and Hyuck’s sniffles.
“I want to apologize for not being brave enough to clear my thoughts and go after you. For not letting you know, not even— not even once, how important you are to me and how it killed me the thought of you not being in my life at any moment, like right now. I'm also sorry for hurting you so fucking damn much. You didn't deserve this. I didn't deserve you. I never did. But…”
He focused on Hyuck’s eyes while he took a step forward and with fear, brought his right hand to that golden skin, scared he would refuse his touch. Which he didn’t to his surprise, but he noticed how tense Donghyuck was.
Now both of them were looking at each other with eyes filled with an amount of unspoken feelings.
“As well as I want you to know I love you, in all the verb tenses possible, you also were, are, and always will be my sunshine. My peace, my muse, my light at dark times.” Mark stroked his cheek softly, making Hyuck close his eyes, his heart shrank. “Look at me, Hyuckie” he whispered, waiting for it and smiling a little bit when he did.
“Lee Donghyuck, you are my home, my safe boat, my soulmate and I’m one hundred per cent convinced that you're also the love of my messy life, no matter what. Even if I'm not yours anymore,” he said, tearing up as Hyuck gasped, taken aback, too overwhelmed to even think, grabbing hard Mark’s shirt. “And I don’t care if you don’t believe me.” He moved one step closer, their feet touching. “I also know I shouldn't be saying this.'' Both of them were breathing heavily as the older brought his forehead closer to the other, causing him a chill. “But you deserve the truth, Hyuckie. No matter how late I am. How hard I broke you.”
This was too much for Donghyuck. His body was trembling and not because of the cold since he was feeling an overwhelming fire on him. Too dizzy to even maintain his gaze on the boy in front of him.
Fuck. He was just millimetres away and Donghyuck could smell the fragrance of Mark’s soap. Coco. Hyuck could melt right on his spot.
But that wasn’t the worst part.
It was the fact that he was sure he just had to tilt his head and bring their faces together to finally kiss him, and for once, Mark would correspond him.
But Mark was too late. It didn't matter anymore.
“I can’t let you go without letting you know the truth,” Mark whispered again, grabbing Hyuck’s waist with his arms, feeling so right it burned.
“And what is the truth Mark Lee?” asked Donghyuck as he placed his own arms around his neck, not letting any air pass between them. Bodies glued to each other. Hearts one in front of the other, making their own heartbeat.
Hyuck knew it would be the first and last time they were like that. He just as well do what his body wanted. And it wanted Mark's warmness.
“The truth is that I love the hell out of you and now, despite your beliefs, I'd not hesitate to take millions of bullets for you if that means I can protect you and make you know what you really mean to me.”
Hyuck’s breath stuck in his throat not believing all of this was real. It couldn't be real. Too good to be true. Too late to be remedied. “Are you conscious that what you've just said is fucking selfish?”
“I am, and I’m deeply sorry for it Hyuckie, but as I said, better late than never, don’t you think?” Mark grabbed his waist even harder than before, contemplating the boy’s eyes, shining as the brightest star in the whole galaxy.
“It… It doesn’t always work like that,” the younger sighed, beginning to get lost in those doe eyes, which were looking at him as a treasure. “You can’t appear out of nowhere and pretend everything will be okay just by saying those things. Things I’ve always wanted to hear from you. It’s not fair.”
Hyuck sighed, continuing. “You can’t pretend that what you're doing only affects your life because that’s selfish and immature and I thought you knew better.” Mark swallowed hard. “Not when I finally gained the courage to stop myself from loving you and start something new with an amazing guy who not only treats me well but also makes me feel loved every single day, thing you never did. I still love you, in some kind of way I still do, but I have very clear nothing would ever be the same. It just can't. Because every time I see you it feels like a dagger burring in my heart.”
Hearing him saying those words felt like his soul leaving his body and new tears began to appear, blurring everything. Donghyuck on the other hand felt like his heart was gonna explode.
Mark thought that maybe they would be okay. That Hyuck would leave Sungchan for him. God, how fucked was that? But after hearing him, he knew it wouldn't happen anytime soon. Not even in five lifetimes.
“I gave you years, Mark. Years, months, days and hours to tell me all of this. I never pressured you and I’m sorry if you’ve ever felt that way. It was never my intention,” he said with his voice strangled but softly. “But right now, and I want you to look me right in the eyes because I’m dead serious,” he lifted Mark’s chin, their noses still touching, “right now is my turn to be selfish. To finally be happy. Loved. And corresponded. No more hurt. I deserve to, hyung.”
Mark sniffed, tear after tear, soaking his shirt and Donghyuck’s as well. Hurt. Hurt so bad it started to be mission impossible to breathe, everything spinning around, losing his thread with reality. His lungs felt like fire, burning every time more and more and his legs shaking so hard he knew he would fall at any time soon.
Donghyuck closed his eyes and gently, he began to stroke his hair, telling him to breathe. "Breath Markie, I’m here. It’s okay. You’re gonna be okay." His words only caused him to sob harder.
Is that the way he made Donghyuck feel? So miserable and hopeless? Someone with no one to hold to?
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. God, Donghyuck I’m so sorry I made you feel like this. Oh my god, Hyuckie, I’m so sorry—” Mark gasped for air, feeling suffocated. Meanwhile, Donghyuck started to tear up, understanding him. He had been in his position an amount of times before, but he knew he couldn’t tell him that or he would faint right in his arms.
That’s why he decided to just shut him, stroke his hair and whisper that everything would be okay. That he would be okay. That they would be okay again.
Even if it was a lie.