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It was the first day of spring. Armin heard its call that morning when he woke and followed it outside, wandering down the path that led to the bench at the very end of the garden. He wanted to admire the day, felt the real urge there under his skin. It was a feeling hard to come by in the winter months, fighting against the gruelling cold that made him so… tired. Now the last of the snow had melted, save for what settled on the peaks of the distant mountains and lasted even through summer. Above, the sun was shining, rising behind him; as faint as it was, Armin could feel its warmth on the back of his neck, and it made him smile just a little.
It was spring, but there was no dramatic change from the day before. The landscape hadn’t changed from white to green overnight, nor had the trees grown back their leaves; no white blossoms fell from the sky, and the flowers in their garden hadn’t begun to bloom. But still, Armin thought, as he looked out at the wild daffodils - it was going to keep getting warmer. The days would stretch on and on, and the nights with all their darkness would grow shorter.
Those cold nights in winter had a way of making Armin forget that he had so many things his past self had longed for so desperately. He had a home, one he shared with his husband, the man he loved so much. He had this world around him - nature that went on and on and never got any less beautiful. When he reached his lowest points Armin would hold those things over his head and berate himself for not being able to appreciate them, telling himself that he was ungrateful, undeserving. Spring gave him clarity, made him kinder - both to himself and others. It did him good to feel his own gratitude in full force.
“Hey,” came a voice from behind him - it made Armin jump.
“Jean!” Armin said, turning around to see his husband walking over from their little home on the hilltop. “You startled me.”
“Sorry,” Jean smiled. He sat down beside him on the old bench, letting their knees and shoulders touch. “Will you forgive me…? I brought tea.”
“Thanks.”
Jean’s hair was a little damp, and he smelled like shampoo. He always showered in the morning. Armin preferred to take long baths at night. It was another of those little things that made them so compatible, that Armin loved. Sneaking a look at Jean while he admired the view, Armin studied his face, catching each detail he loved so much about him. His long eyelashes, the single freckle below his left ear, the stubble on his jaw. How he smiled just from looking out at the world. Armin loved him so much.
After a moment, Jean turned back to look at Armin and kissed him quickly on the forehead.
“I haven’t seen you out here in a while,” he mentioned. Jean had always been so blunt when they were younger, but as he grew up he learned to speak with some tact. Armin knew what he was really getting at - he was tentatively trying to figure out if Armin wasn’t feeling quite so depressed.
“I woke up early.”
“Oh yeah? That’s good, right? You didn’t have a nightmare or anything?”
“No, I… I slept well.”
“Good! Good. That’s… that’s great, Armin.”
“You don’t have to act so surprised,” Armin said, smiling at him a little as he sipped his tea. Even though he drank it every day, somehow the taste was nostalgic.
“I’m just happy.”
“Mm. Me too.”
Jean looked at him for a second, and it felt like he was going to say something. Instead, they both looked up at the sky, finding shapes in the clouds. It was such a little joy, one of many he’d failed to hold onto when the cold came.
“How did I ever forget…” he whispered, voice wobbling ever so, hating how easily he succumbed to winter.
“You didn’t forget,” Jean assured him as he slipped his arm around Armin’s shoulders, pulling him a little closer. “It’s not your fault.”
“I almost wish it was my fault,” Armin told him. He’d never even thought that before, but as the words came out he knew they were true.
“Why?”
“Because then I’d be able to fix it. I’d be able to change, and not feel so - so helpless.”
“You say that like I don’t see you fighting it every day. And winning, too.”
“I don’t know about that.”
“You’re still here, aren’t you? For all this?” Jean gestured out to the fields that sprawled out endlessly in front of them. “For these moments?”
“Mm. But it’s not like I could do it on my own.”
“Humans aren’t meant to do things on their own. You’d be surprised by how much I need you, too.”
“I just don’t want to be a burden. I don’t want you to get tired of me being like this. I kept saying to myself that it would happen, that eventually, you’d wonder what you were doing putting up with all this. I kept telling myself you’d leave.”
“I’ve never felt burdened by you. I love you. Idiot,” Jean said. “You absolute idiot. I can’t stand to be away from you when you get up early in the morning. I wouldn’t last a day out there on my own. And I wouldn’t want to, either.”
Armin couldn’t help but laugh a little when Jean said that, warmed as he always was by those words. Knowing that Jean loved him was enough to make him feel like it was summer. He loved him so much it ached, but it was never painful.
“Can I have a kiss?” he murmured shyly, looking up at him.
“I thought you’d never ask,” Jean smiled.
As their lips met for their first kiss that spring, Armin tasted the tea on Jean’s lips and felt the last of winter’s chill leave him. He knew, then, that things were going to be just fine.