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The hand kiss had the crowd in a frenzy. He had probably seen this particular move a hundred times but Hoseok could not help but laugh at Jin’s antics. Sometimes their eldest hyung was worse than the maknae line. His eyes wandered to the twenty foot LED screen beside the stage and Jin’s handsome visage superimposed across it. He really was handsome. The stylist had pulled his hair back into princely sweeps, exposing his forehead, leaving his perfectly symmetrical face to hypnotize an unsuspecting and unprepared world. Hoseok knew, with out a doubt, that “forehead” would be trending on twitter soon. He chuckled quietly.
Apparently, he had also been hypnotized. It was only when Jimin’s hand landed on his shoulder that realized exactly how long he had been staring.
Are you alright, hyung? He could read the question on Jimin’s face, with other idols seated close by, he would not call attention to anything that may be out of place. He smiled reassuringly in response and Jimin examined him for a few seconds longer before turning to face the stage.
He spared a quick glance at Jin, who was now quietly fiddling with the plushie in his lap, ears slightly pink. Hoseok felt his face split into a grin. Even after all this time, and all his crowd pleasing antics, the man was still embarrassed to be the center of attention. It was absolutely adorable.
Putting his strange lapse out of his mind, Hoseok settled in to watch the next performance. Their dongsaengs were up next.
Seokjin got through the last mile of his run through sheer will power. He should be used to exercising after grueling performances, that was the best time after all, but his body still rebelled. Everyone else save Taehyung had finished their sets and sat sprawling around the room, chatting and drinking sports drinks. Just when he felt as though he were about to bust a lung, the distance counter hit 5km and he shut the treadmill down.
Chest heaving, he reached over to the console of the vacant machine beside him for his towel, only to find the spot empty. Confused, he glanced around and quickly located it across the room along with a mischievous maknae.
“Jungkook-ah!”
Seokjin’s half hearted yell startled Hoseok from his phone. He glanced up to see his hyung chasing Jungkook around the room like a zombie that was just getting over rigor mortis. Anyone could see that the man was exhausted, and Jungkook made sure to stay just out of his reach.
“JK!” This after the maknae snapped the towel in front of him with relish, like a matador with a particularly frustrated bull. Giving up, Seokjin hauled his t-shirt over his head to use as a substitute.
Seokjin had never been out of shape, far from it. But a few month’s prior the man had announced that he had planned to work on his body, saying jokingly that he needed to keep up with the maknae’s constant assaults. Well, he was now reaping the fruits of his labor, and everyone took notice. Sounds of shock and amazement rose up around the room.
“Wow, Jin-hyung.” Seeming to materialize out of thin air, Jimin appeared beside him, and immediately proceeded to paw his abs. “You’ve gotten so sexy!”
“Whoa! Sexy body!” Namjoon catcalled from across then room.
“Are you competing with Jungkook?” Yoongi asked, half serious.
“No, no, no, no, no!” Ears rapidly turning red, Seokjin attempted to shield himself with the shirt.
“What do you say, hyung? Do you want to do the ab reveal in the next choreo?” Jungkook grinned and Seokjin glared threateningly at what seemed to be the source of all his troubles tonight. The maknae only grinned wider.
Hoseok had yet to say a word. He swallowed, but his mouth was strangely dry. For the second time that night, he found himself marveling at the eldest hyung’s looks. The man was attractive, extremely attractive. He frowned at the direction his thoughts had taken. What the hell?
“Hyung, what’s wrong?” Hoseok almost dropped his phone. At some point Taehyung has finished his workout and come to sit beside him. Automatically, he grinned, reassuring the younger man that everything was alright, and that he was just tired. The fact that it felt like a half lie did not sit well with Hoseok, not at all.
Three weeks had passed since Hoseok’s “lapse” as he had taken to calling it. He had not attempted to examine what had taken place that night, writing it off as some weird one off event. He literally did not have the time, with back to back performances, practices and interviews, he had almost totally forgotten about it. What took precedent now was preparations for the new album. It was almost time for him to begin recording his parts but he seemed to have developed a rather persistent cough that refused to go away. He was worried that it would affect his delivery and the tone of his raps. The recording would be the official thing, and he would rather die than deliver a substandard product.
At Jimin’s urging he had bought a cough syrup but refused to see a doctor, or rather, he didn’t have the time. Namjoon and Yoongi may have done most of the writing, but this time around he was way more hands on in the actual production. He was also choreographing a lot more. No one wanted to jump the gun and announce it officially, but the staff clearly knew what they were planning.
The hope was that one day, they would produce an album, no, a whole comeback, that was only the members doing. Jin had begun to put his filmmaking degree to use, along with Taehyung and Jungkook. They were as involved with the shooting of the music videos and aesthetics as the actual set designers and camera crews. Jimin was living up to his fairy moniker, popping out of nowhere to provide helpful hints and suggestions to everyone else. All the while trying to keep them from running themselves into the ground as he tended to do to himself. He was indeed a lifesaver.
Hoseok knew that he was pushing himself to the brink, but the end product was well worth it.
And then, he collapsed.
It happened after a particularly strenuous performance of Dionysus. As soon as they made it off stage, he had succumbed to a bout of coughing that had seemed to come from nowhere. He had felt the tightness in his chest during the performance but had pushed through it, like always. But now it was back to take its revenge. He wasn’t sure just when he had hit the ground, only that he was suddenly looking at the ceiling while the members surrounded him. Confusion reigned, the faces looking down at him were familiar but their voices were completely unintelligible. All the while, his chest and throat burned as though some clawed beast were attempting to remove his lungs through his mouth. He became aware of two things before everything went dark:
- He wasn’t getting enough air.
- Jimin had been right.
Being confined to the dorms was driving him crazy. He had tried to do some writing, and even some light production on his laptop but there was only so much one could do while trapped in bed. As it turned out, what Hoseok had thought was only a light cold had been influenza. Being the stubborn bastard that he was, he had simply worked through it, chalking the joint pains up to dancing and flat out ignoring the fever. The members had been concerned but as busy as they were no one had caught on before it was too late.
Apparently, his collapse and subsequent hospital visit had saved him from developing full on pneumonia. After being kept under watch for 24 hours, he had finally been released with a shopping list of drugs and strict orders to remain in bed.
The members and staff had been so terrified that keeping Hoseok in bed had become a new religion and they were fanatical converts. It was true that he had been scared himself, but he was mostly guilty for the worry that he had caused everyone and Army. As soon as he had been able to talk without being interrupted by a fit of coughs, he had tweeted out a video apologizing for worrying Army and assuring them that he was just fine. He’d even put on a little makeup because according to Yoongi, he “looked like shit.”
After two and half days however, it had gotten very old, very quickly. One small meeting later Jimin had taken over running the members through the new choreos. The recording schedule had also been adjusted so that his and Seokjin’s parts would be recorded last. It was a risky move, one that put additional pressure on the members and the sound engineers. Seokjin’s parts had been pushed back so that he could baby sit Hoseok. It was something that he both appreciated and resented. A part of him fumed. He was a grown man; he didn’t need a babysitter. But he knew that given the opportunity, he would be out of bed in an instant. This was their method of protecting him from himself.
It was either this or an actual nurse. And that would be going too far.
As the smell of cooking stew reached his nose, Hoseok sighed. Seokjin was once again cooking something he liked, it felt like some sort of consolation prize. I know you can’t do your favorite things, so here are your favorite foods.
His face split into an unconscious smile as he thought back to earlier in the day. Seeing that his mind was tearing itself apart with being unable to work, Seokjin had presented himself like a lamb to the slaughter. He’d allowed Hoseok downstairs into the living room, where all the furniture had been pushed aside save one chair.
When Hoseok looked at him questioningly, he had explained that of all the members, he knew he needed the most help with dancing. Since they were both home, Hoseok could help him. He could master the moves here and be better able to keep up once they were together again. It made sense, even with only Seokjin before him, he could easily picture the positions of the other members. Satisfied, he proceeded to work his hyung into the ground.
Seokjin never complained, he took both criticisms and praise with a stoic determination, sprinkled with some faux whining. Whenever Hoseok pointed out the correct way to execute a move, his response was always the same. “Ok Hoba, I’m going to try.” Hoseok always laughed when he said that. Seokjin was composed of 80 percent quiet determination, 15 percent handsome and 5 percent dad jokes. When he said “try” what he really meant was “Ok, I won’t stop until I get it.” And he never did. He really was an admirable hyung.
He was startled when Seokjin yelled that dinner was ready and he should go was wash up. In the bathroom, he found that a warm bath had already been run and was waiting for him. Hoseok shook his head.
Jin-hyung would really make a great wife.
He chortled to himself. If he ever said that out loud he might find himself with a concussion to match his influenza.
Under Seokjin’s diligent care, Hoseok was back on form in no time, though the members and staff still watched him like a hawk. Especially Jimin, who felt as though he should have picked up on Hoseok’s condition earlier.
The members and sound engineers had outdone themselves. His and Seokjin’s recordings fit into place like the final pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, only minor fine tuning was required. Everything was perfect, or it should have been.
The only problem was the way his face would heat when Seokjin came too close, or the slight nausea he suddenly developed when ever he was alone with the man. Like his influenza that had been left too long untreated, this thing now grabbed him by the throat and demanded he paid attention. He knew exactly what it was, but he refused to name it. Like a child with a monster under his bed he refused to acknowledge, as though it would become more real, or gain power over him.
What the hell was this?
Seven years. Seven years he had lived with the man and it was now that this thing chose to come out of the wood work? Maybe he was just hard up, it had been a while, after all. Unwillingly, his eyes found Seokjin as the man lip-synced into an army bomb while Yoongi fixed his in-ear.
It was not like the members didn’t know he was bisexual, they had never had an issue with it before. Granted, they had never been the target of his less than brotherly affections and he had also never brought a partner home. He had yet to find someone he had trusted enough to officially introduce to his brothers...
If there was one thing he could do, it was compartmentalize. And as their performance drew closer he did just that. He couldn’t afford to ruin this, all that they had worked for. He was too important. They were too important. Too important to risk on a fleeting crush.
As weeks threatened to turn into months, and his nerves and self control began to deteriorate in equal measure, Hoseok realized that just like with his flu, he had made a gross miscalculation. His feeling were neither faint nor fleeting. And they showed no signs of letting up soon. He had seriously considered dating again, but quickly discarded the idea. Between touring, performances and other schedules, how would he find time to date much less do a relationship any justice. He was just so busy.
What he did find time to do though, was watch Seokjin. His eyes unerringly found the man whenever they were in the same room.
What the hell was he going to do?
Kim Seokjin was as straight as an arrow. It made no sense that he confessed because the man simply would not feel the same way. The only end result would be a possibly ruined friendship and a very damaged group dynamic. Neither result was an option. He needed to find a way to get over this. By himself.
A way, it seemed, that was not inclined to present itself. Hoseok had unconsciously taken to avoiding being alone with Seokjin then graduated to avoiding the man himself entirely. It was not easy, they lived together after all. But somehow, he managed. To him, it was infinitely better than the other options.
These included staring at the him in smitten adoration whenever he did something cute, or, going out of his way to please him just to see him smile. The final straw had been having to excuse himself after he had become hard from seeing Seokjin’s bathrobe slip open to reveal his muscular thigh, knowing that only a few inches northward, the man wore no underwear.
It was ridiculous, like being a horny, dumb teenager all over again. He was twenty-six years old. He needed to get control of himself before he caused trouble for the group and ruined a good friendship.
Inevitably, the members took note of his changed demeanor. He was more subdued when the eldest member was present, and after a while it became clear that he only spoke to the man whenever absolutely necessary. Seokjin noticed as well, and scoured his memory for what he had done to make Hoseok angry with him. Hoseok never stayed angry with anyone, much less for this long. But he couldn’t, for the life of him, identify just what he had done wrong.
What was going on?
“Hyung.”
Hoseok looked up to see Jimin in the doorway of the dance studio. His face was serious in a way that Jimin rarely was unless he was performing or in the middle of practice. He put his phone aside.
“What’s up?” The other members had yet to arrive, they were alone.
Jimin cut right to the chase. “What’s going on between you and Jin-hyung?”
Hoseok eyes widened then narrowed suspiciously; Jimin watched his face intently, silently. “Nothing. Why do you ask?” He tried to make the question sound nonchalant but the attempt sounded fake even to his own ears. Jimin, for his part, gave nothing away.
“Hyung, we’re not stupid. We know something is up.” Hoseok winced. He had hoped that by the time members realized something was off, he would have gotten over this crush and been able to move on. He should have known. They had lived together too long.
“Jin-hyung asked me to help him with the choreo after practice all of last week.” Hoseok felt a small blade slide between his ribs and straight into his heart. He was the one who was supposed to be helping Jin. He was the dance leader, if anyone needed help they came to him. He tried and failed to convince himself that the disappointment he felt was only because he had failed to make himself available to carry out his duties and not because it was Seokjin they were talking about.
None of this showed on his face however, or at least he hoped it didn’t, because Jimin was still watching him intently.
“I asked him why he didn’t go to you, hyung,” Jimin continued, a slightly angry bite to his words. “He said it was because you were avoiding him. He said he wasn’t sure what he had done to make you mad but he didn’t want to make you angrier.”
Hoseok felt as though Jimin’s every word was sliding the knife a little deeper between his ribs. It began to twist when he added: “I asked him why he didn’t come to talk to you about it; and he said he was waiting for this round of performances to end. He didn’t want there to be a fight between you two and have it affect our stage. Army would notice, they see everything.”
The room went silent. Seokjin had thought that Hoseok’s behavior was somehow his fault. And yet he suffered in silence for the sake of the team. That was what Hoseok had thought he had been doing, he almost laughed at the irony. Uncertain of the expression on his face, he looked down at the floor.
He must have given away something, because Jimin’s words were soft, empty of his earlier irritation when he said, “Hyung, I don’t know what is going on but you need to talk it over.” Warm hands landed on his shoulders. “Whatever it is, you need to trust in Jin-hyung’s and your friendship, ok?”
He nodded, so filled with turbulent emotions that he didn’t trust himself to speak. Jimin hugged him, and that was when he felt a single tear slide down his cheek. Again, Jimin was right. He needed to trust in their friendship. True, the man may not return his feelings but he wouldn’t abandon him either. Fear had caused him to hurt a close friend and neglect his duties. He may have a broken heart afterward but this ended today.
Seokjin blinked when he found himself parked in front of the house he had grown up in. He had made the drive from Seoul completely on automatic, his mind filled with the events that had taken place the day before.
Hoseok had confessed that he had feelings for him. Non platonic feelings, of the romantic kind. When he had asked him to stay after practice this had definitely not been what he expected. He had known something was wrong. Hoseok had been actively avoiding him for weeks now, and he’d had no idea what he had done to the man. Nothing could have prepared him for this.
Hoseok had knelt in the middle of the practice room, knelt, and apologized for making him think that he had done something wrong. Then he had proceeded to explain to a slack jawed Seokjin that some months before he had developed romantic feelings for him and not wanting to burden him, (yes, he had used the word burden) he’d kept it to himself. He had known that there was no way Seokjin would return his feelings and this whole mess had grown from Hoseok trying to gain space and time to get over it while still being an idol and living full time with the object of his one sided affection.
What a mess.
Through it all, Seokjin’s heart ached for Hoseok. It was true that he did not return his feelings; but he could only imagine how hard it had been caring for someone who did not feel the same way, much less having to live and work with that person.
Maybe it had been a good thing that his father had fallen ill. He cringed and quietly prayed for forgiveness the moment he had completed the thought. His father had fallen suddenly ill, and his mother had demanded that all her children come home to visit him. It must have been bad, or his mother would have never made such a request. The old man himself had never said a word, too proud to admit that something was wrong. He would probably growl at them all and ask if they had assembled for his death.
The point was, maybe having him out of the dorm for a while would be good for Hoseok. He could never forget the look on the man’s face when Seokjin had remained silent, quite literally dumbfounded after his confession. When a minute of silence had passed, the man excused himself before Seokjin could gather his wits to come up with a response. He had not returned to the dorm that night, or at least not while Seokjin was awake. He had stayed up waiting.
The next morning, there had been no response when he knocked on the man’s door. He had kept at it for ten minutes before finally giving up, promising that they would talk once he returned. And here he was, staring at his childhood home with literally no idea what he would have said had Hoseok opened the door.
His own front door opened, his mother having seen him pull into the driveway behind his brother’s car. She looked just like he remembered from several months before, when she had flown to see them perform in Paris. With a heavy exhale, he exited the car.
Hoseok did not seem inclined to discuss what had transpired prior to his departure. He had spent three days with his family before his father had all but chased them from the house. Upon his return to the dorm, Hoseok had pretended as though all was well and their conversation had never taken place. Seokjin had stopped trying to talk to him about it. He hated to see the way the corners of his lips turned down and how his body tensed whenever he brought it up. He no longer avoided him however, and for that, he was grateful.
The members never asked what happened, and Seokjin felt that Jimin had something to do with it. Sometimes, he would catch him watching them with the most sad look on his face. He was glad that he didn’t have to explain it though; he didn’t want to lie to them, but what had happened between Hoseok and himself felt too delicate to share, especially without the other man’s permission.
Days turned to weeks and months, and slowly, their dynamic returned to normal. It was slow going; sometimes he would see Hoseok catch himself after he had been about to touch him, or subtly move away whenever he got too close. For his part, Seokjin took note of these things and tried never to make him uncomfortable.
He missed it though, the skinship. The small unconscious physical interactions that came with being with someone you trusted and cared for. It was true that apart from the occasional wrestling here and there, mostly with Jungkook, he was not one of the more physical members. But there had always been a certain amount of skinship he shared with each of them. Something he had taken for granted. Now that it was gone, even with a single member, its absence stung.
It didn’t matter though, because as time had passed, the light slowly returned to Hoseok’s eyes. His jovial shenanigans had begun to seem less forced and more natural. The sun was out again and Seokjin was glad. He was so very tired of the darkness; it was cold, and lonely.
When Hoseok had began to touch him again, of his own volition, it was all he could do to keep from hugging him. They were small things, a fleeting pressure on his arm to correct his positioning during practice, a small squeeze on his shoulder for reassurance when he was nervous before a performance. The heat from his skin was like small injections of happiness, assurances that what was once broken, was not destroyed.
There would be a happy ending, unless he found a way to ruin it.
He was on his way back from the pharmacy when he saw them, sitting at a small café. It was in one of the quieter neighborhoods, not a lot of foot traffic. He liked it that way, there was less chance of being mobbed even if he was recognized. Stopping at a red light, he glanced idly to his left and froze. Hoseok was sitting at a table inside the café with a girl. Or he should say, woman.
As he watched, she used her right hand to cover her mouth when she laughed at something Hoseok said, before looking demurely at the table before her. The fingers of her left hand intertwined with Hoseok’s.
She’s not right for you.
Seokjin’s head snapped forward, at that very moment the light changed to green. He drove, a little more quickly than required back to the dorm, hoping maybe his thoughts would be left behind at that stoplight. No such luck.
He paced back and forth in his bedroom, car keys still clutched in his right hand. His eyes restlessly flicked around the room and came to rest on a clock. By some miracle they had the weekend off. It was almost noon on a Friday afternoon, if he left now, he could make it to his parents’ house by lunch time.
Barely stopping to grab a change of clothes and explain to Yoongi where he was headed, Seokjin left the dorm. Maybe the drive was what he needed to clear his head.
No answers presented themselves on the road to his parents’ house. His mind devoured itself with the same ravenous hunger that his tires devoured the asphalt. What gave him the right to decide who was best for Hoseok and who wasn’t? The fact that the man had at some point, developed a more than platonic affection for him did not suddenly give him jurisdiction over his romantic interests. Had he always been this selfish? Would he rather Hoseok remain alone and pining over him than move on and be happy?
Questions like these, seemingly endless and unanswerable, bombarded him all the way to Gwacheon. He was parked in the driveway far too quickly. His mother was more than a little surprised to see him again so soon. Though Seoul was only fifteen minutes away, his busy schedule meant that she usually only saw her son in the flesh maybe four times a year. It was a little sad, but she was proud of him and the difference he was making in the world.
It was obvious that something was wrong, she watched him silently as he entered the house. He was way too lost in his own thoughts. She didn’t press him though, settling instead to have him help her prepare lunch. He would talk when he was ready.
Seokjin was watching him again. Or at least his eyes were tracking his movements. One look at his face made it clear that his thoughts were miles away, a slight crinkle in his brow. Hoseok had no clue what had brought about this turn of events. Over that past few months he had began to notice the way the man’s eyes would follow him, always with that same troubled expression. It was a strange mirror of the way he had been before, except Seokjin never looked away when Hoseok caught him staring. In fact, most of the time he seemed totally unaware that the other man had noticed his scrutiny. His mind was clearly somewhere else.
Hoseok had seriously considered asking him what was wrong, but frankly, he was just beginning to break even, to feel like himself again. The blade in his chest was not gone, just dulled from scraping at his ribs for so long. He still felt the occasional stabs but the pain was no longer so sharp.
This entire situation seemed like a landmine laid just for him, and he was damned if he was about to step on it.
Seokjin sat around his desk playing Maplestory. If he were to be honest, his heart really wasn’t in it. Hoseok was out on a date again. And why did that bother him? Over the last few months he had become increasingly sure that he was not as good a person, as good a friend, as he thought he was. At least when it came to Hoseok.
The man was moving on, blooming, thriving. And for some reason, that bothered him.
No, he was not that shitty a human being. It was not the fact that Hoseok was happy that bothered him. It was the fact that he was happy with her.
Which makes so much more sense.
He sighed, feeling for the ten thousandth time like he wanted to pull out his hair. The sound of feet on the stairs pulled him out of his downward spiral. A quick glance at the door showed that it had once again failed to close behind him. He had been meaning to ask Yoongi to look at that lock forever, but it was not as though they actually locked their doors…
“Hoba! What are you doing home so early? I thought you were on a date.” Seokjin froze at the sound of Namjoon’s voice. He tried to tell himself that his sudden interest in the exchange it had nothing to do with the fact that the main focus of his thoughts was being mentioned.
“Yeah, well it didn’t exactly turn out well.” Hoseok’s muttered response had Seokjin giving the conversation his undivided attention. On screen, his character was in a bad way, but right now, he didn’t really care.
“Oh…. Wanna talk about it?” Namjoon’s voice made it clear that he did not feel equipped to deal with this, but as Hoseok was his friend, he would try.
“Nothing to talk about.” There a pause, in which Seokjin’s character died and he didn’t even blink. “I broke up with her. It wasn’t…. I…. She wasn’t the right one, you know?”
Unbidden the thought rose up, Yes, I know.
“Yeah, I know.” Namjoon most certainly did not know. He understood, on an intellectual level, but he didn’t really know. “Do you want to go grab a drink? It makes no sense you sit here and be miserable.”
Hoseok hesitated, but after a bit more encouragement from Namjoon, he caved. Seokjin sat quietly and listened to their footsteps get further and further away.
Inside, he felt sick to his stomach.
Seeing her son for the third time in so many months had Mrs. Kim worried. Extremely worried. Something was most definitely amiss. The fact that it was 10:00 pm on a Tuesday night did not help matters. She was in the kitchen, preparing to make kimchi when she looked up to find him in the doorway. He looked so lost. Without a word, she pointed to the spare apron that hung on the pantry door. When he came to stand beside her, she handed him pair of gloves and they got to work.
Seokjin knew, somehow, that his mother would never ask him what was wrong. She just waited, silently available until he was ready.
The relief he had felt when he pulled into the driveway find his father’s car missing and the kitchen light on was palpable. He must have been off on a business trip somewhere. After the visit of his children, the man had recovered at an exponential rate. To anyone who didn’t know him, it would seem that the love and concern he had received rejuvenated him. Seokjin knew better. It was sheer spite; he would never die unless it was on his own terms. He was that stubborn.
It was better this way.
Their relationship was not the talking kind. There was a mutual respect and love, but they had never really been close. With his mother, it was a different story.
An hour had passed before he finally succumbed to the pressure inside his head. His mother never faltered in her actions nor interrupted while he poured his heart out. He told her of how he had been confessed to by a long time friend whom he had never considered romantically, how it had hurt their friendship and how that person seemed to be moving on. His voice went low as he told her of how he’d felt when he’d found out that person was dating, and how ashamed he was of the relief he had experienced when the relationship ended.
“…… I don’t understand. Its not like… Like..”
“Like you want him for yourself?” Seokjin froze dead in his tracks. He had been careful not to reveal the gender of his “friend.” In hindsight, that may have been a mistake. His mother may have been pretty, beautiful even, but she was far from stupid. If she was, his father would never have married her. If she was, he wouldn’t have come for her advice. She’d probably already figured out that it was one of his members.
Mrs. Kim lifted one of the sealed containers of kimchi, and quietly left the kitchen to go store it in the cellar. Seokjin should have been the one doing that, but he was still too stunned to move. His family was…. Traditional to say the least, and she was being way too calm about this. By the time she had returned he had just finished sealing the last container.
In a fluid motion that belied her age, she lifted another container and turned toward the cellar door. Silently, he hefted his own and followed.
Could he really want Hoseok for himself? How could that be? He wasn’t into men…. He paused to consider it again before continuing down the stairs. No, he was definitely not into men. But this was Hoseok, some part of him insisted. He wasn’t just a man. He’d known him for years, lived with him forever. He loved him like a brother…
He loved all his members, that was true, but not in the same way. If he was to be completely honest, what he felt for Hoseok was slowly beginning to morph into something else. He wasn’t sure exactly when the change had begun, but it had become undeniable since that day he’d seen Hoseok at the café.
He had known it the entire time. Known, that Hoseok’s smile had become a very necessary part of his day. Known, that he absolutely adored the way he seemed to laugh with his whole body, as though his entire being was committed to the act of expressing joy; that Hoseok was never more powerful, more alluring than when he was on stage. He needed them in his life, those little things, those big things. He had never felt their absence more acutely than during that lonely time.
So fixated he was on the fact that he was straight, that he had been traditionally attracted to women, that he had refused to entertain the possibility that maybe, just maybe, what he felt did not have a sexual preference.
Seokjin had delivered the last container to the cellar five minutes ago and now stood staring listlessly through the kitchen window. His mother stood at the sink, washing up all they had used. She did not turn to acknowledge him, even though she knew he was there.
“So?” His eyes snapped to her back. She still did not turn around.
So? He swallowed nervously.
“I have….. Feelings for my friend.” It was both nerve wracking and cathartic to finally say it out loud.
His mother made a polite “Ehmm Hmmm” sound in her throat that sounded suspiciously like, No shit, Sherlock.
“You knew that before you came here.”
Truth. Seokjin couldn’t deny it.
Wiping her hands, she turned to face him. “What now?”
Seokjin inched the car forward all of half a foot. Though he had left Gwacheon before sunrise, traffic had turned his fifteen minute drive back to Seoul into a two hour oddessy. His eyes flicked to the clock on the dash. Its was already 7:15, he needed to get to the office for an 8:00 am meeting. Just because he’d had an epiphany did not mean that the world stopped turning. He still had deadlines to meet and work to do.
So, he had feelings for Hoseok.
It felt as though his world had shifted on its axis, though in reality, nothing had changed. It wasn’t as if he could walk up to the man and say, Hey, I changed my mind. He wasn’t even sure if Hoseok still had feelings for him. For all intents and purposes, it seemed as if the man had really moved on. And if he did still care for him in that way, what then? Seokjin hand no experience with men, he hadn’t the first clue on what to do. Was he really willing to do this? To be with a man?
Unbidden, a memory of Hoseok pursing his lips and proceeding to imitate a sunfish they had seen on television rose to the surface. He smiled. No, Hoseok was not just a man. He was a long time friend whom he loved like a brother, and possibly, lately, something more. He was also too important to fuck this up.
Anyway, he consoled himself, all of this meant nothing if Hoseok doesn’t feel that way anymore.
That was right. If Hoseok no longer cared, then Seokjin would not bother him with this. After everything that had happened he owed him that much.
When the song finished Hoseok called for a five minute break. The members immediately collapsed on the practice room floor in varying states of exhaustion. It was almost 1:00 am, but since it was comeback season, practices that ran this late were a common occurrence.
Seokjin all but fell onto the other end of the sofa on which he sat. He threw his head back, sucking in huge gulps of air, his oversized t-shirt stuck to his slick, sweaty form, highlighting every dip and ridge. Hoseok’s mind systematically filed this information away and neatly moved on to the matter at hand.
The eldest hyung’s dancing had improved exponentially. Some of his moves were still not as crisp as Hoseok would have liked but he got better with every session. Seokjin was often the first in the practice room and the last to leave, all of his hard work was paying off. His quiet dedication had not gone unnoticed. Following his example, the members resolved to using their free time to work on their own rough spots. Or in some cases, polish an already honed skill to mirror shine.
Hoseok grinned. This comeback was going to be spectacular.
He let their five minute break turn to fifteen before calling for another session. He was about to get up when he realized that Seokjin was fast asleep. His head rested on the back of the sofa, pink lips slightly parted. Soft, almost none existent snores left him. Even in sleep the man was handsome. You really can’t catch him slipping.
“Leave him,” Jimin suggested, with a fond smile. “We all know he’s been over doing it lately.”
Hoseok nodded assent, he couldn’t argue there.
“You too.” His eyes widened in surprise at Yoongi’s words. “I know you’ve been burning the candle at both ends between the production and helping Jin-hyung practice. You should take a break too.”
“Guys-,”
“Hyung,” Taehyung stared at him imploringly. “You should take a break.”
“At least sit down a little, hyung,” Jimin placed both hands on his shoulders to keep him from getting up.
“You can see us from there, Hoba,” Namjoon continued. “If anything is amiss just say something.”
Hoseok looked around at his members before grudgingly agreeing. He had the sneaking suspicion that if he had tried to resist Yoongi and Namjoon would have teamed up to pull rank on him. As it turned out there was hardly anything to correct. He found himself simply sitting back to watch his members, being lulled by the familiar sounds of music and feet on the dancefloor.
His members were gone. He didn’t even have to open his eyes to know. The room was silent, save for the woosh of the air conditioning and Seokjin’s quiet snores. He must have fallen asleep at some point, and they had snuck away without waking him. The rascals.
He opened his eyes. At some point he had come to lean against Seokjin shoulder; there was a blanket thrown across them. This had Jimin written all over it. Hoseok sat up with a groan, as wide as his hyung’s shoulders were, they were still not a pillow. He could feel the beginnings of a pain in his neck.
The man’s shirt clung to his face for moment when he moved to sit up. Had he been drooling? He knew, with a sudden clarity, that there was picture of him drooling on Seokjin’s shoulder somewhere out there on one of the maknae line’s phones. He sighed.
If the clock on the wall was correct, it was just after 4:00 am. Their schedules began at 10:00 am, so if they left now, they could get in a few hours sleep. He turned to shake him awake and paused. The rusty blade skipped across his ribcage. Seokjin was heartbreaking to look at, all creamy skin and perfectly sculpted angles. His soft pink lips pouted like a rose bud in spring; and Hoseok knew exactly how they would taste: like his hyung’s favored brand of strawberry chap stick. He knew that he shouldn’t be allowing himself have these thoughts, but he couldn’t help it. He felt his tongue slip out to slide over his own lips.
Tearing his eyes away he looked up to find Kim Seokjin staring back at him. He was awake. Fuck.
Before he could react the man sat up, and then kept coming. Leaning forward, Seokjin stopped only a few inches from Hoseok’s face. He could feel his every breath on his skin. For some reason, his body was not responding, though his mind screeched at him to get away.
“Hoba….” Softly. Hoseok’s heart hammered in his chest.
“Yes, hyung?” Was that his voice? How come he could speak, yet not move? What was Seokjin doing? Nothing made sense. For a moment, he felt trapped in his own body, his reality inverted like some strange dreamscape.
“Can I?” Seokjin eyes flicked down to his lips. He swallowed. What was going on? Had Seokjin caught him looking and decided to play some strange prank? It was cruel, too cruel. He knew how Hoseok felt about him, his hyung would never be so callus. Then what was this? An experiment? Was he curious as to whether or not he could actually stomach being intimate with a man?
Hoseok couldn’t deny that the thought hurt, though it made a strange sort of sense. Hoseok was likely the only uncloseted person Seokjin knew. He also knew that he was attracted to him. If this was an experiment, he was statistically the safest person to do it with.
He should just say no, he really should but…. When would an opportunity like this present itself again? He knew that he had never really gotten over him, that he had spent more time than was healthy fantasizing about those very lips. So what if it was an experiment? At least he would finally know what it was like. At least he would know…
“Yes.”
Seokjin wasted no time, he leaned forward and gently captured Hoseok’s lips. He had wanted to do this for so long. After four months he had given up on the thought of pursuing him. In all that time, he had never seen anything that would even suggest that Hoseok still had feelings for him. Trying (and failing) to put the whole thing out of his mind, he had thrown himself into his work.
It had not been easy. For the first time in his adult life he had learned the true meaning of the word heartache. If this was what Hoseok has felt the whole time he could not imagine how the man had survived. Waking up to see him looking at him like he wanted to devour him had been like manna from heaven.
The kiss was slow, contemplative, exploratory; filled with Seokjin’s soft strawberry flavored lips and the occasional hints of tongue. Hoseok struggled to keep himself in check when all he wanted to do was devour the man. It wouldn’t do to scare him off now, this was likely his first experience with another man and he did not want it to be defined by his greed.
Seokjin on the other hand felt the complete opposite. He wanted Hoseok to lose control, he wanted to know that he still wanted him, that there was a chance. It may have been his ego talking, but he needed Hoseok to yearn for him in the same way. He had never hated the man’s rigid self discipline more.
Hoseok was taken by surprise when he felt Seokjin's arm wrap around his waist and found himself on his back. He didn’t really bottom, it wasn’t his thing. But he wouldn’t make an issue of it now, it was not as though they would ever get there. His thoughts ground to a halt when the man’s tongue invaded his mouth. He seemed determined to taste every inch of him.
He finally lost control when a hand slipped under his shirt to run over his abs. Hoseok’s own hands came up to fist Seokjin’s hair; his legs locked around his waist automatically. He was getting hard, and he knew Seokjin would feel it but right now he didn’t care. He would take as much as he could get and deal with the fall out later.
When Seokjin came up for air, pupils dilated and his breaths ragged, Hoseok immediately attacked his jawline, working his way methodically down to the pulse at the base of his neck. He growled at the high pitched, almost whiny sound his hyung made when he tilted his head to grant him better access. He had just reversed their positions when the sound of keys in the door had them springing apart.
The janitor pushed the cart into the room first, then froze when she saw them sitting on opposite ends of the couch, red faced and breathing hard.
“I’m sorry! I thought you had finished with the room by now.”
Hoseok opened his mouth, but no sound emerged. He brain was still scrambled. He could still feel the phantom tingles Seokjin’s lips on his and his hand on his chest.
“That’s alright, Ahjuma.” Somehow Seokjin had a genial smile in place. His hair was a little tousled, his lips somewhat swollen, but for the most part he looked like a hard working young man who had just finished an intense dance practice. Only the growing red mark on his neck ruined the image.
“We were just about to leave anyway.” Following his hyung’s example, he quickly rose to his feet. Gathering his few belongs, he exchanged a few quick words with the friendly woman before excusing himself. They made it all the way to the underground parking garage without exchanging a word or glance.
Hoseok didn’t say anything when Seokjin strapped himself into the passenger seat of his car. They had to be back in a few hours, taking separate cars would be wasteful, no matter how much he wanted to be alone with his thoughts right now. He schooled his features.
The streets were empty at this time of the morning, they would be back at the dorms in no time. In the harsh light of the myriad of glowing signs, reality had never seemed so stark. The events of that empty practice room seemed distant and hazy, ready to evaporate like a pipedream. In the here and now, the experiment was over, and he had his results. He finally knew what it was like… Oh, how he wished he didn’t, the discovery only filled him with longing.
He resisted the urge to drum his fingers impatiently against the wheel when they stopped at a red light. He wanted to be home and away from his hyung for a while. Though only a few feet would separate them, it was better than being locked in a car with him.
His heart nearly leapt out of his chest when he felt the man’s warm hand cover his own on the gear shift. His head snapped to him so quickly his neck made an audible crick.
“Hoba.” Softly again, that sound would haunt him for the rest of his days. He felt fingers slip between his own. Hesitantly, “If you still want to, I want to try.”
It wasn’t a dramatic declaration of love, Hoseok’s ears did not ring with the sound of wedding bells. It was a simple and straightforward. I want to try.
This from the man who never tried anything. Whatever he did, he committed to with his whole being. Coming from Seokjin, those four words held a weight that ‘I love you’ never could. There was no false promise that it would be easy, that everything would work out. Just a quiet assurance than he would do everything humanly possible to make it work. To make them work.
The light turned green and Hoseok spun the wheel to make the right turn.
“Ok, hyung.”