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“Hey, Reiji?” Ranmaru asked softly, breaking the slightly uncomfortable silence between them. Reiji didn’t seem to notice, too focused on staring through the long forgotten movie they were watching. He’d been like this for the past few days. His usual bubbly demeanor was gone, and he was constantly drifting off into his thoughts, like he was in a depressive haze. Just like he was every year around this time.
Ranmaru sighed, and leaned toward his boyfriend, gently sliding his hand up Reiji’s arm to rest on his shoulder. At the sudden contact, Reiji jolted out of his daze and snapped his head towards Ranmaru, looking nearly surprised to see him sitting there.
“Sorry, Ranmaru, did you say something?” Reiji asked, slowly grounding himself back in the present moment. Ranmaru squeezed Reiji’s shoulder gently, hoping to come off as comforting.
“I hope I’m not overstepping here, but you got anything you wanna talk about?” Ranmaru asked, sliding his hand downward to Reiji’s back and rubbing slow circles there. He tried to lock eyes with Reiji, to see if he could read what was going through his mind, but Reiji refused to meet his eyes, suddenly very interested in a loose thread in his sweater.
Reiji didn’t answer, continuing to toy with the thread.
“It’s just...this happens every year around this time. You get a little...distant.”
Reiji’s muscles tensed under his hand, and Ranmaru could tell he was on the right track.
“You don’t gotta tell me if you don’t wanna, but I was wonderin’ if this might be about...Aine?” Ranmaru said the name softly, but the two syllables fell on the room like a bomb.
At the mention of that name, Reiji’s eyes finally looked up to meet Ranmaru’s. His normally sparkling brown eyes were full of a dizzying mixture of emotions. Anger, regret, caution, and, overwhelmingly, sorrow. Before Ranmaru could say anything else, tears began to form in those complex brown eyes. Reiji collapsed into his arms, sobbing into his chest while he gripped Ranmaru’s T-shirt like a lifeline. Ranmaru was frozen in surprise for a moment, but instinctively wrapped his arms around Reiji, palms rubbing soothing circles on his back. Reiji’s sobs wracked Ranmaru’s body and his wails broke his heart, but Ranmaru didn’t try to stop him. He didn’t try to wipe Reiji’s tears or whisper empty words like “it’s okay” or “everything will be alright”, because the fact was, it’d been over ten years and time still hadn’t healed Reiji’s heart. He would likely never completely recover from Aine’s tragic death, and that was something Reiji, and Ranmaru as his new lover, had to live with. These were emotions that Reiji had been bottling up for years, and Ranmaru figured the best way to help him was to give him the opportunity to get them out.
They sat there for what could have been minutes or hours, Ranmaru was too focused on comforting Reiji to notice the passage of time. Slowly but surely, Reiji’s sobs quieted and he lifted his head from Ranmaru’s chest taking several deep, slow breaths.
“I’m sorry.” Reiji croaked, his voice hoarse from crying. “I don’t mean to be distant. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
Ranmaru shook his head, this wasn’t why he wanted to bring this up.
Before he could protest, Reiji continued. “You’re right, though. This is...about Aine.” Reiji gave himself a moment to breathe before looking Ranmaru in the eyes again. They were red and puffy now, but held a new determination. “It was around this time in February that he last called me and then...disappeared.” Reiji looked at Ranmaru expectantly, signaling that he’d finished what he had to say for now.
“Thank you for sharing this with me, Reiji.” Ranmaru made sure to let him know that before anything else. The topic of Aine was something that was deeply personal and private to Reiji. Ranmaru didn’t even know about Reiji’s late lover until around half a year into their relationship, when things started to get pretty serious between them. Ranmaru tried not to pry, figuring that if Reiji wanted to talk about it with him, he’d bring it up on his own. But seeing him so forlorn made Ranmaru’s heart ache, and he couldn’t sit by and watch Reiji go through this alone anymore.
“I didn’t bring this up ‘cause I’m unhappy or anything like that. I just hate seeing you so sad, ‘specially when I know there’s not much I can do to help.” Ranmaru placed a hand lightly on Reiji’s cheek, calloused thumb caressing the tear stained skin. “If there’s anything I can do, or anything you wanna do for him together, just say the word.”
Reiji’s eyes were still locked with his and the brunette gave him a sad, but sweet smile. “Thank you, Ranmaru. It really means a lot to me that you’re so willing, eager even, to help me through this.” Reiji brought up his hand to rest over Ranmaru’s on his cheek and gave it a light squeeze. “I’ll be honest, I’ve never really done anything for him on this anniversary. It’s not like his birthday or our anniversary where I can try to remember when we were happy together. This is just… empty. It only makes me aware of the hole he left in my life.” Reiji looked guilty as the words left his mouth, gaze drifting back downward away from Ranmaru’s. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to say that you don’t help fill that void-- no that’s not what I mean either, that just makes you sound like a replacement which isn’t--” Reiji was struggling to voice his feelings.
“It’s okay, Reiji. I understand.” Ranmaru didn’t want to cut him off, but he could tell Reiji was starting to spiral. “I know I could never replace Aine, that I can never perfectly fill the role he played in your life and I won’t try to.” Ranmaru gently lifted Reiji’s chin so their eyes would meet again. “I know he’ll always have a place in your heart, that you’ll always love him, but I also know that doesn’t mean you love me any less. So, try not to feel so guilty, okay?”
Reiji nodded, tears threatening to spill out of his eyes again.
Ranmaru leaned forward and gently kissed the top of Reiji’s head. Reiji let out a soft sigh and relaxed into Ranmaru’s arms, bringing his head down to lean on his shoulder.
“You really do understand, huh? Certainly said it a lot better than I could,” Reiji said with a hollow laugh.
“Hey, sometimes even I can be eloquent.” Ranmaru chuckled, his fingers gently toying with Reiji’s hair. “I meant what I said, though. About doing whatever I can to help you through this. If you wanna, we can visit his grave together, or somethin’ like that?” Ranmaru suggested.
Reiji furrowed his brow, thinking on the idea. “I’ve tried visiting his grave before, back when they made him one a few years ago. It might sound weird and morbid, but they never found his body, so it’s not like a piece of him really exists there. Just his name on a stone.” Reiji scowled at the thought.
“No, that makes sense,” Ranmaru reassured him. “Is there a place where you do feel a connection with him?”
“The ocean,” Reiji said without hesitation. That made sense to Ranmaru. Reiji so often flip-flopped between avoiding the beach like the plague and sitting on the shore for hours at a time.
“You’ve got some more time off tomorrow, right? Do you wanna go there together?” Ranmaru suddenly realized his show of support might sound like he was trying to force his way into Reiji’s private time and quickly added, “If you want me there, that is. If not, I can stay behind. Whichever you prefer.”
“No, no, I’d like you to be there, if you don’t mind?” Reiji asked, his eyes pleading. “I want to talk to him with you, to tell him about you.”
His words made Ranmaru’s heart swell. He was honored that Reiji wanted Aine to know about him, though he couldn’t help but feel a little nervous. Ranmaru felt fairly secure in their relationship, so he didn’t have the thought often, but sometimes he wondered if he would have Aine’s approval. It was impossible to get an idea, given how little he knew about Aine, but knowing Reiji wanted to gush to the late idol about him definitely made Ranmaru feel a bit better.
“Of course, just don’t tell him anything embarrassing. I wanna make a good first impression.” Ranmaru chuckled.
Reiji laughed with him and Ranmaru could feel the tension in the atmosphere start to dissipate. “Fine, I guess I’ll just have to save the embarrassing stuff for another time.” Reiji smiled, and for the first time in days, it was genuine. “Tomorrow will be busy if we’re going out. Why don’t we hit the hay?” Reiji suggested. Ranmaru nodded in agreement, and the two settled in for the night. As he laid there drifting off to sleep, Reiji already snoring softly next to him, Ranmaru realized this was the first time this week he’d seen his boyfriend sleeping peacefully.
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The next day, they decided to leave earlier in the afternoon since the days were still short and the sunset came early. Reiji wanted to make them bentos full of Aine’s favorite foods and Ranmaru eagerly helped with the preparation. The late February air was still chilly, so they bundled up in heavy jackets, scarves, and gloves before driving to the beach.
Now they stood in the sand quietly watching the waves. Ranmaru had his arm wrapped around Reiji’s shoulders as they gazed out over the water together, mostly as comfort but also for warmth. The icy breeze from the ocean made the cold almost unbearable, but the last thing Ranmaru wanted to do was rush him. They needed to take this at Reiji’s pace.
After a few more moments of silence, Reiji broke away from Ranmaru’s side and stepped closer to the water.
“Hello, Aine,” Reiji bagan. “I’m sorry it’s been so long since I last talked to you.” Reiji bent down closer to the water and talked towards the waves. ”I don’t know if I really have the right to say this, but I miss you so, so much.” Ranmaru could hear Reiji’s voice beginning to crack and stepped closer, reminding his boyfriend that he wasn’t alone. Reiji beckoned for Ranmaru to come sit next to him, patting the sand next to him. Ranmaru nodded and sat next to his boyfriend in the sand.
“This is Ranmaru. Kurosaki Ranmaru. I don’t think I’ve ever told you about him before,” Reiji continued once Ranmaru settled in next to him. “We’ve been friends and bandmates for years now, but he’s also my boyfriend.” Reiji smiled at the water and reached out to pat Ranmaru’s shoulder. “I know he looks a little intimidating, but I promise you, he treats me very well.”
Ranmaru smiled at that. It was good to know Reiji felt that way about their relationship.
“In fact, he’s the one who suggested we come here to visit you! I think you guys would have gotten along really well…” Reiji trailed off, presumably thinking of the scenario.
Reiji continued to speak towards the ocean and the more he spoke to him, the more Ranmaru could envision Aine. He’d seen a few pictures of the man before, a boy really, as he was still in his teens when he passed away. At first, Ranmaru thought they were pictures of Ai, the two were practically identical, but even from the static images, he could tell Aine’s demeanor was completely different from Ai’s. The late idol seemed to be even more reserved and soft spoken than their bandmate.
Reiji’s conversation lulled and Ranmaru took the opportunity to ask, “Could you tell me more about Aine?” Reiji smiled softly and nodded.
“What do you want to know about him?”
“As much as you’re willing to share. You love him and he’s important to you, so I wanna get to know him, too.”
Reiji’s smile widened and he bounced up from where he was kneeling by the shore. “Why don’t we eat lunch and I’ll tell you all about him!” Reiji extended his hand and Ranmaru grabbed it rising to his feet. They walked over to the nearest bench and sat down to eat. The food was delicious, not anything like Ranmaru’s usual taste in food, but good nonetheless. Ranmaru savored the bento and all the while Reiji told him about his late lover. Everything from how they first met to the antics they got up to at the academy together. Reiji chuckled, having just finished retelling a particularly hilarious tidbit involving “borrowing” Ryuya’s favorite trumpet during their time in the master course.
“Thank you, Ran-Ran,” Reiji said after he finished the story. “I haven’t been able to talk to someone about Aine like this...ever, honestly,” Reiji said looking wistfully. “It felt good to be able to tell someone about him, especially you.” Reiji turned his gaze towards Ranmaru and reached out to squeeze his hand.
“I’m glad this made you feel a bit better, Rei.” Ranmaru squeezed his boyfriend’s hand back. The sun was going down now and the view over the ocean was beautiful. “Oh, that’s right! I bought somethin’ if you wanna use it?” Ranmaru suddenly remembered the impulse purchase he’d made when they went shopping this morning. He opened his bag, rifling through it until he found the item in question and handed it to Reiji.
“Is this a… lantern?” Reiji asked, turning the package over in his hands.
“Yeah, I uh saw it at the store this morning and it just seemed like somethin’ we could do? For Aine?” Ranmaru said, scratching his neck awkwardly. Maybe he should have asked Reiji about it first.
“This is… this is lovely. Thank you, Ranmaru.” Reiji smiled at him, and, cheesy as it may sound, it was more stunning than the sunset. “Would you come light it with me?” Reiji asked.
“Absolutely. C’mon, I got some matches too.” Ranmaru rose from the bench and offered a hand to Reiji. The couple walked hand in hand to a dock that extended further into the ocean. They unfolded the little paper lantern and set it into the water, careful not to let it slip away just yet. Ranmaru looked over to Reiji, waiting for a signal that he was ready to start. Reiji’s eyes were closed, hands folded almost as if in prayer as he slowly breathed in and out. After a moment he opened his eyes and grabbed the matches from the dock.
“Thank you, Aine.” Reiji spoke towards the ocean. “Thank you for being my friend, my lover, my companion through the years we had together. You helped me through so much back then, and I’m so sorry that I didn’t know how to help you when you needed me. I don’t know if you can ever forgive me for that, but please know that I regret what I said to you, and what I didn’t say, every day of my life.” Reiji was crying now, his tears sparkling in the light of the setting sun. “And I want you to know that I love you. I know it seems like I’m moving on now, but I swear to you, even though I’m in love with Ranmaru, I’ll never forget you and I’ll never stop loving you.” Reiji pulled out a match and lit it with shaking hands. He carefully lit the wick in the lantern, while Ranmaru steadied it. Taking a deep breath, he motioned for Ranmaru to let go and gave the base a light push whispering another “I love you” as his gloved fingertips lost contact with it. The waves were calm today and the lantern was able to make it past them to continue floating out into the ocean.
They watched it silently, until the light faded into the horizon. Once the flickering light was no longer visible, Reiji sighed deeply and rose to his feet. Ranmaru rose with him and held out his arms, ready to embrace Reiji if he needed it. The brunette slumped forward into his embrace and held him tightly.
“Thank you, Ranmaru,” Reiji said into his chest. “This was… hard, but it was good. I’m glad we did this.”
“It’s no problem. I’m just happy that this helped a little,” Ranmaru replied while softly patting Reiji’s head.
“We’ll have to come here together again, sometime,” Reiji suggested. As the words left his mouth, a particularly strong gust of wind blew through them. “Though maybe we should wait until it’s warmed up a bit. I’m freezing!” Reiji squealed, burying his face further into Ranmaru’s chest.
“Sounds good to me. We can come back whenever you want, Rei.” Ranmaru had to admit, when he first suggested this he thought it might be a bit awkward for him to be here, too. But, he’d had a good time getting to know Aine, and he was sure Reiji had even more stories to tell.
“How are you so amazing?” Reiji asked, lifting his head to look Ranmaru in the eyes. The cold had already turned Ranmaru’s face a light shade of pink, but he could feel his face flushing at the compliment. Reiji chuckled at his embarrassment, lightly pulling Ranmaru’s scarf downward until the brunette captured his lips in a soft, short kiss. “I love you, Ranmaru,” Reiji said in a breathy voice as their lips parted.
“I love you too, Reiji.” Ranmaru gave his boyfriend a peck on his very cold nose. “Though now that you mention it, it is pretty damn cold. Do you wanna head out soon?”
“Yeah, I’m turning into an icicle!” Reiji rubbed his gloved hands on his arms for warmth. “I’ll go start the car and swing around to grab you if you don’t mind grabbing our stuff?”
“Yeah, go on ahead, I’ll meet you by the road.” Reiji nodded and jogged off to his car.
Once his boyfriend was out of sight, Ranmaru turned back towards the ocean.
“Aine…” He whispered the name to the waves. “Thank you. Thank you for loving Reiji and for helping him become the man he is now. The man I love. I promise, I’ll take care of him for as long as he’ll have me,” Ranmaru vowed. He gathered their bags and headed back up to the beach. Before he reached the road, Ranmaru turned back towards the ocean. “We’ll see you again soon, Aine”