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""What did I ever do to you? What did I ever do to the world" yeonjun asked while crying. He is a mess, a complete mess where you won't even notice that it was Yeonjun. "What am I gonna do now? How about our promises? Your promises?" he asked again as if he was talking to someone but in reality, nothing. Just pure emptiness, it's just the dark sky, the pale color of the moon and a broken hearted yeonjun. "you we're my world beom, it was only you, it has always been you." yeonjun said, almost a whisper, tired of crying. He lay down on the grass and looked at the nothingness. "am I just a moon? am I meant to be alone? how about the 4 years? how about the 4 fucking years? are they nothing? how about the time we spent together? how about them beom? how about them?" yeonjun said and look at his watch which was also a gift from beomgyu. It was 11:10pm, no wonder the breeze I cold and the streets are empty. Yeojun closed his eyes and spoke "I just want someone who'll be there for me, someone who will understand and support me, someone who'll accept and love me no matter what, some who will never leave me. Please, just someone. Is it too much to ask?" yeonjun said not opening his eyes. As the night falls deeper, yeonjun fell asleep in the field of grass, tired of crying and questioning."
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"hey are you okay? are you listening to me?" soobin asked yeonjun who looks like he has a lot on mind. "yes, yes I'm fine don't worry I was just you know, I remember that day." yeonjun said and looked at soobin. "it was a day I am angry and at the same time thankful to the world. I still can't believe it though I mean, I wasn't prepared that YOU will come in my life" yeonjun continued in which soobin replied with a laugh. "why are you laughing?" yeonjun said. "it's just nothing, I just remember your face when you first saw me" in which soobin busted a laugh again. "hey what's funny? first and foremost mister who would not be surprised when a random guy is looking at you, take note of the word random alright? I don't even know you back then and second, I was tired but I know I was in the grass field and fell asleep so how would you, a random guy, know my house and even open it on your own and lastly I just woke up of course my brain won't cope up easily, duh" yeonjun explained himself. "enough with the explanation I don't need to hear it" soobin sarcastically said. They fell into silence, it was not awkward, it was not intimidating. it was just completely comfortable enjoying each other's company having with their own thoughts.
They've known each other for weeks but yeonjun still find it so hard to believe how and what happened. I mean, what if a guy you don't know knows you and your whole life story and the only thing he answers when you're asking him how did he know is that "you wished for me". Honestly speaking, soobin didn't fail though, he is indeed what he wished for. He's very understanding and would remind you that he loves you everyday and literally everything you asked for and yeonjun wasn't complaining, he loves it that way too.
"How about you soob? what if someone wants to stop being part of your life? would you like for them to say it? or you just want them to leave without saying a word?" yeonjun asked all of a sudden. "hey~ what's with the serious question" "just answer it soob." "okay okay, it may seem weird and selfish but i would rather leave without a word. I would want them to be angry at me for leaving suddenly and completely forget me. I have my reasons and I hope they would understand. I would rather not be remembered and want them to move on in their life because honestly afraid of goodbyes, I am scared of them." soobin seriously answered. "I mean, if ever that happens I think I will leave because I have a reason though." he continued. "damn, people really have different opinions... who hurted you soob?? whooo?" yeonjun jokingly asked "oh shut up" "alright alright it's for real getting late we should go home."
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"goodnight soob, thank you for being part of my life." yeonjun said then face unto the wall turning his back from soobin. It was silent in which was weird for yeonjun who is waiting for the younger to respond. Yeonjun turned trying to see if the younger was just asleep in which he was wrong. The younger was awake looking straight at the ceiling lost in thoughts not until it spoke. "goodnight jun" in which made yeonjun smile brightly "I love you." soobin spoke and looked at yeonjun straight in the eyes. Yeonjun isn't ready to respond or he just don't know what to respond. He just turned his back and faced the wall, again but this time it was different, he is now the one lost in thoughts.
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"good morning jun, what time is your shift today?" soobin asked with a smile "good morning soob, maybe around noon? need to fill up a shift to a co worker so maybe I'll overtime. why'd you ask?" "oh I was just asking, I'll just get a take out later. should i get you some for dinner?" "ahh no, I'll just eat before I go home." and yeonjun's phone suddenly rang. Soobin didn't want to eavesdrop but it looks like he has another sideline to attend to so he left earlier than he expected too and just like other days, soobin is alone on yeonjun's house.
Yeonjun works at a coffee shop barista and a choreographer too. Honestly speaking yeonjun didn't need to work at all though. He came from a wealthy family and just rented an apartment trying to be "independent". He sometimes accept from his parents but mostly he works for it.
Soobin was left in the apartment cleaning and organizing stuffs not until he found a pic of yeonjun and a man in which he assume is yeonjun's ex, beomgyu. It was hidden in a box along with other stuffs and letters under a cabinet. They we're smiling widely at each other and looking at it, it was sweet, it was genuine, it was true. Soobin felt a pinch in his heart and slap on his face right at that moment. They've been living in the same house for some time now yet he haven't saw yeonjun smile that wide or smile that true. They're laughing through jokes and silly thing yet he didn't have the chance to see yeonjun's eyes sparkle. As much as he wants to stop loving yeonjun the thing is he can't. He wants to stop, oh god he really wants to stop his feelings for him because every time he looks at yeonjun he knows, he already know that he can never return that love. No matter what he does or think about it, he just really cant and maybe that was because he was just a damn lost soul along with the stars that was only made because he was just a damn wish. Soobin is just using it right and let himself be taken for granted as long as it comforts yeonjun, as long as it can make him feel a little better.
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"have you eaten?" yeonjun asked soobin who's sitting beside him watching we bare bears on netflix. "ah yes, i did. you?" "yeah i did eat burgers though." and they both fell into silence. Soobin was enjoying and too focused on what he's watching that he didn't notice yeonjun was looking at him. "has someone already said you're cute?" yeonjun asked making soobin shocked. "uh... no, no one.. you know, you're like the only person I know.." "well I guess you do now, you look so cute" "uhh, thanks.." soobin said looking again on the tv hoping yeonjun wouldn't notice the pink dust on his cheeks. "can I hug you?" yeonjun said out of the blue. "uh... yeah sure." and suddenly yeonjun throws himself into soobin. This was the first time yeonjun held soobin. He does lean on soobins shoulder sometimes or even hold hands while walking but this was different. Soobin was warm and soft it almost felt like a real pillow the only difference is pillows doesn't have a beating heart, a heart that is as fast as soobin's heart at the moment. Soobin felt so comfortable it was almost a mother's embrace and soobin felt like a real home. Soobin was shocked that he couldn't function properly. Yeonjun was just clinging unto him playing a little bit of soobin's hair and for soobin he doesn't mind, he wouldn't mind.
They are now cuddling together not caring about what's happening on we bare bears. Soobin's eyes was closed sandwiching the older on his arms that is literally playing with soobin's hands or sometimes his or maybe just stare at Soobin's face like he was trying to engrave every little details on his mind. "can you stop staring?" soobin suddenly spoke and opened his making yeonjun giggle "I would not though, you look really good soob." yeonjun said with sincerity in his eyes hoping soobin would see it and soobin did, it made soobin's heart leap, jump, turn and even cartwheel. "turn the tv off let's just sleep here, I don't wanna stand up anymore." in which soobin immediately followed. "is it okay if we stay like this?" yeonjun asked soobin shyly. "I, I wouldn't mind, this is nice." "great, goodnight soob, thank you." yeonjun said and closed his eyes then cuddled soobin tighter. "goodnight jun, i love you." and placed a kiss on yeonjun's head. Yeonjun's stomach felt butterflies or even a whole garden or a zoo. It was the second time soobin said I love you and the first time soobin kissed his forehead and just like before, he couldn't function well, he doesn't know what to respond.
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soobin was awaken with the smell of food and the sound of plate clattering. "good morning soob, I prepared breakfast so we can eat together" yeonjun greeted soobin with a smile on his face. in which soobin responded with a good morning and a smile and headed to fix himself.
"did you sleep well?" soobin asked "ofcourse I did! we should sleep like that sometimes.." yeonjun said trying not to be heard. "ah yes, it's fine" soobin said and ate. "do you have work today? you know.." "well I don't so you can have me all day you want" yeonjun jokingly said and winked at soobin "oh god stop.." they talked about a few things and enjoyed the breakfast yeonjun cooked. "what did the bacon said when you they don't wanna be hurt?" soobin started "what?" "don't go bacon my heart.." in which made both of them burst into laughter. "that was good and at the same time lame" yeonjun said while laughing. They're jokes and banters was cut off when yeojun's phone on the table suddenly rang. It was fine not until when you read the caller id, it was beomgyu and yeonjun haven't change his name nor deleted the number it was still "my love, beom" and without a word yeonjun got his phone and answered it walking out with the speed of a thunder.
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soobin was alone again inside the house when in fact he shouldn't. After the call yeonjun made he returned to his seat and continue eating with soobin like nothing happened and later on spoke he will go out today and he was sorry because he has to, in which was just fine with soobin after all he know that, THAT was beomgyu and yeonjun would say no or even ditch him. Soobin turned the tv on trying to divert his attention to others things and trying to continue his we bare bears marathon but his mind was for real not agreeing with him. His mind already thought the worst way possible, that they got back together, that yeonjun might kick him out, that beomgyu might fight him or even yeonjun saying he regrets meeting him and you can't blame soobin he was so close on leaving cause yeonjun coming back with beomgyu would hurt him more but he didn't cause in the first place yeonjun i the reason why he' alive and he knows what he got himself into.
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it was slowly turning dark and soobin is worried since yeonjun didn't even bother calling or even texting him. "Maybe he's already with beomgyu or they're eating somewhere, or even making ou--" soobin cuts himself and did a little shiver trying to look dsigusted. The door suddenly opened showing yeonjun on the verge of crying with a box on his hands in which was the exact opposite of what soobin was thinking. soobin stood up and ran to yeonjun as fast as he can trying to help him and the next thing he knew yeonjun dropped the box and broken down, falling into soobin's arms crying. It seems that beomgyu returned them and even beomgyu dropped him off.
"hey, are you okay? how are you feeling?" soobin asked while drawing circles on yeonjun's hand and rubbing his back. This isn't the first time he saw yeonjun all messy and broken and still he doesn't know what to do. "can I answer honestly?" and soobin replied with a nod. "no i am not. i am without a doubt not. I don't know what I"m feeling, I'm feeling sad and happy and broken and lost and I don't know, I just don't know." then yeonjun continued crying "hey hey calm down let's talk about it alright? I'm here, don't worry." soobin said and waited for yeonjun to calm down.
"so, what happened?" soobin gently asked as if he was talking to a baby. Yeonjun didn't respond and just stared at soobin. "hey it's fine you can tell me what happened jun, it's okay." and still silence. "you know everything would be better if you speak it out, having a little talk-" soobin half jokingly said trying to calm the atmosphere but was cut off by yeonjun "we are so done. happy? he returned all our stuffs cause he'll be moving out with his bf, I don't know what's his name, taehyu?? taehyun?? I don't fucking care." yeonjun said raging. It scared soobin, yeonjun's serious face, his angry teary eyes and his high voice. He didn't know what to say and at the moment he just wanted to cry. "I would be so honest, I thought that meeting him today would clear things off, you know? that it would clear things out or even get back together." yeonjun continuously saying not caring on the words his mouth was saying "I don't know how I managed to look alright earlier when I just wanted so goddamn scream. I was supposed to ask him how did he moved on so easily from me, from us but it turns out he was already hanging out with taehyu guy even when we were together. he said sorry and I can't fucking do anything cause it has been done and i can't do anything about it. that it ended today and it could've ended earlier before." yeonjun cried again. "it is so painful, soob that I wasn't enough, it is painful because he left. it's painful soob, it's painful here." yeonjun pointed at his heart, trying no to break his eye contact with soobin with tears on his eyes and teeth clenched trying to hold himself and all those time soobin was just quiet letting yeonjun vent out all his emotions even though it hits him. How it slapped his face that yeonjun still loves him and wants him back when he's literally just beside him. "why are you quiet? I thought you want me to talk? now you're the one not talking" "I was just thinking.." "about...?" "that if he was the one who have always occupied your heart then where am I?" soobin asked that made yeonjun stop. "you know what, let's sleep okay?" yeonjun answered and stood up trying to ignore the question. "no, you want me to speak right?" soobin answered like he knows everything, that he deserves an answer too. "oh are you serious about this now? for real? right now?" yeonjun said voice slowly getting high. "why? doesn't I deserve an answer too?" "but are you serious? right fucking now? thought you were gonna listen to me? you'll be there?" yeonjun said with a smirk and a sarcastic chuckle "but I am, I did! I listened to them all right? that's why I am asking you cause im trying to understand where am I in your story?" "you gotta be fucking kidding me. you could've asked that some other time. if only you kept that to yourself for a while damn soobin I have a lot in mind right now at least help me out for fucks sake." "isn't that what i was doing from the goddamn start?" "you're so damn unbelievable. I'll go out, ask yourself that question" yeonjun said and left.
soobin still doesn't know what just happened. He has a lot it mind and he just exploded. Was he wrong though? He knows he's on earth and alive because yeonjun wished for him but still... doesn't he deserve an answer sometimes? it was always yeonjun. Understand yeonjun, comfort yeonjun, be there for yeonjun,, it was always yeonjun but where is the ask soobin? how's soobin, what did soobin experienced, is soobin okay? where is the soobin?
Soobin wanted to follow yeonjun and apologize, although it was both their fault, he still wants to apologize for not understanding and even shouting and raising his voice earlier but he chose not to. He would let yeonjun cool down a while and then that's where they would talk. If both of them is already calm and at the right time.
It was getting late and although he was mad at yeonjun earlier he can't erase the fact that he's concerned for the older. He tried calling yeonjun and only got a ringtone beside him, the older left his phone. "fuck it, it's getting late." and with that soobin just left the house and started looking for the older.
He tried looking for him in places nearby such as fast food restaurants, play grounds and even the studio where yeonjun brought him once. He wanted to go at beomgyu though but the chance of the older going there is impossible and he doesnt even know where beomgyu lives. He is kind of familiar to the place already since he sometimes walk around when he's home alone and that's where he realized he still haven't gotten to the last place and he feels yeonjun is there.
He wasn't wrong, soobin's gut didn't brought him to nothing and just like before he arrived with a yeonjun sleeping in the grass."jun did you drink?" soobin asked asked crouching down trying to level the older and that, that's the only thing different from before. the older drank alcohol. "jun, wake up." the younger said still trying to wake the older up. "nooooo" yeonjun whined trying to stop the younger from bugging him. soobin knows that the older is still not in his right mind so he just gave up and sit down on the grass as well. this time the air was different, everything was different but for soobin only. The older doesn't seem to care about his presence his still laying down on the grass eyes closed, maybe sleeping too and for soobin maybe this is the right time to talk his feelings thinking the older won't remember it after he wakes up.
"you are the only one I know so I don't have a choice to love other people, don't I?" soobin whispered on the older with a light chuckle. "I had fun with every minute jun, I hope you know that. I am thankful for you too, for making me feel things that I haven't been felt before, do things I haven't done before. soobin said tears threatening to fall. "well I mean I haven't lived before though" soobin said trying to joke around thinking it would make his almost falling tears come out. "thank you for giving me a chance to be alive and to feel like I'm really living." soobin said to the older looking at his face like he was trying to memorize every details of his. he may look stupid though, like talking to a man sleeping, for real but he doesn't care. He just want to speak his feelings out. He moved closer to yeonjun holding his hand and brushing his hair lightly. "I'm very lucky to have you." the younger countinued "I may not met other people but I think I will still comeback to you. I love you yeonjun more than anyone and anything in this world." soobin said with sincerity and he is sure, he's sure about his feeling, he's sure about what he's saying, he is just sure about yeonjun. soobin looked on the older who has his forehead crumpled, he must've been having a bad dream. "no, no, don't go please" yeonjun said in his sleep almost not understandable but soobin heard it. "silly, I'm not gonna leave-" "no, don't please, I'm sorry" yeonjun continued "jun no it's fine now though okay?" soobin still holding his hand thinking it will calm the older down "no, I'm sorry okay, I'm so sorry beom... please I love you" and it hit soobin again and this time it was harder, it was much more painful.
yeonjun woke up with a headache, dried tears and a heavy heart, he was in his room; sun hitting his face. "what happened? uh my head hurts so much.." yeonjun said standing up trying to look for soobin at the house. he got himself a glass of water and thought that maybe the younger got out for a walk or to buy his favorite bread. he tried remembering what happened last night and all he remembers was he had a fight with soobin and he left and drank. "he must be still cooling his mind, i need to apologize to him though." yeonjun said to himself and start preparing. the younger was warm hearted, he often thinks about the other people first before himself and very very caring and understanding so he thought it would be nice to apologize to soobin and cook for him.
he was done cooking, sweat filling his back from the heat on the kitchen so he decided to change clothes when he saw tons of sticky notes stuck on his door cabinet, yeonjun trying to read them one by one. it was nothing but sweet words and reminders such as always eat, continue to work hard, take cares and stay happy. he couldn't understand a damn thing he took it off and tried reading everything, every sticky notes. there's even a letter of soobin apologizing for wasting his sticky notes and there, he found a sticky note saying sorry "no, oh god no, there's nothing to be sorry about." yeonjun said as he read the note on his hands, tears threatening to fall and then he just broke down, a note saying "I'm sorry I need to leave" and a bunch of "I'm sorry for leaving you without a proper goodbye" well in fact at this moment yeonjun remembered something.
"yeonjun's sleep become lighter when he felt himself sleep talking and he heared a voice speaking "it hurts so much now, it just hurt so damn much" he knows it was soobin and he know he was crying. he opened his eyes and just stared at the crying younger who's still holding his hand. "I'm so sorry" the younger continued, even he knows that yeonjun is awake he continued talking thinking he would forget this too. "I can't help it, I want it to stop and it's just hurting me and it was hurting you." yeonjun can't speak as his continue to stare at the younger. "I am just a no one, and I know but don't I get a chance to pick my choice?" soobin said voice cracking "how can I love you yeonjun? tell me how? how can I love someone who isn't done loving someone yet?" soobin said as more tears fell to his face and yeonjun was so sorry, he just want to erase the tear of the younger but the tiredness and alcohol took over his body. "I'm so so sorry yeonjun, I'm just so damn sorry that I can't wait, I'm sorry for not listening, I'm sorry for not understanding, I'm sorry that I love you." soobin said with tears in his eyes but yeonjun saw it, he saw his eyes sparkle, his sincerity. soobin kissed his forhead and it was sweet, it was wholesome and it was painful. yeonjun can't think of anything, he just wants to move and hug soobin or even give soobin a reason to stay but he can't seem to find one. "I wanna leave you alone just like we never happened, just like we never met but how am I supposed to do that? I want you to be angry to me just like how angry you are that day when beomgyu left you but how am I supposed to that? promise me that the next time you wish for another person to come in your life, please open up, please let them in, cause you deserve it more than anyone in this world. please don't let them hurt you and... don't hurt them. please" soobin said and hold unto his hand tighter and cried a river.
"so it wasn't a dream.. it wasn't a fucking dream" yeonjun said and just broke down. "I'm sorry you felt this way, I'm so sorry I made you feel like this." he didn't know soobin would be leaving for real, he has so many how's and why's at the moment such as why did he said that? why that day? why did he said that while he was drunk and if yeonjun gave him a reason to stay, will he? would everything be a little different from right now? soobin could've held tighter, he could've hang longer but he didn't, he was hurt so much. yeonjun can't understand. "how can I be angry to you? how can i let someone in if they're not you? how?" he was sorry, he was going to try moving on and have a new start with soobin, he was supposed to go out with soobin today, they still need to eat what he cooked and apologize to soobin personally and it didn't happen and obviously it can't happen anymore. soobin was exactly what yeonjun asked for, soobin was always there for him always, soobin indeed understood and support him in everything he does, soobin really accepted and loved him no matter what but the only thing is he left. everything was exactly what yeonjun wished and cried for that night, but the last one, soobin left without a proper goodbye. yeonjun doesn't know when will the day come where he is ready, where his is ready to love or if that day would actually come but if it does he'll make sure he find soobin, although it seems impossible, his gonna find him again like they were meant to be.