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Quiet knocking on his door interrupted his thoughts. He quickly hid half written text of the new song under a bunch of other papers, which were everywhere and only then invited Sykkuno in. He could already recognize who was standing behind the door based on the rhythm of knocking. Corpse was hearing it every day for weeks and still didn't find it annoying not even once. He was happy every time he heard one of his boyfriends wanting his attention, although occasionally he has to tell them he doesn't have time right now. Luckily for him, they always have each other. So if one of them is busy, he can go to another one. One of perks living in polyamory relationship. But he still tried to be with both of them as much as he could.
“Hey.” Sykkuno smiled at him from a distance and closed a door, before he slowly approached him. He stopped behind his chair and gently put his chin on Corpse's left shoulder. “Am I interrupting too much?” Sykkuno spoke softly, but didn't stutter at all. He gained some confidence lately and slowly started believing in himself more, after Corpse and Toast convince him their relationship has a future and he needs to stop being that afraid of saying anything out of fear to ruin something. It was a good change, he was still shy but he didn't act like a frightened cub anymore.
“Not at all.” Corpse smiled a little, turned his head and placed a small kiss on his cheek. He can finish these lyrics later, or never probably. He was struggling with this particular song for days now and cannot manage to write more than four lines, throw them away and start again. Maybe it's time to try writing something else or at least get a break. He deserved it if he could say that. Last two weeks were very productive, maybe because his new discovered relationship with Toast, maybe just because he had inspiration suddenly. Who knows. But he had only one panic attack in the last fourteen days and considered it as a big achievement.
“I was thinking about getting some coffee or tea? I know it's pretty late, but Toast just woke up after streaming and I am also not going to sleep anytime soon, so… if you want to come with us to Starbucks it will be awesome, but you don't have to. We can get you some like last time, you know… “ Sykkuno began to slowly stroke his left arm over the shirt, watching his fingers explore every centimeter of it with so much tenderness. Corpse once again had a hard time to actually believe someone like Sykkuno really existed. How did he manage to be that pure and not let anyone destroy it in him for that long? He was in disbelief and often scared just to be with him, because of how bad he was at keeping people happy and their soul in one piece.
“Only if I can drive.” He wasn't outside for a long time and he was feeling good lately, so maybe it was the right time to try it again. He didn't want to spend whole life inside… only most of the time. And Sykkuno was always so proud of him, when he managed to do something with his phobias and anxiety even just a little bit. He wants him to feel happy.
“Of course.” Sykkuno's eyes lit up, he probably doesn't expect that answer. He was suddenly smiling more wider and somehow forgot to hide it behind his hands. Corpse did not complain. “ I'm going to make Toast to take a shower before we go, so outside in fifteen minutes?” Corpse nodded and gently took his chin in his hands, so he could turn around and give him a light kiss on his mouth. Sykkuno closed his eyes and leaned closer to him, sliding with his palm to Corpse's back. So he kissed him again, painfully slowly, aware of every little move the other man made. It was beautiful, he was.
“Sykkunooo!” They both jumped away from each other, because of sudden yelling and Corpse cursed. Three times. It was only Toast but still, he almost had a heart attack someone saw them. “I need help, I stuck my hand in the dishwasher again.” Corpse raised his eyebrows. Did he said again?
“Don't ask.” Sykkuno whispered, hands covering his completely red face. He will ask, but later. Toast will probably tell him anyway and proudly of himself, so no pressure now.
“So, twenty minutes?” Sykkuno giggled and looked at him over his fingers. Corpse returned his smile, he just had to. It has been getting more natural and comfortable, smiling without a mask, lately. Everything was just getting better, slowly.
Little did he know…
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He can't really speeding in the middle of the town, but people who did not know him always considered his driving style dangerous. It wasn't, he just knew what he could afford and didn't need regulations to tell him.
Toast in the passenger seat was chill about it, he just sometimes reminded him, he is not playing impostor now, so he doesn't really need to kill them. Sykkuno was visibly nervous, but he never said anything about his driving style. He just checked his seat belt three times before they left.
Corpse loved driving, especially at night with blasting music. It was freeing, he can allow himself to feel powerful for some time, focused just on the road and feelings.
They stopped at third starbucks, because Corpse doesn't feel like braking. Toast didn't say anything but chuckled a lot, as he was singing something with radio. It wasn't exactly perfect, but he wasn't with him because of his singing abilities.
Of course with his luck, the drive thru was closed, so they had to park Corpse's car and go inside. Corpse wasn't happy about it, but since they were already here, he wouldn't complain.
On the way inside, Sykkuno grabbed his hand without a word and smiled a little at him. "Are you okay?" Corpse wasn't sure if he was asking about holding hands or his mental stability, but it didn't matter. He was feeling safer like this and definitely not going to tell Sykkuno he is panicking from the idea of talking to a barista. He needs to work on his fears not hiding in a car while others will do all work for him.
"Yeah." He smiled at him, which was not really visible due to his face mask, but he hoped Sykkuno would see it in his eyes. They walked inside, Toast holded door for them. Because of the courtesy he was being shown, his thoughts suddenly stopped, he was not used to it. It was usually Corpse who did these little things to others, but it feels good to be at the other side sometimes and Toast did this to him often lately.
They ordered in peace, since it was only them and the poor barista, who looked like their only wish was to get some sleep. Toast and Sykkuno talked a bit before their drinks were ready, Corpse just listened, enjoying the warm feeling from Sykkuno's hand locked into his own.
Their drinks were prepared fast, only Sykkuno's late with a lot of whipped cream and caramel syrup took a little longer. Toast was teasing him about it since it was not actually a coffee, more like a bunch of sugar with milk, but he only laughed and let it be. All three of them leave the shop and since nobody was here Corpse put his mask down a little to taste coffee before he gets into the car. Good thing to do, because he choked how terrible the taste was. His coffee was pure black and bitter just like his soul. He definitely didn't order this.
"Hey don't get yourself killed that's my job." Toast punched his back a little, when he saw his boyfriend coughing. Corpse gave him a deathly look, but can't say anything before he gets his breath under control again.
"They messed up my order. Give me one minute, I will be right back." He let go of Sykkuno's hand and covered his face again.
"Do you want to go with you?" Sykkuno offers with a hint of worry in his eyes.
"No, thank you. Wait for me in the car." He absolutely cannot go back with Sykkuno as backup, that will be embarrassing. He was a strong and independent adult. Who sometimes sleeps with plushies, but is still an adult, who can speak to strangers in Starbucks alone. Fuck anxiety, he can do this. It's just a few minutes and one or two sentences to say. There is no danger, right? So why is he shivering as he headed back inside.
"Uhm, hey,... Sorry but I think there was a misunderstanding. I didn't order this... can you please make me a new one? I will pay for it of course." He didn't want to have an entire conversation about how he had to tell his order wrong, so he just offered double pay. Anything for getting his coffee as fast as possible. He needed to breathe, he realized and focused on something boring to stop shaking.
" Oh, I am so sorry I probably messed it up, I am tired, sorry. What was your order? I will remake it for free." Barista smiled shyly and grabbed a pen and napkin to write it down, probably so they don't forget something again.
"No problem, it happens. So, uhm, iced almond milk honey flat white with blonde espresso, almond milk foam on top, light cinnamon powder and double blended, please." Usually his drink was even more complicated but he didn't want to wait that long. Now when he thinks about it, he should realize it before, they cannot make his drink that fast before Sykkuno's, it was not possible.
“It will be ready in a minute.” Barista smiled at him a little and then quickly started working, glancing at their notes every other second to make sure they got it right this time. Corpse turned around and closed his eyes, focusing only on his breath. Inhale, count to ten, exhale, count to ten and repeat. Just this, didn't think about anything else. He cannot calm down properly but managed to survive without a panic attack until the barista called him.
“I hope it's okay now, I am really sorry again.” They put his drink on the corner, and looked down in embarrassment. Corpse grabbed it and smelled it, because he didn't want to taste it inside. It seemed okay, so he pulled a few bills from his pocket and put it in a tip jar, since they said before the drink is free. He understands they were probably just tired and didn't make that mistake on purpose, so he had no reason to not tip them.
“It's okay, thanks. And goodbye.” He has to control himself to not run out of the shop, but walk slowly. He is an adult, remember? Finally he was outside and could taste his coffee. It was heaven in mouth, almost as good as goodnight kiss. Almost. He still prefers kissing. He was already halfway to his car, when he noticed there were three people standing there and he didn't know the third one. He started walking faster, from what he can see Toast was looking really strange and Sykkuno was hiding behind him. Corpse didn't see the stranger's expression properly, because he had his back turned to him, but it was not looking good. Then when Corpse was only a few meters away and was about to shout at him to get lost he saw the man pulling a knife out of his pocket.
Coffee in his hand exploded as he clenched his fists. Not that he cared. Tost screamed, but at that time Corpse was already holding the attacker's arm, twisting it so he was forced to drop the knife. It was successful, but the man didn't seem to give up, he tried to punch Corpse in face. He was expecting something like that so he tugged at his hand, which he still held, forced him to miss and also to his surprise fell on ground. The man was probably drunk, because Corpse didn't put that much power into it, because how fast it happened. Attacker cursed and started looking for his knife on the ground, so Corpse stepped onto his hand and kicked him in the chest with his other leg. Drunk man landed heavily on his back, still making some incomprehensible sounds, so he didn't stop and stepped onto him. One foot with all his weight on the other man's chest, second on the side of his head, which he turned around and began to vomit. Disgusting.
“Get into the car.” He said loudly to Toast and Sykkuno, didn't taking his eyes off the man under him. He waited until he heard doors closing and then slowly bent down for a knife, which was still lying just a few inches from them. He must move one of his legs on the ground again to reach it, so he decided to leave one on the man's face and pushed a little more. Not to actually crush his skull but definitely enough to hurt him. He didn't care.
He threw the knife as far as he could, checked the still vomiting man again and then stepped back. It didn't seem like he was going to get up anytime soon, but he didn't want to risk it, so he entered the car behind him and quickly locked the door.
“Drive.” He said to Toast, who was already starting the car, and closed his eyes. Adrenaline and shock slowly faded. After a few seconds it hit him, what happened, what he did. This man almost hurt Toast and Sykkuno. Just because he have to get back for his stupid coffee. If he came just seconds after, he would hurt them, and it was his fault. And what happened… He did not control himself. He didn't want to control himself. He wants to hurt him, kill him,... He did it on purpose. Maybe he broke some of his bones. Or leave him to death by suffocation. How he could do this to a living person. He was the same monster as the attacker. Hurting people. He was so sick of himself.
“Corpse…” He realized someone was saying his name, probably for some time. It took him a few seconds to focus enough to realize they were on the highway, Sykkuno was holding his hand and looking at him with pure fear in his eyes. Great, now it was even worse, he scared him. He felt like shit.
“Are you okay?” Corpse finally spoke with a shaking voice, looking at their hands to avoid eye contact.
“Yeah… H-he didn't even touch me. But Corpse, please… answer me, did he h-hurt you? I am trying to get you to talk for the last five minutes, so we can go to the hospital if it's bad and, and…” Sykkuno was panicking, his voice too high and talking too quickly. Corpse really must fucked up this even more, didn't he.
“No, sorry I… uh, I was, hmmm. He didn't do anything to me. Sorry.” And he cannot even manage to say a proper apology to them. This would not happen if he wasn't there.
“Corpse. Corpse, look at me.” There was an order in Toast's voice, but somehow he also managed to say it softly, with tenderness and care. Corpse listened and looked into the rearview mirror from which Toast was watching him.
“Whatever are you thinking about, stop it now.” He spoke emphatically, but his tone didn't not allow objections. “Do you want me to drive us to the police or home?” Simple questions, steady voice. Corpse was glad that at least someone is calm, because he couldn't comfort Sykkuno now. Toast will take care of him. It also helped him a little to focus on Toast and not his thoughts.
“Home.” He needed safe space and he definitely didn't want to talk to any stranger again, even police officers. He didn't break down already just because of Sykkuno. Toast maybe could handle his mental breakdown, but Sykkuno definitely couldn't, not now when he was also scarred.
“Okay. We will be home in five minutes.” He glanced at the road for a second and then looked back at the mirror to see Corpse as he talked. “Listen to my voice now, okay?” He took one of his hands off the steering wheel and gently placed it at Corpse's knee after a few tries, because he couldn't see how exactly he was sitting behind him. “We are safe here, you are safe here. Nobody is going to hurt you anymore. We will be home soon and nobody is gonna be there, except for us if you want to. It is gonna be okay. Sykkuno, can you talk to Corpse, please? I need to focus on the road here, there is too much traffic.” He was not only convincing him, he said it like fact. No questioning allowed. And Corpse found it comforting. Not that he was going to believe it fully, but it calms his nerves down just a little bit, like some part of his brain decides that if Toast said it, then it must be true.
Sykkuno was beginning to talk to him, saying similar stuff. His voice was shaky, which didn't help him too much, but he appreciated that Sykkuno was trying to comfort him, even after what he did. And his hand stroking his arm gently was also nice. So he made it home in one piece, but still so close to breaking, when he realized he must get out of the car even for just a minute, until he will be inside their house.
Toast opened a door for him, placed one hand on his knee again and the other on his cheek, turning his face so that he had to look at him. Corpse once again cannot understand how Toast was so composed while he was freaking out.
“We are going together, okay? It's just fifteen meters and you will be inside. Sykkuno are you okay? Can you go in front of us?” He looked behind him, his thumb still gently rubbing Corpse's cheek. How is he prioritizing him over Sykkuno? He opened his mouth to say something, but Toasts palm gently covered his mouth. No questions allowed for now.
“Yeah, I am good.” Sykkuno answered quietly and got out of the car with another door. He seemed calmer now, his voice didn't shake like before.
“Great. Do you need a minute, Corpse, or we can go? I will walk with you.” He looked back in his eyes, patiently waiting for his answer. Corpse can't believe it. He should be with Sykkuno taking care of him, comforting him because Corpse ruined everything once again and did not protect him. Why he was doing this. Why he cared.
“Okay we can wait here, just told me when you're ready.” Corpse let out a small groan. Now he was making him wait because of his stupid fear. He needed to get up.
“I'll go.” He muttered and slowly exited the car. He didn't remember too much from the next few minutes, just overwhelming fear and Toast's hand on his waist as he walked him inside and then to his apartment. He heard a dimly sound of door lock behind him and then he collapsed onto his bed.
Someone's arms wrapped around him immediately, probably Sykkuno's according to the smell of vanilla, another pair of hands took his palms to theirs.
“Let it out.” He heard seconds before he finally broke, began to cry, scream and try to talk in little pauses between all of that. He needed to get everything out of himself. How he disappointed them, how he did everything wrong and endangered them. He talked about how bad a person he is, same as the attacker because he did horrible things to him. How he wanted to do it to him, because he deserved it. How he hates himself for it.
It took a long time, but nobody said anything. They let him get everything off his chest, just comforting him with little touches and hugs. Sykkuno cried a little to his shoulder at one point.
Finally he felt like he said everything he wanted and needed to and used all the tears he had. He took five more minutes to calm his breath down and stop shivering too much. Sykkuno helped him with it a lot, breathed with him, patting his back. And finally after maybe forty minutes there was a silence.
“So, I hate to bring it up again when you are calmer now, but you need to hear this, Corpse.” Toast shifted and sat directly across from him, still squeezing his hands. “You did nothing wrong, nothing. If you weren't there it would be worse, believe me. We will probably don't leave earlier as you said, but stay here to drink it before getting into the car. So he will still be there, but you don't. And that will be worse, I don't want to imagine what could happen. It doesn't matter, because you were here. And you did the right thing, there was no other possibility how to do this better. You saved both me and Sykkuno. And I understand why you feel bad about what you did to him, but you are nothing like him. It was self-defense. And I feel the exact same hate towards him and you definitely not be ashamed you didn't have a pity for him. You did the right thing, Corpse. And I am thankful for that.”
“Don't... say things like that.” He sounded like crackling embers again, because of so much crying.
“But he is right, Corpse. I feel safe with you. I cannot imagine not having you here.” Sykkuno said softly, his head still buried in Corpse's shoulder. Corpse turned around a little so he could actually see him. Sykkuno's face was a little red and swollen, but his eyes smiled at him with childlike joy and love. And then suddenly out of nowhere he said it.
“I love you, you know.” Corpse froze, looking at his shy smile and ears slowly turning red. That wasn't real, was it? He never even allowed himself to think about hearing this from Sykkuno. His heart started melting even though his mind still didn't process it. But a pleasant warmth spread through his chest and continued to fingertips.
“S-Sykkuno…” Now it was him who stuttered. How can people act normally when they hear something like this? He cannot manage to think, let alone say something back. He was just overwhelmed by everything.
“Shh, you don't need to say anything. Just rest, please.” Sykkuno placed a little kiss on his nose and pulled him down, waving at Toast to lie down next to them as well. They cuddled him from both sides, each in its own way. And Corpse began to cry again, silently, just a little bit. He didn't deserve anything of this, but selfishly he did nothing to prevent it. He just cried until he fell asleep from exhaustion.