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“And they've been arguing the entire time?” Hashirama asks, splayed hands pressed to the glass as he peers through the blinds into the hospital room. The rumble of the argument going on inside can be heard, albeit muffled, in the hall.
“Since the second they woke up,” the charge nurse says flatly. “Their files said not to put them in the same room but we didn’t have a choice, everywhere else was overloaded.”
“That’s understandable,” Hashirama says with a thoughtful hum.
“They were just bickering at first but now that the painkillers have kicked in it’s getting out of hand, they’re scaring the staff and I wouldn’t put it past them to actually fight each other while still on the IV’s. Can you do something?”
Hashirama nods and turns to face the nurse with a warm smile.
“Don’t worry, I know how to handle this.”
He steps to the door and thrusts it open with an enthusiastic greeting - “Madara! Brother!” - banging the handle on the wall and generally creating enough clatter to break anyone’s focus.
Tobirama and Madara, who have been leaning over the rails of their hospital beds to shout at each other for the last forty minutes, both wheel their heads around to look at him.
“What are you doing here?” Tobirama asks, as his brother comes up to the side of his bed and sits down on the foot.
“I came to see how you were!” Hashirama says cheerfully, patting his brother’s unbandaged leg. “You look like you took a beating, what on earth happened on your mission?”
“He almost got himself killed is what happened.” Madara cuts in, heated, before Tobirama can even open his mouth. His partner glares at him.
“I did not-”
“You jumped RIGHT in the middle of that strike, you idiot!” Madara’s broken arm isn’t doing much to stop him from gesturing angrily.
“I was protecting you so you could finish your seals for-!”
“I was FINE, all you did was make me deal with your injured ass while-!”
“You didn’t have to do anything-!”
“Of course I had to-!”
Hashirama watches them bicker and talk over each other for a second more before throwing up his hands to interrupt.
“Wait wait wait! You did WHAT?” He looks at Tobirama with large eyes.
“He threw himself into a volley of fire like a fool!” Madara says angrily, and before Tobirama can respond Hashirama crosses his arms and interrupts him with a huff.
“Well, that was stupid of you!”
Both Tobirama and Madara fall silent, attention pivoting as Hashirama puffs himself up and continues to berate his sibling.
“You know you can CATCH fire right, you dummy? You’re the only brother I’ve got left, why aren’t you more careful with yourself? You shouldn’t be so reckless and short-sighted!”
“It wasn’t really that ‘short-sighted’…” Madara clarifies, sitting back a little in his bed. “There was a point, tactically, he just-”
“Was a moron!” Hashirama says with a scolding look that his brother answers by matching his crossed arms and adding a sullen frown.
“You don’t need to scold me just because you’re the older one...” Tobirama grouses under his breath.
“Don’t do foolish things like a kid and I won’t have to!”
Hashirama thinks he might actually be able to HEAR Madara’s teeth grinding which tells him his plan is working…
“He’s not a child, Hashirama. He knew what he was doing.”
“And you!” Hashirama turns on the Uchiha with a glare. “Leaving your back exposed to danger so he had to jump in and take a hit to look out for you? You’re just as reckless! I thought you were going to look after my brother, huh?”
“Hey, he DID look after me! He’s the reason we made it back here!” Tobirama cuts in, sitting up straighter. “Don’t you accuse him of breaking our vows just because you’re all worked up about me getting some burns! He carried me halfway here for fuck’s sake.”
“Of course I was doing my best to protect him, don’t be insulting,” Madara growls, trying to join in on the angry arm crossing everyone else is doing. His sling gets in his way but he manages to at least square his shoulders up and look peeved. “Don’t come here to visit us and just be rude, Hashirama.”
“If you two would take care of yourselves and each other better I wouldn’t have to scold anyone at all, so it’s your fault really,” Hashirama says, rising from the end of his brother’s bed with a snort. He straightens his clothes importantly, heading for the door. “You’re lucky I have too many meetings today or I would stay and be even ruder to you both for worrying me!”
“Don’t be so goddamn dramatic; just get out!” Tobirama snorts, flopping back against his pillows and swiping a bandaged hand at his brother’s retreating frame.
As he slips into the hall with a ‘goodbye, stay in bed you two!’ Hashirama can hear them already grumbling about his judgemental attitude to each other.
“How… the hell… did you do that?” The nurse asks him once the door is shut, squinting through the blinds at the now calmly conversing men.
“If they’re insulting each other too much again later, you just have to agree with one of them,” Hashirama tells her cheerfully. “The other one won’t be able to stand it and they’ll be back to defending each other in no time, see. The trick is just to leave right after so they can complain about you behind your back and bond over it.”
The nurse nods approvingly as she picks up the two charts from the hook beside the door.
“Thank you for your help, Hokage-sama. I’ll make sure I add that to their files.”